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That could not have gone better for Victor Ortiz
Victor Ortiz wanted a way out. He got it. And we got one hell of an entertaining fight night.
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Brock Lesnar. Holy Jesus.
Lesnar the baddest man on the planet, Lesnar the insane athlete you really should make an effort to watch because guys like this don’t come around very often … that’s what I want to talk about.
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Joey Porter/Levi Jones Fight: The Transcript
Joey Porter: FINE. Then they GONNA COLOR-MATCH LEVI JONES’ VAGINA (Porter kicks the air).
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Week 15 Smorgasbord…
If You Ain’t First, You’re Last
…and thus, I will be last.
The voting closes today for the 2006 Weblog Awards… I’m currently in fifth place. I’d sort of like to move up, but not really. Nothing short of a gifted hacker (and I’m willing to listen to your ideas) could get me in the vicinity of Kissing Suzy Kolber or Deadspin. Baseball Musings has a pretty solid lead on me, too. I don’t really know anything about that blog, but if the owner wants to fight me, we can get at it. The only blog I could conceivably catch is TrueHoop, and I’m in no hurry to do so. TrueHoop’s a fine and invaluable site and should probably finish ahead of me.
But if you voted for me anyway, I do appreciate it. I mean that.
themightymjd.com is happy to bring you a series of previews for some of the bullshit college football bowl games coming up. You may find yourself in the position of not knowing a lot of some of the teams involved, and that’s okay. I don’t either. But that won’t stop me from making up things that, if you can manage to convince yourself are true, would certainly pique your interest in these games. And again, I should probably point out that none of this is factual. 100% made up. Probably.
Today, we look ahead to Monday’s San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.
Northern Illinois’ regular quarterback, Phil Horvath, will be sitting out the prestigious San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl with a “season-ending injury.” Most people don’t know that his injury was suffered at the hands of his backup, Dan Nicholson. It wasn’t one of those crazy punter situations where one guy stabbed another guy because he wanted to boot low 35-yard punts … it was something far more disturbing. The following conversation took place:
Nicholson: It’s pretty cool that we’re going to a bowl game.
Horvath: I guess, man.
Nicholson: What do you mean, you guess? Aren’t you excited?
Horvath: Kinda. But it’s just the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. That sounds so lame.
Nicholson: What’s wrong with that?
Horvath: Nothing, it’s just … you know, the other bowl games have sponsors like Tostitos or FedEx or Nokia. National companies that people have heard of. Ours is a goddamn county credit union, right? (laughs)
Nicholson: What’s your problem with credit unions? You too good for a credit union, golden boy?
Horvath: What? No, man. Just take it easy. What’s your problem?
Nicholson: I’ll tell you my goddamn problem, dickweed. My mother worked at a credit union for 37 years. She gave her soul to the company. For decades, she handled money that she could never dream of, handed to her by people like you and your rich prick parents, for $8 an hour and a half-hour lunch break. I don’t think, jackass, that there is A DAMN THING WRONG WITH CREDIT UNIONS.
Horvath: Listen, I’m sorry, man. I was just talking out of my ass. I didn’t mean anything by–
Nicholson: I’M NOT DONE, DICKFACE. It was on her deathbed that she told me that working at the credit union was the best thing that ever happened to her. She met her husband there. She made friends there. Many of the most significant moments of her life were spent there. For Christ’s sake, Horvath, I was conceived in a credit union. My mother is buried RIGHT NOW underneath a credit union in the Chicago suburbs. You wanna go dig her up and piss on her rotting carcass? Do you, Horvath, you son of a bitch?
Horvath: Listen, I’m really sorry, man.
Nicholson: Oh, you’re sorry. Well, let me tell you something, Whore-vath. You think you’re all high and mighty and slick, but where the hell do you think you’d be without credit unions? Do you even know? Do you even know the hell that the world would be without credit unions? Do you know that credit unions care about the community? Do you know that they’re full-service financial institutions? Do you know that CREDIT UNION DEPOSITS ARE ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT GUARANTEED? DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN TAKE YOUR LOW-RETURN CDs AND JAM THEM STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASSHOLE? HUH, MOTHERF–?
Horvath: Stop! Just leave me alone, man. I like credit unio–
Nicholson: Oh, YOU WANNA GO? YOU WANNA GO, FRAT BOY? COME GET A PIECE OF THIS, YOU NAPERVILLE PUSSY.
Horvath: I think I’m just gonna leave.
It was then that Nicholson knocked Horvath down and grabbed the Northern Illinois mascot–a live Husky dog–and held it over Horvath’s face for 23 minutes, asphyxiating him. Horvath lost consciousness, his right lung collapsed, and Nicholson filled his locker with 114 live cobras. No one has discovered this yet.
The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl is Tuesday night, December the 19th, on ESPN2.
I made new Power Rankings.
And this post in the NBA FanHouse inspired me to look for another Garnett commercial, one of my favorite commercials of time:
Garnett’s got some acting chops.
And what an honor that is for Matthew McConaughey. “We Are Marshall” comes out this weekend, and I’m just wondering if any of you have worked up a burning desire to see it … because I really can’t. I’m a McConaughey fan … I loved his work in Dazed and Confused, and obviously, like we all were, I was a huge fan of “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” And I really loved him in … well, I’m sure he’s been in other movies.
Anyone have any reason to believe that this won’t be exactly like every other paint-by-number sports movie that’s been made over the past few years, that’s sort of decent, but nothing terribly special? I want to like it, I want to be excited about it … I’m just not sure I can buy McConaughey as someone who can carry a movie, I don’t know who Matthew Fox is, and from all the trailers and commercial I’ve seen already … I kinda want to punch Chris Griffin in the face.
Anyway, here’s a scene from the movie that was shown on the scoreboard at a Marshall game, recorded with surprising quality. In fact, this appears to be one of the climactic scenes of the movie. Why they’re giving this one away, I’m not sure, but if you’re so inclined, here it is:
The Humbling Of David Stern
Does a guy deserve credit for admitting that he was wrong and then taking bold steps to right the wrong? I’d say no, not if you had to beat him over the head first.
I don’t think the decision to go back to the old leather ball is a case of David Stern listening to his players, I don’t think it’s a case of him making a magnanimous decision … I think it’s a case of him saying to himself, “Well, if the new ball is actually making their hands bleed, and assistant coaches have to wear gloves while throwing passes in practice, I’m going to look like a total prick if I don’t change the ball back.”
I fully expect Steven Jackson to claim that dress shirts chafe his neck and that belts are giving him abdominal cancer, in an effort to get Stern to rescind the dress code, too.
But if the ball wasn’t making hands bleed, I don’t think this decision would’ve ever been made. Stern didn’t care that the players didn’t like it. If that was the only problem, they’d be using this ball until Stern was dead. But actually doing physical damage to players hands, the instruments they use to make a living … that, he couldn’t spin.
So I’m sure there are a few people around the league tonight that are amused that Stern had to put his tail between his legs (and I mean that literally, the man has a tail) and admit that he was wrong … even if he doesn’t believe it himself, which he probably doesn’t. He at least had to say it.
In fact, I bet he’s not done with this. He’s going to go back to Spalding, talk to them about some concerns that players had, and get a 2.0 version of the basketball. And no matter how terrible it is, as long as it doesn’t do physical damage, he’ll stick with it.
Also see: David Stern Unveils Plans To Use New Flaming Basketballs
I Remain Unconvinced About Rex Grossman
He put up a pretty nice passer rating last night, and he didn’t make any big mistakes, and ESPN is declaring that Rex Grossman “has his groove back.” But I’m not buying it. Not yet. What he did last night, he did against a group of defensive linemen that wear tampons. There was never any pressure on Grossman, the offense was clearly designed to give him quick, one-read options, and his downfield looks were extremely, extremely limited. They might as well have gone with Brian Griese … because what Grossman did last night was very Brian Griese-esque.
And he still only completed just over 50% of his passes. He was 13-of-23 for 200 yards and 2 touchdowns. I’m not saying that he’s not going to get better, I’m not saying that he can’t pull his season out of the toilet … I’m just saying last night’s performance doesn’t do it for me. And really, we’re not going to find out if Grossman is again an effective, non-game managing quarterback until the playoffs. The Bears close the season with the Bucs, Lions, and Packers, and unless he starts absolutely lighting it up and putting up huge numbers again … I don’t see myself being a big believer in Rex Grossman and the Bears in the playoffs.
The Week 14 Smorgasbord…
Where I Am Currently In Last Place…
It’s tricky to make these sorts of posts. On one hand, I would like to make you aware that this little website has been nominated for an award… a 2006 Weblog Award in the category of Best Sports Blog, specifically. But on the other hand, I don’t want it to seem like I’m begging for votes, even though, deep down, that is probably the exactly reason for this post.
I don’t expect to win, and truthfully, don’t deserve to. I haven’t put the time in on this site that I have in the past, which is something we’ve never really discussed, and I do appreciate your understanding with that. But, you know… if I have a choice between posting something here, and posting something somewhere else and getting paid for it … well, the lifesize, anatomically-correct, bronze Barbaro statue I’m building in my front yard isn’t going to pay for itself. I wish there was time to do both things as well as I’d like to do them. I don’t feel good about it. My apologies.
But, anyway… the link is here, if you’d like to go vote. Thanks.
Some Stuff…
Some mjd-produced FanHouse things that I’d like to call to your attention…
• The Santa’s Lead Blocker series which today directs you to this Raiders man-thong…
• The possible gayness of a New Jersey Net.
• Joey Porter giving Kellen Winslow the PSYCH!
• And finally, video evidence of Merrill Hoge’s very strange hatred of Vince Young.
