Archive for the ‘Featured’ Category

It couldn’t have gone better for us, either. You might call it controversial. I call it ideal.

That fight could have ended in one of two ways:

1) Floyd’s gasp-worthy sucker punch combo lands, Ortiz gets K’d the F O, Mayweather becomes one of the most reviled wangbags in sports history, then engages in one of the greatest ever interviews with Larry Merchant; or …

2) Floyd methodically beats up Victor Ortiz, thoroughly and non-violently, over 12 long rounds.

We got the long end of the stick here. We saw enough of the fight to know, clearly, that Mayweather was the better fighter, and that’s the key ingredient to a satisfying outcome, right? You want to know who was best? We got that. And then, as a special bonus, it turned into one of the most entertaining scenes you’ll ever see in sports, and high-quality conversation fodder that will last for weeks.

We won in this deal. For once, a boxing PPV was worth double what it cost.

As for Ortiz, he was the most fortunate man in the MGM Grand last night. He wanted a way out of that fight, and he got it. He knew he couldn’t win. I think that’s what the blatant, indefensible headbutt was all about.

And then, Ortiz gets done with his guard down, and he becomes a folk hero. He’s a rallying point for every Money May-hater out there. If none of that craziness happens, he’s just another guy who got his ass whooped by Floyd Mayweather, but now, he’s some kind of victim, he’s the “everything that’s right with sports” to Floyd’s “everything that’s wrong”, he’s paid, and he might even be in line for a rematch and another payday.

There was a reason he didn’t get mad at how the fight ended. He knew exactly what was happening to him. He didn’t feel robbed, and he didn’t feel cheated.

The only thing that would’ve been better for his career was a win. But that was never an option.

As for fair or unfair in regards to the punches themselves, I don’t care a great deal. All the obvious things are true: It was unsportsmanlike, it was legal, it is Ortiz’s responsibility to protect himself at all times. It was weird, but it happened. If it had gotten in the way of us knowing who was the better fighter, maybe I’d be more upset about it. But we know.

Also, a note to Larry Merchant: Well-played, my man. I think Merchant was right that Floyd knew a Pacquiao question was coming next, and he went into some theatrics to duck it. I think Merchant, with a bit of a wink, dove into the theatrics with Floyd and gave us the “If I was 50 years younger, I’d kick your ass” line. It was brilliant.

We don’t get a chance to say this very often, but DAMN GOOD SHOW, BOXING.

(I thank you for not updating your bookmarks or RSS reader.)

WIENER WIENER WIENERIs it silly and pointless to discuss the title of “best athlete in the world”? Yeah, it is. But I will say this: If someone put a gun to my head and forced me to name the best athlete in the world, I’d say Brock Lesnar’s name about 30 times before it ever occurred to me to mention someone else.

Last night, he arm-triangled the life out of Shane Carwin, who was supposed to be the guy, finally, who Lesnar couldn’t push around. He was as big as Lesnar, hit as hard as Lesnar, and like Lesnar, had an outstanding wrestling pedigree. By a wide margin, he was also the more experienced fighter, having worked his way up from the smaller promotions and came into the fight with a sparkling 12-0 record.

And Lesnar beat him. With a freakin’ arm triangle, of all things.

But last night’s fight isn’t what I want to talk about. Lesnar the MMA fighter isn’t even what I want to talk about. Lesnar the phenomenon, Lesnar the baddest man on the planet, Lesnar the insane athlete you really should make an effort to watch because guys like this don’t come around very often … that’s what I want to talk about.

Let’s take a step back, and big picture, look at everything this guy has done athletically.

At the end of his high school wrestilng career, he didn’t get a single scholarship offer. So he took the Junior College route. As a freshman, he was an All-American. As a sophomore, he was national champion.

I’m thinking someone should’ve probably given him a scholarship.

From there, the Minnesota Golden Gophers did bring him in, but how would Lesnar do against D-1 competition, particularly in the powerful Big 10? As a junior, he was runner-up for the National Championship. As a senior, he won it.

Again: No scholarship offers out of high school.

After college, he got into pro wrestling, which is a damn shame, because it took a massive toll on his body, and that time could’ve been spent doing something else truly amazing. Fortunately, though, the WWE career only lasted three years. Lesnar quit because he felt like he wanted to play in the NFL, despite the fact that he hadn’t played a down of football since high school.

Let’s pause and think about that for a second. To start with, playing defensive line in the NFL pretty much requires you to be one of the chosen few genetic lottery winners on earth. On top of that, all the other genetic freaks out there have been working non-stop for the last seven years on their technique, and their knowledge of the minute details of the game, while Lesnar was … I don’t know, powerbombing John Cena.

Do you know anyone who could quit their job right now, and go have a reasonable chance of making an NFL roster? Can you even think of any pro athletes who could leave their sport and make an NFL team? No names are coming to my mind, and if there were, they’d also be guys who belonged in the conversation for “best athlete in the world.”

Lesnar came up just short of the NFL. He was one of the last cuts for the Vikings, and afterwards, they asked him to go the NFL Europe, get some seasoning, and then come back and try to make the team again.

That he even got close to the league is silly. Pro football is the chosen sport for the world’s best big-man athletes, and only the best of the best ever get close to the NFL. Lesnar damn near made it, pretty much on a whim, and probably would have gotten there if he’d have been willing to spend a year in Europe, away from his family.

Instead, he chose MMA and despite once again having zero experience and going against guys who have been doing it their whole lives, he very promptly became the World Heavyweight Champion.

He lost one fight — his first in the UFC — and since then, has owned the heavyweight division. He beat up workhorse veteran Heath Herring, took the title from legend Randy Couture, and avenged his loss to Frank Mir.

Which brings us back to last night’s Carwin fight. Lesnar hadn’t fought in a year due to a serious illness, and in his first fight back, he beat Carwin, who had mowed through everyone else in the division. And not only did Lesnar beat him, he answered two questions everyone still had about him: What would happen when he faced some adversity in a fight, and could he win with skill, as opposed to just sheer size and athleticism?

It wasn’t the prettiest win you’ll ever see, but it was still an amazing performance. If not because of who he beat, how he beat him, or what he overcome to get there, then because it was still just his sixth professional fight. He’s still a relative babe in MMA, and right now, there’s not a heavyweight out there who can touch him.

What Lesnar is doing is sick. It doesn’t make sense.

What he did in college — going from zero scholarship offers to national champion — was sick and didn’t make sense. That he stepped right out of the world of piledrivers and boston crabs and nearly made an NFL roster — that didn’t make sense, either. That he got into MMA in 2007, was the world champion in 2008, and is the baddest man on the planet today, again, doesn’t make one damn bit of sense. These are not things that normal human beings can do.

Brock Lesnar is a special athlete. I don’t know if the general public will ever recognize him as such, because he’s an ex-pro wrestler in a sport that’s still on the periphery of the mainstream and still misunderstood by many. I don’t know if there’s anything he can do about that.

All I can tell you is that when I watch Lesnar, it feels like I’m watching something special — like I’m watching one of these athletes that doesn’t come around very often. The guy that comes to mind the most when I try to think of someone to whom I can compare Lesnar is Bo Jackson. I felt like Bo had the natural ability to be great at damn near anything. He was a rare and special guy, even when standing alongside the best athletes in the world. I get that same feeling when watching Lesnar.

WOOF.Joey Porter is accused of punching Cincinnati Bengals tackle Levi Jones near a blackjack table in Vegas’s Palms Casino. themightymjd.com has obtained security footage of the fight, and we present to you here the transcript.

Levi Jones: Congratulations on that contract you signed with the Dolphins, Joey. I’m sure the Dolphins will turn it around real soon.

Joey Porter: Whatchyou mean, WILL turn it around? Motherfucker, the Dolphins turned it around the second my pen hit that contract. Joey Porter turnd that bitch around RIGHT NOW just by showin’ up.

Levi Jones: Sorry man, I was just… I’m sorry, okay? Let’s play some blackjack.

Joey Porter: No, I tell YOU when we play some blackjack. I tell EVERYBODY when to play blackjack.

Random Guy (to dealer): Seventeen? I think I’ll stay.

Joey Porter: NO, I DON’T THINK YOU WILL. (Porter grabs the man by the shirt, lifts him off his stool, and kicks him in the rearend.) NO, I think you gonna GO, OLD MAN. Go on, get on outta here. Go wash my car, motherfucker. It’s the black and gold Hummer H2 with the license plate that says, “K2ISAFAG.”

Random Guy: It’s black and gold? I thought you played for the Dolphins now. Aren’t those the Steelers’ colors?

Joey Porter: No no no… Them’s JOEY PORTER’S COLORS. When I left, the Steelers changed their color to PINK. VAGINA PINK. The Dolphins wear black and gold now, and the Steelers jerseys are the color of your wife’s pussy. In fact, where is that bitch? I’m takin’ her to Sherwin-Williams right now, put her coochie on that machine, and Sherwin’s gonna match that color exactly. That’s what the Steelers is gonna wear next year.

Random Guy: Listen, I’ll wash your car if you promise not to kill me, but… I’m sorry, I can’t let you take my wife to Sherwin-Williams so they can color-match her vagina.

Joey Porter: FINE. Then they GONNA COLOR-MATCH LEVI JONES’ VAGINA (Porter kicks the air).

Levi Jones: Joey, come on, man. Calm down. If you want to stay here and insinuate that I have female genitalia, fine. But leave that old man alone, okay?

Joey Porter: Leave him alone? Don’t EVEN come at me with that shit. You think Jerramy Stevens left Joey Porter alone before Super Bowl XL? HELL NAH. But I went out there and busted some motherfucking asses anyway. Don’t NOBODY leave Joey Porter alone, everybody ALWAYS HATIN’. But I’m champion anyway. ALL Y’ALL DO IS HATE. WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!

Levi Jones: Here he goes with the fucking barking…

Joey Porter: WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!

Random Guy: How long is he going to be doing this?

Levi Jones: Sixty minutes. Maybe more.

Dealer: Do you think it’s okay if we play blackjack now? I’m going to get fired if I don’t deal.

Joey Porter: WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!

Levi Jones: You probably shouldn’t.

Dealer: Can’t you do something? Calm him down, maybe?

Levi Jones: Joey. Hey, Joey, listen. Joey? (taps Porter’s shoulder)

Joey Porter: I’MMA SOCK YOU IN YO’ MOTHERFUCKIN’ EYE. (Porter then socks Levi Jones in his motherfucking eye.)

Levi Jones: (rubbing his eye) God DAMMIT, this gets old.

Joey Porter: Don’t you NEVER disrespect Joey Porter’s shoulder. YOU AIN’T WON NO SUPER BOWL. I’m a WORLD CHAMPION, and you ain’t nothin’ but a mark-ass, playa-hatin’, dog food eatin’, tiger-stripe wearing tub of GOAT SHIT.

Dealer: Man, he’s changed since he won a Super Bowl.

Joey Porter: You got that wrong, white man. I didn’t win the Super Bowl, the SUPER BOWL WON JOEY PORTER. The Super Bowl was LUCKY ENOUGH to have #55 grab that cheap-ass chrome trophy. I use that motherfucker as a HOOD ORNAMENT. I clean my GUTTERS with it. I got a female pitbull that uses that big silver bitch as a dildo, and the ghost of Vince Lombardi SMILES EVERY GODDAMN TIME IT HAPPENS.

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