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Great, Lance Stephenson Is Learning Lessons. Happy Now?

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Lance Stephenson, whose awful words were the sole reason that great basketball player LeBron James played great basketball in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals, isn’t going to talk anymore.

And that’s smart. Because back in 2007, Lance Stephenson once told me that he didn’t like the color of my shoes, and the next day, I built a full-size, solar-powered helicopter out of a rusty curling iron, and then I bit Rampage Jackson’s ear off.

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Marcus Smart Shoves An Old Man And I Will Stifle My LOLs

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After a fine hustle play ‒ gritty and scrappy, one might even say ‒ Oklahoma State point guard Marcus Smart took a couple of steps into the crowd to shove an old man.

To be clear, Marcus Smart was not unprovoked. This was a heckling and possibly abusive old man, who very well might've earned that shove, but the four words "shove an old man" are just too amusing in that sequence.

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Peyton Manning Is Not Embarrassed, Nor Should He Be

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Peyton on whether or not he was embarrassed by Denver's Super Bowl evisceration:

"It's not embarrassing at all. I would never use that word. There's a lot of professional football players in that locker room that put a lot of hard work and effort into being here and playing in that game. The word 'embarrassing' is an insulting word, to tell you the truth."

Yeah, I'd have felt insulted, too. Bryce Harper, can you evaluate that question for me?

After he answered, Manning looked at the reporter like he just tried to start the wave at a baby's funeral. Here's video:

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JR Smith Doesn’t Yet Understand ‘Growing Up’

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If you’re trying to get a handle on when JR Smith might turn into a normal, stable, predictable human basketball player, today was probably a confusing day for you.

He started the day by talking to Stephen A. Smith on 98.7 FM in New York, where he confessed this:

“[Knicks head coach Mike Woodson] been telling me (to grow up) since I got here. Honestly, growing up, I don't know if I really understand the true meaning of it.”

How’s that for a wonderful little piece of inadvertent self-awareness?

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A $50,000 Fine For Untying Shoes Is Steep. A Punch In The Face Is Not.

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I know that we don't solve problems with violence, but I don't know that $50,000 fines are always appropriate, either. A fine of that size in response to the attempting untying of a man's shoes is akin to six months of jail time for cheating at Monopoly.

I propose instead that Shawn Marion and Greg Monroe each get to punch JR Smith in the face. Hard.

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An incomplete list of Dallas Cowboys who “choked” at least as hard as Tony Romo against the Packers

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I know many people like to spend their Mondays accusing Tony Romo of being an awful, awful man, and I do hate to ruin anyone's fun. But if you're killing only Romo for the disastrous collapse against the Packers yesterday, you're missing out on an opportunity to demean, insult, blame and meme-ify quite a few other eligible parties.

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