themightymjd.com is happy to bring you a series of previews for some of the bullshit college football bowl games coming up. You may find yourself in the position of not knowing a lot of some of the teams involved, and that’s okay. I don’t either. But that won’t stop me from making up things that, if you can manage to convince yourself are true, would certainly pique your interest in these games. And again, I should probably point out that none of this is factual. 100% made up. Probably.

Today, we look ahead to Monday’s San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.

Northern Illinois’ regular quarterback, Phil Horvath, will be sitting out the prestigious San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl with a “season-ending injury.” Most people don’t know that his injury was suffered at the hands of his backup, Dan Nicholson. It wasn’t one of those crazy punter situations where one guy stabbed another guy because he wanted to boot low 35-yard punts … it was something far more disturbing. The following conversation took place:

Nicholson: It’s pretty cool that we’re going to a bowl game.
Horvath: I guess, man.
Nicholson: What do you mean, you guess? Aren’t you excited?
Horvath: Kinda. But it’s just the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. That sounds so lame.
Nicholson: What’s wrong with that?
Horvath: Nothing, it’s just … you know, the other bowl games have sponsors like Tostitos or FedEx or Nokia. National companies that people have heard of. Ours is a goddamn county credit union, right? (laughs)
Nicholson: What’s your problem with credit unions? You too good for a credit union, golden boy?
Horvath: What? No, man. Just take it easy. What’s your problem?
Nicholson: I’ll tell you my goddamn problem, dickweed. My mother worked at a credit union for 37 years. She gave her soul to the company. For decades, she handled money that she could never dream of, handed to her by people like you and your rich prick parents, for $8 an hour and a half-hour lunch break. I don’t think, jackass, that there is A DAMN THING WRONG WITH CREDIT UNIONS.
Horvath: Listen, I’m sorry, man. I was just talking out of my ass. I didn’t mean anything by–
Nicholson: I’M NOT DONE, DICKFACE. It was on her deathbed that she told me that working at the credit union was the best thing that ever happened to her. She met her husband there. She made friends there. Many of the most significant moments of her life were spent there. For Christ’s sake, Horvath, I was conceived in a credit union. My mother is buried RIGHT NOW underneath a credit union in the Chicago suburbs. You wanna go dig her up and piss on her rotting carcass? Do you, Horvath, you son of a bitch?
Horvath: Listen, I’m really sorry, man.
Nicholson: Oh, you’re sorry. Well, let me tell you something, Whore-vath. You think you’re all high and mighty and slick, but where the hell do you think you’d be without credit unions? Do you even know? Do you even know the hell that the world would be without credit unions? Do you know that credit unions care about the community? Do you know that they’re full-service financial institutions? Do you know that CREDIT UNION DEPOSITS ARE ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT GUARANTEED? DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN TAKE YOUR LOW-RETURN CDs AND JAM THEM STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASSHOLE? HUH, MOTHERF–?
Horvath: Stop! Just leave me alone, man. I like credit unio–
Nicholson: Oh, YOU WANNA GO? YOU WANNA GO, FRAT BOY? COME GET A PIECE OF THIS, YOU NAPERVILLE PUSSY.
Horvath: I think I’m just gonna leave.

It was then that Nicholson knocked Horvath down and grabbed the Northern Illinois mascot–a live Husky dog–and held it over Horvath’s face for 23 minutes, asphyxiating him. Horvath lost consciousness, his right lung collapsed, and Nicholson filled his locker with 114 live cobras. No one has discovered this yet.

The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl is Tuesday night, December the 19th, on ESPN2.