I know ESPN’s excited about the coming out of John Amaechi, but I think their new “All headlines should be gay in nature” policy goes a little too far.

“Short track racing has plenty of wrecks and plenty of fights, and somehow this one has just gotten national.”
- Michael Simko, race car driver with a serious temper

Somehow? You think it might be because you took a running start and dove feet first through another dude’s windshield? Think that might have something to do with it?

I’m sure you’ve seen this by now, but I thought this gentleman deserved a special mention. When you’re willing to jump over the hood of someone’s car, and stomp your feet through his windshield, all in one motion… you’ve earned my respect. I don’t know who who was right or wrong in their fight, but I’m on the side of the guy who’s jumping through a motherfucker’s windshield. That is a man who firmly believes in the statement he’s making.

I can’t see myself being that pissed off at someone. Hell, I can’t see myself being that creative. Who thinks to put your feet through a goddamn windshield? It may have been pointless, it may have served absolutely no purpose in this guy’s stated intention of beating the hell out of the other guy… but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t inspired. That is thinking outside the box at its finest.

And the fall afterwards looks pretty brutal. His tailbone took a pounding right there, on asphalt. That had to hurt like a bastard. And he just stood right up and kept at it. That’s an angry man.

I think if I was the guy sitting in the other car, and someone tried to do that to me… I’d just have to get out of the car and let him punch me in the face. If he’s willing to do that, I probably deserve to get socked in the grill. And he certainly has earned the right to hit me. Kudos, Michael Simko.

Well, I didn’t see this day coming. When I started this little blog a few years ago, I never thought they day would come when I’d be discussing the effects of someone’s menstrual cycle on their chances for success in NASCAR. But, thanks to IRL driver Ed Carpenter… today, that day has come. From the AP article…

A fellow IRL driver says Danica Patrick has what it takes to succeed if she switches to the paint-swapping world of NASCAR and she’s plenty aggressive in open-wheel racing when it’s “the right time of the month.”

Couldn’t agree more… and I think she’s even particularly aggressive when she’s experiencing a heavy flow. Do you suppose her IRL competitors have calendars in their garages, tracking Danica’s cycle, so that they can accurately predict how aggressively she’ll be racing on a given week?

Of course, it doesn’t surprise me when other people in the racing industry question Danica Patrick’s ability and credentials. All of that just goes with the territory. We’re talking about race car drivers, not the Algnoquin Round Table. I just didn’t think her cycle would ever be brought up.

I don’t really see much point in hammerring Ed Carptender for this. He was trying to compliment her, and I’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. But that doesn’t mean that he didn’t choose his words really, really, poorly. I’m not going to call him a neanderthal moron who spends his days painting dicks on the side of a cave. But it does sort of remind me of myself in junior high, when I was running around saying, “must be that time of the month,” about any girl I came in contact with, despite having no idea what that meant.

Danica’s father wants to see her make the move to NASCAR, and he spent the weekend holding some exploratory talks with NASCAR teams. He was in the Nextel Cup garage as a guest of the Roush racing team, home to guys like Mark Martin, Matt Kenseth, and Greg Biffle fo’ shizzle. There’s no indication of interest here from Danica herself… just her father. When the two of them discuss it, though, I hope she says, “All I wanna do is race, daddy.” That would make a good movie.

This seems like something that really should happen. NASCAR gets another personality, Danica gets infinitely more exposure and attention, and the backwards redneck hick portion of the NASCAR audience gets a guilt-free target of hate and ridicule. Everyone wins.

My only concern is that if she does make the switch, the spotlight on her gets brighter, and the pressure to win increases… and if she never does, it could get ugly. There will certainly be some resentment. And she’s dealt with that on a smaller scale, but NASCAR’s a bigger stage… so if she wins, the adulation increases, but if she loses, so does the resentment. She’ll have to be prepared to deal with that.

So I ask those of you who follow the motor sports… would Danica have any chance in NASCAR? I don’t know if the drivers are better there than in IndyCar, or if NASCAR has more of a reliance on the car itself… but I have a feeling I’m about to hear a few, “No, she wouldn’t have a chance in hell”s.

The Scientology people are getting into NASCAR. “Dianetics,” the book by L. Ron Hubbard that is largely responsible for making popular all of this Scientology nonsense, is sponsoring a racing team. On the team name, they’re deciding between “Ignite Your Potential,” or “Team Crazy Motherfucker.” It’s still up in the air.

The reason that Scientology wants to get involved with NASCAR is obvious: because Tom Cruise was damn good in “Days of Thunder.” Some OT VIII Scientologist, who is completely gone, caught Days of Thunder on basic cable and thought to himself, “Yes. Scientologists have a talent for this, how do you say, auto racing? Yes. This is how we will con more–er, spread our word.”

Actually, I don’t think it will be Tom driving the car, unless there’s room in the back for Katie Holmes and the poor child who is facing a major uphill battle in life. I think they have another driver lined up:

Driver Kenton Gray credits Hubbard’s work with making him a good driver. “It’s markedly improved my focus and my consistency,” he said in an announcement from Hubbard’s publisher. “Through ‘Dianetics’ I’ve handled stress and increased my performance and ability to compete—both on the track and in life.”

Wow. Straight off the infomercial, huh, pal? Spoken like Ron Popeil. Or anyone else who’s trying to sell something.

Here were Richard Petty’s thoughts when Janet Guthrie attempted to qualify for a NASCAR race in 1976. It’s a quote from Janet Guthrie’s book, actually:

“When I shook hands with Richard Petty I thought I’d get frostbite,” Guthrie wrote. “Later, he would be quoted as saying of me: ‘She’s no lady. If she was she’d be at home. There’s a lot of differences in being a lady and being a woman.’”

Well, yeah. A lady makes eggs and french toast, cleans the house, and blows her husband while he watches NASCAR. A woman gets in a race car, and thus, grows chest hair, develops a lumpy ass, and slowly becomes infertile. Anyway, here’s Richard with his more enlightened view on things, 30 years later:

“I just don’t think it’s a sport for women,” Petty said in an interview with The Associated Press. “And so far, it’s proved out. It’s really not. It’s good for them to come in. It gives us a lot of publicity, it gives them publicity. “But as far as being a real true racer, making a living out of it, it’s kind of tough.”

Well, hey. You know, if he’d have stopped that first sentence after the 7th word, I’d consider agreeing with him. But he didn’t. And I guess some people just aren’t going to change or evolve. That’s alright. I’m not going to spend a lot of time hammering him for it… there’s no need. He is what he is, and I’m sure he’s not the only one. In fact, I could picture Richard Petty and Vijay Singh hanging out… actually, wait. No, I can’t picture that.

Well, maybe. General Motors is pusing the NASCAR people to switch to using ethanol in their cars. Here’s an argument for it.

The Indy Racing League has already made the switch… this year, the entire field in the Indy 500 will use cars that are running on a combination of ethanol and methanol… and next year, it will be 100% ethanol. There are people who want NASCAR to do the same.

And they should. It’s the right thing to do. Like it or not, NASCAR has a lot of influence with the people of America. If they did the responsible thing and made the switch to ethanol, then maybe the guy in the big-ass truck that lacks a muffler would consider doing the same. Maybe then ethanol would be something worth considering, and not just something that the tree-hugging hippie homos were trying to push on God-fearing Americans who have every right to burn as much oil as they want, because this is America, motherfucker, and we’ll put a boot up your ass.

And hey, it might help to get NASCAR some good press in areas where their fanbase isn’t so strong. Maybe I’ll even start to like NASCAR… though, after that last paragraph, you may have your doubts about that. That’s OK. So do I.

But it is something NASCAR should do… and it would be really nice if they could be a trendsetter on this particular issue.

Dateline NBC, a news program, was looking to investigate the treatment of people in American who “look Muslim.” So they found a few dudes who fit whatever description they were looking for, and set them to… a NASCAR race.

The NASCAR people are mad. The NASCAR people can also suck me. When the rebel flags are gone from the parking lot, then maybe you can bitch about being branded racist. Until then, however, the NASCAR people and their symbol of southern pride can go fist themselves. It’s like walking into a restaurant wearing an OJ Simpson jersey and carrying a knife, and then wondering why the waiters seem a little unsure of you.

Now, don’t misunderstand… I’m not saying that all, or even most, NASCAR fans are racist. I don’t believe that. But if you’re looking for racists, I don’t think it’s that bad of an idea to follow the rebel flags.

There’s been some discussion about the appropriateness of the IRL people going ahead with the race on Sunday after Paul Dana died on the track earlier in the day. I don’t have a clue what the right answer is… but the safer decision would probably have been to push it back a day or two, or cancel it all together.

I remember a few years ago, a WWF wrestler died during a pay-per-view event, and the WWF caught hell for continuing with the show.  I haven’t seen a whole lot of outrage about IRL’s decision to go ahead, and I’m alright with that.

I’d have cancelled it if I was in charge. And that’s not a criticism of the people who actually had to make the decision… I don’t know that there is a right and wrong here. I know a lot of fans paid for tickets and traveled a long way to get to the race, and that’s just a tough situation. If it was me, I’d have had a hard time sitting there and cheering for anyone just hours after a guy had died on that very spot just hours ago. But I certainly understand if not everyone sees it that same way. I just hope that they made the decision with their hearts, and not by a TV schedule or any other financial reasons.

To change the subject a little bit, it’s really sort of amazing that this kind of thing hasn’t happened more often in IRL. The way his car was shredded, it looked like it was made of styrofoam. Is this safe? Is professional car racing safe? Mark McGwire hits a few extra home runs, Jose Canseco writes a book, and we get a congressional hearing on baseball. How many people have died in auto racing over the years… and not a word? If I had a kid, I’d rather see him shove a needle full of dianabol into his ass than get behind the wheel of a race car.

Because they drew a better rating than an NBA game that was on ABC at the same time… an NBA game featuring Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, no less. Rain beat the NBA’s rating by 39% and the Bay Hill Invitational by 18%. I guess the athleticism of Kobe Bryant can’t compare to the athleticism of a big fucking engine.

It just makes me concerned for the future. A live race outdrawing an NBA game makes me sad for the future… a fucking rain delay, though? If they had to race in the rain, that would be one thing. What do they show during a rain delay, though? Replays of very special left turns from years past? Barbeque tips from guys with Rusty Wallace’s signature tatooed on their shoulder? Jeff Foxworthy stand-up?

I just don’t know what’s going to happen to television. I fear a day when there’s auto racing on all three networks every weekend. It’s out of control. People are watching NASCAR rain delays and Larry the Cable Guy movies. I don’t know what to do.

Bill Lester will attempt this weekend to become the fastest driving black man to not be pulled over in Georgia. He is trying to become the first black man to qualify for a NASCAR race in 20 years.

Hey, best of luck to him. I have no idea how good a driver he is. Or, perhaps more important to his success, I don’t know how good his car is. I hope he just comes out of nowhere and wins the thing, so we can all witness 80,000 white southerners in attendance at the Atlanta motor speedway turn to each other and say, “Someone wanna fuckin’ explain this to me?”

The guy says he doesn’t want to be known as a black race car driver, but just as a race car driver who happens to be black… which tells me he doesn’t have a lot of interest in real cutural change. Which is fine. Not everyone has to be a crusader. But it’s a little disappointing to me that he won’t be sponsored by The Black Panthers and drive around with a big black fist painted on his hood.

Instead, he will be sponsored by “Waste Management.” Indeed, there is progress left to be made.