Archive for the ‘Dickheads’ Category

July18

The Vilification Of Terrell Owens

By: the mighty mjd

I enjoy the soap opera-esque subplots in sports as much as anyone. I’m always intrigued when guys are fighting for some reason or another, even if that reason is really dumb. I’m even mildly interested in Tony Stewart, because it seems like every other week, he’s bitching about how he hates someone. But I’m pretty much done with any controversies surrounding Terrell Owens. I’m sure I’ll change my mind when he accuses Drew Bledsoe in Week 6 of molesting armadillos, but for now… I’ve just lost all interest.

The latest “story” surround an interview he did with Bryant Gumbel on HBO… and Owens said that the media doesn’t like him, blames the media for his P.R. issues, and that he feels like he’s misunderstood and has been uncecessarily vilified.

So… Yeah? Is that it? Is that really all there is to the story? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve heard all that before. I just don’t find him to be all that compelling anymore. There’s no mystery about him. He has no idea what it means to be a good teammate, he has no interest in functioning as a part of a group, he cares way too much about himself on the field, and he’s massively, massively insecure. That’s it. That’s the beginning, middle, and the end… and I just don’t find it entertaining anymore. There’s no intrigue left. I’m not even buying his calendars anymore.

At this point, I really only care about his production on the field, or the lack thereof. As far as everything else goes… you’re misunderstood, you’re human, you’re not a bad guy. Got it, thanks. Now go score a touchdown.

Posted in: Dickheads, NFL5 comments

July14

Large Benjamin Continues To Be A Large Tool

By: the mighty mjd

Ben Roethlisberger won’t be doing any public service announcements imploring the youth to wear their motorcycle helmets. He was asked about the subject on Good Morning America, and this was his response.

“Some people feel that, you know, I probably should be doing that and being a big advocate for that. But for me, I’m going to let people make their own decisions… So I don’t think you’ll see me doing any kind of billboards or advertisements.”

FREEDOM, BABY, YEAH! That’s great, man, you wouldn’t want to influence any kids on this subject. They should make their own decisions about the controversial issue of whether or not it’s better to have a helmet on when your face goes crashing into pavement. It’s such a toss-up.

I don’t feel like the guy is obligated to do any public service announcements if he doesn’t want to… that’s up to him. But it feels like he’s refusing to acknowledge that it’s even a good idea to have a helmet on. No one’s asking him to go in front of Congress and insist on mandatory helmet laws in every state, but would it kill him to tell the youngsters out there that a helmet was a good idea? Why can’t he do that?

And Ben also had some further explanation of his lack of a helmet on the fateful day.

“I had just gotten my bike all custom done. It was painted up and it was really nice,” he said. “I was supposed to take my helmet that day with me to get painted to match my bike so I could wear it all the time when I rode that bike and I totally forgot it.”

Yeah, Large Benjamin, you can’t wear a helmet if it doesn’t match your bike! How lame would that be? If your helmet isn’t custom painted to match your super-awesome bike, then you can’t wear it all the time. Everyone knows that. Non-matching helmets are for dorks! You know what the most important aspect of motorcycle safety is? Helmet-motorcycle paint scheme continuity. It’s a must.

I’m done with this dickbag. If karma exists, his QB rating will be about 11.2 next year and Ray Lewis will sexually assault him.

Posted in: Dickheads, NFL18 comments

July12

Marco Materazzi Is Not A Nice Man

By: the mighty mjd

This video’s been making the rounds in the last day or so… it gives a little bit of an idea of what Marco Materazzi is all about. Good player… and dirty son of a bitch. Picked this up at The Airing of Grievances, via The Sports Frog…

So there you go. Clearly, not a man that is at all concerned with fair play, or the well-being of his fellow competitors. He has no qualms about attempting to injure a guy, if he thinks it’ll give him an advantage.

In other news, FIFA president Sepp Blatter says that FIFA may step in and take the Golden Ball award away from Zidane… which I think would be absolute garbage. His play was still brilliant, whether or not a dirty player goaded him into a physical attack. If FIFA’s going to do this, I hope they spend some time investigating exactly what it was that provoked the attack. If they’re going to penalize Zidane, something might have to be in store for Materazzi, too.

But I still maintain that Zidane, by doing what he did, let Materazzi win. I know it’s only human nature to respond as he did, but… by doing that, Zidane gave Materazzi exactly what he wanted, he screwed himself, and he cost his team. But I agree with the A of G… it’s amazing that someone, somewhere along the line, hasn’t beaten the guy until he pissed blood.

Posted in: Dickheads, Soccer11 comments

June27

Isiah Thomas Has One Year To Fix The Knicks

By: the mighty mjd

James Dolan is out of his fucking mind. He has sat idly by while Isiah Thomas turned the Knicks from a train wreck into a hijacked Flight 93 crashing into the goddamn Hindenburg which then crashes into the Titanic. He’s watched for two and a half years as Isiah kept pouring gasoline on the fire, and now he’s saying, “Hey, fix this immediately.”

I can’t even process that. In what other industry could this happen? Let’s say you worked as a bank teller. And every day, you came into work, peed on the hood of your boss’s car on your way in from the parking lot, grabbed large stacks of cash and set them on fire, and threw bricks at the face of every customer who walked through the door… would you expect your boss to come to you and say, “Hey, I’m giving you more responsibility, and I’d like you to make us the most successful bank in world history, and I expect you to do this in about a week”? What could Dolan possibly be expecting Thomas to do?

And, of course, the subject of Larry Brown was broached during yesterday’s press conference:

Continuing with Brown was untenable, based on disclosures Dolan made for the first time yesterday, the most dramatic of which was that Brown wanted to waive several players. The group, according to team officials, included Stephon Marbury, Steve Francis, Jerome James, Jalen Rose and Maurice Taylor. Doing so would have cost the Knicks $150 million in salaries, in addition to an equal amount in luxury taxes.

“He knew that wasn’t possible,” Dolan said.

Well, I hate to be the one who has to tell you this, Mr. Dolan, but… any coach would want those players waived. It’s not that Larry just hated them for his own personal reasons… in the case of at least three of those guys, they bring almost nothing to an NBA team, certainly not enough to make up for the negatives that they bring. Seriously, if you have a basketball coach that doesn’t want Marbury, Francis, and Jerome James gone… then you probably don’t have much of a basketball coach. And here’s my favorite part of the article…

According to Dolan, Brown tried to negotiate trades without authorization, violated company policies in using the news media to criticize players and repeatedly defied orders to cease those behaviors.

Dolan cited two instances in which Thomas proposed a trade, only to be told by another general manager, “That’s great, but I got a better offer from your coach.”

So, basically, Larry Brown was calling other teams without the knowledge or blessing of his GM and begging them to take Stephon Marbury. I’d have loved to listen in on some of those conversations, as Larry proposed a deal, and other opposing GM just kept lowering and lowering his offer, Larry agreeing to it every time, and asking, “Hey, you’re still taking Marbury, right?”

But at a certain point, Dolan takes a turn back to the lucid, because he’s right, for salary cap reasons, those players mentioned above can’t just be cut. Which made Dolan think that Larry damn well knew that, and was looking for a way out of the Knicks job by even suggesting it.

So Brown proposed cutting them. Because that, too, would be impossible, Dolan concluded, he said, “that Larry never intended to coach this team beyond this season.”

Dolan added, “What he’s really saying to us is, ‘I’m going to make you fire me.’ “

That, I’ll buy. I’ve got no trouble believing that, despite his public claims, Larry Brown just wanted the Knicks to fire him. It’s not like there’s no precedent for Larry Brown trying to worm his way out of a job, while maintaining the good-guy face to the general public.

There’s just no one that’s likable in this situation.

Posted in: Dickheads, NBA12 comments

June20

The Large Benjamin Aftermath

By: the mighty mjd

The woman whose windshield was attacked by Ben Roethlisberger is getting threatening phone calls from Steelers fans. It’s mentioned in this article without a whole lot of detail. Just that the phone calls have taken place, and that a police report has been filed.

Certainly, not a huge surprise. In fact, I consider it a pretty big upset that it’s been limited to just phone calls. I’d have expected her house to have been vandalized by this point, maybe her car stolen… and I wouldn’t rule out physical assault on a 62-year-old lady, either. She should probably have just moved the second she hit him. If I was in her shoes, I’d have watched Ben bounce off the windshield, gotten out to see if he was alive, backed over him a few times so people would fear me, and then gotten back in my car and headed straight for Seattle, where I’d be given a key to the city, and they’d hold a parade in my honor.

I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t have backed over him. Unless he was in my way.

Anyway, back to the phone calls. What would one of those sound like? I hope this woman somehow recorded them, and they leak onto the internet. I’m envisioning something like this…

“HEY! Hey, you old bag! Do you know what you did? Don’t yinz know anything about Steeler football? You almost killed Ben! BIG BEN! YOU ALMOST KILLED HIM. DON’T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM? He plays for the Steelers, and goddamit, I LOVE THAT MAN.

(brief pause, followed by a sniffle)

He’s so good. And he’s big and he’s strong and he’s tall and he throws that ball hard and he wears nice clothes and he’s SO COOL. I can’t believe what you did to him. YOU HURT MY BIG BEN. I love him so much.

(pauses to sniffle and wipe tears from eyes)

I just don’t know what I’ll do if he’s hurt. I love him… I love him like men love other men. God, I hope he’s okay. They won’t let me into the hospital. Not even just to say that I love him! Can you believe that? I JUST WANT TO TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM I LOVE HIM!

(openly crying at this point)

God, I feel so empty right now, and I swear to God, I’m not gay. I can’t imagine what my Sundays will be like if Ben is hurt. The Steelers will go 6-10, and I won’t want to watch them play, and I’ll have nothing to do but listen to Journey and drink Iron City, and I’ll cry all the time, but I’m not allowed to see my kids anymore, and sometimes my pills don’t work, and BEN MAKES EVERYTHING OKAY. CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?

(fifteen-second pause, another sniffle, attempting to control the sobbing)

Hey, do you think I’m a good person?

(click)

I’LL KILL YOU, YOU FUCKIN’ WHORE!

Posted in: Dickheads, NFL7 comments

June20

Kenyon Martin Almost Has To Be A Knick

By: the mighty mjd

Both Kenyon Martin and George Karl discussed Kenyon Martin’s tenure as a Nugget yesterday, and both of them seem to wish the whole thing never would’ve happened. And Kenyon Martin, even though he’s explaining things on his own behalf, kinda sounds like a pussy here:

Martin: “I was a little perturbed about the situation. I felt I played (hard). I understand the coach being upset we did not close it (out) at the end like we should have. But for a coach to say that was not the thing to say. He might have said it to the press and he definitely said it in the locker room. He said guys weren’t rebounding. He said to Marcus Camby, ‘I can’t wait ’til you get back, big fella.’

“The next day was a day off. The following day we were at practice, a shootaround. George comes over. I told him, ‘I don’t want to talk to you, you know, I don’t rebound the ball. I’m not going to say anything to you.’ I get up and walk over to (then general manager) Kiki (Vande- weghe). George comes over to me again. I said: ‘I don’t want to talk to you. Go talk to Marcus. He’s your rebounder.”‘

Yeah… that’s pretty much straight bitch. I don’t know why you’d want to tell anyone that. I mean, hey, we all have our moments where we act childish and petulant, but… you know, most of us aren’t proud of them. Most of us don’t go into detail about them to a Denver Post reporter. “Yeah, hey, guy with the microphone… wanna hear a story about what a huge pussy I am? Settle in, I’ve got plenty.”

And that’s just one incident. There are plenty more in the article, and I don’t think Kenyon comes off particularly well in any of them. In fact, here’s a quote from an unnamed veteran teammate:

“Kenyon was not playing a lot but was in the locker room encouraging guys to ‘get tough, get ready.’ We were listening and thinking of a guy who was out partying last night, on his feet, but does not practice and play. There is the perception that Kenyon does not want to be a professional. Are you really hurt? Kenyon is obnoxious, ignorant, boisterous.”

I don’t know if Knicks owner Jimmy Dolan reads the Denver Post, but if he does, he’s probably calling the Nuggets right now to offer up the Knicks next 27 first round picks for him. Huge contract? Check. Wildly overrated? Check. Poor attitude? Check. Where’s the downside here? It’s almost as if he was born to be a Knick.

Posted in: Dickheads, NBA1 comments

June19

The Day Everyone Forgot How To Play Golf

By: the mighty mjd

Yesterday’s U.S. Open finish was dramatic. I’ll say that for it. But brilliant shotmaking, it was not. And it doesn’t have anything to do with the course being too hard, or the USGA setting up unfair conditions… it’s about two guys who need to hire caddies who know the Heimlich manuever.

First, let’s congratulate Geoff Ogilvy… nothing should take away from his win, although that’s certainly going to happen. No one’s going to remember it as the Open that Ogilvy won, but they’ll remember it as the Open that Phil Mickelson Van-de-Velded away. But the fact is that Ogilvy played 72 holes in fewer strokes than anyone else, and he kept grinding when it looked like he didn’t have a chance, and it paid off. He deserves this win as much as any golfer has ever deserved a win.

That said… Phil Mickelson is a dumbass. At least, he was yesterday. What he did was no better than what Jean Van de Velde did when he choked away the British Open a few years ago. Van de Velde hit bleachers, a creek, and a bunker en route to a triple bogey on the last day of the British Open, eventually losing in a playoff.

Mickelson was equally dumb yesterday. To be honest with you, it was slightly hard to watch, but I wasn’t that upset about it. I’m not a big Mickelson fan and was a little annoyed at how the New York crowd sucked him off all day. Anyway, Phil hit driver off the tee, a club that had been failing him all day. He nearly drilled a hospitality tent. He didn’t just chip out, take his chances with par, or even a bogey to force a playoff… he had to go for the green, and he pegged a tree. His third shot plugged in a bunker, and he failed to get up and down. Double bogey, game over, tournament lost. For no real reason.

“I still am in shock that I did that. I just can’t believe that I did that,” Mickelson said. “I am such an idiot.”

Well, yeah. No argument from me. At least you know it. Live and learn.

And Mickelson wasn’t the only one. Colin Montgomerie finished in the exact same position, one back of Ogilvy after double-bogeying the 18th. Mickelson’s won recently, and he’ll be there again… Colin Montgomerie doesn’t have any such guarantees. I hated that guy for a long time… eventually, he became irrelevant… and then, after absorbing some pretty harsh abuse from American fans and media, and getting back to his previous form, he became sympathetic. It’s gotten to the point where he’s a friendly old guy, instead of an arrogant, grating prick. I felt bad for the guy. If it can be said that anyone out there deserves a major win, it’s him.

Paddy Harrington, too, screwed the pooch. He tripled-bogeyed 18 to finish two behind Ogilvy. Jim Furyk also bogeyed 18 to finish one back of Ogilvy. Bogeys, I can understand… 18′s a hard hole. But three different guys played that hole needed bogey only to at least force a playoff, and not one of them could come up with it. Maybe they’re all just really missing Earl Woods, I dunno.

Posted in: Dickheads, Golf2 comments

June9

Zach Randolph… Come On, Man

By: the mighty mjd

Oddly enough, he’s not even being charged with a crime here… but there’s still plenty of evidence here that Zach Randolph isn’t someone that you’d want on your basketball team. Or living anywhere within your area code.

A friend of Zach’s was driving Zach’s car, with Zach in the front seat. The driver was racing another car, doing 50-60 mph in a 20 mph zone. He was charged with speed racing, careless driving, failure to obey a traffic signal, and having no front plate. In addition, officers found two handguns in the car… but no one was charged with anything, becauze Zach has a concealed weapons permit. They must give those things to absolutely fucking anyone.

What do you need the guns for? In case you lose the race? If you’re at a point in your life where you feel it’s necessary to carry two handguns with you at all times, then you’ve probably made some poor choices along the way. And if you want to race, Zach, get yourself an XBox and a copy of Gran Turismo.

There may be no hope for this guy. I see him in a Knick uniform very soon.

Posted in: Criminality, Dickheads, NBA7 comments

June9

I Have Somehow Lost Respect For Terrell Owens

By: the mighty mjd

Look at that. Mavs hat, Heat jersey. I think that’s worse than anything Owens ever did to Donovan McNabb, and I’m not kidding. Again… Mavs hat, Heat jersey. At a Mavs vs. Heat game. What kind of a person does that? How completely devoid of character do you have to be?

The statement that Owens is making with his ensemble is something like, “I have no real conviction about anything. The very concept of loyalty confuses me and makes me begin to weep. I will do what is fashionable, and what I believe is cool. I am completely unaware of my surroundings and the basic rules of a normal society… and I just don’t care, because I don’t have to.”

Unless you’re a sibling to a player on one team, and currently having sex with a player on the other team, Laura Quinn-style… then you’re just a complete dickbag. Mavs hat, Heat jersey. Tells you just about everything you need to know about Terrell Owens.

Posted in: Dickheads, NBA, NFL10 comments

May26

Corrupt Italians Who Are Not On The Sopranos

By: the mighty mjd

There’s a scandal going on in the Italian sporting world that makes our Barry Bonds/steroid thing look like an afterschool special about “drugs are bad” or “Jenny eats something.” If this was happening in America, to the NFL… your entire life would’ve changed because of it. ESPN would’ve been in “special report” mode for two straight weeks now, and Bob Ley wouldn’t have been able to leave the air, shower, or shave during that time.

In this SI article, they describe soccer team “Juventus” as the New York Yankees of Italy. And the former own, Luciano Moggi, I suppose would be the Italian Steinbrenner. Anyway, this Moggi character was running an incredible ring of corruption. In fact, I’m fearful that if he reads this post, I’ll wake up with Barbaro’s head in bed next to me.

Anyway, Moggi could evidently decide which refs did which games, which players were selected to the Italian team, and who would and would not be given yellow cards. He had everyone on the take. He’s also accused of “locking up” a referee who didn’t officiate a game the way he was supposed to. Surprise, surprise, Juventus has won the last two titles in Serie A, the top division of Italian soccer.

Imagine if this was the Yankees, and what the coverage of that would be like. Steinbrenner with umps in his pocket, deciding which ones did his games, and kidnapping one of them because they let Jeter get behind in the count. Baseball would never be the same.

An AC Milan player is quoted in the article as saying that he believes the last two seasons should be completely wiped off the books. Really, I don’t know what else they could do. That’s the only reasonable solution… every single thing that’s happened in the last two years is that league is tainted like a Barry Bonds home run hit with Sammy Sosa’s bat at Coors Field with a juiced ball. Asterisks just won’t do here.

Posted in: Dickheads, Soccer9 comments

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