Critics Of Jon Singleton’s Deal Sound Like D-Bags


Ten million dollars, if you aren't spending money like an unemployed Bluth, is "you're going to be okay for the rest of your life" money. It's not A-Rod money, and it may not even be Mark Mulder circa 2002 money. But there is value in "okay for the rest of your life" money.

The $10 million is what stud Astros rookie Jon Singleton is guaranteed for signing a five-year contract with the club. Guys like Mulder and Bud Norris aren't happy about it. Here's Norris:

And Mulder, who also shares Norris's philosophy on Twitter handle structure:

Most grating is Mulder's "doesn't believe in himself" horseshit. As if it's nothing to make $10 million, likely closer to $35 million, and Singleton is now sitting on a stack of cash saying, "YEEEEE-HA! I do suck, and I fooled everyone!" Because I'm sure Singleton got to where he is by not believing in himself, and now he feels like he got over on someone.

That's pretty goddamn insulting of Chris Singleton, Mark Mulder. You think that's Singleton's motivation, as opposed to the perfectly obvious and understandable motivation of financial security? That's a pretty big leap. What kind of lowlife do you think Singleton is? And why do you think that?

As for Norris's assertion that Singleton should've listened to the union, well, you can forgive a rookie if he's not as cozily snuggled up on the lap of the players union as a veteran might be. Guys like Bud Norris ‒ who, with his $5.3 million salary this season, will get damn close to $10 million in career earnings ‒ are the guys the union protects, and the guys who pay the union's salary.

The union was not designed to help players in the minor leagues, which seems pretty clear, given that Singleton, before this contract, was slated to make $47,000 in each year he spent in the minors. Hey, anyone know why Jon Singleton prefer the possibility of making $35 million to the possibility of making $47,000 plus free bus rides and institutional-grade postgame hot dogs?

I don't know Chris Singleton's background, and it really doesn't matter. If he was poor, and he finds the idea of lifetime financial security appealing, that's his own very personal decision. Likewise, if he grew up Mulder-style, water-skiing at the age of three, and he finds the idea of $10 million as protection against injury or a sudden Knoblauchian inability to play baseball appealing, that is also his own very personal decision.

If I were in Singleton's situation, I believe I'd have been likely to make the same call. And then I'd take some of my $10 million and hire someone to throw a shoe at Mark Mulder's dick.


Great, Lance Stephenson Is Learning Lessons. Happy Now?


Lance Stephenson, whose awful words were the sole reason that great basketball player LeBron James played great basketball in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals, isn’t going to talk anymore.

And that’s smart. Because back in 2007, Lance Stephenson once told me that he didn’t like the color of my shoes, and the next day, I built a full-size, solar-powered helicopter out of a rusty curling iron, and then I bit Rampage Jackson’s ear off.

Continue Reading...


Marcus Smart Shoves An Old Man And I Will Stifle My LOLs


After a fine hustle play ‒ gritty and scrappy, one might even say ‒ Oklahoma State point guard Marcus Smart took a couple of steps into the crowd to shove an old man.

To be clear, Marcus Smart was not unprovoked. This was a heckling and possibly abusive old man, who very well might've earned that shove, but the four words "shove an old man" are just too amusing in that sequence.

Continue Reading...


Peyton Manning Is Not Embarrassed, Nor Should He Be


Peyton on whether or not he was embarrassed by Denver's Super Bowl evisceration:

"It's not embarrassing at all. I would never use that word. There's a lot of professional football players in that locker room that put a lot of hard work and effort into being here and playing in that game. The word 'embarrassing' is an insulting word, to tell you the truth."

Yeah, I'd have felt insulted, too. Bryce Harper, can you evaluate that question for me?

After he answered, Manning looked at the reporter like he just tried to start the wave at a baby's funeral. Here's video:

Continue Reading...


JR Smith Doesn’t Yet Understand ‘Growing Up’

JR Smith Shoelaces

If you’re trying to get a handle on when JR Smith might turn into a normal, stable, predictable human basketball player, today was probably a confusing day for you.

He started the day by talking to Stephen A. Smith on 98.7 FM in New York, where he confessed this:

“[Knicks head coach Mike Woodson] been telling me (to grow up) since I got here. Honestly, growing up, I don't know if I really understand the true meaning of it.”

How’s that for a wonderful little piece of inadvertent self-awareness?

Continue Reading...


A $50,000 Fine For Untying Shoes Is Steep. A Punch In The Face Is Not.


I know that we don't solve problems with violence, but I don't know that $50,000 fines are always appropriate, either. A fine of that size in response to the attempting untying of a man's shoes is akin to six months of jail time for cheating at Monopoly.

I propose instead that Shawn Marion and Greg Monroe each get to punch JR Smith in the face. Hard.

Continue Reading...


An incomplete list of Dallas Cowboys who “choked” at least as hard as Tony Romo against the Packers


I know many people like to spend their Mondays accusing Tony Romo of being an awful, awful man, and I do hate to ruin anyone's fun. But if you're killing only Romo for the disastrous collapse against the Packers yesterday, you're missing out on an opportunity to demean, insult, blame and meme-ify quite a few other eligible parties.

Continue Reading...