Monday, October 06, 2003
| Week 05 - 2003/2004 |
0-4 for the Chargers. I'd ask if it can get worse, but the Ryan Leaf era wasn't that long ago, so I'm pretty fucking sure it can get worse. Tonight, I thought about it and figured that it had been 10 months since a football team that I support has won a meaningful game. Just one win in that time period, and it was against a team that could be beaten by the Keanu Reeves team in The Replacements. And I don't mean his character, the fictional guy, I mean the real Keanu Reeves.
The Steelers were scheduled for a night game, which meant a sparse crowd at the bar today. But that didn't mean it would be uneventful. The early games were Cowboys/Cardinals, Denver/KC, and Atlanta/Minnesota.
It's a smaller crowd this week... just 3 people at our table. We take our seats and the sound in the bar is tuned to the radio, and not the pregame shows, which is terrific because Uncle Kracker is way more important to me than Gameday crew's comments about the Rush Limbaugh situation. Chris remarks that he could write a song just as good as the Uncle Kracker song in under 30 minutes, lyrics included. I think he's wrong... I say 10 minutes, tops.
I'm about to put out an APB on Crazy Fish Guy. The Fish game must've been on local TV, because he wasn't around. I feel like a kid who's dad went out to get cigarettes, and 3 days later, still hasn't returned. My girlfriend isn't around either... I'm becoming convinced that they're enjoying a tryst at a cheap neighborhood hotel. Bad vibe early.
They're speculating on Gameday that the winner of the Denver/KC game is going to win the AFC. It's still the first week in October, right? OK, just checking.
We've got a new waitress this week. I've never seen her here before, but she's really sweet and attentive, and it almost seems like she wants to replace my current girlfriend. You know, the other very sweet waitress who I've managed to convince myself is in love with me. The new girl is tempting me with courteous smiles and quick re-fills... but I will be strong, and remain loyal to my baby, imaginary as she may be.
Donovan McNabb is in a new Visa commercial. It wasn't very good, but I'm sure the media will make it out to be the greatest commercial in the history of network television... they really want to see commercials with black people succeed.
Say, do the Kansas City Chiefs have set plays for their running game, or is it just hand the ball to Priest on the left, or hand the ball to Priest on the right? He's an absolutely brilliant runner. He sees the play develop, and reacts quickly and smoothly.
The highly-anticipated Quincy Carter/Jeff Blake showdown is underway, or as it's called in the Limbaugh household, the "Affirmative Action Bowl." I think there's a vast media conspiracy underway because a black quarterback is touching the ball on virtually every play.
Sebastian Janikowski missed an early extra point against the Bears. The good news is that if he feels too bad about it, he can just pop some e, and feel up the long snapper, and all will be well.
Quincy Carter unloads a nice deep ball to Terry Glenn, who was 10 yards open in all directions. The instant replay shows that Joey Galloway is just as wide open on the other side. Glenn has an... unusual TD dance. I think it's called the "I see the endzone about once every 14 Months" dance. He may hurt himself.
The Cards respond with a quick TD pass. It's an action-packed game early on, and Quincy Carter and Jeff Blake's accomplishments aren't being propped up by the media, but by each other's respective teams.
Tim Duncan apparently kicks for Arizona now. Good to see him finding work in the offseason.
Some genius fan behind me screams, "Oh, you stupid quarterback!" What tremendous analysis. Y'know, if I should someday be blessed with a daughter, that's the kind of thing I'll expect her to say when she turns about 6.
Quincy Carter throws another strike, this one to... I dunno, some anonymous Dallas Cowboy, but that's not really the point. Quincy Carter throws an excellent ball, it reminds me of John Elway's.
I didn't know that big cartoon Cowboys mascot existed... it's a little embarrassing. It looks like the abused nephew of Ole Miss's Rebel mascot guy. I don't know if they're actually related, but if not, they probably attend Mascot Klan meetings together.
If you remember Week 1 when I bitched about Quincy Carter's Breathe Right strip... it has returned. It just looks so ridiculous, and it makes me uncomfortable. Is he going for a Nelly-like fashion statement? It's embarrassing on Nelly (much like everything else about Nelly), and it's worse on Q. I researched it, and the Breathe Right company does in fact make clear ones, which might be more appropriate for a man of his complexion. I've written to them and asked that they send a free case to Quincy Carter. Please do the same: CNS Inc., 20 Troy Road, Whippany, NJ 07981.
Gus Frerotte finds Randy Moss for a deep touchdown. With every TD pass Gus Frerotte throws, Daunte Culpepper's prognosis gets worse. I think he was just downgraded to questionable for the next Vikings game.
He Hate Me takes a kickoff to the house, and he looks like the happiest man in the universe. He's pounding his chest, flailing about, just going buck wild... good for him. I hope he's finding a place where he feels accepted and appreciated. He should put "YOU LOVE ME?" on the back of his jersey for the next home game.
Emmitt Smith is getting housed in the Cardinals game. And now he's leaving with a sprained right shoulder.
Marcell Shipp enters the game... and now he is getting housed.
Micheal Vick's earrings are out of control. Someone stole the Hope Diamond, sawed it in half and stuck the pieces in his ears. If he ever plays in Dallas, they might be confused for the big star at midfield.
Another absolutely brutal Subway commercial. I'm not going to recap it, it involved a grease fire and a burning shed or something, I don't know. I'm about to swear off Subway forever, just because of their commercials... it's that bad. I wish Jared would just take his spot on Hollywood Squares, or some "celebrity" reality show and just stay the fuck away from any TV show that I might consider watching.
Is it wrong for me to want Arrowhead Stadium to burn down? "ARROWHEAD ARSON" would make a great headline, that's all I'm saying. It just rolls off the tongue.
Randy Cross is absolutely fixated on the fact that the Chiefs crowd is late getting back into their seats at halftime. He's very offended. He won't let it go. I can see him in the booth running his hand through his million-dollar mullet.
Johnnie Morton busts out the worm after a touchdown. I haven't seen that move executed since "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo." His technique is flawless. Outstanding work, Johnnie Morton.
The Cowboys record safeties of the Cardinals on back-to-back possessions. How often does that happen?
Last three Cardinals drives: -1 yards, safety. -3 yards, safety. 3 yards, interception. Impressive.
Chris and I get deep into a discussion about punters' facemasks. Gary Anderson and the Cardinals punter both have the 1-bar facemask, and the Cardinals guy even has his bent down around his neck. His face isn't protected at all. Did these guys not see the Ryan Barker incident last year at Thanksgiving? The guy's nose was about where his left shoulder should be. About the same size, too. And they have no desire to protect their faces?
Moe Williams scores an easy TD for the Vikes. The Vikings offense is a well-oiled machine behind Gus Frerotte. Yep... Gus Frerotte. Daunte Culpepper has been downgraded to doubtful.
A commercial for AOL promises to block internet pop-up ads. There's a woman in the background, certain parts of her body being increasingly covered by pop-up ads on the television. They do end up giving a courtesy ass shot before going back to the AOL logo. Tremendous marketing strategy. "Use AOL, get to the titties much faster." Can no one advertise a product anymore without objectifying women?
Dante Hall takes a kick back... he is not human. Has a special teamer ever been the league MVP? Instant replay shows two pretty blatant illegal blocks in the back, but... whatever. It was money.
Up by 1 point with 2:20 to play... Priest Holmes coughs it up.
Fox has a new show this season called "Skin". I suppose it was only a matter of time, really. I can't wait until next season for the series premiere of their hot new show, "Muff".
And the Bears take down the Raiders... I'm thrilled, don't get me wrong, but that's one less winless team. At the end of the day, only two teams will remain winless, and I really don't want the Chargers to be one of them.
Jake Plummer folds in the clutch, and people are acting surprised. I know he's wearing different colors now, but... y'know, he is still Jake Plummer.
The Chargers game is underway, and the Bolts seem determined to make Byron Leftwich's second career start a successful one. You really have to admire their kindness, trying to make things easier on the young rookie. It feels so good to be a Chargers fan right now. We're like the Red Cross of the NFL, finding a way for troubled teams to get victories when they need them the most.
Normally at the sports bar, the Redskins game is on in the back room, and I've always been very supportive of the Redskins fan segregation. Today, they're on in the front room, and I'll be hearing Redskins fans yelling, "GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM!" about 1,827 times over the course of the afternoon. An average of about 114 times on each Donovan McNabb scramble.
Touchdown Jaguars. The Chargers are such a benevolent organization, I feel so much love for them right now.
David Boston catches a pass and drags a Jags defensive back for about 12 yards.
Jimmy Smith, making his return to the line-up from a drug suspension, hauls in the first of what I'm sure will be many receptions today. There is no limit to the generosity of the Chargers.
Donovan McNabb throws a TD pass, clearly due to affirmative action. It was about 4 yards to the fullback, but the press box explodes with joy, and they start telling stories about it, how Donovan McNabb fought through 192 defenders, launched a 98-yard pass and hit a receiver in the chest. They are really desirous that he succeed.
Unfortunately, it was a white guy that caught McNabb's TD pass. The media has been very desirous that a black receiver finally steps up and succeeds in the NFL.
Jimmy Smith hauls in a one-hander that wouldn't have been possible without his extra-long coke nail.
Dre Bly takes an interception away from Terrell Owens, and I hope his offensive coordinator tears into him on the sideline, screaming at him and insulting his mother. Fair is fair.
Donovan McNabb throws an interception. I only mention it here because the media probably won't report it.
For the Bolts, every possible aspect of the game has been terrible, except for David Boston. Still, we trail by only 3 at the half.
Emmitt Smith's postgame comments were... a little sad. He was talking about how his performance didn't matter, about how watching his daughter playing soccer was what it was all about, and if that's how he feels, that's outstanding. Really. But I don't think the Cardinals signed him to a big contract because of his youth-soccer-observing abilities. I don't mean to be too much of a dick, but really, is that fair to his team? Maybe next Sunday, they should all just skip the game and head to Emmitt's girl's soccer game. They might all be happier people.
David Boston and Jimmy Smith are both having huge games, and soon, every team in the league will be stockpiling receivers with past drug histories.
Drew Brees is the best blocking quarterback in the NFL. Unfortunately, he is about the 25th most accurate passer.
The Chargers start the 2nd half with a very nice drive... until fumbling it away inside the Jags 10. They proceed to give up an easy touchdown. On the next possession, David Boston takes a screen pass, runs 10 yards backwards, and decides he doesn't want the football anymore. He just tosses it. Tremendous. What did they do at halftime, chug Nyquil?
By the way, the waitress who wanted to be my girlfriend has ended her shift and is now sitting with some dude. Any chance we had at an imaginary relationship is now GONE, missy. I knew I shouldn't have been tempted by her... the unscrupulous harlot.
Cris Collinsworth comments that the sports world is "far ahead" of the rest of society in terms of race relations. I'd never expect Cris Collinsworth to think about it, but what does that say about where black people are accepted and where they aren't? Sports, music, and... where else? Why is it that way? And does that really count as being ahead?
It's becoming increasingly evident that the Chargers aren't going to win. The defense has tightened up in the 2nd half, but... we can't move the ball. The lead is only 13 with 8 minutes left, but it seems insurmountable. At what point do I pull the plug and go home? Not yet... there is still a bit of faith that hasn't yet been beaten out of me.
Chad Morton of the Redskins is wearing a stars-and-stripes Breathe Right strip, just a little bit less ridiculous than Quincy Carter's.
The Jaguars mascot is bungee jumping from the top of the scoreboard. I hope the cord breaks.
A key 3rd and 4 in the Chargers game, 3 and a half minutes left, Jags have a 6 point lead and the ball. We need it back. 3rd and 4, and...
I DON'T THINK YOU GOT THERE, BITCH.
The referee, however, disagrees with me. According to CBS's yellow line, he was two feet short... and on the measurement, he has it by the entire length of the football. Worst spot in the history of the NFL.
A bit later, it's 3rd and 8 for the Jags, 2:00 left... there's still time for a stop and a score. 3rd and 8, and...
Fred Taylor takes a screen pass to the house.
Plug... pulled.
