Joey Porter is accused of punching Cincinnati Bengals tackle Levi Jones near a blackjack table in Vegas’s Palms Casino. themightymjd.com has obtained security footage of the fight, and we present to you here the transcript.
Levi Jones: Congratulations on that contract you signed with the Dolphins, Joey. I’m sure the Dolphins will turn it around real soon.
Joey Porter: Whatchyou mean, WILL turn it around? Motherfucker, the Dolphins turned it around the second my pen hit that contract. Joey Porter turnd that bitch around RIGHT NOW just by showin’ up.
Levi Jones: Sorry man, I was just… I’m sorry, okay? Let’s play some blackjack.
Joey Porter: No, I tell YOU when we play some blackjack. I tell EVERYBODY when to play blackjack.
Random Guy (to dealer): Seventeen? I think I’ll stay.
Joey Porter: NO, I DON’T THINK YOU WILL. (Porter grabs the man by the shirt, lifts him off his stool, and kicks him in the rearend.) NO, I think you gonna GO, OLD MAN. Go on, get on outta here. Go wash my car, motherfucker. It’s the black and gold Hummer H2 with the license plate that says, “K2ISAFAG.”
Random Guy: It’s black and gold? I thought you played for the Dolphins now. Aren’t those the Steelers’ colors?
Joey Porter: No no no… Them’s JOEY PORTER’S COLORS. When I left, the Steelers changed their color to PINK. VAGINA PINK. The Dolphins wear black and gold now, and the Steelers jerseys are the color of your wife’s pussy. In fact, where is that bitch? I’m takin’ her to Sherwin-Williams right now, put her coochie on that machine, and Sherwin’s gonna match that color exactly. That’s what the Steelers is gonna wear next year.
Random Guy: Listen, I’ll wash your car if you promise not to kill me, but… I’m sorry, I can’t let you take my wife to Sherwin-Williams so they can color-match her vagina.
Joey Porter: FINE. Then they GONNA COLOR-MATCH LEVI JONES’ VAGINA (Porter kicks the air).
Levi Jones: Joey, come on, man. Calm down. If you want to stay here and insinuate that I have female genitalia, fine. But leave that old man alone, okay?
Joey Porter: Leave him alone? Don’t EVEN come at me with that shit. You think Jerramy Stevens left Joey Porter alone before Super Bowl XL? HELL NAH. But I went out there and busted some motherfucking asses anyway. Don’t NOBODY leave Joey Porter alone, everybody ALWAYS HATIN’. But I’m champion anyway. ALL Y’ALL DO IS HATE. WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!
Levi Jones: Here he goes with the fucking barking…
Joey Porter: WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!
Random Guy: How long is he going to be doing this?
Levi Jones: Sixty minutes. Maybe more.
Dealer: Do you think it’s okay if we play blackjack now? I’m going to get fired if I don’t deal.
Joey Porter: WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!
Levi Jones: You probably shouldn’t.
Dealer: Can’t you do something? Calm him down, maybe?
Levi Jones: Joey. Hey, Joey, listen. Joey? (taps Porter’s shoulder)
Joey Porter: I’MMA SOCK YOU IN YO’ MOTHERFUCKIN’ EYE. (Porter then socks Levi Jones in his motherfucking eye.)
Levi Jones: (rubbing his eye) God DAMMIT, this gets old.
Joey Porter: Don’t you NEVER disrespect Joey Porter’s shoulder. YOU AIN’T WON NO SUPER BOWL. I’m a WORLD CHAMPION, and you ain’t nothin’ but a mark-ass, playa-hatin’, dog food eatin’, tiger-stripe wearing tub of GOAT SHIT.
Dealer: Man, he’s changed since he won a Super Bowl.
Joey Porter: You got that wrong, white man. I didn’t win the Super Bowl, the SUPER BOWL WON JOEY PORTER. The Super Bowl was LUCKY ENOUGH to have #55 grab that cheap-ass chrome trophy. I use that motherfucker as a HOOD ORNAMENT. I clean my GUTTERS with it. I got a female pitbull that uses that big silver bitch as a dildo, and the ghost of Vince Lombardi SMILES EVERY GODDAMN TIME IT HAPPENS.
Catfish
I think the blogosphere won MJD.
March 20, 2007 at 3:07 am
FoxxyBrown
great job! yet, i hope you don’t mind that i substituted in “Celine Dion” for “a female pitbull”? hasn’t the professional athlete-owned canine community suffered enough this year?
March 20, 2007 at 3:53 am
BA
brava, mjd, brava. the fanhouse is great but we’ve missed you on this site.
March 20, 2007 at 10:55 am
Steve
It sounds just about how it really happened. Porter is an idiot waiting to happen. What do you expect from a gang-banger!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 20, 2007 at 11:34 am
Signal to Noise
Golf claps, sir.
March 20, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Emily
That was brilliant, we need more of this! I can’t wait to order my vagina pink Roethlisberger jersey.
March 20, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Captain Milky of the Fighting Toshibas
Them’s Joey Porter’s colors
HA!
What’s even better is that was totally how I would expect it to go down.
March 20, 2007 at 2:14 pm
the butler
Holy God I’m crying.
That was beautiful.
March 20, 2007 at 7:03 pm
The Big Picture
the gun woulda come out if joey went bust.
March 20, 2007 at 10:06 pm
Knots
and the he killed a miniature horse
March 21, 2007 at 5:21 pm
memphis bengal
MJD:
That was pure brilliance, as always.
March 23, 2007 at 7:21 am
Bengal Dude
Porter is a chump. I hope he becomes someones jail-house bitch for a while.
March 26, 2007 at 12:56 am
Miles Marino
“If you want to stay here and insinuate that I have female genitalia, fine. But leave that old man alone, okay?”
Quite possible the greatest line of all time. Ever. Maybe even up there with “We talkin practice.”
March 26, 2007 at 5:48 pm
SLaird22
Joey Porter definitely has an H2, unfortunately it’s not black and gold. Just kind of tan. While valeting I locked the keys to his H2 in Casey Hampton’s car. JP was not too pleased, but at least he didn’t kill me.
March 26, 2007 at 11:15 pm
Joel
Awesome post! Joey Porter is a bit of a nut…
March 27, 2007 at 2:19 pm
meg
Sorry, cant type…laughing, crying…phahaha
March 30, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Barbtender
Is Joey Porter mjd’s muse?
Because I attribute 2 or the best 5 posts on this site to him…this, and the pitbulls.
Perhaps it is merely that JP provides such exceptional material.
Looking forward to Carnage with Flamingos.
April 1, 2007 at 4:49 am
Evan
Wow what an amazing and accurate account of the evening… Joey Porter is common street trash, no if’s and’s or but’s. From multiple eyewitness accounts Joey Porter was a little bitch who waited for his homeslices to surround Jones before he hit him….what a hardcore thug. He definetly represents Bakersfield well, which is the nation’s largest truck stop polluted by waste’s of human flesh. My hope is that when the Bengals and Dolphins hook up this year is that Jones cut blocks or leg whips Porter…cripples him so in 20 years I can watch Costas Now and see him in a “What Ever Happened To” segment. In all likelyhood he will be a permanent resident in a Bakersfield truck stop begging for loose change. That is a best case scenario.
April 3, 2007 at 12:29 pm
Chris
You’re site is dying.
April 20, 2007 at 10:47 pm