I know what’s on your mind. You’re concerned about whether or not Barbaro was able to watch and enjoy the Belmont Stakes this past weekend, and justifiably so. Well, thanks to a tipster named Elysse, we have the answer. Let’s consult the Baltimore Sun…

One hundred and fifty miles to the south, Barbaro will receive his weekly bath and then he’ll return to his 11-by-13-foot pen, the small space where he spends 99 percent of his time. Later today, hospital staff will set up a television just outside his stall and they’ll turn the channel to the big race.

“It’s possible he won’t even turn around to watch it,” says Corrine Sweeney, hospital director at New Bolton Center. “Maybe he’d rather just eat hay.”

Ya don’t fucking say. You mean Barbaro wouldn’t just grab the remote, turn the volume up, and settle in for the big race? Weird. I expected him to not only watch the race, but then to access the program guide, and set the DVR to record Desperate Housewives a little later. I just can’t believe he didn’t do that.

I can’t say it’s a total surprise, though. Sometimes I go to the zoo and visit the horses, and set a copy of Macbeth in front of them, but they never read it. Once, I bought them a swingset and put it next to them with a screwdriver, and they didn’t even bother to put it together. So yes, it seems that they would indeed rather just eat hay and look like Shannon Sharpe. Horses are funny like that.

ABC will be broadcasting the the Scripps National Spelling Bee finals live this evening at 8 eastern, as you may be aware. The Wade Blogs has a nice post to get you ready… including video of the kid fainting, and my personal favorite, another kid nailing an impromptu Napoleon Dynamite impression that just confused the hell out of everyone.

I’d love to watch, and in fact, I would, if there wasn’t basketball on tonight. I certainly wouldn’t go so far as to call spelling a sport, but… for an evening, it will do. And compared to whatever douchebag-filled “reality” show featuring marginally-talented people who seek only to be on television that would normally be airing in this timeslot, the National Spelling Bee qualifies as high-brow entertainment.

And hey, it’s nice to see the smart kids get some airtime… they’re dedicated to this, they work hard at it, and every now and then, it’s probably a good idea to take a break from constantly praising the athletic kids. And, you know, I don’t like to brag, but in 3rd-grade, I won a class spelling bee. If I remember correctly, my winning word was “vulva.” But I may be confused about that.

The winning horse that everyone ignored because another horse broke his ankle is sitting out the Preakness, the third leg of the triple crown. All three triple crown events will have different winners, and none of them will be able to read.

Dubai’s Sheik Mohammed, who operates Darley Stud, made the decision to rest Bernardini.

“We feel that he climbed the ladder of competition quite quickly,” said James G. Bell of Darley Stable. “We believe he deserves a break.”

A break? From what, running a lap around a track on three consecutive Saturdays? Yeah, don’t push it. Don’t be a hero. Obviously, horses are athletes, but even the world’s greatest athletes don’t push their bodies that far. For me, the list of the greatest endurance athletes of all time goes something like 1) Lance Armstrong, 2) Bernardini, and 3) Screw everyone else.

I think what we have here is a case of “Hey, we have a winner here, and we saw what happened to Barbaro, and we’re not going to risk an injury, having the horse put to sleep, and not being able to cash in on any of his million-dollar semen.” They can just take the horse right now, put him out to stud, sell his future horse children for hundreds of thousands of dollars, and cash in with each of his gigantic horse semen blasts. Ah, the purity of horse racing.

And while we’re on the subject, I’m just wondering… you know, a fast horse gets put out to stud, he reproduces, and they sell the horse kids for a lot of money, but… what if the horse is gay? What if he doesn’t want to have sex with girl horses? What then? Sorry, sparky, but it’s off to the Elmer’s factory. It seems to me that the world of horse racing is very exclusionary of gay horses. I will stand for it no longer.

I think you should go here, by the way.

After five hours of surgery, Barbaro is walking again. But he’s still not out of the woods, they still might have to send him away to horsey heaven. And it’s really touching to me how much people care about Barbaro the horse. All of these horse lovers, who are so devoted to an activity that sees about 800 horses die a year after injuries suffered on the track, pulling together to save one special horse, because he’s so very fast. It’s beautiful. It’s what being an animal lover is all about.

And I’d just like to give a personal thank you to the people who showed up at the frontgate of the animal hospital with signs that said, “Thank you, Barbaro,” and “We Love You, Barbaro.” That is exactly what I would have done if I was there, and if horses could fucking read.

I may sound callous with this, but I just don’t know who makes a sign that says, “Thank you, Barbaro.” On so many levels, I am confused. As already noted… the horse can’t read. Did the lady think this horse was Mr. Ed, and that he would see the sign, stomp his foot twice and say, “Hey, thanks, lady. I like your hat, too.” And then, forgive me, but why are we thanking Barbaro? Did he help you hit your exacta at the Kentucky Derby? And if so, I don’t think he did it to help you out, I think he did it because the little guy in silk was beating the fuck out of him with a whip.

I feel genuinely bad that the horse is in trouble. Truly, I do. I like animals. But the affection for this one particular animal doesn’t make sense to me. A lot of horses get killed that aren’t as fast, and that probably have personalities just as sparkling as that of Barbaro. People who say that they love horse racing because they really love the animals is kinda like saying, “Yeah, I really love kids. That’s why I kidnap so many of them and stuff them in my closet.” It makes sense to me that if people really loved horses, they’d hate an activity that was so cruel to them.

It was getting to be about time for my annual “horse racing is dumb” post… and just in time, a football player at Ohio University has jumped in and joined my side of the argument.

There was a brawl outside of an Athens bar, and police were ushering people away from the scene. Corey Logan, 233-pound tight end, according to police offers “struck the horse between the eyes with the heel of his hand.”

Of course you know what happens next… he gets sent to prison, where Nasty Nate wants to violate him, but the Squirrel Master steps in to protect him, until his stoner friends can raise his bond money by selling weed.

Actually, what could happen is Logan doing up to 90 days in jail and paying a $750 fine, if he’s convicted. He says the horse bumped him, and he instinctively flinched and hit the horse with his elbow. The officer begs to differ.

Anyway, I might as well do it now, while we’re on the subject of horse hating… I just want to go on record for the 72nd time and say that the Kentucky Derby is not a sporting event. I know it’s a lot of fun… I know it’s a great big party. And that’s fine. But it is not the most exciting two minutes in sports, mainly because it is neither exciting, nor a sport.

It’s tiny, underpaid, men in silk whipping horses to make them run faster. It’s a reason for gambling. It’s no different than the race at your local track, where the 70-year-old guys who have bourbon for breakfast spend all day picking winners and reeking of urine. This particular race just happens to have mint juleps to overpower the stench.

Fuck your horse, Bob Baffert.

Coming soon to a television near you: Major League Gaming. That’s “gaming” as in, video games. There’s a professional league for video game players, and they’ve got a deal with the USA Network… which already kinda puts them ahead of the NHL. But something still feels dirty about this… it just feels like we’ve gone too far. I love video games as much as anyone, but… watching someone else play them? I would feel bad for wasting that portion of my life.

That said, however… if there’s a Madden championship on at some point… I’m probably watching. I watched Madden Nation on ESPN, a series that followed the best Madden players in a bus, going from city to city and playing each other until a champion was crowned. I watched it. I enjoyed it. I developed rooting interests. I can deny none of this. It happened.

“We believe that pro-gaming-wise, this will be the next World Poker Tour, the next NASCAR and the next action-sports movements,” said Matthew Bromberg, president and COO of Major League Gaming. “For us, these deals really signify that pro gaming is emerging into the mass market.”

Calm yourself, pal. I mean, I hope you succeed, and congatulations on the TV deal, but at the end of the day, you’re still talking about trying to get people to watch dorks sit and play videogames. The odds are stacked against you. To most people, that’s just one step up from the National Playing With Yourself While Browsing Internet Porn League.

The only games mentioned in this article are “Halo 2″ and “Super Smash Bros. Melee World,” and I’m not familiar with either game.

The people at the Kentucky Derby are going to be selling $1,000 mint juleps this year. It will consist of bourbon from Kentucky, mine from Morocco, ice from the Arctice, and sugar from the South Pacific. I think it also contains some of Secretariat’s snot.

I dunno about you, but… if I’m going to be spending $1,000 on a beverage, I believe I should be able to drink it out of an orifice on Jessica Alba’s body of my own choosing.

And here’s my favorite part… proceeds from sales of the drink (and I think the profit margin is pretty solid on these) will go to a charity for retired horses. A charity for horses. I guess we need to build more soup kitchens for horses, and help them get jobs and get off the booze so they can get off the street and raise their little horsies in an acceptable manner.

When every human charity out there is rolling in money, then I’m going to start giving to charities for horses. Actually, that’s not true. Dogs will be first. Then, kittens. Maybe iguanas, pigs, duck-billed platypuses… then Raider fans. Then zebras with gonorrhea. After that… cartoon bunnies, fur coats, and genetically-created sheep. Then, maybe I’ll get to horses. Maybe. I mean, there are horses in porn, what more do they want?

It’s not that I don’t have sympathy for the plight of horses who are sent to slaughter. I hate that that happens. But horse racing in general has historically been very cruel to the horses they employ, so I’m just not buying that there are any altruistic motives here… otherwise, they wouldn’t spend their Sundays beating horses with a leather whip so that they’ll run faster so rich people can gamble on them. That seems cruel to me.