And they’re taking measures to ensure that this happens, replacing Hubie Brown as their lead analyst. And that’s enough right there to know that it’s a bad decision… Hubie Brown is the best game analyst alive, in any sport. There’s no one they could replace him with that would be as good. There is no one. No one.

But the man that is stepping into the role is Mark Jackson, who used to be the analyst on ABC’s studio show, which was one of the worst in all of sports. Last year, it started out with Dan Patrick and Mark Jackson… but it sounded a bit too much like the Delicous Dish skit on National Public Radio, only no one ever came around to talk about their Schwetty Balls, so they had to bring in Mike Wilbon to give it some life.

Hubie Brown, the best to ever do it, is being replaced by the guy who needed Mike Wilbon to come in and keep his show from inducing the entire viewership into a collective coma.

Hubie will take over as the lead analyst on ESPN, which I suppose means that I’ll ultimately see more of Hubie Brown than I would have otherwise. But when the playoffs and the Finals roll around, it’s going to be way less Hubie, and I’m going to miss him.

If you’re looking for an NFL analyst to call out Brett Favre for his poor play… Michael Irvin was your guy last night. Between Tirico, Theismann, Kornheiser, Stuart Scott, Steve Young, Tom Jackson, and Michael Irvin… Irvin was the only guy who would flat out say that Brett Favre is not a real good quarterback right now. Here’s the transcript, following Steve Young making a ton of excuses for Favre’s play:

Irvin: I respect Brett. I’ve watched him play some great games. I’ve played against him a lot of times. But let’s be honest here. First of all, I’m tired of hearing people talk about ‘Well, he’s playing with a lot of young guys.’ Hey man. These guys are in the pros. They will collect checks on Tuesday, no matter what. Second of all, Brett made some bad throws tonight. Bad throws. It wasn’t that his guys were in the wrong place. He made some bad throws, ball in the ground.

Young: Are you saying that I’m covering for him?

Irvin: I don’t know what you’re doing. You’re loving him a little bit too much. I am not violating myself in my job, my obligation is to ESPN.

Young: It’s hard for me to hear a guy who hung out by the Gatorade talk about a quarterback who’s in the hashes every down.

Irvin: I was one of those guys that Brett was hanging out tonight, getting killed. That’s what I’m talking about. He made some bad throws, guys.

And Favre was hanging guys out to dry all night… it seemed like every time Donald Driver attempted to make a catch, his head was getting snapped back by an Eagles safety who had him lined up.

Anyway… that’s as blunt as I’ve ever heard an analyst get on Favre, and there was still room to take it even further. Kudos to The Playmaker.

In case you’re interested, I live-blogged the fuck out of last night’s Saints/Falcons game, and then wrote about Tony Kornheiser’s performance. You can find them both here.

I watched Monday Night Football last night, mainly to check out the debut of the Tirico / Theismann / Kornheiser team. And I liked it, and I’ll get to that in a minute.

But I feel like it’s important to address my one major complaint first, because it’s a big one. If you missed it, ESPN is doing, at several points throughout the game, segements where Kornheiser answers fan e-mails. Accompanying this segement is a looped ’song,’ in which men shout “Tony!” repeatedly.

Please, hear me out on this one, ESPN, I beg of you. For my sake and your sake, lose that fucking song. It has to go. It HAS to go. You can keep the viewer e-mail segments if you feel like you have to, but that song makes me want to put my fist through my television screen and clutch the live wires inside until they electrocute and burn to death every living cell in my body.

It sounds like a local radio commercial jingle that was written by an 80s boy band that hasn’t been able to find work since their lead singer was caught blowing an ice cream truck driver outside of a Toys-R-Us. That’s what it sounds like.

I like Tony Kornheiser, and it’s cool that you have him on Monday Night Football… but he isn’t so cool that he deserves his own one-lyric song that shouts his name over and over again. No one’s that cool. That song is the kind of thing that will make people hate Tony Kornheiser. Burn every recording you have it. It’s not enough to just stop playing it. Gather up every recording of it that exists, put them in a pile, pour gasoline over it, and light them on fire. Do not let anyone else hear that thing ever again, because it is terrible, and it’s going to get Tony Kornheiser killed.

Anyway… about the rest of the show.

It’s probably too rare that I compliment television broadcast teams, and I’m not sure if it’s that they’re all bad, or if it’s because I’m such a snide prick, but… I don’t have nice things to say about too many people that call games. But, after watching the predictably ugly Vikings/Raiders preseason game last night, I really think ESPN’s on the right track with the team they’ve assembled.

I like Mike Tirico about 47,000% more than I like Al Michaels. And Joe Theismann, I know a lot of you aren’t big fans, and I really haven’t been, either, but he’s a different guy without Paul Maguire around. Theismann actually has his moments where he’s insightful and pleasant, but they were extremely few and far between when he had to sit next to Paul Maguire, who might as well have been wearing a rodeo clown outfit. Theismann’s still a little too afraid to say a bad word about anyone, but I can think of guys who are a lot worse.

And Kornheiser was pretty good last night (here’s a recap, if you’re looking for one). Considering that it was his first stab at it, I’d bump his grade up to exceptional. The big thing with him is that he’s not going to pretend to be something he’s not. Last night, he asked Theismann what a “silent count” was, because he had no idea. I’d think that anyone who watches football with any level of seriousness would be familiar with the silent count, but he wasn’t. And he wasn’t afraid to let people know that, and I think that’s good. It would be easy for someone in that position to just try and fake some deep football knowledge, and I hope he never succumbs to that. I just want him to play his role, do what he does, and things will be fine.

Even Suzy Kolber was on top of her game last night, comparing Al Davis to Fidel Castro. I think she just meant that they’ve both been around forever and have no intention of going away willingly, but I’d like to think she was also implying that they’re both evil, murderous, lowlifes who will burn in hell.

When you watch a sporting event on ABC from now, it’s no longer being presented to you by “ABC Sports.” In fact, that no longer exists. ESPN has swallowed them whole, and any sporting event that appears on ABC from now on, is being brought to you by “ESPN on ABC.” The Little League World Series will be the last event eler televised by ABC Sports.

Gone is the organization that brought you “The Wide World of Sports,” in favor of more from the organization that brought you “Bonds on Bonds.” Actually, I suppose it doesn’t ultimately make any difference to me. ESPN is probably omnipresent enough in my life right now, but what are you going to do? It’s not like I can just stop patronizing ESPN. They’ve got their hooks in me.

Richard Sandomir of the New York Times has done his best to find some teeth-gnashing and hand-wringing about the event, quoting NBC’s Dick Ebersol as saying that his heart weeps for Roone Aldredge’s legacy. Keith Jackson and Dan Dierdorf were also a little bit pissed, mainly about people’s legacies, about which, to be perfectly honest with you, I could not possibly care less.

ABC’s been using ESPN commentators and graphics for a long time now, and I don’t think much actual presentation is going to change. Really, the move is purely masturbatory on the part of ESPN. George Bodenheimer, president of ESPN, had some kind of a line about this enabling ABC and ESPN to better serve fans, but you’ll have to forgive me if I’m a little bit skeptical about his altruism. All the move really does is put get the ESPN brand a little more exposure, which they probably think is going to help them sell some cell phones.

Jason Whitlock, a columnist I like, is calling for David Stern to hit Mark Cuban with a 13-day banishment from NBA arenas, and a season-long ban if it continues. I’ll attempt to sum up his argument as best I can: Cuban’s antics set the tone for fan complaining, which led to things being thrown on the floor in Dallas, David Stern getting booed while handing the trophy to the Heat, and a general sense of discontent among all sports fans at the perception of bad officiating in the Finals.

I don’t even know if David Stern could do this if he wanted to. Mark Cuban owns the Dallas Mavericks, he owns the building where they play their home games, and Stern can keep him out of there? I dunno about that. I don’t think David Stern can anymore ban Cuban from attending Mavs games then he could ban me from dry humping my Maria Sharapova chest pillow.

And why would he want to? I know it might not be the best thing for the NBA to have object hurled onto the floor in Dallas, and it might not be the best thing to have the NBA Finals trophy presentation booed… but these things happened in the NBA before Mark Cuban bought a team, and they’ll continue to happen after he’s gone. Am I to believe the fans wouldn’t have noticed the bad calls if Mark Cuban hadn’t been there to point them out? Come on.

And I don’t even mind Cuban’s bitching. When most of us bitch, we do it just to bitch. But Mark Cuban’s presence may actually lead to better officiating in the NBA. He’s got the time, resources, and desire to keep track of different trends and different officials, and he’ll get it to the NBA and get them to look at it. Whether or not that will someday result in any significant change, I can’t be sure, but at the end of the day, both Mark Cuban and David Stern want better officiating in the NBA. Hell, they both want the NBA to improve in a ton of different ways.

Officiating bitching and incitement not withstanding, even if you agree 100% with Whitlock on those points, let’s think bigger picture. Mark Cuban is absolutely fantastic for the Mavericks, and thus, for the NBA. If he doesn’t buy that team, the Mavericks don’t have a Western Conference championship, they don’t have one of the game’s best young coaches, they probably don’t have nearly as talented a roster, they don’t have the most innovative marketing in the league, they don’t have one of the most passionate fanbases in the league, and the NBA is probably short one excellent team and franchise.

So yeah, I think it would be a pretty bad idea to ban him from arenas. And even if that happened, it’s not like he wouldn’t have a voice anymore. I’m pretty sure he’d find a way to be heard. The only way I’d support an arena ban of Mark Cuban by the NBA would be if he started showing up to games in a speedo and a gold chain. Until then, Mark Cuban is a resource that the league should treasure.

I’m just wondering if maybe the NHL gets a little too much media attention. This probaly isn’t going to be popular, but… I think it’s a legitimate question to ask. Everyone knows how bad hockey’s TV ratings have been. I’m not trying to twist that knife, but… given the general disinterest of the general populace towards hockey, perhaps ESPN and other sports media outlets are giving it a little bit too much attention.

Game Seven led SportsCenter… and ESPN.com did one of those special half-page graphics for it. It was the big story of the day, and while it doesn’t quite get the same SportsCenter treatment as the Super Bowl, World Series, or NBA Finals… it’s not that far below. Is that as it should be? I don’t know what the Game 7 ratings were, but… Game Six of a very competitive series got an embarrassing 1.2. That’s like a UPN number. No need to rehash all the individual ratings, but hey, Game 7 notwithstanding, they’re turtle’s dick low.

I’m just wondering if, for example, Arena Football fans get pissed off when the NHL leads SportsCenter, while Arena Football brings in better TV ratings. On the surface at least, they’d seem to have a point… as would fans of the WNBA or women’s college softball. Maybe the TV ratings aren’t the end-all, be-all…and maybe there’s something to be said for the intensely loyal nature of hockey fans. But I still think it’s fair to at least ask if maybe ESPN should move it down the list a little bit.

ESPN is starting to slip a little bit on their attention to detail. Yesterday on PTI, Kornheiser and Wilbon were talking about how Kobe Bryant will be doing an advice column in the LA Times. They talked about it, made some jokes, and Tony did say, “We don’t know if this is true or not,” but they were treating it very seriously.

Well, Tony, I know if it’s true or not. I 100% sure that it’s not true. How do I know this? Because the person who wrote the thing also wrote just below it “This was a joke.” That’s what tipped me off. I lack the resources of the ESPN research department, but I was able, through some of my own determination and sluething skills, to determine that this was not true.

Worldwide Leader, huh? In what, not being able to read? I understand that people make mistakes, and I’ve done some dumb things here, but… hey, I’m not ESPN. That’s a big one. And it’s not really that someone fooled them, either. The person at LakersTalk.net, where ESPN picked the story up, was just fucking around. It was not an attempt to pull a fast one. He was making a joke. It’s been up on the site for 7 days, and for six of those days, it has said, “This was a joke” directly underneath it. And ESPN just got to it yesterday.

Maybe it shouldn’t be, but it’s just so hard for me to believe that ESPN bit on this. Just completely asleep at the wheel in Bristol. I’m sure that the LakersTalk.net person expected only a few chuckles from his/her own readers, and that was it. It must’ve been a hell of a shock to see it on ESPN a few days later. I’m expecting a PTI bit next week about how Flip Saunders owns a turtle that’s capable of writing letters sometime next week.

The biggest portion of the latest offering from George Solomon is all about defending Dick Vitale, while not really mentioning any specific complaint. The rest of the column is about Colin Cowherd’s theft, ESPN’s involvement with Barry Bonds, etc… but the biggest part of it seems to just be, “Hey, leave Dick Vitale the fuck alone, alright?” The Ombudsman’s inbox must be about 45% Vitale hatred.

But, just for the record, the Ombudsman is OK with Vitale, and… while I do kinda loathe seeing the man on TV, I was thinking today… you know, it wouldn’t be right to rail against Dick Vitale and not say anything about any number of other sucky ESPN college basketball commentators… Digger Phelps and Steve Lavin, for instance.

Phelps in particular… the next time he says something that truly helps me learn about basketball will be the first time. He, like Lavin, was hired as a commentator, and then stopped thinking like a coach and started thinking like a TV person. I hate that. Now, Rick Majerus, say what you want about the man… but he gives you all he knows. He may fuck up someone’s name, he may have some odd little peccadillos, but… if there’s something he can share with you, he does, if he thinks you’re going to understand it or not. Steve Lavin just wants to say “apple turnovers” and remind you that he used to coach UCLA.

My point is just that… you know, Dick Vitale is louder than anyone else, but I don’t think he’s necessarily worse. His passion for the game is real… that’s not a small thing. When’s the last time you saw Digger Phelps get passionate about anything that wasn’t a highlighter? I don’t intend to compliment Vitale, necessarily, but… I just think we should remember to skewer some others along with him. It’s only fair.

ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd went on the air last night and read, almost verbatim, a post that had appeared on a blog called the M Zone, a quality sports blog focusing on Michigan in particular and college sports in general. The post was a spoof of the Wonderlic test that kinda pokes fun at some people in college football.

I’ve never heard the show before… I’d never heard of Colin Cowherd before. But just because someone e-mails you something, doesn’t make it your intellectual property. If you use someone else’s material, just acknowledge it. That’s it. It wouldn’t have been any less funny on the show if they said, “Hey, we picked this up at The M Zone.” Someone else wrote it. Someone else worked at it. You can’t have it just because you like it.

Anyway… I’d imagine the story is working out quite well for the folks at The M Zone right now. It’s become kind of a popular thing… people love reasons to make fun of ESPN, and this is a pretty big one. Hits at The M Zone have gotta be waaaay up today. Moreso than they would have been if Cowherd had simply mentioned them on the air. So congrats to them.

This is what the NCAA Women’s Basketball Tournament Selection Show would’ve been like if Trey Wingo were more like Andrew Dice Clay. Actual comments are in back. Trey Wingo’s comments, if he were more like Andrew Dice Clay, are in red.

Trey Wingo: Well, this is where all decisions are made, the NCAA selection headquarters in Indianapolis. And look at that fucking room. 30 women, one hairstyle. It’s like a girls’ gym teacher convention.

Stacey Dales-Schuman: I’m just happy that you, Trey Wingo, have joined women’s college basketball. No NFL right now.
Trey Wingo: I’m delighted to be here, but let me tell you something, sweetheart. If there was an NFL game today, believe me, I wouldn’t be sitting here talking about women’s fucking basketball. I’d plant my ass in front of a TV, drink a case of beer, root for someone to get injured, and then go fuck my wife before I passed out.

Trey Wingo: Listen, understand. ESPN has their arms completely around this event. Every single game of the tournament will be seen on the ESPN family of networks, which is great news if you’re a woman or a homo. Lifetime and Oxygen are in real fucking trouble this week, aren’t they?

Stacey Dales-Schuman: Check out Purdue. Cherelle George, suspended before the Big 10 tournament for academic reasons. We don’t know if she’s going to play.
Trey Wingo: What, did she fail Home Ec? Here’s your midterm, sweetheart. Do my fucking laundry and polish my knob. There, you get an A. Run along and play some basketball.

Trey Wingo: And then you have Tennessee, hey listen, the committee has always said go play a tough schedule and you’ll be rewarded. Was Tennessee rewarded or punished for that? And what’s their reward going to be, a new pants suit for the coach? Get the fuck outta here.

Stacey Dales-Schuman: I think what happened here was that Tennessee’s left cheek got smacked and then their right cheek got smacked.
Trey Wingo: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on there, sweetheart. That’s the Diceman’s territory there. You want me to slap some asses, bring ‘em right here, bend ‘em over my knee, and I’ll paddle their flat little asses with my prick, OH!

Kara Lawson: How about the Kentucky women getting a higher seed than the Kentucky men? The ladies are rulin’ the roost in Lexington.
Trey Wingo: Wait a second, bitch. No one’s rulin’ anybody’s roost, cuz I’m about to put my cock in the henhouse right now. If the ladies at Kentucky want to rule the roost, they can play the men 5-on-5, and see how that goes. Loser has to toss my salad. Whaddaya say, bitch?

Trey Wingo: Vivian, before we let you go, we have to ask you, you were at Temple when John Chaney was there, so hey… you ever blow Bill Cosby?

Vivian Stringer: (John Chaney) touched my life in a very personal way and–
Trey Wingo: Oh, I bet he did, ya fuckin’ whore.

Trey Wingo: You want numbers? I got your numbers. How about 24 points and 26 rebounds… and 12 inches I’d like to shove down her fuckin’ throat, OH!

Trey Wingo: When we return, we will talk to the head of the selection committee and ask them: How the fuck can anyone stand to watch women’s basketball?

Al Michaels has signed on to be the play-by-play guy for Monday Night Football on ESPN. Various reports have him reconsidering and trying to get out of his contract, so that he can be a part of NBC’s Sunday Night Football game. And if he does manage to weasel his way over to NBC… prepare for Tony Kornheiser.

ESPN would, according to today’s New York Post, opt for a 3-man booth of Mike Tirico, Joe Theisman, and Tony Kornheiser. Or, Mike Tirico and two guys who would gladly pay to give Joe Gibbs a reacharound.

I like Tony Kornheiser. I think he’s a funny, well-informed, interesting personality. But he’s not, you know… a football expert. That’s kinda what I would prefer. I’m funny like that… I want guys who really know football to be the ones talking about football on television. It’s just a weird little quirk of mine.

But if we’re giving up on the idea of anyone actually providing expert in-depth commentary, and clearly, we are… then sure, I’ll take Kornheiser. It’s certainly a step up from Rush Limbaugh and Dennis Miller, but it’s a step in that same “entertainment in lieu of analysis” direction. But at least they’re not making offers to Ray Romano or something.