Monday, October 20, 2003
| Week 07 - 2003/2004 |
I felt pretty good about the Chargers chances this week. The Browns offensive line had some injury problems, we had a week off to work out some of the secondary problems, and I broke out the for-emergency-use-only Chargers socks.
Also, the Bolts were playing at 1 o'clock instead of their usual 4 o'clock starting time, so if they did happen to lose, I'd have a whole three or fours to shake off the misery before returning home. That way, maybe I could have a Sunday where I wouldn't have to go home and sit alone in the dark for a few hours and think about why the Chargers suck large amounts of wang.
Each week, the people at the bar make little signs indicating which game is going to be on each TV, and as I walk in today, I see that the Chargers/Browns game is on the middle TV, which means I'll be watching it and listening to it. This is a rare treat, and I've got to believe it was done with me in mind. That's a sign of a quality establishment. They know how to take care of the losers that spend 8 hours there every Sunday.
As if Terry Bradshaw isn't annoying enough on his own, Fox has decided to have his brother involved in the pre-game show this week. It appears as if Howie Long is attempting to explain something football-related, but I can't hear it because Terry Bradshaw is too busy laughing hysterically at every joke he makes.
My buddy Danks, a long-suffering Red Sox fan, walks in just as Fox decides to show highlights of the game seven loss to the Yankees. Ouch.
My buddy Chris, who arrived at the place before I did, tells me about some Browns fans who came in earlier. They walked in, sat down, said, "Hey, the Browns are on the middle TV, cool," got some takeout, and left at about 12:30. Diehards.
Before the games get underway, we have a little discussion about the easiest positions in the NFL to play. I didn't hear it, but I guess Michael Irvin was saying on Gameday that offensive linemen have the easiest jobs, which strikes me as ridiculous. Defensive ends, especially the ones that are about 6'4", 280 and ripped, are about the best big athletes you're going to find in the world. It takes a little bit more than just standing in their way. The easiest? Either running back or the big defensive tackle who's job is just to take up space and attempt to move forwards.
We're just about to kickoff. The Browns are wearing their all-orange uniforms this week, apparently choosing to honor Halloween in lieu of their usual weekly tribute to feces.
Orpheus Roye, brother of former NHL goalie Patrick, plays for the Browns. What a talented family.
CBS has busted out the big guns for the Browns/Chargers game. Ian Eagle and Soloman Wilcots.
There's a dude sitting at the table next to ours wearing a Steelers jersey, and rooting for the Browns. I'm not sure of the reason, but I'm pretty sure this douche is a big-time fantasy fan. See? Some of you, I'm sure, don't fully understand the scourge of the fantasy fan. This is what happens. You end up with a guy who's supposedly a Steelers fan cheering for the Browns. It's the guy I mentioned last week, the one on crutches. I now hate him. I want to snap his crutches over my knee and toss them down into the bowling alley.
LaDainian Tomlinson is having his way with the Browns D. He is Ike, they are Tina. Jamal Lewis's record may be in trouble.
And the Browns are forced to burn a timeout with the first play of the 2nd quarter. Exactly how does that happen?
Danks, Nate, and I decide that if a Battle Royale were held among all NFL punters, Darren Bennett is winning it easily.
I'm not making a whole lot of game updates right now. There's just one game I'm focusing on, I'm watching it intently, and things are going well. I don't want to jinx it.
Mario Edwards of the Dallas Cowboys and the all-neck team intercepts a pass, starts high-stepping at about the 4, and is surprised to see a defender in his way at about the 2. He loses the high-step and gets in anyway.
On a drive close to the end of the first half, the Bolts force the Browns into a punting situation. The Browns punt, penalty on the Chargers... first down, Brownies. 3 more downs... and the Browns are in another punting situation. They punt... penalty on the Chargers, first down, Brownies. They end up scoring before the half. This... this is not good.
Quincy Carter is having a day. I would point out that the Cowboys haven't played much of a schedule to this point, and I'd like to see Quincy do this against a real team... but since he's in the NFC East, he might not ever have to do it against a real team.
My man Tim makes a surprise entrance in the first half of the Bolts game. He's wearing orange, but he lives a few hundred miles away and I haven't seen him in months, so I forgive him. He also brought a tube of something called "Wang Sauce." If the Chargers weren't winning, I'd be able to devote more time to figuring out exactly what the "Wang Sauce" is, but right now... I've got to let it go.
Nice crowd shot of a young lady in a Rams jersey, wearing a cheesehead at the Rams/Packers game. I don't understand. Perhaps she's a Rams fan that's just a really big fan of the cheese industry.
Randy Moss with a sweet little play, with the blind over-the-shoulder assist to Moe Williams. If anyone else in Minnesota could pass like that, the Timberwolves might've made it out of the first round of the playoffs by now.
You know who I'd like to see on the receiving end of a vicious, helmet-first, fine-inducing Rodney Harrison hit? Jared from Subway. These damn commercials just get worse and worse. I absolutely cannot wait until he gets arrested for something. It's set up perfectly... average Joe kind of guy, achieves quasi-celebrity status, too much money and too much fame go to his head... he gets pulled over with a Canadian prostitute, a few grams of coke in the glove box, a Glock under the drivers seat... something like that, I don't know. He'll probably hold up a six-inch Turkey Club in his mugshot.
The Chargers with an impressive red-zone sequence. It's 3rd and 6, followed by... a false start. Another false start. A sack. A missed field goal.
Eddie Berlin, Dane Looker, and Drew Bennett all score touchdowns during the early games... it's a white receiver explosion.
Joey Porter's gotten a lot of love for his return from a gunshot wound, but you know... Terrence Kiel's (rookie Chargers safety) return is far more manly. Porter was an innocent bystander, and took one in the ass. Kiel got carjacked, took one in the stomach, and fragments in the knee. When the NFL unveils its Gunshot-Survival Award, Terrence Kiel better be the inaugural winner.
Kelly Holcomb enters the game for the Brownies. That's too bad, the whole Tim Couch thing was working out very well for the Chargers.
The Rams, even without Marshall Faulk, are impressing me. That defense looks very tough at time. The Rams and Vikings are, in my opinion, the two favorites for the NFC championship.
Kelly Holcomb looks like he's 12. If he's not careful, he could end up in a hot tub with Mark Chmura.
Ian Eagle as Tim Dwight fumbles: "The Chargers have found ways to lose this season!" Remind me later to add Ian Eagle to the list of people I should murder.
Ian Eagle is pretty much openly rooting for the Browns. Kelly Holcomb has the offense moving, and Ian can barely contain his excitement.
A 17-point Chargers 4th quarter lead has shrunk to 3. My buddy A.J. is encouraging me to start smoking.
At to minutes 'till 4, Crazy Fish Gay enters the house! He's got on a very snug Dolphins t-shirt. Danks says, "That shirt... it scares me."
The Chargers have 3rd and inches at the goal line, a TD would slam the door on a victory. And Drew Brees rolls out and takes a 12-yard sack. Impressive. LT has been able to do anything he wants all day, and we have Drew Brees run 12 yards backwards and fall down when we need to gain a few inches.
With less than a minute left, the Chargers up by 6, they punt at about the Browns 30. I'm OK with it, Darren Bennett is very good at pinning teams deep in their own territory. He gets off an ideal punt, three Chargers are waiting for it as it approaches the goal line... and Kevin House, both feet planted firmly in the endzone, grabs the ball. Any one of those three guys could've easily put that ball down inside the one, and this guy grabs it while his feet are both about 10 inches deep in the endzone. That's the dumbest thing I've seen anyone do in a football game since Plaxico Burress spiked a live ball. Kevin House should be cut on Monday morning. I briefly lose control and start screaming that on Monday morning, Kevin House needs to spend his Monday morning "looking for a fucking job." I almost hope the guy was on crack. Seriously. I hope he at least has an excuse... "I'm sorry. I let the team down... I've been watching a lot of Playmakers, and I thought it was OK to smoke crack and beat up hookers just prior to game time. My head wasn't in the right place. I'm going to rehab now."
Less than a minute to play, and the Browns need to go 80 yards... and they can't do it...
BOLTS WIN.
WOOOOOOOO!!
AWWWW YEAH.
YOU LIKE THAT, BITCHES?!
THE BOLTS ARE BACK, BABY.
San Diego... SUPER CHARGERS.
Alright... it's about the end of the first quarter in all of the 4 o'clock games, and I've regained consciousness. Oh, and by the way, the Chargers are going to run the table. 11-5.
By the way, no sign of my girlfriend today. It's too bad that she couldn't be here to share this moment with me, the way we've shared so many other special moments... like our first imaginary date, our first imaginary kiss, our first imaginary EPT home pregnancy test.
Troy Brown hauls in an 80-yard TD catch in overtime. I'm happy for Danks, I'd hate to see the Pats lose in overtime after all the anguish he went through with the Red Sox this week, but... I'm also sorry Crazy Fish Guy had to see that.
Has there ever been a good commercial for a truck? Are rednecks the only people who buy trucks? We need to get a movement started for non-redneck people to start buying trucks, so maybe we can avoid every single truck advertisement starting some mulletted country music tool, and some unshaven drive-thru worker dreaming about something called a "hemmy."
The Texans are outgaining the Jets 128 yards to 2, and the Bills have a similar advantage over the Redskins, 129-5.
Patrick Ramsey unloads a sweet deep ball to Laveraneus Coles. I'm somewhat impressed with Patrick Ramsey, which is unfortunate, because I hate the Redskins. Ramsey has a nice arm, seems to be able to find open receivers, and is tough. Behind that offensive line, he'll have to be.
The Texans are having their way with the Jets, and if it continues... the Chargers won't be dead last in everyone's power rankings again this week.
San Diego... SUPER CHARGERS.
Perhaps I'm overreacting to one win, but you know... I don't care. It wasn't very long ago that the Chargers went 1-15, and back then, I had to fight to get their games on TV. Their one win was against Kansas City, and just as time was about to expire, and the game-deciding field goal was about to be kicked, every fucking TV station in the country cut away to some Florida election results that turned out to be completely meaningless, and I missed our one win. So when we're 0-5, and pull out a victory, it's happy time for MJD.
Patrick Ramsey, behind his stellar offensive line, manages to fumble twice in the same play.
Terrell Owens scores a touchdown, and breaks out the "run into the field goal posts, fall backwards, expose the taint, and give the football to a hottie in the first row" touchdown dance.
Todd Yoder is pushed out of bounds right into Jon Gruden, who goes down pretty hard. I am sad to report that Gruden was not seriously injured on the play.
The Fox commentators are talking about Terry Bradshaw's comments this morning that the Redskins were close to trading for Terrell Owens before the NFL's trading deadline this week. I don't believe it.
Moose Johnston, who's commentary I've enjoyed to this point, starts talking about how Bruce Smith, if he breaks the all-time sack record, deserves to be mentioned in the same company as Wayne Gretzky, Emmitt Smith, and Hank Aaron. Easy, Moose. They only started keeping that stat at about, what, 1980? Deacon Jones might have had 5,892 sacks, and no one would no it. And it's a sack, a relatively small portion of the game, much unlike rushing yards, TDs, hockey goals, or home runs on baseball. I don't mean to discredit Bruce Smith, but let's slow down a little. Gretzky, Emmitt and Hank? More like Steve Yzerman, Franco Harris, and Don Mattingly.
Tony Siragusa is doing some sideline reporting for Fox, and he's doing a tremendous job. He's entertaining without being over-the-top, relaxed and cool on camera, and fairly insightful. In many many many ways, he is the anti-Lisa Geurrero.
The Bills are up 10-0 on the Redskins. They show Jim Kelly on the sidelines, all I suddenly feel that the Bills are going to lose 13-10.
For some reason, a "Fuck the Yankees" chant breaks out in the bar. I like it.
Ed Hochuli is doing the Jets/Texans game, and he might be the best athlete on the field right now.
The Bills saw the tape last week of Brad Johnson and the Bucs abusing Champ Bailey on the bootleg roll-out, and are taking advantage. He gets suckered on that every damn time.
I'll be honest with you... I don't really care about any of these games going on right now. I'm still basking in the glow of the Chargers victory. If I saw my car explode in the parking lot right now, I probably wouldn't care too much.
A Redskins fan, on every 3rd down the Redskins have, screams, "DO SOMETHING!" I think he'd make an outstanding offensive coordinator.
Julian Peterson intercepts a Brad Johnson pass, and breaks off an outstanding runback. He looked better than any of the running backs currently on the Redskins roster.
Travis Henry is nice, but this Redskins/Bills game feels a lot more like the Redskins being terrible than it does the Bills being good.
The Texans/Jets game... well, it seems like both teams being terrible.
Moose Johnston on the Redskins offensive line: "Patrick Ramsey will not make it through the season." They show a stat that he's been hit 10 times, hurried 11 times, and fumbled 3 times. He is promptly sent to the locker room with a hand/arm injury. The good news for the Skins is that Rob Johnson is warming up.
I think we're all just soaking up the very emotional Rob Johnson/Buffalo homecoming moment right now. It's touching.
Moose Johnston on the Redskins offensive line: "It's not just individual guys getting beat, it's the entire philosophy." Rob Johnson is promptly mauled by the entire Bills defensive line.
Lamont Jordan scores for the Jets, and follows it with possibly the best TD celebration of the year this far. He takes the ball over to the goalposts, "pulls the cord" on it like a chainsaw, and pretends to saw down the goalposts. Nice.
Both the Redskins/Bills and the 49ers/Bucs games have been decided for some time now... and yes, now the Jets/Texans game has been mercifully brought to a conclusion. I am going to go home now and not be miserable.
San Diego... SUPER CHARGERS.
