UFC bad-ass Tito Ortiz was recently invited to be the guest of honor at the US Marine Corps’ Birthday Ball. He accepted, and was going to happily be there… until the Marine Corps got word that his girlfriend gets hammered on film for money.

Tito’s dating porn star Jenna Jameson, and would have, of course, wanted her to accompany him to the ball. The Marine Corps, for some reason, objected to the presence of a porn star as an honored guest at a traditional Marine Corps function. Hell, some of them even objected to Tito’s presence.

“These guys in Miramar are making a mockery of what is supposed to be tradition,” [Master Gunnery Sgt. Larry] Kuzniak said. “It should be about the Marine Corps, not about the movie stars and the athletes. If you’re not going to observe tradition, you might as well just let it die. Next thing you know, Barbra Streisand will be out there.”

He’s right… that would be even worse. Barbra Streisand probably won’t even give up the poontang. And unlike Jenna, not everyone in the Marine Corps audience can draw her labia from memory. Although, in Barbra’s defense, I should point out that Pete Sampras did once describe Streisand as a pitching wedge, saying that she looks good from about a hundred yards out.

But I think that’s sort of a hypocritical stance for the Marines to take. After all, they’re over there every single day, putting their life on the line for us citizens, and why? To protect our right to take a videotaped load in the face for profit, that’s why. The day I can’t proudly attend a Marine Corps function with a woman that everyone in the building knows has been penetrated it at least three orifices at once… that’s the day I no longer want to be an American.

By the way, does Tito Ortiz know that he can date someone who hasn’t been plowed by hundreds, if not thousands, of other men? Does he know that he’s rich, famous, and good-looking enough to land a date whose vagina does not require a heavy coating of Lysol before penetration?

Anyway… I’m glad that Tito understood the Marine Corps’ decision, and I wish them luck in finding a more suitable host.

And big, big thanks to my man Jackie Chiles at The Airing of Grievances for the tip.