Monday, September 29, 2003
| Week 04 - 2003/2004 |
When I awoke this morning, the day was agreeable. It wasn't particularly sunny, but it wasn't particularly dark, and the feel of the cool air against my skin was pleasant. As the morning progressed, the day grew darker and darker. Rain steadily fell. The day became bleak. Somber. Tedious. It was the day of the Raiders game. At 7:30, either the clouds will lift, life will be effused into the day, and we will all rejoice, or the Stygian gloom was make itself permanent, and we can forget about happy thoughts until Monday.
Not a particularly cheerful way to open the Smorgasbord, I know, but unfortunately I don't have a fucking time machine that will let me go back to a time and place in which I was a happy person. Oh, and I'm going to use the word 'fuck' a lot. It can't be helped. Motherfucker.
I get to the bar and take my usual seat. AJ is already in the house. "Danks isn't coming today," he says with a knowing half-smile. I ask why not. "F-1 Indy." Danks, congratulations, you've managed to make me embarrassed by your behavior on the 4th consecutive Sunday... and this time, you didn't even need to be in the same building. Well done.
Jamal Anderson interviews Joey Porter on ESPN's pregame show, and they show some of the Ray Lewis/Porter conversations before the game in Pittsburgh. Ray-Ray, if you remember, said he told Porter before the game that he was in his prayers. They zoomed in on him and played the tape, and I don't know what he was saying, but it was loud, angry, and profane, and unless he's some crazy motherfucker Baptist or something, prayer was definitely not involved.
Warren Sapp is on CBS's pregame show. Simeon Rice and John Lynch are on Fox's. Sapp is dancing. I hope he tears his ACL.
On ESPN, Steve Young is explaining some of the nuances of the quarterback scramble, and I'm thinking about how this knowledge can help me in Madden. I have problems.
Rush Limbaugh on ESPN is like Gretchen Mol in Rounders. Likable people are doing cool things, engrossing, entertaining, and and every now and then, Rush Mol has to insert his unsightly mug to bring all entertainment value to a discourteous halt.
Subway has a new commercial featuring a middle-aged man washing his car in a Kentucky cheerleader outfit, skirt and all. I don't know why. Do Sub chains *have* to have advertising like this? It's not as bad as Quizno's, but neither "Dude sucking off a wolf," or "Old man dancing and cheering as he washes his car," appear on the list of things MJD ever wants to see.
Crasy Fish Guy is not here today. Neither is my girlfriend. I hope they're not together somewhere, it will pain me to beat the fuck out of Crazy Fish Guy.
The early games are Steelers/Titans, Browns/Bengals, and Vikings/49ers.
Early in the Vikings game, Randy Moss is looking like the rookie version of Randy Moss, where he is doing things that the defense is powerless to stop. This is what Randy does. Maybe Gus Frerotte can just chuck it deep for Randy to go get better than Daunte Culpepper can.
The Browns take the opening kickoff to the house, but the Bengals respond with a very efficient and impressive drive to tie it up. The Bengals are decent. Seriously.
Jeff Garcia throws an interception, and on the return, Terrell Owens is engaged by a Vikings blocker, and just keeps backing up, seemingly happy to do so. It's like he's telling the guy, "Yo, keep blocking me, that's it, good job, keep blocking me so it looks like I'm actually doing something."
A.J.'s mother makes a brief stop at the bar today, just as William Green is knocked out cold. Chris remarks that playing with a concussion would be about like playing with 14 beers in you, and I point to A.J. (who can put away Natural Light with the best of them), and remark that 14 beers wouldn't put a dent in his playing ability. Just as his mother walks by.
The Vikings are putting a serious pounding on the 49ers. It's 21-0, but really, it's not that close.
The Steelers are, offensively and defensively, very impressive in the first half against the Titans. After a TD, Bill Cowher... I can't describe it. He looks like he's accusing someone of stealing one of his multi-colored sweaters, but he's happy. He's frothing at the mouth, congratulations the offense, defense, special teams, equipment managers. He is insane.
Gus Frerotte continues to carve up the 49ers. It doesn't look like the two teams are even playing the same sport.
Drew Bennett is abusing the Steelers secondary. CBS gives us a shot of him on the sidelines, and Drew Bennett... does not look like an NFL wide receiver. He looks like someone that goes to about 24 Phish concerts a year.
Jeff Fisher is throwing a temper tantrum on the Titans sidelines, jumping around, with his sunglasses around his neck, he looks... well, he kinda looks like a little girl. Little bit different vibe than the one given off by Bill Cowher.
49ers fans are calling for Ken Dorsey. That is not a sign of a Super Bowl contender.
Call me crazy, but I don't think Daunte Culpepper should be seeing the field again for the Vikings anytime soon. Gus Frerotte just seems to know what needs to be done, and he's doing it. Daunte has not been. Fuck all that, "You can't lose your job to injury" talk; I'm not asking for his paycheck to be rescinded, he just shouldn't start anymore.
A Jaguars special teamer absolutely mauls a Texans punt returner, about two seconds before the punt actually arrives. That... that's not legal.
Kevin Garnett is in the house at the Vikings game. He seems to have a look on his face that says, "You expect me to sign, before the season, a contract that isn't for the max? Yeah. And Ahmed Plummer is going to shut down Randy Moss." Or... perhaps I'm imagining that look.
Steve McNair continues to make plays with 300-pound men hanging off of him. It's amazing. If the guy was getting hit by a moving van while crazed woodpeckers snapped at his nipples and lightning struck him, he could still get off a 4-yard completion.
The Steelers can dominate in stretches, but their secondary absolutely will not allow them to become an excellent team. Too many breakdowns, and it sucks the life out of the team. Momentum vanishes when Chad Scott has to defend a deep ball.
About this time, I get nervous and twitchy. Bile builds up inside me. I can taste the hate. I detest anything silver or black. Black in the traditional sense, of course, not referring to, you know... the race of people. Unless they happen to play for or like the Raiders.
It's 35-0 in the 4th quarter, and Mike Tice is still airing it out to Randy. It's as if he's discovered all the fun and joy that Randy Moss can bring the for the first time. He's like me when Madden 2004 came out. It's getting late, and I'm accomplishing nothing, but dammit, but it's too much fun to let go.
Maybe it's just me, but there have been a few occasions in this game where T.O. had a ball thrown to him and he didn't come close to making a play on it, where Randy Moss would've had a very good shot at coming down with the same ball.
Tim Couch throws a clutch interception (I know, I'm shocked too), and the 'Gals get a W.
Some guy named Boiman for the Titans has a safety and an INT return for a touchdown. Congratulations to all of you that have him on your fantasy teams. Incidentally, his hair makes Carrot Top's look normal.
I don't know how much Plaxico Burress spends on getting his hair cornrowed, but it's worth it. Those are sweet.
The Steelers go down hard again, the Bengals and 49ers have wrapped things up, and the 4 o'clock games are underway. Only one of them will get any of my attention.
The width of Quentin Jammer's nose is comparable to the width of Daunte Culpepper's ass. Just thought I'd mention it.
A cutaway to the end of the Texans/Jags game shows a Texans fan deeply immersed in prayer. I don't think God is listening, pal.
LaDainian Tomlinson throws a touchdown pass to Drew Brees, who will be serving as the Chargers #2 wideout today.
LT is running with absolute ease against the Raiders. The Chargers offensive line, horrible in weeks 1 and 2, and down two starters, looks outstanding. Major props to Hudson Houck.
The Texans, at the 1, down 3 points with 1 second remaining... are going for the win. I could not disagree more, but you know... on a certain level, I admire the wang involved. David Carr goes over the top, and it pays off. Exciting moment for the young Texans franchise.
To this point, there is not a sign of a Raiders fan in the building. There must also be a Klan meeting in the area right now.
#57 for the Raiders goes upside Drew Brees's head for no reason. The Raiders, a personal foul? Ya don't say.
A large and prominent sign that reads "TRUST JESUS" is being held up in the Raiders "Black Hole" (the seating section affectionately named after the cavernous vagina of Bill Romanowski's mother), and I'm glad the sign exists. Looking at the Raiders fans, one might start to lose faith in any higher being, so I'm glad the sign is there to serve as a friendly reminder that despite the impure things going on in Oakland right now, someone is watching over us.
The Raiders personal foul tally climbs to 2.
Chris Meyers is doing sideline reporting for Fox, which I find to be ridiculous. Chris Meyers is a talented guy who does his job very well, and Fox has him on the sidelines of a game that isn't even their #1 game? Ridiculous. Chris Meyers is the closest thing anyone else has to Ernie Johnson. He needs to host his own pregame show.
A McDonalds commercial (which shows thin and active kids playing soccer after stuffing themselves full of french fries, shows kids in shopping carts, racing through a parking lot. What a healthy and safe activity to be promoting to our youngsters.
The Chargers look good today, but you know... If we go 2-14, but the two wins are against the Raiders... I'll be OK.
LT takes an absolutely gorgeous 55-yard run to the house, through a tremendous hole in the offensive line. Daunte Culpepper and Warren Sapp could've tango'd through that hole together. Rod Woodson tried to catch LT, and it was actually kind of sad... but still funny.
I would like someone to run John Parrella's jugular vein through a bandsaw. Just thought I'd mention it.
Cop at a Raiders home game... that can't be what that guy was envisioning when he joined the force. He showed up to work the first day and was like, "Yo, what are we doing today? Busting a drug ring, investigating a murder, what?" "No, today you'll be doing to the Raiders game and overseeing people dressed like Darth Vader as the embarrass themselves, their families, and the entire community. They are knife-wielding heathens with a need to pretend that they're tough, and they are likely to urinate all over themselves. Here's your flashlight."
Jake Plummer is 16/17 for 180 yards at the half. I don't quite know what to say.
A Raiders fan walks in at the half. Superfan was probably busy in the first half date-raping someone.
4th down and 6 in Raiders territory, and Marty Schottenheimer puts his wang on display. It's complete to Dondre Gilliam, who literally watched the last Chargers game at home on TV.
Rod Smart, you know I don't hate you, man... but what the fuck is going on with your hair? It's not an afro, it's not a mullett, it's just... large, unkempt, and a little bit frightening. Do you not visit the barber because he hate you?
Jerry Rice has the drops, and speaking of bad haircuts, when is the last time someone successfully pulled off the balding-cornrow-mullett look?
Y'know, I've got to give props to the late-arriving Raiders fan. He has been well-behaved to this point.
Alvis Whitted catches a touchdown pass, and the Chargers lead had whithered to 7. We always do this, we make a hero out of some fucking loser. It won't be Jerry Rice that beats us, it'll be Alvis fucking Whitted. "Black man's gone through life with the name Alvis," remarks AJ, sympathetically.
Rookie safety Jerry Wilson takes a 15-yard personal foul penalty for rudely interrupting the Raiders TD celebration. I have no problem with it.
The Chargers punt in overtime, and David Binn, Bolts long snapper, grabbed the return man and tried to throw him into the ball, so he would touch it first and the Bolts could pick it up. Tremendous initiative and creativity shown by David Binn.
Overtime against the Raiders, and injuries have made it so that Kevin House is going man-to-man against Jerry Rice. I think the Raiders might like that matchup.
I'm not doing to go into detail about what happened next, but my drive home was not a happy one. I couldn't wait to get to stoplights, so I could just throw things angrily in my car.
You know the Raiders fan that I complimented earlier? I didn't mean it. He has no value as a human being. He looks like Rich Gannon. I want to put his fucking head through a window.
The sky is dark and caliginous. I wish to speak to no one, about anything. I later in the evening refused a phone call from my own brother. Right now, self-pity is my only friend, and he is clinging to me tightly.
I hope, dear reader, that you have enjoyed this week's Smorgasbord, as certain parts of it were not written easily. I hope the sun returns tomorrow.
