themightymjd.com is happy to bring you a series of previews for some of the bullshit college football bowl games coming up. You may find yourself in the position of not knowing a lot of some of the teams involved, and that’s okay. I don’t either. But that won’t stop me from making up things that, if you can manage to convince yourself are true, would certainly pique your interest in these games. And again, I should probably point out that none of this is factual. 100% made up. Probably.

Heisman-winning quarterback Troy Smith of Ohio State sits in the trainer’s room, stretched out on one of the two exam tables, his leg hanging off of the edge as he waits to have his ankle examined. Sitting on the floor next to him is a large red gym bag. Troy swings his legs and waits for a trainer, staring at the door, hoping he’ll be seen soon. Soon, the team’s head trainer sticks his head in the door.

Trainer: Troy, I’m real sorry, but I’ve got to go see the coach for a second here. You sit tight, and I’ll be back in about fifteen, okay?
Troy Smith: Fifteen?
Trainer: Yep. Fifteen minutes. Just relax. Play with a tongue depressor or something.
Troy Smith: (laughs) Alright.

The trainer smiles and turns away, pulling the door closed behind him. Troy Smith exhales, and pulls the big red gym bag up off the floor. He sets it to his side on the exam table, unzips it, and pulls out his Heisman trophy. He places the trophy upright on the edge of the bed, looks at it, laughs to himself, and pats it on the head. He turns back to the gym bag, and pulls out a rectangular Nike shoe box. He shoves the empty bag to the floor, sets the shoe box next to the Heisman, and opens it up. The box is full of all colors and varieties of doll clothes.

Troy Smith: Okay, let’s see. What does Mr. Heisman want to wear today? This feels like a green day for Mr. Heisman! Green, green, green! Oooh, this is pretty. Mr. Heisman should wear feather boas more often! And I think Mr. Heisman feels like he’s in the mood to wear a skirt today! Oh, he looks de-lish! A thick black belt can be very slimming, too, and Mr. Heisman likes these long white boots, and holding this umbrella makes him look perfect! Oh, Mr. Heisman, you are so stunning today, will you be my boyfr–

Smith is shocked into silence when the door opens and the trainer steps quickly through, moving directly towards the cabinets on the opposite side of the room.

Trainer: I knew I was forgettin’ somethin’, I had to grab my notes on that kid that has the — Hey, Troy, what are those… are those doll clothes over the exam table?
Troy Smith: NO!
Trainer: Well I believe they are, son, and do you have your Heisman trophy behind your back right now?
Troy Smith: NO! Why?
Trainer: Son, why the hell do your carry that Heisman with you everywhere, and what is the goddamn deal with all these doll clothes?
Troy Smith: (stands up quickly, doll clothes fall from his lap onto the floor, his Heisman still being held behind his back) Hey, so, um, we play Florida, right? Should be a great game, don’t you think?
Trainer: Boy, are you…? Christ, son. I’m gonna ask you one question, and I want you to answer me honestly. Son, are you dressing up your Heisman trophy in women’s doll clothes?
Troy Smith: (takes a deep breath and smushes his lips over to one side of his face, as he always did when faced with a difficult decision. His eyes lower to the ground, and they close.)
Trainer: Son? Look at me. You’re dressin’ your Heisman up like a Barbie Doll, aren’t you?
Troy Smith: (slowly nods)
Trainer: Well, I will be a son of a bitch. Our goddamn quarterback is playing dress-up with the most prestigious damn trophy in all of sports. Boy, are you one of them homosexuals? With the leather pants and everything?
Troy Smith: No, no, no… I’m not gay, I just think Mr. Heisman would like some sexy clothes.
Trainer: Some sexy clothes? It’s a goddamn bronze trophy, Troy, it don’t need no sexy clothes! Hell, it don’t even need water or air, cuz it ain’t alive! All it needs is for you to not gay it all up!
Troy Smith: Well, he might not need sexy clothes, but he deserves them, because we all do, because we’re all pretty in our own ways, so stop being mean!
Trainer: (exhales hard) Boy, I am just at a loss here. I come in thinkin’ I’m gonna tape up your ankle, and I end up seein’ you havin’ a personal little pride march for your Heisman. In 32 years of athletic trainin’, this is a first for me, son. This. Is. A. First. I don’t even know what to say here? What’s the protocol in this situation?
Troy Smith: You’re not going to tell anyone, are you?
Trainer: Well, I reckon not. We got through 11 games with no one carin’ that you’re a fruit–
Troy Smith: I am not gay!
Trainer: Splittin’ hairs, there, boy, ain’t we? Anyway, I figure it ain’t nobody’s business what you do with your Heisman trophy, so if you wanna make it look like Liza Minelli, that oughta be your business.
Troy Smith: Do you really think he looks like Liza? Ohmygosh! He does!
Trainer: Easy there, son. Just because I ain’t mad don’t mean I want you to tell me all about what brings out ol’ Heisman Liza’s eyes over there. Let’s just worry about than ankle.
Troy Smith: Okay. Well, how is my ankle?
Trainer: Well, right now, there’s a mini pink taffeta dress laying on it.
Troy Smith: That’s not pink, it’s vintage rose. And Troy’s going to be a bridesmaid in that dress, so don’t hurt his feelings.
Trainer: Goddamit, Troy.
Troy Smith: You said you didn’t care!
Trainer: I do care, Troy. This is deeply disturbin’. I’m questionin’ everything I ever believed right now. And I know I shouldn’t care, and it’s your business, and you can do what you want, but boy, you cannot make THE GODDAMNED HEISMAN TROPHY A BRIDESMAID, DO YOU HEAR ME?
Troy Smith: The rest of the wedding party is going to be so disappointed.
Trainer: Is it even legal for a guy to be a bridesmaid in the state of Ohio?
Troy Smith: (shrug)
Trainer: Son, your ankle’s gonna be fine, and I’d like you to get the hell out of here right now.
Troy Smith: Okay. (Troy Smith picks up the Heisman and puts it back in his bag, as well as a couple handfuls of doll clothes, and he walks gingerly out the door.)
Trainer: Troy?
Troy Smith: Yes?
Trainer: Mr. Heisman left a whole rack of nightgowns over there by the gauze.
Troy Smith: He’s so forgetful sometimes! Silly Mister Heisman!
Trainer: We are so screwed tonight.

Troy Smith’s ankle is fine, and he leads the Ohio State Buckeyes against the Florida Gators tonight at 8:15 for the national championship. Mr. Heisman is expected to be wearing something sheer.