Sometimes I glance over headlines pretty quickly without much thought. And sometimes, I see headlines like that one and think something like, “Why is Kobe hiring a lacrosse coach… well, actually, I guess those two might have a lot to talk about. Similar experiences and all.”

Then I click the link, and learn that ‘Bryant’ doesn’t refer to Kobe, but to a school with a lacrosse team. And then I feel shame.

It’s been a big month for head-butting. Bobo Brazil would be proud.

This guy was on his horse, and the horse jumped a little bit, and the jockey landed on his feet. I don’t know if a horse is smart enough to throw someone off, but do it gingerly, as as not to hurt someone, but if that’s possible, I think it’s what happened here. And then the jack-ass head-butted the horse.

There’s no chance that it was incidental contact. ESPN has video of it here. He rears back with the head, and then… he headbutts the horse. Through some special software that I purchased when Barbaro crippled himself, I was able to play the video on my computer, and then hear the horse’s thoughts.

“Alright man, you’re screwing with me a little bit, and I don’t like it. I’m gonna get you off here. Alright, there you go. Safe landing, there you go. Now, I was thinking maybe we could–HEY! OUCH! Hey, asshole! Did you just fucking head-butt me? I didn’t deserve–oh, what’s that? Oh yeah? Get back on, motherfucker, see what happens. I ain’t playin’, man, get back on. What? Oh, That’s what I thought, punk-ass bitch. Yeah, you look pretty in lemon yellow, you pillow-biting midget prick. I’ll kill you.”

I just can’t believe that someone headbutted a horse. I don’t know if it hurt the animal, or if he intended it to hurt the animal, but… that’s just dumb. What sort of result are you expecting from headbutting a horse? Is this common? Is this a method of equine motivation? Is he expecting the horse to go, “Oh, you headbutted me. I understand now. Thank you, sir.”

And if you have to strike a horse, at least be a man and punch it in the face, Mongo style.

I don’t imagine that being speared in the chest by one of those things pictured to your right is a lot of fun, but it happened to a guy this weekend. A couple of experienced marlin fisherman were doing their thing off the coast of Bermuda when they had a big marlin hooked. They were about to reel him in, when the fish decided he wasn’t goin’ out like that.

The big fella changed directions, lunged at the guy, speared him in the chest, and knocked him into the ocean. According to the doctor, he was damn lucky that he didn’t get killed. He’s currently recovering from surgery, and is listed in “stable” condition.

I sorta feel bad for the guy, and I’m sorry that it happened. But, you know… he’s on the fish’s territory, and he is attempting to kill. When you fuck with mother nature, sometimes, mother nature fucks back. I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often. I’m glad that a marlin finally had the balls to step up and use that giant poker on his snout. I think he’s entitled.

So, best wishes to the guy who was injured. And to the fish… hell yeah, my man. Score one for all the marlins out there who are currently stuffed and mounted in some guy’s den.

There’s a noble new blog out there entitled “Kill Barbaro,” that a commentor told us about yesterday. There’s not a ton of content there right now, but it’s a worthwhile subject, and I’m sure there’s plenty of room to grow. I don’t want Barbaro to die nearly as bad as that guy. In fact, I felt a slight twinge of compassion when I wrote that I wanted the horse dead… I sense no such thing here. Anyway, I’d also like to point you in the direction of two opposing viewpoints.

Phil Taylor at SI.com and Bernie Lincicome at the Rocky Mountain News both love Barbaro because he represents all that is good about athletes. He doesn’t have any of the shortcomings that so many other human athletes have. That’s why people gravitate towards Barbaro, they argue. “No spite, no malice, no sass, no head butts, no misquotes in Barbaro’s autobiography,” says Lincicome. Says Taylor, “Barbaro isn’t human, so he exhibits none of the human failings that disappoint us in our athletes and coaches. He never put his hoof in his mouth like Ozzie Guillen, or fell in love with himself like Terrell Owens. He never held out for more money, stiffed us for an autograph, tangled with the authorities or coasted when he should have been playing hard.”

Hoo boy. I just don’t know how you get there. “Yeah, humans aren’t doing it for me anymore, so let’s start rooting for animals.” That’s solid. That’s lucid. In fact, I think I’m going to apply that to all areas of my life. I haven’t talked to a friend of mine on the phone for a while, and I don’t like that, so my new best friend is a goddamn Irish Setter. And you know what, I don’t have a ton of success with the ladies, so yeah, I’m going to start fucking Sea Turtles. It’s a better option for me.

I’m sorry, and I really hate to take shots at columnists like this, but come on, fellas, you’re better than that. You know why Barbaro didn’t complain about anything? Well, to start with, HE’S A GODDAMN HORSE. They can’t talk, alright? Man, Phil Taylor and Bernie Lincicome must have really loved “Mr. Ed.” And you know why Barbaro ran so hard? Because someone was beating him with a whip. It’s not that remarkable. And you know why Barbaro doesn’t have an ego like that of Terrell Owens? Because his brain is the size of one of Tom Brady’s balls. He couldn’t have an ego if he wanted to. His brain of capable of about three different thoughts, “I’m hungry,” “I wish the little guy in silk would stop whipping me,” and “my fucking leg hurts.” That’s about it.

And you know what, I’m not even sure that I’m buying that Barbaro is so noble and courageous. We all just assume he is, because he doesn’t say anything. He’s completely incapable of verbally expressing any sort of thought or emotion, so we don’t know what’s going on in his horse brain. He might be a colossal prick. He’s probably a complete homophobe, and he hates all the gay horses. This whole injury thing may be an elaborate ruse that he’s staging because he’s unhappy with the amount of apples that he’s provided every day. In fact, he might be faking the whole goddamn thing. I don’t trust Barbaro. Not even for a second. He’s suspect.

Recent news reports have Barbaro “responding well in his sixth cast.” His sixth cast? That seems a little excessive. I mean, I’d have my only child put to sleep if he or she required six casts for the same injury. This is getting absurd. I wish they’d just put a bullet in him and be done with it.

I’m not sure if I can take it if the thing lives for five more years, and we’re still getting constant updates on his health. It’s just that time… there’s talk of “potentially serious” complications, the vet says it’s in for some rough times ahead, it’s had surgery after surgery, it’s got an abscess on his left hind hoof, and… well, I think it’s annoying as fuck.

I realize that that’s not a very good reason to kill a horse, but hey, it’s horse racing. They’ve killed for less. I wish Jayson Williams would hire Barbaro to give him a ride home, or that Barbaro had an affair with OJ Simpson’s current love interest, or someone hired Isiah Thomas to oversee Barbaro’s recovery.

…I think you’ll enjoy this. It’s three YouTube clips, totalling about 25-minutes in length. It’s from some kind of Japanese television show, and the premise seems to be that there’s one guy who has instructions to go about his day, like any other day. In the meantime, five or six other guys in black robes follow him around and pelt him with cream pies.

I realize that that doesn’t sound all that funny, and hey, you might not find it to be that amusing. Cream pie humor does have its limitations, but… the Japanese have taken it to a whole new level. The Japanese are so far ahead of us.

On a related note, if you’re going to make a similar post on your blog, and you’re looking for a picture to put with the post, and you do an image search for “cream pie”… the results might not be what you expected. I didn’t even know that “cream pie” had an alternate meaning. Good Lord… live and learn, and I suppose.

Barbaro’s got some “potentially serious” complications in his leg, including an infection, which I’m told can drastically alter the taste of the Moo Goo Gai Pan he will someday become. Barbaro is recovering in an intensive care unit.

And, to celebrate the spirit of Barbaro, I present to you this YouTube clip as a pure celebration of animals in sporting events. This bear and Barbaro… they have so much in common, and there’s much we can learn from them.