Archive for the ‘Criminality’ Category

June30

“He Was Masturbating!”

By: the mighty mjd

I wasn’t planning on blogging anything today. But sometimes… sometimes, Eddie Griffin gets drunk, gets behind the wheel of his Chevy Suburban, and drives through a grocery store parking lot while watching pornography on his in-car DVD player and masturbating furiously. Hey, that kind of thing just happens every now and then.

I’m pretty sure that I’m going to live my whole life without ever masturbating in my car. I say that confidently. Should the mood ever strike me… I’d imagine that I’d pull off the road, perhaps find a rest area… something. Even if I lived in my car, I just don’t think I’d be comfortable there. Or safe. And if I did do it, and it caused me to crash into another car, I probably wouldn’t tell a witness that it was the reason for my crash. And I think masturbating in my car would be even less likely if I was an NBA player. There is no shortage of trim available to NBA players… even Eddie Griffin. And I don’t usually take pornography with me on trips to the grocery store. But that’s just me.

Oh, Eddie Griffin… so much talent. I’d describe him as a combination of Tayshaun Prince, Ron Artest, and Mike Cooper. He could be one of the premier roleplayers in the league, but, well, he’s crazy, and he jacks his dick while driving. NBA teams are going to have to add this to the things they investigate while doing background checks on their prospects. Scouting Report on Eddie Griffin: gifted shot blocker, long arms, defends multiple positions, versatile offensively, routinely punches teammates, is an alcoholic, fires guns at his girlfriend, jacks his dick in his car.

I think I’m going to go order an Eddie Griffin jersey.

Posted in: Criminality, NBA16 comments

June20

Santonio Holmes Gets Arrested An Awful Lot For A Guy Who’s Done Nothing Wrong

By: the mighty mjd

He got the benefit of the doubt when he got locked up in Miami on a weekend where the Miami PD seemed to be arresting everybody. But, this arrest is Santonio Holmes’ second before his first training camp. He’s approaching Chris Henry territory. He’s not there, but… he’s on that path.

Santonio, shown above on his way to a Tracy Chapman lookalike party, has some baby mama drama. According to police reports, a woman called police and said the father of her child had assaulted her. Officers showed up, arrested him, and charged him with domestic violence and simple assault. Both are misdemeanors.

Steelers fans are understandably upset. One Steeler fan was interviewed and said, “Hey, if this bitch was so worried about domestic violence, she should just put on a damn helmet!” He then got a portable gas grill out of his trunk, stuck a Terrible Towel in his pants, and asked if he could borrow an officer’s taser gun to ingite his grill so he could cook a delicious bratwurst.

Not a good start for Santonio Holmes in Pittsburgh.

Posted in: Criminality, NFL3 comments

June13

Marveling At The Duke Support System

By: the mighty mjd

By now, certainly, you are aware of J.J. Redick’s DUI arrest. In fact, that may be the reason that you galloped around the office this morning, high-fiving everybody in your path. I wanted to mention it, though certainly no one’s going to have a better time with it than Deadspin had today.

The particulars: Redick spotted a checkpoint, and made an illegal U-turn to avoid it. He blew a 0.11, and the leagl limit is .08. That’s not Bob Probert territory or anything, but it’s drunk.

What amazes me is how quickly Duke University sprung into action. If you’re a college athlete, and you’re going to get a DUI… my hope for you is that you’re a Duke basketball player. Redick’s official statement was issued through Duke. And then Coach Mike Krzyzewski himself sprung into action, stopping himself just a second before he began comparing Redick to Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.:

“J.J. knows he made a mistake and regrets it. He represented the very best in college athletics and exhibited outstanding character at Duke the last four years. He is and will continue to be a credit to the Duke basketball family. As his friend and his coach, he has my total support.”

I’d imagine that the private conversation between Krzyzewski and his best pal Redick went a little differently, including a quote something like, “Hey asshole, I armed you for life, not for becoming the next Vin Baker. Who do I look like, Eddie fucking Sutton?”

Anyway, I’m not quite the Redick-hater that many, many, many, many, many, many others are… but I certainly don’t want to stand in the way of your enjoyment of this. Enjoy…

Posted in: College Hoops, Criminality, NBA5 comments

June9

Zach Randolph… Come On, Man

By: the mighty mjd

Oddly enough, he’s not even being charged with a crime here… but there’s still plenty of evidence here that Zach Randolph isn’t someone that you’d want on your basketball team. Or living anywhere within your area code.

A friend of Zach’s was driving Zach’s car, with Zach in the front seat. The driver was racing another car, doing 50-60 mph in a 20 mph zone. He was charged with speed racing, careless driving, failure to obey a traffic signal, and having no front plate. In addition, officers found two handguns in the car… but no one was charged with anything, becauze Zach has a concealed weapons permit. They must give those things to absolutely fucking anyone.

What do you need the guns for? In case you lose the race? If you’re at a point in your life where you feel it’s necessary to carry two handguns with you at all times, then you’ve probably made some poor choices along the way. And if you want to race, Zach, get yourself an XBox and a copy of Gran Turismo.

There may be no hope for this guy. I see him in a Knick uniform very soon.

Posted in: Criminality, Dickheads, NBA7 comments

May31

Gilbert Arenas Claims Innocence

By: the mighty mjd

I guess there’s a huge “Memorial Day celebration” in Miami Beach every year, also called Urban Beach Weekend. And it sounds like the Miami Police were putting in some overtime… they made 856 arrests in Miami Beach over the weekend, most of them for misdemeanor things like disobeying a cop, public alcohol consumption, etc.

Anyway, Gilbert Arenas and Wizards teammate Awvee Storey were among those who felt the handcuffs on some trifling “disobeying the police” charges. At the time the following quote was attributed to Gilbert:

“You can’t arrest me. I’m a basketball player. I play for the Washington Wizards and I’m not going to leave my teammate.”

Yeah, I have my doubts that he said that. Of course, I don’t know what happened… but that just doesn’t sound like something that Gilbert Arenas would say. That doesn’t sound like something that anyone would say. Gilbert’s just never struck me as that kind of guy.

But for a police officer, the beauty of it is, anytime you arrest an athlete, they can say that they went with the “Do you know who I am?” routine, and people will believe it, because it fits the stereotype of professional athletes. And again, I don’t know what happened… perhaps Arenas and Storey both deserved to be arrested, or perhaps the cops were just arresting anyone for damn near anything this weekend. I do believe, however, that a cop or someone along the line completely made up that quote that was attributed to Arenas.

Posted in: Criminality, NBA11 comments

May30

Scott Sauerbeck Tries The Old “Hiding In The Bushes” Routine

By: the mighty mjd

I’m not sure if he just dove behind some bushes, or if he went with the tried-and-true cartoon method of holding a bush in front of you, and tiptoeing along when no one’s looking… but Cleveland Indians pitcher Scott Sauerbeck was in fact arrested early Tuesday after police found him hiding in some bushes.

Sauerbeck was drunk, and apparently, so was the lady who was driving his car. They were weaving in traffic, and were pulled over. They pulled into a driveway, and Sauerbeck and his female companion got out, jumped a fence, and hid behind some bushes. The cops were not fooled by their clever and elaborate ruse.

And, as Deadspin touched on earlier today… why does every jack-ass in Ohio have a mustache? Check out Sauerbeck’s flavor saver there. That thing is gross. He should be arrested for having that mustache alone. I hope that in addition to the charges of obstructing official business and permitting someone intoxicated to drive his vehicle, that police charged him with felony upper lip obscenity.

Posted in: Baseball, Criminality6 comments

May1

Reggie Evans Will Not Be Suspended For His Manly Touch

By: the mighty mjd

Reggie Evans, in a Daly-esque fit on denial, says he didn't do anything wrong.I’m not sure that I want to live in world where it’s OK to sexually assault Chris Kaman. I’ve been enjoying the first round of the NBA Playoffs as much as I’ve ever enjoyed any sporting event, but… I might have to stop watching the NBA now. I cannot believe that he was not suspended for that. Oh, he was fined… $10,000. Which is about the same punishment the NBA might give out to a guy for doing something outlandish like, oh, I dunno… wearing warm-up pants on the way to the arena.

I just am in disbelief… If you take a step back and look at the danger involved in some of the previous incidents where guys have been suspended in the NBA playoffs, I believe that the Evans/Kaman ball tug might be the most dangerous. James Posey hit Kirk Hinrich before he went up for the lay-up… had he hit him a second later, as Hinrich was in the air, then, yes, that’d be more dangerous. Artest’s shot to Manu Ginobili’s head was barely anything. A firm tug on the ballsack by a man as strong as Reggie Evans… I’m no urologist, but that could mess up your goods, right?

I really am shocked by the lack of a suspension here. Shocked, I tell you. Maybe the NBA is thinking that it doesn’t warrant suspension because usually, Chris Kaman has to pay people to touch his balls… and they just view this one as a freebie. I have no idea.

Posted in: Criminality, Dickheads, NBA7 comments

May1

“Ernie, I Don’t Know Where You Get Your Cookies From…”

By: the mighty mjd

I’m sorry I didn’t have anything posted bright and early this morning, but that’s because I was still trying to process this:

Reggie Evans… went downstairs. I’m just a little disconcerted about a couple of things… 1) having to listen to Chris Kaman talk about his nuts so much… 2) the fact that someone wanted to touch Chris Kaman’s balls. It’s um… I dunno. I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it. But let us all give thanks to both YouTube and the TNT studio crew.

I just don’t know if I should call Reggie Evans a sick, sick, fuck… or praise him for having a greater desire to grab a rebound than any man has ever had in the history of the world. I’m all for hustle, and giving your all, and sacrificing for the team… but hey, there is no rebound out there that is worth me having to touch Chris Kaman’s nether regions. No rebound is worth that.

I am curious, though… is a suspension warranted? The NBA’s set the bar pretty low for the standard of conduct that warrants a suspension. If Artest deserved one, and Posey deserved one… then I’d think any sort of assault on the genitalia and/or attempted sex act deserves one. It’s not as outright violent as a tackle, but… I mean… those are balls. You just don’t touch balls. I think some jail time might be warranted.

Posted in: Criminality, Dickheads, NBA12 comments

April25

More Freaky, Bizarre, Lacrosse Action

By: the mighty mjd

These are lacrosse gloves. I hope that's not what they used.This one… is a doozy. Police are investigating an incident involving a possible hazing/sexual assault incident that went down on a high school lacrosse team in Ohio. According to a police report, older players on a team, while a coach was holding him down, put on a glove and jammed their fingers into the ass of a younger player.

Said the attorney representing one of the coaches, “It’s horseplay. It’s guys being guys.”

Um, no. That’s not guys being guys. That is sexual assault. Listen, I’m a guy. I know a lot of guys… and never have I wanted to fingerblast the asshole of another guy. And even if I were gay, I’m pretty sure I would never be sitting on a bus and thinking, “It sure would be nice to forcefully ram my digits into that guy’s anus.” It just doesn’t come up in my daily conversations. This is not something that people do.

The head coach wrote an e-mail to the JV coach about the incident, and had a couple of interesting things to say. Number one:

“That is what baffles us,” he wrote. “If this was such a big problem, why didn’t (the player) say something then to the other coaches?”

This might just be a weird quirk of mine, but when I’m sexually assaulted by older men, I have a tendency to clam up. Especially when they’re all sitting around me. I just don’t feel like talking right then. To me, that’s a time to reflect on how I was just molested and if I can ever feel like a whole human being again. But that’s just me. I don’t feel like talking when I’m sexually assaulted on a bus… I’m weird like that. But hey, everyone reacts differently when lacrosse players put on a glove and violate their rectum. We all have our own way of dealing with that.

Onto another interesting part of the e-mail:

“It was so light-hearted that the kids broke into the coaches’ (hotel) room that night and retaliated with a glove on. Everyone thought that was funny!”

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Not everyone thinks its funny, coach. I don’t think it’s funny. You can count me among those who don’t think it’s funny when a coach creates a culture on a high school sports team where it’s acceptable, amusing, or funny for players to go around putting their fingers into teammates and coaches asses.

I don’t know what all has to go wrong in your life before you think it’s OK that a group of high school kids just broke into your hotel room and attempted to fist you. I don’t know how someone gets to that point. That’s not normal behavior. That’s something that happens in maximum-security prison showers when there are no guards around on the day that the fresh fish have arrived.

If there’s any truth to this whatsoever, these coaches can’t be allowed around kids ever again.

Now, I want to be sure to point out that I’m not saying that all lacrosse players are fucked up… there are weirdly homoerotic hazing incidents that go down in plenty of other high school sports. But it certainly not been a happy month for the reputation of the sport of lacrosse.

Posted in: Criminality, Dickheads17 comments

April24

Ricky Manning Jr. Fears Technology

By: the mighty mjd

Shouldn't Ricky Manning Jr. at least step it up and go to an IHOP or something?From the Chicago Sun-Times via Deadspin… Bears DB Ricky Manning Jr. beat the hell out of a guy at a Denny’s this weekend. Allegedly, the incident started with Manning and his posse making fun of the guy for being on a laptop, it escalated, and they ended up just beating the hell out of the guy.

According to [LAPD officers], Manning was in a group that attacked a man in a Denny’s restaurant after teasing him for working on a laptop computer.

“The group began by making comments that the victim looked like a geek or a nerd,” Lewis said.

The victim asked the group to stop and then complained to a Denny’s manager before someone in the group punched him in the face. He then was punched and kicked by multiple attackers until losing consciousness, Lewis said.

It’s 3 a.m. at a fucking Denny’s. There is no one in the building at 3 a.m. that doesn’t have some kind of a problem. Alcoholics, people with depression, insomniacs, or just young dickheads who think it’s really cool to walk into Denny’s and act like they own the place… Denny’s at 3 a.m. is no place to be finding healthy, well-adjusted people. You could find a reason to beat the hell out of anyone you find at Denny’s at 3 o’clock in the morning.

So, I sympathize with the guy. I, myself, have been a public laptop user. And for me, it’s a sports bar… which is way worse than a Denny’s. It’s a decision I’ve struggled with. I feel like a huge dork when I do it. Not so much of a dork that I feel like an NFL player should have the right to beat me unconscious, but… a dork nonetheless.

I guess there’s a side of the story I haven’t heard, but… it’s hard to imagine laptop guy provoking Manning Jr. and and his posse. What was he doing, sitting there like, “Hey, you don’t even know what Alt + F4 does, bitch. You can’t even spell WiFi, you dial-up having motherfucker. Get outta my face, or I’ll reboot the side of your fucking head. DELL ‘TIL I DIE!”

This seems like the kind of thing for which someone should see jail time.

Posted in: Criminality, Dickheads, NFL17 comments

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