A woman has filed a civil lawsuit against Zach Randolph of the Portland Trailblazers, claiming that he, um… well, that he did a bunch of wild shit, some of which would make him a dirty, dirty, bastard… and some of which would make him a rapist. Henry Abbott at True Hoop went through the legal documents and found the following notes…

Randolph allegedly offered $500 to a women he knew, and another he didn’t, to perform a live sex show.

Randolph allegedly wasn’t happy with the sex show.

The plaintiff, having had a lot to drink, allegedly fell asleep.

The plaintiff allegedly woke up to Randolph, umm, forcing entry in the back door. Twice. Which she allegedly resisted and did not want.

Randolph then allegedly forces some more entry, through the front door.

The plaintiff allegedly went to the hospital too late to collect any rape evidence (after slightly more than three days).

This is all really surprising, because so many good things can happen when you offer complete strangers $500 to exchange bodily fluids in front of you. I’ve never heard of a situation like that ever going wrong. Weird.

My guess is that the woman will be paid off, and that the civil suit will go away. Might be expensive for Zach Randolph… but it’s the easy way out of things, he won’t be going to jail, and no one will be on television discussing where his pubic hairs might have been found.

But the upside is that he and Kobe Bryant will have something to talk about next time they shake hands before a tip-off.

Kobe: Sucks, doesn’t it?
Zach: Pssh. Hell yeah, it does.
Kobe: You’re gettin’ off easy, brother. Believe that.
Zach: (begrudging nod)

…is available.

Greg Schiano deserves some kind of lifetime achievement award. He’s got to be a lock for College Football Coach of the Year, but that’s not enough. Give him the Heisman, too, a couple of Daytime Emmys, a purple heart, an Arby’s employee of the month, and he should fill in for Jeff Gordon on his honeymoon. He’s earned it.

Coaching accomplishments just don’t get any more impressive than what Schiano’s done at Rutgers. Winning a national title at Miami or Notre Dame or USC… that’s great. But I think it’s probably a lot harder for a coach to step into a near-hopeless situation and turn it around to the point it’s at right now. He built this thing from the ground up. Started with nothing. Rutgers is so new to winning that when they went to dump the Gatorade on Schiano, they ended up clubbing him in the head with the cooler. Schiano thought he was being attacked.

Even if they had lost to Louisville, all of this would still apply. And I don’t think this is something that isn’t going to last. You look at how Schiano’s built this team, and why they’re as good as they are right now, and it’s not because they lucked into having a couple of great athletes, and this is going to fade away when the leave. They’ve done it by becoming a tough, physical team that controls the line of scrimmage and hits hard on defense.

So where do you put them now, if you’re a voter? Well, if Louisville or West Virginia deserved the #3 spot, then I’d find it difficult to believe that Rutgers hasn’t earned the same thing right now. They’re not going to get it, of course. I’m sure they’ll still be below Texas, Auburn, Florida, and USC … probably Notre Dame and Cal, as well.

Where you end up often has a lot to do with your starting point, and Rutgers didn’t have a great one. That’s terribly unfair, but… that’s the system we’ve carved out for ourselves here. It’s not about their strength of schedule, or anything like that… West Virginia and Louisville played similar schedules, and they had that #3 spot. Rutgers won’t, and it’s about starting point. It’s about the educated guesses of sportswriters, before the season, about how good Rutgers would be. That’s why Rutgers won’t get there. That’s the system we have. Like Will Munny says, “Deserve’s got nothin’ to do with it.”

I’ve gotta admit, though… while I’m enjoying the Rutgers underdog story as much as anyone… I couldn’t help but think, anytime ESPN had a crowd shot, that about 40,000 of those people are brand new Rutgers fans. Two years ago, for a game this time of year, Rutgers probably wouldn’t have had a crowd of 20,000.

I’m glad people are hopping on the bandwagon now, but… considering past attendance figures against current ones, I’m putting a little extra emphasis on the word bandwagon. I suppose I shouldn’t judge… I can’t say for sure what I’d have done if I was a Rutgers student that was there for two years when they were terrible, and now they’re good, but I don’t think I’d have just ignored them then and started showing up to games now.

A Raiders fan made the following touching music video about Randy Moss:

I commented on it in The FanHouse.

With Pat Tillman’s 30th birthday coming on Monday, and the Cardinals putting him in their ring of honor this weekend, the Associated Press has dug through a ton of Army evidence about how Pat Tillman was killed.

I actually don’t have a ton to say about it … I don’t feel qualified to speak on the issue, and I’m sure there are others out there who are more knowledgeable and have a deeper sense of outrage than me. But here are snippets of the AP’s findings, from this SI.com article. It’s not a lot of fun to read.

One of the four shooters, Staff Sgt. Trevor Alders, had recently had PRK laser eye surgery. Although he could see two sets of hands “straight up,” his vision was “hazy,” he said. In the absence of “friendly identifying signals,” he assumed Tillman and an allied Afghan — who also was killed — were enemy.

Another, Spc. Steve Elliott, said he was “excited” by the sight of rifles, muzzle flashes and “shapes.” A third, Spc. Stephen Ashpole, said he saw two figures, and just aimed where everyone else was shooting.

Tillman’s platoon had nearly run out of vital supplies, according to one of the shooters. They were down to the water in their CamelBak drinking pouches, and were forced to buy a goat from a local vendor. Delayed supply flights contributed to the hunger, fatigue and possibly misjudgments by platoon members.

A field hospital report says someone tried to jump-start Tillman’s heart with CPR hours after his head had been partly blown off and his corpse wrapped in a poncho; key evidence including Tillman’s body armor and uniform was burned.

Wow.

Color me impressed, because I didn’t think God would be the kind of cat that was even in a fantasy football league, let alone a league that started individual defensive players. I’ve been in a league like that. They’re no fun. God’s a trooper.

Anyway, the latest Sports Illustrated (which I, for some reason, don’t get in the mail until about three days after everyone else has it) has a long piece by S.L. Price about Ray-Ray and his Deion-like relationship with Christ. It puts me in a little bit of a weird spot, because I try to stay away from poking fun at peoples’ religious beliefs, but at the same time, I don’t like, and very much enjoy making fun of, Ray Lewis.

So… to hell with it. To make that omelet, we’re gonna have to break a few eggs. The article is here, but is available to SI subscribers only, I’m afraid.

Where to start… it’s sort of an unfocused article, and I don’t offer that as a criticism of the author, I think that’s a product of trying to understand Ray-Ray here. First, let’s start with the fact that Ray apparently thinks he’s, if not Christ, someone who lives in the same neighborhood.

…Lewis will tell you these days that he’s “anointed,” that he enjoys “favor,” that he is a “king” charged with fostering a national ministry on the order of Martin Luther King Jr. and that, once football is done, his mix of piety and street cred and that spectacularly nasty, Court TV-chronicled fall will drag even the most hardened hearts to the light.

If Ray Lewis is favored, anointed, or a king… I’m going to be pissed off, because I thought the meek were inheriting the earth. Ray Lewis is not meek (unless, of course, Rudi Johnson is barreling towards him at the goal line, and Ray’s got him wrapped up and dead to rights–then he sort of gets meek), and if any part of that is true, I’d like to fill out my application for anointed status. If Ray Lewis is getting in that club, so am I. and I don’t care who I have to shank to get there.

If Ray Lewis has found God, I think that’s fantastic. Really, I do. But it feels a little bit to me like Ray Lewis is one of those guys who can’t just do something–he has to do it better than anyone else alive.

If you were a kid on his block, and you told a story about how you made a three-foot jump on your bike, Ray had a story about his 10-foot jump. If you won a coloring contest, Ray stabbed a kid and used his blood to color with, just so he had a deeper shade of red. If you go to church and have a strong relationship with God, then Ray’s going to become the goddamn pastor and he will not only heal people with his bare hands, he will carry on the work of Martin Luther King Jr.

I just don’t know if it works like that. Again, I’m glad he’s got this in his life. But you don’t go from one second lying to the cops about your friend stabbing someone outside of a club just so it doesn’t get you in trouble before the Super Bowl… to suddenly becoming the holiest man this side of the Dalai Lama. Sometimes, it’s OK to sit in the back of the church and listen and contemplate. Someone else can lead the congregation. He’s like Michael Scott on the booze cruise. Let Captain Jack do what he does.

Maybe I’m being too cynical about this, and Ray not only is as chosen and Godly as he’d like to believe, but he will someday lead a movement that will bring peace, equality, love, and joy to everyone alive. But I remain skeptical.

Oh, and thanks to With Leather for bringing it to my attention to begin with; a blog that I’m ashamed that I have yet to mention here.

Or was killed, or suffered a career-ending injury, or got an apartment in Thailand with Gary Glitter, or whatever the hell happened to Cliff Stoudt.

Anyway… every night/morning, I go through all the posts at the NFL FanHouse and put the best/most notable ones into one handy little post that gets put up shortly before 9:00 every morning. It might make a comfy little daily destination, to catch you up on all the relevant NFL doings in one quick stop. I call it the Cliff (Stoudt) Notes.

Generally speaking, I feel like the quality of the NFL FanHouse has improved pretty dramatically since it first launched, so I’m a little more comfortable linking to it now, so that’s something I might to do more of. I don’t know… maybe. Also happening right now in the NFL Awards section is the handing out of some midseason awards, including worst coach, least valuable player, and best use of banned substances (and yes, it’s Merriman, you bastards).

If I heard that from a rapper, I’d be like, “Hey, I think this guy could be the next Chingy.” But for a guy in the NBA, the bar’s set a little lower. In fact, just to set that bar a little bit lower… take it away, Kobe.

Thanks to Yay! Sports for the Artest video.

From Portland TV guy Mike Barrett’s Blog (via TrueHoop) comes this update on a subject we don’t spend nearly enough time on here: Joel Przybilla’s balls. His balls are not well. He took a knee, evidently, in a game against Golden State. And the knee actually hit him right above the balls, which… well… I dunno. But this was not your average Bob-Saget-sound-effect-enhanced America’s Home Video nutshot.

It’s been a long, painful week for Joel. I’m not going to get into the injury again, but the swelling is going down, and he’s at least able to move around the house a bit now. He’s told me on several occasions, this was the worst pain he’s ever gone through, and was a very scary thing. Good thing he’s got Tiger Woods 07 on the XBox 360. I’d hate to think he’s just been wasting this time. He also has NBA 2K7, but gets frustrated because he thinks he looks like a skinhead in the video game.

First, I’d like to second the notion that Tiger Woods ‘07 on the XBox 360 is a fantastic game. And secondly… well, hey man, I’m sorry about your balls. We’ve all taken a shot in the bag from time to time, and a for a few minutes, it’s catastrophic, but… something that causes massive swelling and puts you in bed for a week? Yeah, I don’t have any trouble believing that was the worst pain of his life. Just reading about it cracks my top ten.

When he gets well, I recommend that he indulges himself in this treatment.

I spent the evening working on a new batch of NFL Power Rankings. And just between us here… yeah, I’m fully aware that Power Rankings are worthless. But they can be fun. I hope. Here they are.

With many thanks to Jonathan Stein for pointing it out to me, buried at the very bottom of the AP recap of the Steelers/Broncos game is this little note:

Pro Bowl linebacker Joey Porter was fined $15,000 by the league after he threatened an official following the Steelers’ 20-13 loss to the Raiders last Sunday. Porter, angered for an unknown reason, was flagged 15 yards after telling an official that he would come after him.

Angered for an unknown reason? Here, I’ll take a stab at it. Reason 1: He just lost to the Raiders. 2. He’s Joey Porter, and since when does Joey Porter need a reason to be angry? Ask Jerramy Stevens. Joey Porter doesn’t need a reason to do anything, because Joey Porter is crazier than a bag of angel dust. That’s your reason.

Oh, what I wouldn’t give for YouTube footage of Joey Porter threatening bodily harm on a 60-year-old man in a black-and-white vertically striped shirt. Checking out the Gamebook from NFL.com, I see that none of the officials in that game were named Ed Hochuli, so unless the official has a couple of black belts and/or an AK-47, it’s not a fair fight. You can’t even realistically give Eddie Hoch a chance in a fight against Porter, so there’s no way anyone else would have a prayer.

I wonder what the threat was. I hope Joey threatened to have his dogs chew the official’s face off. But even a simple “I’ll beat your ass, old man” is kind of awesome.

Two other questions, though… shouldn’t threatening an official warrant some kind of a suspension, and shouldn’t this be a little bigger of a story? Imagine the headlines of Rasheed Wallace threatened to beat the hell out of Dick Bavetta. A $15,000 fine is what you get for tapping a quarterback’s helmet. I’m sure that Tyler Brayton’s going to get more than that for his attempted knee to Jerramy Stevens’ man parts, but what poses a greater problem for the NFL? Protecting Jerramy Stevens’ coin purse, or Joey Porter threatening to OJ an official on the field of play?

I’m sure that Joey was just frustrated at the time, and I’m sure (like 90-95%, anyway) that the official is in no real physical danger. But still, the league can’t tolerate players threatening officials. You just can’t have that.

And, just because…

Joey Porter, ladies and gentlemen. Doing everything in his power to bring back the half-shirt.

…is available here.

UFC bad-ass Tito Ortiz was recently invited to be the guest of honor at the US Marine Corps’ Birthday Ball. He accepted, and was going to happily be there… until the Marine Corps got word that his girlfriend gets hammered on film for money.

Tito’s dating porn star Jenna Jameson, and would have, of course, wanted her to accompany him to the ball. The Marine Corps, for some reason, objected to the presence of a porn star as an honored guest at a traditional Marine Corps function. Hell, some of them even objected to Tito’s presence.

“These guys in Miramar are making a mockery of what is supposed to be tradition,” [Master Gunnery Sgt. Larry] Kuzniak said. “It should be about the Marine Corps, not about the movie stars and the athletes. If you’re not going to observe tradition, you might as well just let it die. Next thing you know, Barbra Streisand will be out there.”

He’s right… that would be even worse. Barbra Streisand probably won’t even give up the poontang. And unlike Jenna, not everyone in the Marine Corps audience can draw her labia from memory. Although, in Barbra’s defense, I should point out that Pete Sampras did once describe Streisand as a pitching wedge, saying that she looks good from about a hundred yards out.

But I think that’s sort of a hypocritical stance for the Marines to take. After all, they’re over there every single day, putting their life on the line for us citizens, and why? To protect our right to take a videotaped load in the face for profit, that’s why. The day I can’t proudly attend a Marine Corps function with a woman that everyone in the building knows has been penetrated it at least three orifices at once… that’s the day I no longer want to be an American.

By the way, does Tito Ortiz know that he can date someone who hasn’t been plowed by hundreds, if not thousands, of other men? Does he know that he’s rich, famous, and good-looking enough to land a date whose vagina does not require a heavy coating of Lysol before penetration?

Anyway… I’m glad that Tito understood the Marine Corps’ decision, and I wish them luck in finding a more suitable host.

And big, big thanks to my man Jackie Chiles at The Airing of Grievances for the tip.

Well, it wasn’t really hard to see this coming. Rasheed Wallace, in his first game under the NBA’s new ‘zero tolerance’ policy for talking back to officials, was ejected after picking up two technicals.

The first one, he didn’t actually say a word to the officials. He was whistled for a foul, turned into the other direction, and screamed. That’s it… and it was called a technical, and the call was perfectly justified. The rule makes it very clear that that’s a technical.

On the second one, he was complaining to officials about a no-call on Charlie Villanueva. Villanueva had the ball on the block, and swung and elbow that very nearly hit Rasheed in the crotchal region. Rasheed said something to the official who didn’t call it, and then started talking to Villanueva. I couldn’t understand it completely, but it went something like, “You better watch those elbows, (something). You throw another elbow at me, and I’mma (couldn’t understand), I’m lettin’ y’all know. Try me. You know me.”

Shortly after that came the whistle. And then, on his way out, I’m pretty sure he called a ref a “deaf bitch.” I’m not sure why.

So yeah, that didn’t take long. Rasheed’s on pace for 164 technicals in the regular season, and I’m not predicting he’ll get there… but 164 doesn’t sound as crazy as it should sound.

On a side note… the Pistons played terrible perimeter defense, the Bucks got any shot they wanted all night long, and Flip Saunders is still a terrible, terrible coach with an awesome turtle.

Can be found here.