And I, for one, am fucking psyched about it. I know that there are those out there who have their issues with Bill Simmons, but I feel like he’s as observant, and certainly as funny, as sports fans come. And he’ll only be slightly newer to the EPL than me, so in a way, we’ll be doing this together. From his mailbag column last Friday…

Thanks to everyone who e-mailed suggestions for my new English Premier League soccer team that I haven’t picked yet. Out of any challenge that I’ve ever thrown out to the readers, I can’t remember getting a more passionate, entertaining and informative batch of e-mails. If anything, I’m even more dedicated to making the leap now. And this isn’t going to be a half-assed thing, either. I’ll be buying the merchandise, TiVo-ing the games, traveling to see a couple home games, throwing myself into the team … I’m going all out. Obviously I’m not a huge soccer fan, but I’m a huge sports fan and it’s becoming clearer and clearer that I missed the boat with the English Premier League and UEFA. Better late than never.

Couldn’t agree more… I still maintain my belief that more people could/would be soccer fans if they give it a legitimate chance (which involves more than watching one or two games), and I’m somewhat regretful that I didn’t do it sooner. But I’m glad that Simmons is hopping on the bandwagon.

And I’m sort of in the same boat as he is, on the favorite team issue. It’ll be interesting to see where he goes. I watched a season of EPL last year, and I still don’t have a favorite club. I don’t even know if that’s the sort of thing you can choose, or something you just have to wait and let happen on its own. I was kind of leaning towards Manchester City, because that’s where Claudio Reyna played, and because I like their uniforms.

But that’s the problem with the EPL… there are only a handful of teams who can win the thing, and if I started cheering for Manchester United or Chelsea, I’d feel like a front-running prick. Liverpool’s also right there, with Arsenal and Tottenham not far behind. But after that (and I’ll admit that I don’t have the greatest understanding of this yet, so feel free to correct me) I don’t think there are too many teams that can hope to finish in the Top 4. Newcastle has kind of a high profile, I think. But after that, no one else is a real threat to compete for a league title. It’s like there’s a handful of teams, and then the NFC North.

So I could root for Man City, but really, the best I can hope for is an upset or two of Man United, and perhaps a UEFA Cup qualification. So I don’t know what to do. It’s not like the NFL, where there’s hope that sometime in the near future, they could rise up and be good. And I’m not saying that I can’t ever root for a bad team, because I have plenty of experience with that, but… it would be nice if they at least had a chance to compete at some point in the reasonably near future.

So I dunno what to do. I think teams like Tottenham (another team I’m leaning towards), Liverpool, and Newcastle are still in play. I’m ruling out Manchester United and Chelsea, because they’re too powerful, and I kind of hate them anyway. Manchester City and Tottenham are my leaders in the clubhouse. And I think West Ham’s got an outside shot, because of the movie “Green Street Hooligans” (a very underrated film that I really loved, except for the first and last five minutes of it) and the “Forever Blowing Bubbles” song, which is awesome.

I felt about the Zidane incident kinda how I felt about Ron Artest going into the stands… sometimes, no matter how bad something is, the right thing to do is just sit and take it for the time being. However… according to some lip readers, Italian Marco Materazzi called Zidane a “son of a terrorist whore.”

Well, that’s just not a very nice thing to say. In fact, it’s the most vicious trash talk I’ve ever heard of. And before we get to Zidane’s reaction, first I’ve got to sort of begrudgingly tip my cap to Materazzi. I mean, it’s a terrible thing to say, and he’s a vile son of a bitch for saying it, but when the goal is to get under a guy’s skin, well… hats off. You’re going all the way on that one, all morals be damned. Your committment to your ideals can’t be questioned, and you really can’t do much better than that. And it has the added bonus of making me no longer feel bad for any messed-up thing I’ve used to heckle a player.

Oh, and for good measure, Materazzi also called Zidane a “negro,” which is about the Italian equivalent of calling someone the n-word. Nice touch, cocksucker.

As for Zidane, who’s mother is Algerian (and also quite ill at the moment)… I mean, the head butt is understandable, but… you still can’t do it. In a way, it sounds crazy, but in that situation, with his teammates depending on him, the right thing to do is just take it and not respond. I’m not saying that’s what I would’ve done, and I’m not saying that it would’ve been easy, but… if he doesn’t respond at all, he stays in the game, he gives France a better shot to win, and he doesn’t tarnish his legacy. If he responds with a head butt to the chest, he gets tossed, everyone in the world calls him a dirty bastard, and he may have cost France at a shot at a World Cup. And he can always hunt down Materazzi a week later and beat him to death on his own time.

Son of a terrorist whore. That’s messed up.

Yesterday, during extra time of Italy’s World Cup victory over France, Zinedine Zidane became the first player ever, at least to my knowledge, to end his career by ramming his cranium into a sweaty Italian chest. In fact, I’m not sure that I’ve ever seen anyone try that manuever… maybe once or twice in movies that feature either Jean-Claude Van Damme, or a lot of redneck bar fights. In case you missed it…

That’s going out with a blaze of… well, “glory” isn’t the right word. “Artest” seems to fit much better. Can someone go out in a blaze of Artest? I dunno. If it’s possible, Zidane just did it. I mean, he might’ve been provoked, frustrated, whatever… but the fact of the matter is that he was unable to control himself, and it cost his team dearly. It wouldn’t be fair to say he cost his team a World Cup, but he certainly hurt their chances to win one. Inexcusable. Brilliant career, brilliant player, and that shouldn’t be the lasting image of his career, but… on the biggest possible stage, at the worst possible time, he just lost it. Sorry Z. That’s the way it goes sometimes.

Anyway, congratulations to Italy… I suppose. I didn’t see a minute of the game live, unfortunately. But I just watched the replay… not a particularly attractive game. I couldn’t describe it as a well-played game, there seemed to be some nerves and some sloppiness, but… that’s how Italy’s gotten here. They’ve trudged along, playing their unsightly defense, getting some balanced scoring, and haven’t done anything to make themselves particularly liked by anyone. Kinda reminds me of the ’04 Pistons, actually. They won with defense, were criticized for not joga-ing bonita, had a balanced offense, and no one outside of their home area liked them, either.

So now that the whole thing’s over, FIFA should spend all of their time and resources trying to figure out a way to get flopping and diving out of the game before the next World Cup. It’s a complete enjoyment killer. All sports have their problems, but I don’t think any sport is plagued by any single game-related issue as much as soccer is plagued by diving. It’s gotta go… I wouldn’t be opposed to some sort of a video replay thing… not to be used during the game necessarily, but afterwards, officials could review the tapes and any obvious, blatant dive could get a one-game ban. Might seem harsh, but I think the problem’s that big. Or, we could also just ban Italy and Portugal from playing.

I’m sure there are other suggestions out there that are better, so feel free to share.

Remember a while ago I mentioned a crazy scandal in Italian soccer, where a team’s owner was accused of fixing matches, having referees in his pocket, and basically, having bought off everyone involved in Italian football… well, today, it got weirder.

Juventus’s new manager, Gianluca Pessotto, threw himself out of a second-story window in an apparent suicide attempt. He was clutching a rosary at the time. It did not cushion the blow.

The attempt failed, by the way. He took a 50-foot drop and bounced off one car and onto another. Jorge Larrionda witnessed the man’s leap from the window, and immediately issued Pablo Mastroeni a red card. A Juventus team spokesman says Pessotto sustained multiple fractures, but nothing life threatening. I dunno if 50-feet comprises a real suicide attempt… this may have just been a cry-for-help situation. But police are investigating it as a suicide.

Soccer experts are calling it the third or fouth most dramatic dive taken by an Italian soccer personality over the course of the past week. Wait… was that uncool? Yeah, it’s probably not okay to joke about this. The guy did try to kill himself. Sorry.

MLS officials and fans have their Umbros in a knot over some recent comments from USA soccer coach Bruce Arena. After the tournament, Arena suggested that the American team could benefit from having more players get some experience playing in Europe. Here’s his quote:

“And the way for us to get our players to get better is: We do need to get more of our younger talented players in Europe. We need them in a year-round soccer environment. We need them playing in more intense games to help develop them mentally, as well as soccerwise.”

Well, hey… I’m sorry if the MLS people are offended, but Arena is absolutely right. I just can’t believe that there’s anyone out there who feels that the MLS prepares players as well as the EPL or German Budesliga, or Italian Serie A… that’s just insane. Being proud of the MLS is one thing. A complete shunning of reality is quite another.

Hey, I like the MLS, too, and I think it’s getting better all the time. I think it will continue to grow, expand, and attract better players. But right now… it’s a joke to think the MLS can prepare players as well as the Premiership can. The level of play in Europe is higher. The pressure is greater. And if we keep denying that, and we don’t teach our players to succeed in that situation, we’re going to end up with a team of Landan Donovans. Which is probably not be a good thing.

Among the people who are mad are MLS commissioner Don Garber, who called Arena’s comments “ridiculous,” and ESPN analyst Eric Wynalda, who believes that the players Arena was provided with were just fine. I think Wynalda’s been the lone bright spot for ESPN’s coverage of this thing, but… he can’t even believe what he says. I think he’s letting his American pride cloud his thinking here.

And Arena didn’t even take a shot at MLS, did he? The fact of the matter is that the best soccer in the world is played in Europe, and it would be beneficial for us to have more players playing over there. How that offends an MLS loyalist, I don’t even know. It would be like me getting upset if someone failed to mention my site as the greatest contribution to literature in the history of the world.