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Zach Randolph May Want To Give Kobe A Call

A woman has filed a civil lawsuit against Zach Randolph of the Portland Trailblazers, claiming that he, um… well, that he did a bunch of wild shit, some of which would make him a dirty, dirty, bastard… and some of which would make him a rapist. Henry Abbott at True Hoop went through the legal documents and found the following notes…

Randolph allegedly offered $500 to a women he knew, and another he didn’t, to perform a live sex show.

Randolph allegedly wasn’t happy with the sex show.

The plaintiff, having had a lot to drink, allegedly fell asleep.

The plaintiff allegedly woke up to Randolph, umm, forcing entry in the back door. Twice. Which she allegedly resisted and did not want.

Randolph then allegedly forces some more entry, through the front door.

The plaintiff allegedly went to the hospital too late to collect any rape evidence (after slightly more than three days).

This is all really surprising, because so many good things can happen when you offer complete strangers $500 to exchange bodily fluids in front of you. I’ve never heard of a situation like that ever going wrong. Weird.

My guess is that the woman will be paid off, and that the civil suit will go away. Might be expensive for Zach Randolph… but it’s the easy way out of things, he won’t be going to jail, and no one will be on television discussing where his pubic hairs might have been found.

But the upside is that he and Kobe Bryant will have something to talk about next time they shake hands before a tip-off.

Kobe: Sucks, doesn’t it?
Zach: Pssh. Hell yeah, it does.
Kobe: You’re gettin’ off easy, brother. Believe that.
Zach: (begrudging nod)


  1. Randolph is lucky he won’t be going to jail and that the woman was stupid enough to wait three whole days to go to the hospital.

  2. buddy buddy

    Is his game not worthy of a harem of groupies that will perform these services on a complimentary basis?

  3. jesus christ…i…just…jesus christ

  4. you’d think a pro basketball player could see a sex show and get laid for free.

    times, they are a changin’…

  5. MK MK

    Zack Randolph looks like a fat Eddie Winslow.

  6. It’s a male urban jock myth that dudes can get it for free ‘cuz they’re jocks.C’mon, look at Randolph, really. Ugly betty is less feo.

    but I’ll concede it’s not like we’re not talking about more-than-whoralicous golddiggers;because Zachie’s game so inspires those legions of groupies buudy was nattering about earlier :)

  7. Look, if you walk thru Brooklyn in the middle of the night with money falling out of your pockets your gonna get robbed, and if you do a live ‘show’ get drunk and pass out, your gonna wake up with somebodies junk in ya. Idiots all around in this case.

  8. witless chum witless chum

    Zach is either a rapist or just reminding everyone that he was too stupid to make it at Michigan State for more then one year.

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