Monday, September 22, 2003
| Week 03 - 2003/2004 |
I'm going to have to apologize in advance to the readers, but this week's Sunday at the sports bar was a little dirtier than usual. I don't have a concrete explanation for it. Perhaps it was the presence of a non-regular visitor. Perhaps it was the lack of Crazy Fish Guy's calming influence. Perhaps it was the fact that half the crew spent yesterday in College Park, Maryland watching the good guys lose 34-7. I don't know. But it got ugly quickly. If you're under 18, please read with a parent.
My big brother Dookie makes something of a surprise visit this weekend. He was nearby for a friend's wedding, but I wasn't sure if he'd swing by on Sunday or not. He did. At about 12:15, we walk in together, and he's telling me about this girl he was dancing with at the wedding last night. According to Dookie, she approached him on the dance floor, started grinding on him, and rubbing her ass all over him. Later, Dookie asks someone who the girl is, and as it turns out... she's 14. He'll have to wait to get her number.
It doesn't take long for the R. Kelly jokes to begin. I take my seat, turn to Chris, point to Dookie, and tell Chris to ask R. Kelly about the girl he danced with last night. Dookie retells the story, and Chris asks, "Did you pee on her?" We're not off to a good start.
Crazy Fish Guy is nowhere to be found. We check the schedule, and the Dolphins play the Sunday night game. This is not OK. I feel like a child the first night he's sleeping away from his parents.
Talking a little fantasy football before the game, Chris is talking about Derrick Mason, who leads the league in catches. "He's caught 20 balls." "Most of them off his chin," replies Sammy.
The three games on the early menu are Steelers/Bengals, Chiefs/Texans, and Falcons/Bucs. You know, people can say whatever they want about the Bengals, but the Bengal thing they have painted at midfield is very handsome. I like the stripes in the endzone, too. Even if they don't make the playoffs for the next 10 years, the award for most attractive paintjob on the field should go to the 'Gals.
Antwan Randle-El takes a reverse early in the Steelers game, and just makes some wicked moves, causing a series of Bengal-striped jock straps to be left on the field.
Jeff Reed misses a 23-yard field goal... by a pretty fair margin.
The Texans scouting department missed one little key detail on film this week: Priest Holmes is good. He just caught a pass downfield, no one within 10 yards of him on any side. Tremendous attention to detail, Texans.
Chad Johnson goes downfield and catches a pass, using a very Plaxico-like subtle push-off move. I'm pretty sure Chad Johnson has been watching Plaxico Burress tape.
Jason Gildon grabs an interception, and is on the ground before anyone touched him. Everyone in the bar screams at him to get up and run. He does. He fumbles. Everyone in the bar screams "YOU DUMB FUCK" at him.
Corey Dillon carries Kendrell Bell on his back for about three yards.
You know, it's bad enough that CBS subjects us to the same commercials about 86 times in one day; do they have to run the same ones from week to week? That guy in the shirt and tie diving off of the Survivor boat, I really can't see enough of that. By now, I've broken down his technique like he was Greg Louganis at the '84 Games.
Lord, why do you let these things happen. Warren Sapp just scored a touchdown, and did some kind of a dance he picked up in a gay bar on a San Francisco road trip, jumping up and down like a little girl. The man's ass is bigger than a few Central American countries. Some readers may remember me mentioning my "List of People I Want to Fight." Since it's highly unlikely that I'll ever have a real opportunity to fight anyone on the list, Warren Sapp is at the top of it. It pisses me off that they're playing in a dome, only because that makes the chances absolutely nil that he will get struck by lightning. Dan Reeves has the look of a man in need of some Zocor.
This commercial for the NFL Network that features a bunch of NFL coaches with their faces appearing on screen one after another... it serves as a tremendous reminder that the NFL coaching fraternity is white, white, white. Herm Edwards has a brief appearance, and then it's whitey, whitey, whitey, whitey, whitey, whitey, followed by another series of whiteys. It looks like a convention of Canadian gym teachers or something.
Craig Hentrich, on a fake punt for the Titans, throws a nice little sidearm laser for a first down. The Jets should call and inquire about his availability.
Jabbar Gaffney makes an incredible catch in the Texans game, falling down to the ground, and using all hands to pick a ball out of the air, about six inches from the ground as he was falling away from it. I think it's the first ever NFL catch for a receiver from Florida.
This little "Sappzilla" promo thing that Fox keeps running perfectly illustrates just why Warren Sapp and Fox are both so annoying. Sapp is desperate to get himself attention by showing off and yapping, and Fox is desperate to glorify these people. I give it a couple of months before Fox launches some kind of a Warren Sapp reality show.
As comely as the endzones and midfield are in Cincinatti, why the hell is one side of their stadium crooked? It's like someone thought it would be funny to let the drunk guy at the construction crew be in charge of the level one day.
Jay Riemersma streaking down the sideline... looks nothing at all like Plaxico Burress streaking down the sideline. Just thought I'd mention it.
I don't know if Bill Cowher is scarier when he's happy, or scarier when he's pissed off.
A nice little zoomed-in shot of Dan Reeves screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING?!" Get him some Zocor... before it's too late.
Danks spots a Bengals cheerleader as someone he's seen before in Maxim. I've grown to accept his love of Nascar and the Red Sox, I can even adjust to being seen with a dude in a Tom Brady jersey, but it's like he wants to find new and creative ways to embarrass me every week.
Joey Porter records a sack for the Steelers, and Elissa, in all sincerity, says during the celebration, "Don't slap him on the butt!"
Sammy went to a Pittsburgh Pirates game this week, and saw someone selling t-shirts that said, "Where was Ray Lewis when Joey Porter was shot?"
The Chiefs kicker, Jon Baker (a former Edmonton Eskimo), makes a pretty decent hit after a kickoff, driving some Texan way out of bounds... and then stands over him and talks some smack.
The Chiefs are routing the Texans, and it's looking like the Chargers will have stayed closer in score to the Chiefs than anyone else has thus far. MORAL VICTORY, BABY. I'm starting to feel good about the Bolts 4 o'clock game against the Ravens.
Some idiot at the next table keeps yelling, "HE'S FAT" every time Jerome Bettis touches the ball for the Steelers. He does it during replays, too, and unfortunately, the Steelers are feeding him the ball right now. I've heard the same thing screamed about 65 times. What tremendous powers of observation this man has. It won't be long before he's screaming, "HE HAS A MUSTACHE," every time Bill Cowher is on camera, or "HE'S #86" every time Hines Ward catches a ball.
Vinny throws an interception (shocking, I know), and Danks lets out the customary, "THANK YOU, VINNY!" You know, it seems like every week, someone is screaming, "THANK YOU, VINNY!"... and it's never a Jets fan.
Ellis Wyms and Warren Sapp are having a pretty heated argument on the sidelines... Monte Kiffin separates them, but it looked like they were pretty close to coming to blows. Ellis Wyms is now, my far, by favorite Tampa Bay Buccaneer. In fact, Warren Sapp has also topped my List of People I'd Like Ellis Wyms to Fight.
The Chiefs are up 35-7 in the 4th quarter against Houston, and Dick Vermeil is going deep. May the Lord inflict him with syphillis.
A borderline senior-citizen Ravens fan couple walks into the bar, and they sit down about 2 feet away from me. The guy reeks of cologne, which is understandable, it would take a lot to wash away the odor of Baltimore, a curious mix of crabs and murder.
Now the afore-mentioned idiot yells, "FAT BACK" after an Amos Zereoue carry. What a douche.
The Steelers/Bengals game comes to a quick end, and there's a bit of a channel controversy. The manager of the bar changes it to Fox before the 49ers/Giants game starts, and we get to see about 5 minutes of an infomercial for the ThermoSpa. The Jets/Pats game is coming down to the wire, and I'm seeing a grandmother and a guy with a gorilla chest in a hot tub. A barrage of comments emanates from our table. Sammy is chanting, "THER-MO-SPA! THER-MO-SPA!" They zoom in on the jets of the hot tub, and I scream, "THOSE AREN'T THE JETS WE WANNA SEE." An 80-year-old lady is shown in the ThermoSpa again, and a few people make comments about things they'd like to do to her. They make the earlier R. Kelly/pee comments seem tame. They finally get the Jets/Pats game on, and Dan Stryzinski goes down with an injury. "PUT HIM IN THE THERMOSPA."
The Texans are down 42-14, and are onside-kicking. The Falcons are down 31-10, and they're going deep and calling timeouts. Both games are under 1:30 from being over. Let the dreams die, fellas.
The Chargers powder blue uniforms... breathtaking. They are more attractive than most girls I've slept with.
Ravens fans are streaming in, this is ridiculous. There's probably close to 10, all told. Sadly... I am the lone Chargers fan. That seems to be pretty consistent from week to week.
The 4 o'clock games get underway, and the Chargers look nothing like the Chargers of weeks one and two. They are running the ball, they are stopping the run. I haven't been this happy since I was a little girl.
A key 3rd and 9 early in the Chargers/Ravens game, and exactly one of the Ravens fans is paying attention to the TV. He seems to be falling in love with Jeremy Shockey on the middle TV.
After Jamal Lewis's prediction that LaDainian Tomlinson wouldn't be able to run on the Ravens, he racks up 38 yards on the opening drive.
I'm not usually one given to this sort of thing, but the Chargers Cheerleaders throwback uniforms... wow. I may need some alone-time at the half. They're an old gold sweater type of thing, with a yellow skirt, and powder blue trim. They are the sexist cheerleader uniforms in the NFL, way better than any of the "how much can we show without showing actual nipple" uniforms of any other group.
Jeff Blake sacrifices his body for a Cardinals TD. Props to Jeff Blake and all, but he took a pretty good shot to the lower back with someone's helmet. It was an admirable play, but when the Cards are 3-13, and his kidneys start malfunctioning, is it a decision he'll be happy with?
I see a highlight of Steve McNair throwing a touchdown pass while someone is pulling him down by his shoulder pads from behind. It's the kind of thing that normal human beings can't do.
The Ravens score the gayest touchdown in the history of the NFL. Jamal Lewis gains three yards, is bottled up, fumbles forwards, it bounces right into the arms of someone named Ricard, and he takes it to the house. A few Ravens fans notice.
The old Ravens fan couple sitting in front of me is holding hands across the table. I'm hoping there's not a repeat of last week's mid-game ass-fisting carried out by the old Broncos fan couple. The place will run out of Handi-Wipes.
None of the Ravens fans in the bar are being particularly annoying, despite the weak TD, but there is a fantasy fan behind me, who's rooting for someone in every game. I hope the e coli virus is present in his chicken wings.
It looks to me like Ray Lewis has lost a step. He's just not making plays like he has in the past. Chris comments that he thinks the Ravens switch to the 3-4 is hurting him. In a 3-4, at least one linebacker is going to have to take on offensive lineman, and that's not Ray-Ray's specialty. In the 4-3, they can just put him in the middle and tell him to run around and make plays. The 3-4 limits him.
The Chargers owned the first half, but the Ravens owned the 2nd. They've taken a 21-3 lead, and are running the ball with ease. I hope the official aims his next penalty flag at Orlando Brown's bad eye. In fact, I hope the Chargers load up their cannon and point it at Orlando Brown's bad eye.
I am not a good loser. Unfortunate, because the Chargers look primed to do a lot of losing.
Just as the day began with some dirtiness, so will it end, it seems. We were appointed a new waitress while I was in the bathroom, and she's pointed out to me from across the room. She has, for lack of a better term... a big set. Danks remarks that the girl is in his Spanish class, and I ask, "What's Spanish for 'giant hooters?'"... at the exact moment she walks by. That... was unfortunate. I am ashamed.
This, of course, sparks a lengthy conversation about Spanish profanity, each member of the table showing off their knowledge. A.J., as it turns out, is something of an expert, saying things that would make a Spanish sailor blush. We all kind of look at him, and he says, "I used to have Hispanic orgies."
The above line was left blank because I needed a minute to process the "I used to have Hispanic orgies" comment.
As it turns out, "Hispanic Orgies" was the name of an adult video that A.J. owned. I am somewhat relieved, and I never thought I'd be happy about the fact that one of my friends owned a "Hispanic Orgies" video, but compared to what I thought a minute ago, I'm pretty happy.
Drew Brees goal-line interception kills any hope of a Chargers comeback. Three weeks into the season, I've become accustomed to losing.
