Reaction to the NBA’s new basketball has been almost universally negative… it’s slippery, it doesn’t bounce as high, it’s too tacky when dry, too slippery when wet (Bon Jovi fans, holla), it’s too easy to palm… NBA commissioner David Stern has heard the complaints, and he’d like to you to jot them down, write a formal letter of complaint, and then take that letter, and jam it in your ass.

“We’ve been testing it and retesting it,” Stern said. “And I think that some of the dramatics around it were a little overstated in terms of the downside and not enough recognition of the upside.”

“Within certain parameters of the way you want a ball to perform again and again and again, it is performing extraordinarily well,” Stern said. “It doesn’t mean it feels the same; it may not even bounce exactly the same. It may do all the things that everyone says it may or may not do, but it’s a very good ball and the tests continue to demonstrate that it’s an improvement.”

So there you go. Stern likes it, people who have done the official scientific testing like it… so it stays. The opinion of the players is evidently not relevant to the discussion.

If you’re an ESPN Insider, Chris Sheridan talks to the commissioner about the new ball, and sort of grills him on the subject. Stern ends up getting a little bit agitated with the questioning and says, “Take this man away.”

Stern’s biggest defense of the ball is that they’re all the same. Every basketball will behave exactly the same, unlike the old leather balls, where there was some pretty substantial variance. NBA refs went through like 20 balls before every game before they found one they could use. That will no longer be an issue.

So yeah, the ball might be terrible… but at least it’s consistently terrible. That’s sound reasoning. Poking myself in the eye with a steak knife hurts more than poking myself in the eye with a broken twig, but the twig is different every time. At least with the steak knife, I can count on the brutal piercing of my retina, so that’s a plus.

Now, don’t get me wrong… I ultimately think this is not a big deal, and a couple weeks into the season, no one’s going to remember any talk about a new basketball. Players will adjust, they’ll get used to whatever they have to, and it’ll be fine. It’s Stern’s arrogance and refusal to consider anyone else’s viewpoint on anything that I find noteworthy. It’s kind of like…

NBA Player: Commissioner, we don’t like the new basketball.
David Stern: Oh, is that so?
NBA Player: Yes, sir.
David Stern: Well, is your name David Stern?
NBA Player: No, sir.
David Stern: Well, then I guess you should shut the fuck up then, huh?