Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, that one special day of the year where you’re required to spend hundreds of dollars on your lady in the hopes that you’ll buy the right things and she’ll let you bone her.

And for those of you who can’t think about what to do for your lady, I’d like to revisit this advice from Delonte West, as told to Page 2’s Louise K. Cornetta:

So Jim Jones pumping and then from there, wind blowing through the hair, boom, we get straight to the point — we eat afterwards because I don’t want to kiss no onions. I don’t want to kiss you tasting like onions and steak and mushrooms and everything …

Yeah, we’re going to my yacht. We’ll pull up at the docks and got a guy waiting for us, open our door up and we walk down a lit-up dock and onto the yacht, where we have dinner set up on the boat and we just cruise out on the water. Sit down and have some dinner, some shrimps and steaks, keep it nice and breezy. Pop some bottles, some Moet Rose. The red Moet, we ain’t popping no Kristal, it tastes like urination. We ain’t popping no Kris, that’s $500 a bottle. It ain’t that serious …

OK, so from there, we’re doing a midnight skinny-dipping jump. Alright? From there, hopefully she’s got money because I hope Jaws gets her, boom, make sure she got me in the will, bank, I’m good. Oh well, shark got her! Jaws got her …

One more thing: When we’re on the yacht eating, we’re going to have some Popeyes chicken. That’s for dinner. It’s to let her know, put a mental image on her mind, first and foremost, if you ain’t from the hood, you don’t like Popeyes chicken. Everyone there loves Popeyes chicken and the biscuits — phew. But that’s just getting it on her mind, saying, you know, ‘Yeah, I can wine and dine you, but I’m a little rough around the edges and I’m keeping it real with you. I can be romantic, but this is real, we’re going to eat some chicken tonight. Chicken and biscuits.

I will never ever get tired of reading that, and I will never stop believing that it is solid dating advice. Oh, and just to justify the use of the trim tag…

That’s Jessica Alba. Courtesy of Would Would Tyler Durden Do. There are more pictures there. I can’t stop sweating.

If you’re looking for reasons as to why Ronnie Brown only gained 2 yards on 12 carries against the Vikings this weekend… pop Rocky in the DVD player and listen as Mick warns Rock: “Women weaken legs.”

And Ronnie Brown has picked a hell of a leg-weakener. From BenMaller.com (via the Miami Herald, where the article isn’t working at the moment), comes this little note than Ronnie Brown and Serena Williams have been spotted about town together. Brown says they’re just friends, but I think we should be completely immature and irresponsible with this, and assume that they are, at the very least, exchanging bodily fluids on a regular basis.

So yeah, if Mick’s theory is true, and Ronnie Brown is putting his serve in her box, then he probably spent Sunday being grateful that her herculean thighs didn’t just rip his cock off. The guy probably barely had the strength to get up in the morning, let alone try to run against an NFL defense.

UFC bad-ass Tito Ortiz was recently invited to be the guest of honor at the US Marine Corps’ Birthday Ball. He accepted, and was going to happily be there… until the Marine Corps got word that his girlfriend gets hammered on film for money.

Tito’s dating porn star Jenna Jameson, and would have, of course, wanted her to accompany him to the ball. The Marine Corps, for some reason, objected to the presence of a porn star as an honored guest at a traditional Marine Corps function. Hell, some of them even objected to Tito’s presence.

“These guys in Miramar are making a mockery of what is supposed to be tradition,” [Master Gunnery Sgt. Larry] Kuzniak said. “It should be about the Marine Corps, not about the movie stars and the athletes. If you’re not going to observe tradition, you might as well just let it die. Next thing you know, Barbra Streisand will be out there.”

He’s right… that would be even worse. Barbra Streisand probably won’t even give up the poontang. And unlike Jenna, not everyone in the Marine Corps audience can draw her labia from memory. Although, in Barbra’s defense, I should point out that Pete Sampras did once describe Streisand as a pitching wedge, saying that she looks good from about a hundred yards out.

But I think that’s sort of a hypocritical stance for the Marines to take. After all, they’re over there every single day, putting their life on the line for us citizens, and why? To protect our right to take a videotaped load in the face for profit, that’s why. The day I can’t proudly attend a Marine Corps function with a woman that everyone in the building knows has been penetrated it at least three orifices at once… that’s the day I no longer want to be an American.

By the way, does Tito Ortiz know that he can date someone who hasn’t been plowed by hundreds, if not thousands, of other men? Does he know that he’s rich, famous, and good-looking enough to land a date whose vagina does not require a heavy coating of Lysol before penetration?

Anyway… I’m glad that Tito understood the Marine Corps’ decision, and I wish them luck in finding a more suitable host.

And big, big thanks to my man Jackie Chiles at The Airing of Grievances for the tip.

Found at MisterIrrelevant.com is this commercial for… I dunno, tits? Clearly, we here in America have much to learn about jersey-swapping, and about commercials.

I just saw this at Insomniac’s Lounge, too… so I don’t know who to credit. But thanks.

An Irish newspaper printed topless photos of some woman who they incorrectly said was Tiger Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren. Obviously, American newspapers still have a lot to learn from their European counterparts. I would like to see the Pittsburgh Tribune Review to publish photographs on Saturday of Carson Palmer in some hot cornholing action.

But the Irish newspaper didn’t just stop with the fake photos. Nearly all the wives of the American golfers were called whores.

According to Britain’s Daily Mail, the photograph causing the stir has a topless woman that is not really Elin Nordegren, with the caption “Ryder Cup filth for Ireland.”

The article continues: “Most American golfers are married to women who cannot keep their clothes on in public. Is it too much to ask that they leave them at home for the Ryder Cup?

“Consider the evidence - Tiger Woods’s wife Elin Nordegren - pictured left - can be found in a variety of sweaty poses on porn sites across the web…”

The Irish publication also goes on to claim that Chad Campbell’s wife Amy is a ” largechested singer” and suggests that Jim Furyk’s wife Tabitha ” married geeky Jim as his winnings hit £10 million”.

The piece also says Sonya Toms, wife of David, finds it “liberating” to wear her bikini around the house.

The American team is said to be spectacularly pissed off, Tiger in particular. This is going to affect my Ryder Cup prediction… history has proven that the Europeans are better at this Ryder Cup thing than we are, but history has also proven that it’s a bad idea to piss Tiger Woods off right before he has to play. European captain Ian Woosnam has probably already decided who’s going to go up against Tiger Woods on Thursday morning, and that guy probably opened up that Irish newspaper, saw the story and said, “Oh, fuck.”

The Airing of Grievances links to a different newspaper story with an interest comment or two below it.

And in other Ryder Cup news, our team is already prancing around Europe, looking like complete pussies. At least if we do lose, we’ll be properly attired to get get Colin Montgomerie a cup of tea to help him celebrate.

So last night, I attempted to switch up my Amazon.com links down there on the left. You know, the ones that all of you completely ignore. And they have a new feature that automatically generates five links based on what appears on the site, the type of content here, etc. And the item at the top of the list was a DVD box set entitled “The Asian Collection - 20 Full Features in One Box.”

That’s right. Hardcore porno. Tera Patrick, Fujiko, Miko Lee, the whole gang… even Mimi Miyagi, a name that makes me want to just punch a porno producer in the face.

That’s what Amazon gets from this site. Sigh. Now, I’ll grant you… I don’t run the cleanest of enterprises. I embrace profanity and sexual innuendo like Joy Behar embraces Viagra jokes. But I’d like to think that I stop short of just outright pornography. I may feature some scantily-clad trim here and there, but I have boundaries. The one time I posted about “cream pies,” I swear, it was an honest mistake.

Edit: I could not make this up. I changed the link back to something I could customize on my own, because I didn’t want to advertise porno. The Asian Collection link could not have been up there for more than five minutes. And somebody fucking bought one. I kid you not. Those links are extremely rarely used… and within five minutes of its appearance here, someone bought a 20-Hour DVD box set of hardcore Asian porno for $39.99. Thank you, loyal and horny reader.

So in the span of about 20 minutes, I’ve sexually propositioned a judge and peddled Asian smut. I have had prouder days.

It’s beach volleyball season. I just wanted to be sure that you were aware. You can catch up on the action here. Man, I love beach volleyball. Huge fan. Can’t get enough.

Duke Revard sent this picture in yesterday… I am eternally grateful. That’s Dirk Nowitzki, just clearly shitfaced, hanging out with what I presume to be a ladyfriend of his. They must be pretty good friends, he’s wearing her earring, and she’s wearing his shirt.

Now, no one’s criticizing Dirk. He would not be the first player in NBA history to ever get drunk around the time of the Finals, nor would he be the first to rough up some random poontang. Maybe it was before the Finals, maybe it was shortly thereafter, maybe it was at halftime of Game 4… it doesn’t really matter. If nothing else, he should be congratulated just for being awesome.

Two games of the World Cup’s knockout round are set: England vs. Ecuador, and Germany vs. Sweden. England drew with Sweden today, in part because of an awesome Joe Cole strike, arguably the best goal of the World Cup thus far. And Germany dismantled Ecuador this morning, winning 3-0.

Two more matchups will be officially set tomorrow… and the Netherland/Argentina game at 3 o’clock tomorrow could be phenomenal.

You know what, I really just wanted to post that picture. There you go.

A couple of cheerleaders for the CFL’s Hamilton Tiger-Cats have been suspended from the squad after going on Howard Stern’s radio show. They were on the air talking about how they were virgins, their preferences for blow jobs, and they did some ho-dancing, evidently, and according to this article, they both “rode a sex toy.”

Joe Theismann had these comments:

“I don’t ever want to be mentioned in the same breath as these sex toy-riding cheerleaders ever again. I mean, they ride sex toys. Live on the air! I mean, I know my own son rides sex toys, too, but… that’s in the privacy of his own home, and the boy’s a Theismann, okay? He can do whatever the hell he wants, and if he wants to ride a motorized rubber ding-dong, then I’m damn sure going to let him. Fuckin’, I’ll pay for his batteries.

But these girls are a disgrace to the proud legacy of Canadian cheerleading, which is renowned all over the world. They don’t deserve to make human pyramids and carry megaphones. They should just go on with their lives, and blow anyone they want to. Blow Bryan Adams or Dexter Manley or the host of Fear Factor, I don’t care. Blow the plumber the next time he shows up at your house, right there on the kitchen floor if you feel like it. They obviously don’t want to cheer. Doesn’t anybody have any class anywhere?”

I made that up.

So yeah, they’re suspended. I can’t say for sure whether or not that suspension is just. I do, however, feel like it would be just to suspend or fire any woman who even believes that she can appear on Howard Stern’s show, and then not having something bad happen in her life. What positive outcomes are even possible?

I’m not a Stern fan, but… I know enough to know that no woman’s going to be on that show without being at least asked to talk about things that are… well… whorish. It’s what the man does, and apparently, there’s a huge audience for it. What are these girls expecting? That they’ll get on the show and share their grandmother’s recipe for Snickerdoodles? The Canadian Football League prides themselves on being a family-oriented enterprise… they don’t want their cheerleaders on the radio saying, “Hi! We cheer for the Hamilton Tiger-Cats and we’ve sucked more dicks than we can even count! GO TI-CATS!”

She’ll be tuning up for Wimbledon there. The DFS in Birmingham is on a grass court. She’s won there before. She just lost at the French Open. And, uh… you know, here’s a picture. It’s from the French Open, it’s a historical account of what happened, and… you know, that’s news. It’s news that she lost, because she’s a fine tennis player. So here’s a picture of her during that loss. She lost. News.

You can go to this website, and I swear I’m not making this up, and move your mouse cursor over a foot that purports to be that of England striker Wayne Rooney, “in a rhythmic fashion to focus your positive healing energies and add to the Healometer grand total.”

See, the more you move your mouse over this thing, the higher the Healometer goes. Their target is 790,056m, and they currently have 137,716m. Unfortunately, there is no option to drive rusty spikes through his heal, but you never know… that could surface today. I contibuted my 2m, even though I suspect that Wayne Rooney’s actual foot is much more unslightly than the one pictured there. Not an attractive man, Wayne Rooney. His own foot is also probably bigger, and carrying some sort of fungus. And perhaps a tattoo.

Creative idea for a website. Gotta hand it to whoever did it. There’s something slightly gratifying about moving your mouse over Wayne’s foot, hearing the little bells, and watching your meter be added to the Healometer total. I think they’ll easily reach the goal of 790,056m… and I still think Wayne will still be sitting out the group stages.

The picture at the top, by the way, is Colleen McLoughlin, girlfriend of Wayne Rooney. I thought that might make this post a little more tolerable for the non-soccer fans.