A woman has filed a civil lawsuit against Zach Randolph of the Portland Trailblazers, claiming that he, um… well, that he did a bunch of wild shit, some of which would make him a dirty, dirty, bastard… and some of which would make him a rapist. Henry Abbott at True Hoop went through the legal documents and found the following notes…

Randolph allegedly offered $500 to a women he knew, and another he didn’t, to perform a live sex show.

Randolph allegedly wasn’t happy with the sex show.

The plaintiff, having had a lot to drink, allegedly fell asleep.

The plaintiff allegedly woke up to Randolph, umm, forcing entry in the back door. Twice. Which she allegedly resisted and did not want.

Randolph then allegedly forces some more entry, through the front door.

The plaintiff allegedly went to the hospital too late to collect any rape evidence (after slightly more than three days).

This is all really surprising, because so many good things can happen when you offer complete strangers $500 to exchange bodily fluids in front of you. I’ve never heard of a situation like that ever going wrong. Weird.

My guess is that the woman will be paid off, and that the civil suit will go away. Might be expensive for Zach Randolph… but it’s the easy way out of things, he won’t be going to jail, and no one will be on television discussing where his pubic hairs might have been found.

But the upside is that he and Kobe Bryant will have something to talk about next time they shake hands before a tip-off.

Kobe: Sucks, doesn’t it?
Zach: Pssh. Hell yeah, it does.
Kobe: You’re gettin’ off easy, brother. Believe that.
Zach: (begrudging nod)

With Pat Tillman’s 30th birthday coming on Monday, and the Cardinals putting him in their ring of honor this weekend, the Associated Press has dug through a ton of Army evidence about how Pat Tillman was killed.

I actually don’t have a ton to say about it … I don’t feel qualified to speak on the issue, and I’m sure there are others out there who are more knowledgeable and have a deeper sense of outrage than me. But here are snippets of the AP’s findings, from this SI.com article. It’s not a lot of fun to read.

One of the four shooters, Staff Sgt. Trevor Alders, had recently had PRK laser eye surgery. Although he could see two sets of hands “straight up,” his vision was “hazy,” he said. In the absence of “friendly identifying signals,” he assumed Tillman and an allied Afghan — who also was killed — were enemy.

Another, Spc. Steve Elliott, said he was “excited” by the sight of rifles, muzzle flashes and “shapes.” A third, Spc. Stephen Ashpole, said he saw two figures, and just aimed where everyone else was shooting.

Tillman’s platoon had nearly run out of vital supplies, according to one of the shooters. They were down to the water in their CamelBak drinking pouches, and were forced to buy a goat from a local vendor. Delayed supply flights contributed to the hunger, fatigue and possibly misjudgments by platoon members.

A field hospital report says someone tried to jump-start Tillman’s heart with CPR hours after his head had been partly blown off and his corpse wrapped in a poncho; key evidence including Tillman’s body armor and uniform was burned.

Wow.

Okay, probably not. But you know, police haven’t ruled it out. And that’s something.

Police are investigating the shooting of rapper Fabulous and the theft of Sebastian Telfair’s necklace as possibly conected. Bassy was hanging out outside of one of Diddy’s clubs in New York, when someone jacked him for a chain that was valued at $50,000. Ripped it right off his neck.

And just minutes later, Fabolous was shot outside of the same club.

Telfair, and this probably sounds more suspicious than it actually is, turned down an offer from someone to call the police for him. He was then seen making a phone call of his own.

So… yeah. That’s where it is. Police are investigating. And let me say that I’m really sorry that Fabulous (real name Skylar John Jackson) was shot… I don’t know how bad his wounds are, and I hope there’s a quick and full recovery. I liked “Into You,” and I don’t care if that makes me a woman.

But at the same time… I’d be lying if I told you that I wasn’t excited about the possibility that Sebastian Telfair had Fabolous shot because someone jacked his chain. That would be bizarre, surreal, and I’m sorry, but… awesome. And hopefully it would set off some kind of a huge rapper vs. Boston Celtic beef, where T.I. ends up putting a slug in Brian Scalabrine, and Paul Pierce gets stabbed by… actually, that’s probably in poor taste. Nevermind.

Let me also say that I think that’s highly unlikely… I mean, I’m not expecting police to arrive at that conclusion.

And again… recover quickly, Fabolous. Follow your own advice.

As you may be aware, Congress approved a bill yesterday that pretty much outlaws internet gambling. The bill prohibits credit card companies and other payment services from accepting any kind of online gambling transactions. The internet gambling ban was attached to some kind of port security legislation that’s very likely to be signed by the president in the next couple of weeks.

If you’re wondering why Congress felt it was important to do this… hell, I dunno. It’s one of those shady little deals where a dickhead lawmaker or two won’t let a bigger bill get through unless he also gets to attach some kind of douchebag legislation to it that he and maybe a couple other people want. As for why those people feel it’s important… I imagine it’s because if we gamble over the Internet, the terrorists have already won. Or perhaps we’re supporting terrorism when we do it. Or maybe it’s as simple as the fact that these colors don’t run, so, you know… let’s roll. Mission accomplished.

But if you’re one of those conspiracy theory nutjobs out there who needs a better explanation, Iowa Republican Jim Leach, who sponsored the bill, had this explanation:

“Religious leaders of all denominations and faiths are seeing gambling problems erode family values,” Leach said in a statement. “If Congress had not acted, gamblers would soon be able to place bets not just from home computers, but from their cell phones while they drive home from work or their BlackBerries as they wait in line at the movies.”

AND? You know what that sounds like to me? Convenience. It sounds like an example of someone making good use of the technology available to us. I don’t understand… what happens if someone places a bet over a BlackBerry while waiting in line to see a movie? Really, what happens? Are we concerned that this man won’t be able to focus on the movie because he’s really hoping that the Broncos cover? Would it really be that big of a loss to the nation if this guy wasn’t able to properly enjoy Jackass Number Two?

I guess that’s where we draw the line, when people use cell phones and BlackBerries. That’s when it’s out of hand. You know, I wish drug dealers would think to start using cell phones for drug deals, so then the government could get around to whooping some ass on that War on Drugs. Does this fellow think no one’s ever used a cell phone to place a bet before? Or a BlackBerry, for that matter?

And if religious leaders are concerned about it, then of course we have to act. Because that’s what our great nation is based on: making laws out of the religious values of a few people. That’s what freedom is all about. I feel like listening to a goddamn Lee Greenwood record.

Myself, I’m not really going to miss it. I’ve never placed a sports bet online, and while I’ve played a little bit of poker online, it’s not something I really made a habit of. I hadn’t played in quite some time. But putting a ban on this is absurd and does absolutely nothing to make anyone happier, safer, or better in any way.

One of two things is going to happen. Either the online sites are going to find a loophole, or some way around this… or the gamblers are going to take their business to their local bookie, to underground poker clubs… places where, if they screw up, they get their legs broken.

Well, this is unfortunate. Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams have been sentenced to prison. There are still appeals to be made, but if they don’t get it overturned, they’ve been sented to do 18 months.

They’re certainly not the first journalists to be going to jail for a refusal to give up their source. I don’t believe they did anything but seek to present the truth to the public, but at the same time, the government’s got every right, in fact, it should be expected, to do all they can to figure out who illegally leaked grand jury testimoney.

It’s too bad that they’re probably going to do time. They’re not bad people, they didn’t seek to do anything but put the truth out there. A free press is important. It’s more than important, it’s crucial. It’s necessary. They did their job, and they did it well.

But at the same time… protecting grand jury testimony is also important. Not to me, necessarily, but you could see why it would be important to our legal system. I may not like the law that says they have to go to jail, but it is the law, and it’s not a secret to anyone.

I’m left in the position of admiring Fainaru-Wada and Williams, but I can’t really feel bad for them. I don’t want them to do time, I wouldn’t wish that on hardly anyone. But they published a book that contained grand jury testimony, and they had to know that this was a risk they’d face along the way. They did it, and they’re not backing down from it, and I admire the hell out of them.

I probably wouldn’t do the same. Scratch that–I definitely wouldn’t do the same. If someone gave me some private grand jury testimony that indicated that Barry Bonds was injecting steroids, smashing the skulls of baby puppies with concrete blocks, had killed Jon Benet Ramsay, and was currently harboring Osama bin Laden in his basement… well, it’s not going to be me that rats him out.

If they end up going in, I hope their stay is brief and devoid of any sort of anal violation. Good luck, fellas.

I feel terrible for this poor bastard. Gordon Riese, the instant replay official who missed the call at the end of the Oregon/Oklahoma game, is not doing well. He can’t eat, he can’t sleep, his blood pressure is through the roof, and some jackass Oklahoma fans are threatening his life, as well as his wife and children. He doesn’t know if he wants to return this season, or ever.

“I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, my blood pressure is skyrocketing,” Riese said, looking haggard and worn as he sat on the front porch of his house.

“They not only threatened me, they threatened my wife and kids,” Riese said.

“I don’t know how to deal with it,” he said. “I guess it’s just one of those things.”

That is entirely sickening, and clearly, the people responsible for the threats are mentally imbalanced and belong in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

I don’t know what else to say, except I feel terrible for the guy. He made a mistake. A mistake, even, that wasn’t entirely his fault. For some reason, he only had one replay angle of it, and it wasn’t the replay that everyone saw on TV. He didn’t have a lot of time to review it, he couldn’t freeze the frame, and was being pressured by television and the official on the field to make a call.

Making things worse was OU’s president acting like a total jackass, asking that the loss be overturned and all of the officials suspended for the year. Why would the president of the university even care? He doesn’t have other things to worry about, like, oh, I dunno… academics? Or making sure Rhett Bomar is comfortable financially? Act like a university president, dickhead, and not a scorned fan.

Just a sad and ugly situation.

There’s never a bad time for a Karl Malone scandal. The Mailman is accused offering some guy $25,000 to take the blame for an illegal elk hunting trip. The suit also alleges that Karl Malone’s brother in law threatened physical violence on the guy, if he couldn’t get the investigation to disappear.

Malone’s lawyer denies that any bribe or threats took place, of course. Myself, I’m not worried about Karl Malone hunting elk. I’m more concerned about Karl Malone hunting little Mexican girls.

Ultimately, I don’t care much about the legality of a Karl Malone hunting trip, nor do I care if he bribed a guy to take the blame for it (which seems unlikely, I mean, what’s the fine for something like that? Is there a fine? Can he not get his hunting license renewed next year). But Karl Malone’s involved in a legal scandal, and for some reason, that amuses me.

And just because, here are Karl’s thoughts on today’s popular music:

How embarrased is that kid right now? His dad was just on every news show in the country, flipping out because his son took a little bit of a late hit. Now he’s going to get picked on all the time, and the other kid can say, “What are you going to do, have your dad beat me up? Yeah, maybe when he gets out of Chino.”

I believe the team in black was losing, so the big kid probably made the hit on the little guy out of pure frustration. That happens, they’re youngsters. The kid who took the hit got right up, wasn’t injured, he’s fine … throw the flag, 15 yards, we all move on.

But here come daddy (an assistant freaking coach, even) like a bolt of lightning. He runs and puts a leaping knee into the kid, knocking him down… and then my favorite part, he starts backing up like he just saw Godzilla. He’s man enough to hit a 13-year-old, but when a ref steps in his direction, he starts backing up like a little girl. Yeah, he’ll do well in the joint.

This is just fantastic. How insane does a guy have to be for something like that to happen? Maybe the guy just picked this particular day to start up a cocaine habit. He actually escaped the scene, bit the police, through some amazing detective work, were able to track down the guy with the use of the videotape, his son, the other coaches on the staff, and the hundred or so witnesses that all knew exactly who he was.

I saw this yesterday morning on Deadspin, and I really can’t believe it’s not getting more attention know. I mean, it’s not everyday that Latrell Sprewell gets in trouble for choking someone. Okay, that happens. But when he grabbed P.J. Carlesimo’s neck, it wasn’t during sex. I don’t think so, anyway, but there may have been some sexual tension in the air. You know how basketball practice can be.

In this brand new Sprewell choking incident, however, the choking is alleged to have gone on during sex. A woman is accusing Latrell Sprewell of choking her while they were doing the hibbity-dibbity on his boat, Milwaukee’s Best. Well, of course it was on his boat named Milwaukee’s Best. Where else are you going to choke a woman? She complained to police, they noticed red marks on her neck, and they’re investigating. Carlesimo may end up be a character witness in this thing.

I can’t relate here. What is he, shooting a snuff film? There are people I want to have sex with, and there are people I want to choke. In very few instances are they the same people. And even if they are, I don’t know if I’d want to do both at the same time. Ann Coulter may be the lone exception.

Not to undermine the seriousness of the allegations, but … when you tell Latrell Sprewell that you’ll have sex with him on his boat named Milwaukee’s Best … I mean, what good is going to come from that? He’s not in the NBA anymore. Fucking him on his boat named Milwaukee’s Best isn’t going to get you good tickets to the next game, it’s not going to get you into the nice hotels, and clubs, and parties. It’s just going to get you choked.

As I mentioned on Deadspin yesterday, Vikings safety Dwight Smith and a lady friend were cited by police for indecent conduct at the Escape Ultra Lounge this past weekend. Details aren’t available on exactly what they were doing, but my guess is that genitalia were exposed, and it was being stimulated in some fashion. By that, I mean she was probably sucking his cock.

I don’t know what else they were doing in that stairwell that could’ve been too indecent, unless they were thumbing through a collection of the work of Robert Mapplethorpe, or using a Blackberry to browse through the archives of themightymjd.com.

And, you know, just because it was deemed ‘indecent’ doesn’t mean it couldn’t have been romantic. Let’s give Dwight Smith a little credit here. Some women want to be nailed in bar stairwells. Some women would like you to keep all of your “romance,” and your “conversation,” and your “exchanging first names,” and they just want you to put it down on them right there on the stairs under the goddamn coat rack.

Anyway… you’ve got to feel a little bad for Vikings owner Zygi Wilf and new head coach Brad Childress. It seemed like they were really trying. But the good news is that they just released Koren Robinson, so they’ve still got that going for them to protect their tough guy image. They had other options at receiver, but I’d imagine that it’s a pretty big drop at free safety from Dwight Smith to whoever’s backing him up. He’s probably free to fuck anyone he’d like, anywhere he’d like.

A few days ago, I said of Maurice Clarett’s arrest/depression/confusion/arsenal, that it was “the most bizarre and surreal sports story since OJ Simpson.” I’m going to have to take that back now, because Clarett now has been linked with the Isreali Mob. Yep. Isreali Mob.

At this point, hey, why the fuck not? If police said tomorrow that a magic beanstalk was growing out of Clarett’s urethra, I’d just shrug and say, “Well, that’s unusual.” I mean, when a guy is arrested outside of a pancake house with four guns, a bottle of the Goose, a bulletproof vest, a hatchet and a lint roller, is anything really out of bounds? Isreali mob ties almost seem like the natural next step in the progression.

The guy’s name is Hai Waknine, and he, according to this report, was the one providing Clarett with the cars, home, and bodyguards while he was busy letting his talents erode before the NFL combine. His lawyer speculates that the threatening note that Clarett recently received came from Waknine and/or his people, which seems like a reasonable connection to draw. And it’s becoming more and more clear that jail right now is the absolute best place for Maurice Clarett. Had he not been arrested when he was, Waknine and his people would be going after him like he was a member of Hezbollah.

When Maurice Clarett, after being pulled over with a small arsenal in his car, talked of receiving threats on his life, he may not have been making that up. When I first read his claim, I just sort of assumed that the man had gone Tom Cruise crazy. But he got another threat today, this one on a typewritten postcard that arrived at the offices of the lawyers representing him.

No one’s saying what was on the note, or what it means. It’s described as “very cyptic.” Kinda gives some more credence to Tom Friend’s article, where he sorta theorized that Clarett owed some people money, and they’d like it back.

As for Clarett himself, his lawyer says he’s doing alright in jail.

“He’s been in very good spirits,” Hoague said. “He’s basically sitting in his cell, doing sit-ups and push-ups and reading the Bible, all day long.”

He gets to jail, and now he wants to train. Better late than never, I suppose, but a few sit-ups and some Bible study might’ve been a little more useful if they had come, say, I dunno… a couple of months before the NFL combine. But if that’s true, and he is in good spirits, I don’t find that hard to believe at all. His only responsibility in prison is not to get shanked or raped, and if he’s isolated and protected, yeah, he’s probably happier without any responsibilities in there.

About four hours before Maurice Clarett was arrested on Tuesday night, he made a call to ESPN the Magazine’s Tom Friend. Friend shares the nature of that phone call - and a lot of other stuff you probably didn’t know about Maurice Clarett - here in this incredible ESPN.com article.

You’re not going to find much better reads than this one, and somewhere in here might be the reason that Clarett had four loaded guns, a bulletproof vest, and a bottle of Goose. I’ll see if I can hit the high points for you, but you really should read it for yourself.

• Clarett, after Ohio State kicked him out, moved to LA and lived with some rich people involved in the rap industry. They set him up with cars, trainers, money, an easy life, anything he wanted.
• He neglected any and all training for his upcoming NFL career
• Clarett is massively, massively insecure and self-conscious
• He quit on one trainer, and then asked to be hooked up with the guy who was training David Boston, he of the unnatural strength and physique
• In Denver, he carried around a water bottle full of Grey Goose with him at all times
• He got into an argument with the Denver strength coach, and demanded to the GM that the strength coach be fired. When he wasn’t fired, Clarett then demanded a trade. Before he had signed a rookie contract
• He turned down a $416,000 signing bonus, for an incentive-laden deal that paid him for 1,000-yard seasons and Pro Bowls. He got cut, and did not make any money.
• He went back to Ohio, and, you’d have to assume, owed some people back in LA some money
• He recently had a daughter
• His agent claimed that he had received death threats
• He told Friend he’d do anything to protect his daughter, saying he’d go to jail for 30 years if he had to
• He made a series of phone calls that night, to Friend, to Jim Tressell, and to LeBron James, thanking all of them
• And shortly after was arrested

Pretty easy to connect the dots there. Maybe some of it was in his head, maybe the guy just simply had some mental problems (something the Sports Frog was talking about back in ‘03). But it’s certainly a compelling theory, and is as close to ‘believable’ as anything is going to get in this story.

This is the most bizarre and surreal sports story since OJ Simpson. It may be the only thing that’s happened in my lifetime that even comes close to OJ, in terms of just sheer unbelievability. The arrest itself was so sensational and bizarre, but the picture painted by that outstanding Tom Friend article just pushes it to an entirely new level. It’s absolutely surreal. Maurice Clarett being a screw-up is one thing. This is a damn Greek tragedy.

Sometimes when you read about an athlete getting arrested, it’s funny. Like when an offensive guard gets picked up for Boating Under the Influence, for example. Other times, it’s sad, like, “Ah, that’s too bad, I’d like to see that guy get his life together.” But sometimes - not often, but sometimes - it progresses to the point where you say, “Alright, it’s time to get this motherfucker off the streets.”

And it gets to that point when a guy is arrested while wearing a bulletproof vest, with four loaded guns in his car, all of which were loaded and in the front seat, in addition to the hatchet and the open bottle of Grey Goose, which he was drinking in front of cops. Say what you want about Maurice Clarett, but the man has good taste in vodka. The photos you see here are of his actual arrest, and of his actual Goose.

There’s just not much to say. The guy is a danger to himself and to society. There are very few good reasons to be driving around, hammered, in a bulletproof vest and with four loaded guns in the front seat. Someone was probably going to get hurt last night.

It all should have been so much different for Maurice Clarett. It’s time to just get him off the streets and get him some help before he kills himself or someone else.

Running a professional sports franchise for years and years with no intention of fielding a competitive team would make someone a douchebag. Owning a bunch of properties and refusing to rent apartments to black people, that puts him in a whole different stratosphere. That makes him basketball’s Marge Schott.

Of course, he hasn’t been found guilty of anything. But he’s being sued for those things, including housing discrimination, for refusing to rent to black people and families with children. And there are two things that indicate that this isn’t just some frivolous lawsuit filed for flimsy reasons: 1) the lawsuit was filed by the U.S. Department of Justice, who probably doesn’t do this thing for just no reason, and 2) it’s not the first time something like this has happened.

He was sued in 2003 for trying to “drive out” tenants, tenants who happened to be black or Hispanic. Just this past November, he was ordered by a federal judge to cough up about $5 million in fees to the plaintiffs’ attorneys.

This story’s been flying under the radar a little bit. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’d think it would be a pretty big story if a high profile owner of a sports team was found guilty of something like this. As you may have noticed, there are several black players in the NBA, a couple of whom are even on the Clippers roster. There’s Elton Brand, Shaun Livingston, Corey Maggette, and Sam Cassell is probably considered black back on whatever planet he came from.

I’d think things could get a little uncomfortable for those gentlemen at upcoming team functions. Sterling might want to move from courtside up to the luxury boxes.