Monday, October 13, 2003
| Week 06 - 2003/2004 |
Usually when someone says, "The bye week is coming at a really good time," it's because the team has played a few very physical games in a row, needs some time to get some bruises and nicks healed up, etc... but for me this week, the Chargers bye comes at a really good time because I'd really like to have a Sunday where I don't go home and cry for about an hour.
The bye week also meant that I'd get to see more actual good football games, and there were some classics on the slate today. Colts/Panthers, Cowboys/Eagles, and Sapp/Arrington all had a certain amount of intrigue, and I wouldn't have to miss any of them so I could better focus on the Chargers offensive line's 3-and-a-half hour game of "OLE!"
Oh, we're off to a solid start this week. Our waitress... is my girlfriend. I'm telling you, no one waits a table like this woman. She's amazing... constant attention, bright smiles, a completely imaginary love of me... it just doesn't get any better. I watch her wait other tables, and she's just as nice to all of them, and it occurs to me that maybe she really isn't in love with me, but is just nice to everyone... but then I think about how great it is that, despite her feelings for me, she is able to focus on the rest of her job, and treat all of the common people just as she does me, her one true love. She's amazing.
I'm sitting next to an Eagles fan, which has me concerned... and even worse, he's feeling chatty. He asks me who's my favorite team, and I tell him it's the Chargers, and he says, "Oh yeah, I remember you from like three years ago. You were sitting right there." Yes... that was me.
A sports bar regular who I don't really know has a seat at the end of our table... He's a serious fantasy fan, he carries a notebook listing the players from all three of his teams, and he's also feeling chatty. The guy is on crutches, and strangely, so is his girlfriend... and of course, my buddy Sammy asks if they can still find a way to have sex. You'll be happy to know they can.
Terry Bradshaw is annoying all hell. When I come here, I never get a choice in what pre-game show I'm going to watch, and I'm starting to think I might prefer an hour of Rush Limbaugh to Terry Bradshaw. He's like a child who thinks he knows something and can't wait to prove how smart and funny he is, so he'll scream, run around, jump up and down for attention, and I find myself just wishing he had been aborted. I can imagine that he would appeal very much to the NASCAR fans of the football community.
Usually, Redskins games and Giants games are confined to the back room, so the animalistic fans of the NFC East are usually kept apart from the decent God-fearing general population. This week, fans of the Eagles, Cowboys, and Redskins are all in the same room with me, and I think it's mostly Eagles fans. I feel like I'm in the zoo on the wrong side of the cage.
Warren Sapp ran around the Redskins warm-up lines, not through them. Pussy.
Terry Bradshaw and Cris Collinsworth have similar mullets. It's like they both secretly love the mullet, but are afraid to let it go in full force. It just cascades safely halfway down their neck, neatly gelled or moussed. It's very weak. Let your inner desire for a mullet run wild, fellas, don't hide from it.
The Eagles attempt an opening-game onside kick... and the Cowboys take it the other way to the house. That didn't work out too well for the Eagles fans in the room.
At least nine people in here have the Bud Light "Brian Henderson of 12 Maple Lane" commercial memorized. That commercial is being treated like high art by the football fans of America.
Quincy Carter takes the field... and the Breathe Right people are ignoring me. I'm going to keep writing them. I'm going to be like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank, requesting funds for the prison library. They can't ignore me forever.
A Donovan McNabb pass is batted down at the line of scrimmage, and a mastermind fan on the other side of me says, "Couldn't he see his hand right there?"
I'm hearing lots of "GET 'EM, GET 'EM, GET 'EM"s today. It's parents weekend at the university, so there's a lot of 40-50 year old men around who just spent some time in a college atmosphere and still think they're young and cool. They aren't.
Joe Buck is off somewhere else this week, annoying a whole other group of people, so Dick Stockton is in for him this week on Fox's #1 broadcast team. Switching to Dick Stockton from Joe Buck is like switching to Cristal after an evening of pounding Mad Dog.
Sammy calls my girlfriend by her first name. I think he's getting just a little bit too intimate with her. I am the jealous type.
I'm overhearing a conversation that's taking place next to me between a mother and a father of a local university student. The one father (same guy who made the inspired "Couldn't he see his hand right there?" comment) is trying to rationalize the fact that his daughter didn't spend much time with him this weekend, saying that she has a job, a boyfriend, her studies, etc. Maybe that's it, pal, or maybe she's like everyone else in the world and thinks you're an annoying knob.
Eagles fans like to spell out "E-A-G-L-E-S" after they score. I wonder why the Buccaneers don't do this. Sammy speculates that if the Eagles fans had to spell out Philadelphia, half of them would start it with, "F-I-L-L..."
Steven Davis is bouncing off Colts defenders like a pinball, shedding at least four tackles on his way to the house. The Panthers play tough defense and have a physical running game. Those two things never go out of style.
The chatty Eagles fans next to me was running a little smack at halftime of the Eagles/Cowboys game, accusing some Cowboys fans of jumping on the bandwagon when the Cowboys won the Super Bowl, making fun of Joey Galloway's contract... it's pretty standard stuff, really. A guy is walking back to his table in a Cowboys Emmitt Smith jersey, and the Eagles fan boos him. The Cowboys fan walks over and starts talking about how he doesn't appreciate being called out, and how he's just here to have a good time with his family, blah blah blah. The guy was just talking a little innocent smack, he never got personal, he never insulted anyone. The Cowboys fan won't hear it, though, he's been offended. People talk trash in sports bars, fella, it's what it happens. The world had to put up with Jimmy Johnson screaming, "HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS!" so you can put up with a little razzing on a Sunday afternoon. Very bush. I now kind of want to root for the Eagles.
At the start of the 4th quarter, all three games I'm watching are compelling. Eagles/Cowboys is close, Indy/Carolina is close, and so is 'Skins/Bucs.
We are getting outstanding service. Watching my baby wait a table is like watching Michelangelo sculpt. The service is almost too good, I feel like I'm taking advantage of her. If she could find a way to make my ice colder, she would. But I know I'll make it up to her later with a soft kiss, a tender caress, and an imaginary sensual massage.
The Eagles fan next to me, who I'm growing a little bit fond of, tells us that he's also a bookie. His dream scenario is for the Eagles to win by one point, so his team wins, and he'll collect some paper. Letting money interfere with the love of his team is a little disappointing, but after the incident with the sad Cowboys fan earlier, I'm willing to let it slide.
The United Way commercial with Chris Sameuls is outstanding. His crying as the little girl reads the end of "Little Women" is better than any of the acting you'll see on Fox this season.
Derrick Brooks takes a Patrick Ramsey interception to the house... and the Redskins/Bucs game is no longer compelling. Warren Sapp not only didn't run through the Redskins warm-up, he also never caught a pass, despite the fact that Ken Dilger was out. Warren is afraid of Lavar Arrington.
It's 3rd and 4, and the old Eagles fan father-of-the-year candidate is calling for a QB sneak. He also yells "GO DUCE!" every time Correll Buckhalter touches the ball. A few minutes later, the Eagles will get a first down on a QB sneak, and he'll complain that they only gained six inches on the play. If I saw this guy trapped under the tire of a Mack truck, I don't think I'd do anything to help him.
There must be 30 Eagles fans in the house today. I have rarely heard this place get as loud as it's getting today.
Correll Buckhalter (Duce, as he's known to Eagles superfans) breaks off a nifty spin move and gets to the house. The Eagles take the lead.
Peyton Manning and the Colts are down 7 with 2:00 to play and the ball deep in their own territory. If I had to choose one quarterback in that situation, I'm either going with Peyton Manning or Steve McNair. Or Vinny Testaverde.
A few minutes later, Peyton Manning finds Reggie Wayne for a touchdown. Overtime.
Fox runs a preview for tonight's baseball game, replaying the clip of Pedro Martinez tossing Don Zimmer. I'm not a baseball fan, but... anything is more enjoyable when old men are being tossed around. A lot of guys might have been afraid to throw an old man with a plate in his head to the ground, but not Pedro. And it's hard to blame him, the crazy old bastard was charging right at him. I wouldn't be mad at Pedro if he tagged him with a right cross. Did Don Zimmer think he was going to beat someone up? I'm not happy that the old man's in the hospital, don't get me wrong, but what was Pedro supposed to do?
The Eagles are down two, with about 1:00 to play. It's tense in the room.
Donovan McNabb coughs it up, and the Eagles go down. It'll be interesting to see how much slack the media cuts him this week.
It's hard not to like this Cowboys team. Young guys who were given no chance to succeed this year are now 4-1 and playing with confidence. Since there are zero other teams in the NFC East that are even remotely likable, and there are almost no ties left to the early-90s Cowboys, it's hard not to wish them well.
Jon Kasay comes on for a 41-yard field goal attempt. Win or lose, the Panthers have proved that they're no joke. The kick is up... and it's good. The Panthers remain undefeated.
The 4 o'clock games are underway, and Tommy Maddox is getting no time from the Steelers offensive line. None whatsoever.
Sammy has brought a bottle of champagne to pop open in the event of a Cubs victory this afternoon. They friendly staff even provided him with a bucket of ice to keep it cold during the game.
It's 7-3 early in the Cardinals/Ravens game, and all 41 people in attendance are getting their money's worth. As sad as the stadium looks, it's hard to blame the people of Arizona for not wanting to sit in 187 degree weather to watch a team with no chance of even sniffing the playoffs.
Once again, there is no Crazy Fish Guy. I hope he's not dead, but you know, if he was... and if his obituary was listed under anything other than "Crazy Fish Guy," I'd have no way of knowing it. It is something of a relief, though, to know that he hasn't been spending Sundays at a cheap motel with my girlfriend.
A newsflash comes on the screen announcing that Boston College is going to be joining the ACC. I'm really glad that BC took five or six minutes to think it over. Now, a whole new group of children are going to be exposed (no pun intended) to Catholics every Saturday in the fall, and that concerns me.
I find myself in the odd position of hoping Larry Centers gets the ball in the Buffalo game. Bye weeks, injuries, and a general lack of depth have led to me starting Larry Centers this week. Larry... Centers.
The Jets, the other team in the league that remains winless, are up 13-3 at the half over Buffalo. The Chargers are about to become the only 0'fer team in the league. They have somehow managed to disappoint me on their bye week.
I can't help but try to sneak a glance or two at the Cubs/Marlins game in the back room. Sammy's an insane Cubs fan. Carl Zamboni hasn't allowed a run in three innings for the Cubs.
An Angry Steelers fan calls Tommy Maddox a "fag." I've got to hand it to Steelers fans, they pay no attention to race when gay-bashing. They will gay-bash damn near anyone, God bless them. The people of Pittsburgh are making tremendous social progress.
Some commercial for an upcoming show on CBS is saying that "no parent should miss it," because a child prodigy violin player is kidnapped. As my own friendly public service reminder, I'd like to advise all parents that they don't have to watch it, because people kidnap prodigy violin players, not your loser kid.
I really don't feel like the Bills are featuring Larry Centers enough in their offense. I don't think they're fully realizing the explosive power of Larry Centers.
I am convinced that 90% of the Steelers considerable offensive problems stem from the offensive line. They can't block anybody, against the pass or against the run. Maddox has no time, he can't throw downfield, and the Steelers can't run.
The Jets are up 27-3, ensuring that the Chargers will be at the bottom of everyone's power rankings, and I will have to listen to every comic genius sportscaster make clever and original jokes about their "perfect season."
Alright, I have discovered the reason why Larry Centers' potential is not being realized in Buffalo. He no longer plays in Buffalo. He is a New England Patriot. Sorry, it just seems like those teams have interchangeable rosters anymore. If the Patriots and Bills completely swapped rosters, really, would anyone outside of New England notice? Still, it's a little embarrassing. If anyone else in the bar is writing a Sunday recap, they're probably mentioning what a jackass I am. I have no excuse.
Mike Lowell hits a 2-run homer for the Marlins. The Cubs are up 3-1 in the series, but these Marlins are proving difficult to reel in. Okay, sorry, I'm new to baseball.
The Pittsburgh/Denver game has been downright ugly. It vaguely reminds me of a game a long time ago, which has stuck with me as the ugliest game I had ever seen. The Chargers led the Raiders 7-6 for about the entire game, until James Jett got loose in the secondary for a game winning TD in the final minute. Right after that game, I attended a viewing for a very distant relative who had just died, and it actually cheered me up a little bit.
The Cardinals sometimes show signs of being an exciting team. They stretch the field and the spread the ball around. Unfortunately, Jeff Blake is very good at finding ways to kill all momentum they develop.
Jerome Bettis scores a 2-point conversion on the cleverly-designed "plop your ass down on Alan Faneca's ankle and ride it into the endzone" play.
Jason Elam kicks a long field goal to end the Steelers/Broncos game. Neither the Steelers or the Broncos looked very good, but at least the Broncos have the excuse of not having their starting quarterback. If the Steelers can find a way to patch up their offensive line, I think most of their problems would go away, at least on the offensive side of the ball, and that would make their problems on the defensive side of the ball seem a little less severe. As it is right now, they're going to find it difficult to even contend for a wild card spot.
The Cubbies lose 4-0, and Sammy's champagne is going to have to be saved for another day. The Cubs are going back to Wrigley, and Mark Prior and Kerry Wood are slated to pitch. I'm told that this is good.
Overall, I'd have to say that the bye week experience wasn't all I expected it to be. 'Tis better to have played and lost than to have never played at all. I missed the Bolts this week. I dunno, when they lose, I can at least feel like I have made an emotional investment in something, that I cared, that I paid attention, that I was moved, one way or the other, even if it results in me crying myself to sleep. I'm looking forward to going home in a state of depression next week.
