I know ESPN’s excited about the coming out of John Amaechi, but I think their new “All headlines should be gay in nature” policy goes a little too far.
Archive for the ‘Things That Aren’t Sports’ Category
February11
NASCAR’s Made Some Changes, I See…
And what an honor that is for Matthew McConaughey. “We Are Marshall” comes out this weekend, and I’m just wondering if any of you have worked up a burning desire to see it … because I really can’t. I’m a McConaughey fan … I loved his work in Dazed and Confused, and obviously, like we all were, I was a huge fan of “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” And I really loved him in … well, I’m sure he’s been in other movies.
Anyone have any reason to believe that this won’t be exactly like every other paint-by-number sports movie that’s been made over the past few years, that’s sort of decent, but nothing terribly special? I want to like it, I want to be excited about it … I’m just not sure I can buy McConaughey as someone who can carry a movie, I don’t know who Matthew Fox is, and from all the trailers and commercial I’ve seen already … I kinda want to punch Chris Griffin in the face.
Anyway, here’s a scene from the movie that was shown on the scoreboard at a Marshall game, recorded with surprising quality. In fact, this appears to be one of the climactic scenes of the movie. Why they’re giving this one away, I’m not sure, but if you’re so inclined, here it is:
November10
The Things That Killed Pat Tillman
With Pat Tillman’s 30th birthday coming on Monday, and the Cardinals putting him in their ring of honor this weekend, the Associated Press has dug through a ton of Army evidence about how Pat Tillman was killed.
I actually don’t have a ton to say about it … I don’t feel qualified to speak on the issue, and I’m sure there are others out there who are more knowledgeable and have a deeper sense of outrage than me. But here are snippets of the AP’s findings, from this SI.com article. It’s not a lot of fun to read.
One of the four shooters, Staff Sgt. Trevor Alders, had recently had PRK laser eye surgery. Although he could see two sets of hands “straight up,” his vision was “hazy,” he said. In the absence of “friendly identifying signals,” he assumed Tillman and an allied Afghan — who also was killed — were enemy.
Another, Spc. Steve Elliott, said he was “excited” by the sight of rifles, muzzle flashes and “shapes.” A third, Spc. Stephen Ashpole, said he saw two figures, and just aimed where everyone else was shooting.
Tillman’s platoon had nearly run out of vital supplies, according to one of the shooters. They were down to the water in their CamelBak drinking pouches, and were forced to buy a goat from a local vendor. Delayed supply flights contributed to the hunger, fatigue and possibly misjudgments by platoon members.
A field hospital report says someone tried to jump-start Tillman’s heart with CPR hours after his head had been partly blown off and his corpse wrapped in a poncho; key evidence including Tillman’s body armor and uniform was burned.
Wow.
Just wanted to mention that Friday Night Lights was excellent again last night… even better than the first episode. You might be able to watch it here… but as of the time of this post, it was still showing the first episode. I dunno when or if that’ll change.
I hate to tell you too much about the episode, because you may still want to see it for yourself at some point, but… the scene with the coach and Saracen on the football field… that’s as good as scenes get on network television shows.
Anyway… I never do this. I’ve been asked from time to time to pimp different TV shows or whatever, and I’m usually hesitant to do so, because I’m probably not going to watch them myself. But NBC should put me on the payroll for this, because I’m a big believer. Unfortunately… the ratings aren’t so great (which should probably convince you even further that it’s a quality show), and way more people are watching Dancing with the fucking Stars.
So I’m just going to gently nudge you in that direction one more time. I’m not going to do a weekly review of it or anything, because… that’s just not what I do. But if you’re into TV, and you’re looking for something on Tuesday nights… it’s there, and it’s good.
October10
Testing The Limits Of The Anus
I can’t imagine the havoc that could be wreaked on a bathroom after a 62-year-old man eats 247 jalapeno peppers. Even worse, I can’t imagine the havoc that is wreaked on that guy’s asshole. He’s going to be walking around the next three or four days with the business end of a fire extinguisher shoved into his rectum.
In a competitive eating contest, this guy, Richard LeFevre, ate 247 japaleno peppers in eight minutes. For being so awesome, the guy won $2,000. $2,000 is not even going to cover the toilet paper that’s going to be necessary after something like that, and it’s also probably not going to cover the rectum replacement surgery that he’s going to need.
I did some research on the subject, and… yes, there is information available out there on this sort of thing. One gentleman at PoopReport.com had this recollection after eating 12 jalapeno peppers:
Fast forward to the following morning: I awoke feeling fine and headed out for work. Not two blocks away, my water broke. I farted, but that might qualify as the understatement of the decade. I sputtered and choked in the wake of my foul ass while rolling the windows down. At this point I honestly thought I’d shit myself because I was basically a paraplegic from the asshole down — my nerve endings had surrendered to the onslaught of that blast. Giving it the old stand-on-the-accelerator trick, I managed to make it two more blocks to a service station. I hopped out, grabbed the key-on-a-cinderblock, and began my walk of shame.
I grunted, I cursed all Heaven and Earth, I sweat, I pushed for twenty minutes while what felt like a flaming Louisville Slugger exited my battered orifice. Once I was spent, I *dabbed* my swollen anal canal and stood to survey the beast.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!”
My violator was almost exactly the size of a smallish jalapeno pepper, with the exact shade of green as the fresh fruit. To this day I’m amazed that something so small took so long to birth, let alone was able to burn and batter the ringpiece beyond all recognition.
– Bluespoo
Sorry about your cornhole, Richard Lefevre.
October4
Friday Night Lights… Decent.
I was a little bit afraid that NBC’s “Friday Night Lights” would get caught up on a lot of Dawson’s Creek bullshit, but I was relieved to find out last night that that wouldn’t be the case. I watch barely any non-sports television, but I felt like I had to see Friday Night Lights last night because the movie was so good, and the TV show brought back the same writer and director, Peter Berg.
And it sticks pretty well with the formula from the movie. It doesn’t have exactly the same feel–the movie was based on actual people and events, whereas this is completely fictionalized–but there’s still an interest in having characters with a sense of realness. There’s still the same feel of a fucked-up southern town where no one ever bothered to learn that life goes a little bit beyond high school football. There’s still the same patient and dramatic directing.
It works for me because the characters work. Every character here is flawed in some way, and Peter Berg gives them the time and space to show it. It’s a little bit more melodramatic than the movie, but it’s better than I anticipated.
And it looks like they’ve done a fine job casting it, too, and I thought that might be a problem. Billingsley and Winchell and Miles were such fantastic characters in the movie, played by very good actors… I thought it might be a little bit hard to get out of their shadow. And there are characters here with similarities, but pretty significant differences, too, which is good. It’s a whole new set of personalities.
Texas head coach Mack Brown had a cameo last night… and even Mack fucking Brown was good. If I didn’t know ahead of time that Mack Brown was going to be in this thing, I probably wouldn’t have noticed that it was him, and just chalked it up to some guy doing a good job at playing a douchebag.
Here’s a clip that illustrates pretty well some of the positive and negatives. You see Mack Brown, you see the pressure from the coach from some local people… and then towards the end, you see an older ho’s advances towards a player. That seemed like a bit much, but the show kept stuff like that to a minimum.
Anyway, I dug it. Not quite as much as the New York Times, evidently… but I very much enjoyed it nonetheless. Check out the opening paragraph from their review.
Lord, is “Friday Night Lights” good. In fact, if the season is anything like the pilot, this new drama about high school football could be great — and not just television great, but great in the way of a poem or painting, great in the way of art with a single obsessive creator who doesn’t have to consult with a committee and has months or years to go back and agonize over line breaks and the color red; it could belong in a league with art that doesn’t have to pause for commercials, or casually recap the post-commercial action, or sell viewers on the plot and characters in the first five minutes, or hew to a line-item budget, or answer to unions and studios, or avoid four-letter words and nudity.
As you may be aware, Congress approved a bill yesterday that pretty much outlaws internet gambling. The bill prohibits credit card companies and other payment services from accepting any kind of online gambling transactions. The internet gambling ban was attached to some kind of port security legislation that’s very likely to be signed by the president in the next couple of weeks.
If you’re wondering why Congress felt it was important to do this… hell, I dunno. It’s one of those shady little deals where a dickhead lawmaker or two won’t let a bigger bill get through unless he also gets to attach some kind of douchebag legislation to it that he and maybe a couple other people want. As for why those people feel it’s important… I imagine it’s because if we gamble over the Internet, the terrorists have already won. Or perhaps we’re supporting terrorism when we do it. Or maybe it’s as simple as the fact that these colors don’t run, so, you know… let’s roll. Mission accomplished.
But if you’re one of those conspiracy theory nutjobs out there who needs a better explanation, Iowa Republican Jim Leach, who sponsored the bill, had this explanation:
“Religious leaders of all denominations and faiths are seeing gambling problems erode family values,” Leach said in a statement. “If Congress had not acted, gamblers would soon be able to place bets not just from home computers, but from their cell phones while they drive home from work or their BlackBerries as they wait in line at the movies.”
AND? You know what that sounds like to me? Convenience. It sounds like an example of someone making good use of the technology available to us. I don’t understand… what happens if someone places a bet over a BlackBerry while waiting in line to see a movie? Really, what happens? Are we concerned that this man won’t be able to focus on the movie because he’s really hoping that the Broncos cover? Would it really be that big of a loss to the nation if this guy wasn’t able to properly enjoy Jackass Number Two?
I guess that’s where we draw the line, when people use cell phones and BlackBerries. That’s when it’s out of hand. You know, I wish drug dealers would think to start using cell phones for drug deals, so then the government could get around to whooping some ass on that War on Drugs. Does this fellow think no one’s ever used a cell phone to place a bet before? Or a BlackBerry, for that matter?
And if religious leaders are concerned about it, then of course we have to act. Because that’s what our great nation is based on: making laws out of the religious values of a few people. That’s what freedom is all about. I feel like listening to a goddamn Lee Greenwood record.
Myself, I’m not really going to miss it. I’ve never placed a sports bet online, and while I’ve played a little bit of poker online, it’s not something I really made a habit of. I hadn’t played in quite some time. But putting a ban on this is absurd and does absolutely nothing to make anyone happier, safer, or better in any way.
One of two things is going to happen. Either the online sites are going to find a loophole, or some way around this… or the gamblers are going to take their business to their local bookie, to underground poker clubs… places where, if they screw up, they get their legs broken.
This is kind of a sticky little issue. You’ve got Etan Thomas on one side, and Jerry Colangelo on the other… how attractive could it possibly be?
Here’s the short version of what happened. Coach K (former West Point coach) and Jerry Colangelo (right-wing religious holy roller, evidently) wanted to strengthen the ties between Team USA and the country as a whole. So they wanted to establish a strong tie with the military, and as a part of that, they brought in some soldiers who were wounded in battle, including a guy who’s now blind, and a guy who lost part of his hand, to talk to and motivate the team.
Iiieeegh. That’s the sound I make. There’s just something extremely off-putting about that. Here are some quotes from the article, an excellent one, by the way, from Dave Zirin at The Nation:
There are other quotes in the article that make reference to the fact that they wanted guys to know that this is more than just another basketball game, and that it means a lot to wear the “USA” on your jersey… and to be honest with you, I don’t know why either of those things would be true.
It is just a basketball game, and it has no parallels, none whatsoever, to what’s happening in Iraq. I’m with Etan Thomas, who said he just wouldn’t have been motivated by that. I could see being moved to tears, I could see feeling terrible for the guy… but it motivating me to dunk on a French guy, I don’t think so. Whatever I’d be doing on the basketball court would not help America, it would not help humanity, it would not help anyone except those who care about this basketball tournament.
Which, it should be pointed out, isn’t a whole hell of a lot of people. These games are on at 6:30 a.m. I’m not even sensing any passionate following of this thing among basketball bloggers, and if it was going to exist anywhere, it would exist there. I just don’t see it. The number of people in America who care passionately about this basketball tournament is probably not even in the triple digits.
Not that that is relevant at all, but I just don’t see what any of this has to do with the war. I don’t think it’s relevant if you support the war, or if you don’t (and in the interests of full discloser, I reeeeally don’t) and I also don’t think it’s relevant that Etan Thomas is a “left-wing” guy, and Jerry Colangelo is a “right-wing” guy… to me, the only relevant thing is that it’s sleazy as hell to use a guy’s disability to motivate a basketball team. That’s it. That’s the end of it.
The “hey, this guy gave his eyesight, so you can certainly work to get through a screen” line of thinking is simplistic, juvenile, and, I don’t like using this word, but stupid. That guy gave up his eyesight fighting something that he presumably, for better or worse, believed in. Our motivation in this basketball tournament is to reclaim American’s position at the top of the international basketball world. One has nothing to do with the other, and again, bringing those guys in feels exploitative and sleazy.
And, while we’re here, let’s talk about Jerry Colangelo for a second. I knew some of this, but not all of it… the guy, evidently, is absolutely fucking crazy. And again, I don’t think this is particularly relevant to the issue, other than to say, “Well, yeah, he sounds like the kind of guy who would do that sort of thing.” In summary, Jerry Colangelo hates, with a burning passion, the seperation of church and state. Here are some Colangelo facts from the article…
Colangelo has been pouring his money into efforts to strengthen ties between Republican politics and the religious right. He was a deputy chair of the Bush/Cheney 2004 campaign in Arizona, and Colangelo’s deep pockets contributed to what is called the Presidential Prayer Team, a private evangelical group that claims to have signed up more than 1 million people to drop to their knees and pray daily for Bush. During the election summer of 2004, as Max Blumenthal has reported, Colangelo bought ads on 1,200 radio stations urging listeners to pray for the President.
Colangelo has never been shy about using sports to project his politics. On April 5, 2003, he designated the Phoenix Suns’ contest against Minnesota Arizona Right-to-Life Day.
The former Diamondbacks CEO also helped launched a group along with other baseball executives and ex-players called Battin’ 1,000, a national campaign that uses baseball memorabilia to raise funds for Campus for Life, the largest antichoice student network in the country. Battin’ 1,000 stands against all abortions, even in the case of incest or rape. Its motto: “Pro-life–without exception, without compromise, without apology.”
Fucking YIKES. Pray for President Bush… my goodness. You know what… here’s David Cross on that very issue.
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August17
Goodbye, Bruno Kirby
I was saddened to hear of Bruno Kirby’s passing yesterday. Three weeks ago, he was diagnozed with leukemia, and… leukemia works quickly, evidently, at least in this case. It doesn’t really have much to do with sports, but he did once do the wave with Billy Crystal at Giants stadium while discussing Crystal’s wife’s infidelities and a guy wearing a t-shirt that said, “Don’t fuck with Mr. Zero.” To note his passing, here are five of my all-time favorite Bruno Kirby movie quotes.
“Hey Phil, what’d you use for protection… paper or plastic?”
“BABY FISH MOUTH! BABY FISH MOUTH!”
“Percy Faith! GOOD! Andy Williams, Perry Como, and certain ballads by Mr. Frank Sinatra.”
“Hey pal. I can get an erection anytime I want. Watch.”
August8
No Pros Left In The WSOP
There are 27 players left in the main event of the World Series, and I’ve heard of two of them. And both of those guys fall into the “vague recognition” category. The current chip leader is a guy named Jamie Gold, a former Hollywood agent, and I’m sure ESPN’s just going to love that. Norman Chad will be set with hours and hours of cheap agent puns.
Another guy, David Einhorn (no relation to Lois), says he’s playing for charity. If he wins, he’s giving every dime of the $12 million grand prize to the Michael J. Fox foundation for Parkinson’s Disease. So that’s probably a pretty good guy to root for. Everyone else, much like I would, will probably blow it on hookers and blow. So I’m rooting for Einhorn. At least it would be if I still had any interest in it.
It’s nothing against the guys that are still playing; I’m sure they’re all fine players. But I just wanna watch guys I’ve heard of. I like watching Phil Hellmuth play poker (though I hate watching him do absolutely anything else, like hosting Celebrity Poker Showdown, for example), I like Daniel Negreanu, Johnn Chan, Gus Hansen, Phil Ivey, Erick Lindgren. I’d even settle for Dan Harrington. I just don’t see myself watching a whole lot of the WSOP on ESPN this year.
