Monday, September 15, 2003
| Week 02 - 2003/2004 |
WVU lost in an embarrassing fashion yesterday to Cincinnati (is there any other way to lose to Cincinnati?), and for some reason, this weekend has the feel of a miserable 0'fer weekend. These weekends are pretty rare, but highly miserable. It occurs when the Mounties, Steelers, and Chargers all lose. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, by 7 p.m. on Sunday, the combination of humiliation, embarrassment, and ass-pain is enough to drive anyone to the brink of suicide. This is what we're trying to stave off today. I can't put my finger on why, but I've got a bad feeling about it.
Crazy Fish Guy makes his grand entrance about 10 minutes after I get there. He has a seat at my table. I feel honored, but I'm a little uncomfortable. He's talking, but I can't tell if I want to hug him or completely avoid eye contact. For now, I'm going with option B.
Michael Irvin and Tom Jackson have to be insulted by the fact that a part of their job is to justify what they say to Rush Limbaugh. The show works like this: Someone who knows something about the football says something. Rush Limbaugh can make a "challenge." And then whoever was challenged has to defend themselves against Rush's opinion, which was generated while sitting at home watching DirecTV and wishing black people didn't exist.
My buddy Danks shows up in a Tom Brady jersey and a Red Sox visor. I'm a little embarrassed.
My buddy Jonathan, who disappeared before the kickoff of the WVU game yesterday, shows his face. As it turns out, he got too drunk in the morning, and went home before the game started. This is the same guy who claimed earlier that morning that he was going to drink 250 beers in a week over spring break. Good luck with that one.
A locally-produced commercial airs, and Danks remarks that he's seen better acting in porn.
Speaking of porn, Dave Wannstedt's mustache makes an early appearance in a pre-game interview.
The early games have gotten underway. Trent Green's first pass was complete to Chad Scott for an easy touchdown.
Trent Green's second pass isn't as accurate; Mike Logan can't quite haul it in.
Terrell Owens goes down awkwardly... It looked like he may have been out for a few seconds. Jeff Garcia volunteered to perform CPR.
Early in the Jets/Fish game, it looks like Vinny Testaverde has gotten reacclimated to the idea that a first down requires 10 full yards.
Bill Cowher has, without question, the best red-flag toss in the league. It's better than most of Vinny's real passes.
Within 5 minutes of each other, Ahman Green, Jamal Lewis, and Dante Hall impressively get to the house.
Early in the Rams/49ers game, Marc Bulger is carving up the 49ers. T.O. has been concussed.
Charlie Sheen is on a CBS sitcom. I feel strangely disappointed.
A highly annoying 49ers fan is at work behind us. He's annoying, yes, but I wouldn't rank him among the most annoying sports bar fans of all time, as his rooting interest isn't for a team that's based in fantasy or completely loathsome. Still, though, I wish toss him from a 3rd-story window.
Chris Chambers make a sweet catch in the Fish/Jets game. It looks as if he has officially regained his balls.
Jeff Garcia follows T.O. to the sidelines, and the 49ers are in trouble. Thinking about the 49ers without Garcia or Owens... yuck.
Plaxico Burress is becoming a master of the art of the subtle push-off. It's just a little nudge to the back of a defender's pads before he goes up, almost completely unnoticeable in full speed. It's cheating, sure, but... it's very very good cheating.
The Fish take a 14-3 lead, and so much for Vinny's resurgence. Herman Edwards looks like he needs a hug. And a healthy Chad Pennington.
The Chiefs answer the Steelers with a nice long touchdown drive, consisting of a lot of Priest Holmes. This has the feel of a big early season game, with two good teams going toe-to-toe.
Alright, now Randy Quaid is on a CBS show. He's gone from Cousin Eddie to... a guy on a CBS show. If it wasn't for their NFL contract, would there be any need for CBS to exist? CBS has become the home of formerly likable actors who now just want to kick back and collect a fat weekly paycheck. Rick Vaughn, Cousin Eddie, Coach, the prison guard from the Green Mile. Thanks for being cool for a little while, fellas. Enjoy sucking on CBS.
Bill Cowher has been upset by something the referees have done, and one of them is now being submitted to a vicious Cowher Shower. The barrage of spit coming from his mouth makes it look like the Packers/Chiefs preseason game that was called because of rain. The players union and the officials need to get together before the season and make sure that Bill Cowher has had all his shots.
Blockbuster is giving away a free DVD that previews all of the new upcoming shows on CBS. Go ahead, we'll wait while you run to Blockbuster and get it.
Steve McNair suffers a gruesome finger injury. I'm not a doctor, but I know a finger isn't supposed to look like that. His ring finger is doing something freaky, and while I'm sure it hurts, a finger in that position would probably open up all kinds of new and exciting masturbation possibilities. The trainers ran out onto the field, and McNair waved them off and said, "Wait... I wanna try something first."
It's 27-20 at halftime of the Steelers/Chiefs game, and Randy Cross and his frosted mullet are talking about the excellent defense and inconsistent offense that's been played so far. Just thought I'd mention it.
Santana Moss takes Sam Madison out to the woodshed, toasting him down the sideline for a TD.
There is some kind of halftime ceremony honoring former Chiefs coach Hank Stramm. Yay. I'd like to matriculate my foot up his ass. I'm still a little bitter about last week's loss to the Chiefs. I won't apologize for it.
A depraved Quizno's commercial provides us with the visual of a guy sucking on a wolf. Seriously. A guy is shown laying down, with his lips pressed to the nether regions of a wolf. Tremendous marketing strategy, Quizno's. Nothing puts me in the mood for a sandwich like watching blatant bestiality. How did this commercial get past the focus groups? Was there a lot of market research suggesting that people wanted to see a wolf pleasured by a sandwich-loving male? Their new slogan is great, too. "Come to Quizno's. Suck off a wolf."
The Chiefs have taken control of the game. When their defense is playing well, the Chiefs look like a Super Bowl team.
Vinny is in midseason form. Down 21-10, he finds a wide open Patrick Surtain. "Vintage Vinny," says my buddy Chris.
Marc Bulger throws a TD strike. As he comes to the sidelines, he gets congratulations from Kurt Warner. The look on Bulger's face says, "Oh, hey old man... thanks a lot for your approval... and your job. Get your clipboard."
I'm trying to think of people that would make good candidates for a new CBS sitcom; people who fit the company mold of "Once likable, now irrelevant." Dennis Leary would make a fine candidate, I think. Matthew Broderick could get one. Ving Rhames should be popping up there any day now. Balki Bartokomous of Perfect Strangers, he's overdue for a spin-off.
Tommy Maddox, for no apparent reason, goes upside R-Kal Truluck's head. Down by three TDs, I see no reason why he shouldn't.
Jamal Lewis has gone buck wild, two days after being traded in my fantasy league. In one trade, this guy traded away Laveranues Coles, Jamal Lewis, and Patrick Ramsay. I'm guessing he did not enjoy his Sunday.
The 4 o'clock games get underway, and Reuben Droughns has scored on the Chargers. Congratulations to those of you who have him on your fantasy team.
My girlfriend starts her shift at about this time, and it appears that she is flirting with another guy. I've decided that we should have a very open relationship.
In the 1st quarter, Clinton Portis is on pace to annihilate Jamal Lewis's new rushing record. It won't happen, though, because either the Bolts defense will tighten up, or more likely, the Broncos will pull him from the game when they inevitably build a huge lead.
Our waitress is ending her shift, and she comes to give us the bill. She does, and walks away, and then turns back... at an unfortunate time. "She turned around and I was staring at her ass," says by buddy AJ.
The Chargers go down 14-0. The good news is that my girlfriend will be our new waitress. It would be a challenge for most couples, but we're going to do our best to maintain our intimacy through a dual relationship. If I catch A.J. staring at her ass, I will murder him with my butter knife.
Correll Buckhalter takes a carry for the Eagles, and as he turns the corner, an insane Eagles fan screams, "GO, PUSSY." Chris remarks that that sums up Eagles fans pretty well.
David Boston looks terrific on the sidelines, in his Chargers hat and diamond earring. I'm sure it's a look that he'll have a lot of opportunities to perfect over the course of the season.
Cooper Carlisle scores a TD against the Chargers. Again, congratulations to those of you who have him on your fantasy team.
Heard from the afore-mentioned insane Eagles fan, "YOU SUCK, TOM BRADY! I WANT YOU TO DIE!" Danks, in his Tom Brady jersey, offers no response.
My girlfriend smells like heaven. The way she empties an ashtray reminds me of how she will one day change the diapers of our children.
Jake Plummer gets hurt. I point this out to Chris, who has him on his fantasy team. "I don't give a fuck," is his response. It's good for owners to be able to accurately gauge the value of their players.
The Plummer injury, sadly, diminishes the Chargers chances for a comeback.
The Panthers have a shutout going against the Bucs...
There's a depraved Broncos fan couple sitting in front of us, and the guy has his hand a solid five inches down the back of her shorts. It's revolting. I can't really give any reasons for it, but these people just give off a very dirty sexual vibe. I bet they're going to Quizno's later.
The insane Eagles fan is screaming about Tom Brady not being able to throw a pass longer than 20 yards. Donovan McNabb is 0-5 on passes longer than 15 yards. Tom Brady completes a touchdown pass, and Danks looks across the room and goes, "Yeah, Tom Brady sucks." The Eagles are getting worked.
The Broncos kick a field goal, and I'm sure the guy sitting in front of us would've been clapping if he wasn't too busy fisting his girlfriend's ass in the middle of a sports bar. The Broncos/Chargers game is now officially a romp, and the 0'fer weekend is complete.
As an Eagles fan continues his bitching about Brady not being able to hit a pass longer than twenty yards, right on cue, Tom Brady launches a long touchdown pass. Insane Eagles fan is left without much to say.
A Bucs special teamer pats the referee on the ass after a call he agrees with. Classy move.
Edgerrin James looks like an evil Tracy Morgan.
The Bucs score what should be the game-winning TD. The Panthers take a time-out to ice Martin Grammatica for the extra point. The snap is blocked, the Panthers cave in the Tampa Bay line, and block the extra point. Unbelievable. I can't remember a more improbable play over the past few years.
At the end of the Eagles/Pats game, Donovan McNabb has a look on his face that's very reminiscent of Kordell Stewart.
Julius Peppers starts a fight with Kenyatta Walker, and it takes about half of the Panthers team to hold Peppers back. But they did, and Kenyatta Walker should write each of them thank-you notes.
The Bucs are trying to get in field goal range, but would it do any good? Martin Grammatica's brain has to be fried right now. He could possibly sky his next field goal attempt, and have it land softly at about the 10.
The Panthers complete the upset. An ugly, penalty-filled game, but the most entertaining game of the year thus far.
