The system we’re currently using is so contrived and unconvincing, why not just fudge things a little bit more and bend the rules to allow us to crown a national champion right now? That way, we could just abandon this mountain of BCS horseshit, and get on to the business of setting bowl matchups that would actually be fun, if pointless.

There’s no one that deserves to play Ohio State for the national championship. In my mind, Ohio State has proved that they are the national champions, and if there’s one more game out there for them, it’ll either be against a team that doesn’t deserve the chance to play them because they didn’t go undefeated, or a team they’ve already beaten. Who gives a monkey’s nutsac?

You may have guessed this, but I don’t want a rematch. And it happened just like I thought it would… the two teams played a close game (though I’d argue it wasn’t a classic, that Ohio State was clearly better, and the game wasn’t quite as close as the final score would indicate, though it was certainly very competitive), and now people who didn’t want a rematch beforehand (Kirk Herbstreit and Jim Rome, off the top of my head) now want one. I remain unmoved.

Say Michigan plays them again, and beats them. Can you say then that Michigan State is clearly better and deserves a national title? I wouldn’t. If they win, they get a split, and we’re right back were we started. Unless they’d consider making it a best two-out-of-three situation, I will remain against a rematch.

And what if Ohio State wins the rematch? Well, then, congratulations, Buckeyes, you did something we already knew you could do, and we just wasted about a month of everyone’s time.

And if any other team, like USC, Florida, Arkansas, or God forbid, Notre Dame, plays and beats Ohio State in the championship game, then both of those will be one-loss teams, and Ohio State’s loss likely would have come against a much better team than whoever beat the team that just beat Ohio State. During the season, the BCS would reward Ohio State for that, but after the season, we’d just give the title to the other guy? Poppycock, I tell you. Poppycock.

I hate the idea of a rematch. I see no point to it… but, if we give Ohio State the title now, and can have Michigan and Ohio State play again, just for the sake of amusement… then hey, why not, let’s have some fun. I’d prefer going back to the old system, where any bowl could have any team, as opposed to what we have now, which never works. Let’s just ram our collective wangs into the earhole of the BCS, and set some fun matchups. Such as…

Fiesta Bowl: Notre Dame vs. Rutgers.
Orange Bowl: Louisville vs. Arkansas.
Sugar Bowl: West Virginia vs. Florida.
Rose Bowl: Boise State vs. USC.
The Bo Schembechler’s Wake Bowl: Ohio State vs. Michigan.

A fellow known as “Mattress Mack” has given a gift of $1 million to the University of North Texas football program… on the condition that they rename a new athletics facility after Darrell Dickey, a football coach who was fired by the school three weeks after he had a heart attack. If North Texas refuses… Mattress Mack will have the entire $1 million redirected to the music department.

They’re going to do it. Man, that renaming ceremony is going to be awkward.

Mattress Mack… is all man. If for no other reason than the nickname “Mattress Mack.” His real name is Jim McIngvale, but I guess he sells mattresses and his some goofy commercials that have earned him the nickname. For a short time after high school, I was briefly known as “Mattress MJD,” but for vastly different reasons that I’m not going to get into it other than to tell you, hey, a man’s gotta make a living.

Anyway, I think that’s a pretty awesome thing for Mack to do.

“Right’s right and wrong’s wrong. It’s the right thing to do,” McIngvale said. “I don’t think firing a guy three weeks after he had a heart attack was the right thing to do, either. Even Wall Street is not that callous.”

I also found this little note interesting:

McIngvale’s $1 million gift means a lot at North Texas, where the football program’s budget is about $3.7 million and the music school’s is about $8.7 million.

You don’t see that a lot. I’m guessing circumstances are a little different at, say, I dunno… Miami? I don’t know what their football budget is, but judging from the production values on that “Seventh Floor Crew” song, I know their music department isn’t seeing a lot of money these days.

Oh, and here’s Mattress Mack in action.

#1 vs. #2, rivalry game, BCS Championship Game, blah blah blah… but when Calvin starts peeing on something, then you know it means something.

Here’s what I don’t want to happen on Saturday. I don’t want a well-played, close game that comes down to the wire. Most people say now that they don’t want a rematch in the BCS Championship Game (Christ, I hate typing that), but if this one’s an instant classic, Brent Musburger and everyone else will be leading the cheers for them to do it again in Arizona.

I would hate, a couple months from now, for everyone to just accept that this Saturday’s game was meaningless, and if there’s a rematch, then that’s certainly what it was. Whoever loses… hey, you had your chance. I’d even rather see Notre Dame in there than a rematch. And if there were to be a rematch of this game, while Rutgers was still undefeated… well, that would be the ultimate middle finger to every college football program in the country that doesn’t have a reputation as a powerhouse.

One of you two teams, please, win by 40. Run up the score if you get the chance. See if you can sneak Braylon Edwards out there in Steve Breaston’s uniform, and do the same with Tom Brady in Chad Henne’s uniform. Eliminate any chance that a rematch could happen.

Mike McCoy, an Alabama wide receiver, was attempting to catch a pass during pre-game warmups when the ball sailed over his head. He made a move for it, and fell on top of Smokey, the bluetick coonhound that serves as Tennessee’s mascot. From that point, either the dog nipped at him and possibly got a little piece of his uniform … or the dog ripped his goddamn face off.

“It was over his head and he couldn’t catch it, but he came down right on top of Smokey,” [The dog's owner Earl] Hudson explained. “Now what dog worth his salt wouldn’t defend himself?

Ah HA. If the dog wasn’t planning on eating an Alabama player, then why did he have salt with him to begin with? Smokey didn’t just want to eat the player, he wanted to season him first. I wouldn’t be surprised if the little bastard had some Worcestershire sauce, too.

Alabama head coach Mike Shula said that the player was, in fact, bitten.

When asked if McCoy was bitten, Shula told reporters on Sunday, “I can confirm that. I wasn’t an eyewitness, but I did see that it drew blood in pre-game warmups.”

So the next time you’re watching an Alabama game, look for Mike McCoy. He’ll be the one on the sidelines, foaming at the mouth and pissing on himself.

Five players have been kicked off of UConn’s football team for disciplinary reasons. Junior defensive end Harold Stanback, junior safety/linebacker Ricky McCollum, sophomore wide receiver Nollis Dewar and two freshmen, receiver Todd Dorcelus and linebacker Carl Teague have all been removed from the team by head coach Randy Edsall… because they bought beer.

Bought beer. Not “drank beer.” Not “hard a big drunken party.” Not “got hammered and passed out in the middle of Rentschler Field.” They just bought two six packs of beer. Really, that’s it.

The team was staying at a hotel before Saturday’s game against Navy, and five guys went across the street to a convenience store. They purchased one six-pack of Heineken (it is UConn, after all), and one six-pack of Corona.

“We were walking back to the hotel and [assistant coach Carl Kotz] saw us. We just said we were going back to the room. He asked if we had anything in our bags and we all said no. Then we were in meetings later and he went through our rooms and searched through all our things and he said he found the beer.

“No one drank it. No one did anything with it. Nothing happened with the alcohol. And I am 21. There was no crime committed at all.”

And they’re gone. I find that bizarre. Did UConn convert to a Mormon school and not tell anyone about it? I understand that you don’t want players drinking the night before a game (and certainly, that’s never happened in UConn or college football history), but you’re going to kick them off the team for beer they didn’t even drink? That seems excessively harsh.

I know I’m absurdly late on this, but I wanted to mention that I really liked something Steve Spurrier said after South Carolina’s near-loss to Auburn. The Cock fans were applauding the team as they left the field.

“Please don’t clap when we come close. I don’t know if any coach has told our fans, ‘Please don’t clap if we get beat.”

Well, someone had to be the first, and I think it’s a worthwhile message. Drilling a winning mentality into a team is not easy. If a team gets comfortable with losing… it can be nearly impossible to change the attitude surrounding the team. Ask Temple. And if Steve Spurrier feels like his fans are tolerating an atmosphere of losing by applauding a loss, then he should say so. I think he’s absolutely right. The message is, “Do not be content with being a fucking loser, and don’t you people let them feel like it is okay.” Or maybe the message was, “Lou Holtz was a fucking pussy. I am not.” I think it was one of those two.

I bet Spurrier was actually legitimately confused by the fans reaction when he heard it. Think about it… when’s the last time someone applauded him when he lost? It didn’t happen at Florida, and it damn sure didn’t happen with the Redskins. In fact, I don’t think anyone applauded him for anything he did when he was in Washington. He probably started looking around the field for a streaker or a fistfight or something that might be drawing some applause.

I understand that Bob Stoops wants to vent, and he should be entitled to do that. And he has vented, and he’s continued to do so, and I hope someone shows him the Wrap-It-Up box soon. Regardless of what happened, if you’re the best team in the Big 12, then you’ll win the Big 12 and still go to a major bowl game. You’ve still got a chance to do that. That offer remains on the table.

I do wish, though, that the rest of Oklahoma would just shut the fuck up about it. They’re now talking about pulling out of their 2008 game against Washington if the Pac-10 doesn’t change their policy that requires that Pac 10 officials be used at home games for non-conference teams.

Absurd. Oklahoma knew the policy when they entered into the contract, and they didn’t say a word about it then. If they felt the policy was unfair, they should’ve never signed the deal. Now, they get a bad call, and all the sudden, they can’t be consorting with the lowlives in the Pac 10.

It was a bad call. Nothing more, nothing less. There was not some vast conspiracy against Oklahoma in that game, it was simply a very very poor replay process, a rushed, poor judgment by a replay official, and a couple of on-field officials that missed some things they should have seen, too. It’s unfortunate, but it happened. You’ve complained for a couple of days, and that’s fine, but now it’s time to suck it up and move on.

I’m think Washington should step up and cancel the series first. The Washington AD should call a press conference tomorrow and say something like, “We’re really not comfortable playing a game against a group of twelve-year-old girls. We understand that the Oklahoma people are afraid that the referees will be mean to them again, and we don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt. We’re not playing them, but we do wish them the best of luck in the future, and in securing a berth in the Tampax Gentle Glide Bowl.”