UFC bad-ass Tito Ortiz was recently invited to be the guest of honor at the US Marine Corps’ Birthday Ball. He accepted, and was going to happily be there… until the Marine Corps got word that his girlfriend gets hammered on film for money.
Tito’s dating porn star Jenna Jameson, and would have, of course, wanted her to accompany him to the ball. The Marine Corps, for some reason, objected to the presence of a porn star as an honored guest at a traditional Marine Corps function. Hell, some of them even objected to Tito’s presence.
“These guys in Miramar are making a mockery of what is supposed to be tradition,” [Master Gunnery Sgt. Larry] Kuzniak said. “It should be about the Marine Corps, not about the movie stars and the athletes. If you’re not going to observe tradition, you might as well just let it die. Next thing you know, Barbra Streisand will be out there.”
He’s right… that would be even worse. Barbra Streisand probably won’t even give up the poontang. And unlike Jenna, not everyone in the Marine Corps audience can draw her labia from memory. Although, in Barbra’s defense, I should point out that Pete Sampras did once describe Streisand as a pitching wedge, saying that she looks good from about a hundred yards out.
But I think that’s sort of a hypocritical stance for the Marines to take. After all, they’re over there every single day, putting their life on the line for us citizens, and why? To protect our right to take a videotaped load in the face for profit, that’s why. The day I can’t proudly attend a Marine Corps function with a woman that everyone in the building knows has been penetrated it at least three orifices at once… that’s the day I no longer want to be an American.
By the way, does Tito Ortiz know that he can date someone who hasn’t been plowed by hundreds, if not thousands, of other men? Does he know that he’s rich, famous, and good-looking enough to land a date whose vagina does not require a heavy coating of Lysol before penetration?
Anyway… I’m glad that Tito understood the Marine Corps’ decision, and I wish them luck in finding a more suitable host.
And big, big thanks to my man Jackie Chiles at The Airing of Grievances for the tip.
The Big Picture
she’s so run-through that nailing her is like trying to bang a grocery bag.
November 2, 2006 at 3:32 am
SK
Pete Sampras really said that? I had no idea he could be so funny.
November 2, 2006 at 11:21 am
JT
i guess it’s worth mentioning that she stopped doing dudes for cash a couple of years ago…maybe that shit’s had a chance to settle back to a normal shape, and not, you know, the ploughed, gaping tunnel that it surely was during her B-on-G heyday.
November 2, 2006 at 11:40 am
Sports Pulse
Tito, leave the skank at home.
November 2, 2006 at 11:45 am
BA
Is it like throwing a hotdog down a hallway?
November 2, 2006 at 2:08 pm
TMan
Tito, my man, repeat after me: “strippers, pornstars and hookers are for partying only!” So, go ahead and play park the sausage in the garage with Jenna. Hell, video it. I’m sure she will not even mind. But for God’s sake man, you can’t get serious with her. That’s just wrong. Unlike every other girl in the world, you know how many guys have been there before you. And, trust me, it’s too many.
November 2, 2006 at 2:54 pm
jerloma
SK, I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that Sampras didn’t really say that. However, I will be using it as much as possible in the near future if that’s okay with mjd.
November 2, 2006 at 5:18 pm
Moonshine Mike
you watch ‘em, but you wont’ date ‘em. that seems two-faced enough.
Hell, half the women you talk to would probably fail your skank test.
November 2, 2006 at 7:11 pm
Mandalay
Men who bang hundreds of women = studs.
Women who bang hundreds of men = whores.
Nice double standard, hypocrites.
November 2, 2006 at 10:10 pm
the mighty mjd
Just for the record, I never said that men who bang hundreds of womens are studs. Also, I don’t watch Jenna Jameson, nor would I date her, and I have no skank test.
And as for the Sampras comment… yeah, he did say that. It was in a Dan Patrick “Outtakes” in ESPN Magazine.
November 3, 2006 at 1:21 am
Babs
I’m a girl, and even I know the guy cardinal rule: have fun with them, but never take them home to mom (or if you’re in the public eye, even out!).
3 orifices at once? = BIG ouch, not to mention pretty darn nasty. AND on tape….
November 3, 2006 at 2:56 am
Jack
JJ’s only banged around 30 guys, and many of those were just in her personal life. She mostly did lesbian stuff, and they just use the same guys over and over in the porn industry, especially in the big companies because a new guy who can’t get it up costs them tons of cash. Personally, I’d feel self conscious enough hooking up with a girl who’se gotten three orders of magnitude more pussy than I have
November 3, 2006 at 10:45 am
jerloma
I stand corrected. I as well have a new found respect for Sampras.
November 3, 2006 at 11:03 am
Basshole
“3 orifices at once? = BIG ouch, not to mention pretty darn nasty.”
Also known as being tupperwared:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tupperware
November 3, 2006 at 2:08 pm
browie
WHAT? I wish Jenna would come to anything that I was at.
November 5, 2006 at 2:20 am
Critic
30 guys multiple times equal skank. And she’s fine for a party but not for everyday use.
November 5, 2006 at 9:25 am
Dogrobber
What happened to poon-stank in the title? Dammit, bring back my poonstank!
November 8, 2006 at 1:00 am
the mighty mjd
I, unfortunately, got in a little bit of trouble for Poonstank.
November 8, 2006 at 4:30 am
jerloma
Tito call you?
November 8, 2006 at 12:41 pm
the mighty mjd
No, if Tito called me, I’d just BEAT HIS ASS.
Or, I’d be sitting in the corner, crying like a little girl after throwing my computer in the river so he couldn’t prove it was me who wrote that.
November 8, 2006 at 9:49 pm