Monday, November 10, 2003
| Week 10 - 2003/2004 |
We've got a rookie waitress this week, and so far, she's on top of her game. Friendly and attentive, but not overbearing. She has been made aware of our presence, and she was given the nod. You know how in baseball, you save your best pitchers for the toughest games? I think that's what's happening here. They've brought in a ringer.
I'm sitting there by myself, waiting for my boys to get there, and here comes Crazy Fish Guy. You know the love I have for Crazy Fish Guy, but I'm alone. I've got no cover. And Crazy Fish Guy is all up in my grill.
He whips out his gambling sheet, whatever the thing is called, and we talk a little gambling. He refused to put money on the Cheifs/Browns game because it was something he called a "set-up" game, and he goes into detail about how bookies always do that, and I don't know what the hell he's talking about. I'm nodding and agreeing. There's not much else I can do. If he told me he was going to sell his house, get an "I Love Dave Wannsteadt" tattoo, and move to Miami to be closer to him, I'd just nod and look back at the TV. I'm more than a little uncomfortable, but I do know this: I hope the Browns win so I can write later about the prescience of Crazy Fish Guy.
10 minutes later... it's still just me and Crazy Fish Guy. They're talking to Jerome Bettis on Gameday, and he says, "The Bus got flattened!" Yes, Crazy Fish Guy... the Bus got flattened.
Gameday's got a feature coming up about Dick Vermeil... and it looks like he's going to cry. They're calling it a very "special" segment, but I don't know what's so special about Dick Vermeil crying. It's more of a surprise when he doesn't cry during a press conference.
Crazy Fish Guy's sandwich arrives. I get a bit of a reprieve.
Someone on Gameday points out that none of last year's division winners are currently in first place. That's ridiculous. How does that happen?
Gameday has a little music video recap of the season thus far, set to a new version of Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive," and I have to admit... it was money. It's like that song was written for the sole purpose of retrospective sports recap videos.
My buddy AJ walks in, and he's got his French book with him. He's got a little homework to do this afternoon. Our new waitress, as it turns out... is also a French teacher. It's like the woman has been born to wait on this particular table on this particular day. I feel like tipping her every time she comes to the table... She is SuperWaitress. She should have an S on her chest.
ESPN has a microphone on Ray Lewis from a game earlier this year, and the way he leads and motivates and cares for his teammates is just impressive. I really wish I didn't hate him. If he was a Charger, I'd probably worship the man, but... he's a Raven, and therefore, a douchebag.
This Dick Vermeil/Trent Green feature... I'm glad they're close and all, but come on, that's getting a little bit... weird. Their relationship, to me, seems very similar to that of a Boy Scout and an overly affectionate Scoutmaster. It's just... well, it's very intimate. That's all I'm saying.
It's almost 1 o'clock, and the place is nearly empty. It feels a little odd.
The games on the TVs are Miami/Tennessee, Pittsburgh/Arizona, and Cleveland/Kansas City. We're sitting next to a disgruntled Steelers fan who was in Pittsburgh this morning, but actually gave away his tickets.
The Browns are getting a lot of pressure to Trent Green early. So much, in fact, that Trent Green just threw the ball to an offensive lineman. On purpose.
The Steelers have thus far been embarrassing. Jeff Reed just missed a very short field goal. Going away to commercial break, the commentator says, "Well, you know what they say about chip shots..." Actually, I have no idea what they say about chip shots. Does anyone know what they say about chip shots?
I just searched on Google for "what they say about chip shots," and it came back with 0 results.
The Pittsburgh/Arizona game lacks anything resembling any kind of entertainment value. If I was at home, and they only two things on TV were this game, and a documentary about a Clint Eastwood urology exam... well, I'd have a decision to make.
The Titans are just having their way with the Dolphins. It's 14-0, and Steve McNair is just not stoppable. Anyone who would seriously vote for Dante Hall over Steve McNair for MVP needs to check themselves into a room next to Rush Limbaugh's. Dante Hall has 4 return TDs on the year, and one receiving TD. That's about a TD every other game. If the Titans were without Steve McNair, would it hurt them by more than a TD every other game?
I try not to mention my fantasy football team too often in the Smorgasbord, because I know you don't care, but I do want to mention that I started the Dolphins defense this week, and also gave Chad Pennington the nod over Steve McNair, because I figured the Dolphins D would at least be able to slow him a bit. Not so. He is torching the highly-flammable Fish D, and I feel like Crazy Fish Guy is to blame. He's watching his team take it in the jaw, and is just sitting there with a goofy half-smile on his face, clutching his gambling sheet. God bless him.
I think the Dolphins uniforms were specifically designed for people with dark skin. The color combination of white, aqua, and pasty Caucasian just doesn't work. They should have a tanning bed in the trainer's room.
Emmitt Smith is on the sidelines for the Cardinals with a massive wad of chewing tobacco in his mouth. I guess that's what spending so much time in Texas will do to a guy.
Jay Fielder's ears... are massive. I don't think I've ever seen ears that big. They're like David Boston's pipes, or Dolly Parton's jugs. They just don't make anatomical sense. If he catches a strong breeze from behind, he could take flight.
I don't know if it's a local commercial or a national commercial, but the brand name "Uncle Charley's Sausage" is just a little bit creepy. Maybe it's just me, but I think Uncle Charley needs to keep his sausage to himself. That's just not right.
A commercial for a new movie features the line, "YOUR FATHER IS IN THE 14TH CENTURY!" Yeah, sounds like a classic. I didn't note the name of it because I'd feel bad if I actually made more people aware of the film.
The commentator in the Steelers/Cards game keeps emphasizing the second syllable of Plaxico Burress's last name. Plaxico BurESS, he says. What, is he French all the sudden? A distant relative of Tony Parker, perhaps? How does an NFL commentator not know the proper pronunciation of Plax's name... if he was mispronouncing Chris Doering, I could understand, the Plax caught 100 balls last year. That's embarrassing.
I've seen it dozens of times now, but the Pioneer Pure Vision commercial, with the blatant ass shot of the girl surfing as they cut out the TV screen around her... y'know, Pioneer, people know what you're doing. It's not subtle.
Every time someone punts in the Steelers/Cards game, the now legendary commentator says they're "going for the corner." Josh Miller gets off a punt, the guy says he's going for the corner, and it lands squarely between the hash marks.
Jason Gildon becomes the Steelers all-time sack leader, and the commentator says, "Congratulations, brother!" I'd just like point out that I'm pretty sure he is neither related to Jason Gildon, or black.
Johnnie Morton's worm... that's the best touchdown celebration in the game. I hope Dick Vermeil talks about how cool it is in his post-game press conference and starts crying.
Tim Duncan of the Cardinals misses an extra point by about 6 yards. He's really not the same without David Robinson around.
The commentator in the Steelers/Cards game (I wish there was an easy way to abbreviate that), just called Antwan Randle-El "Antwan Randle-Bell." He also keeps calling James Farrior "James Furrier." Apparently, Chingy is calling the Steelers game today.
CBS switches the Dolphins/Titans massacre to the end of the Indy/Jacksonville game. Fred Taylor scores to give Jacksonville the lead with about a minute to go. Peyton Manning has time to lead a touchdown drive, but... once again, throws a pick with the game on the line.
The Cardinals pick up a late cheap touchdown, and Crazy Fish Guy erupts with excitement. He bet the over. "That was a big one," he says. Indeed.
The 4 o'clock games are about to start, including the Chargers/Vikings game, and everyone I'm sitting with has a serious anti-Chargers fantasy football interest. I've got a Culpepper owner, a Moss owner, and someone playing against LaDainian Tomlinson. I could lose some friends today.
Crazy Fish Guy leans over and lets me know that he feels good about the Chargers. So good, in fact, that he has put some lumber down on them. You are the fucking man, Crazy Fish Guy.
The Chargers are leading 7-0 before they have the game on. I'm not sure, but I think I might have just touched Crazy Fish Guy.
It's now 14-0 Chargers. Holy fuck.
Quincy Carter is back to wearing a Caucasian Breathe Right strip. I give up, Quincy. Some people just do not want to be helped. Whatever. Nice stripe across your nose, pussy.
The three games on right now are Chargers/Vikings, Bills/Cowboys, and Jets/Raiders. My buddy Chris and I have the following exchange:
Chris: So... you're lined up across from Barrett Robbins.
Me: I'd have some AA brochures tucked in my sock, and hand them to him.
Chris: Would you go there?
Me: Oh, I'd go there.
Someone for the Raiders just attempted to tackle Santana Moss, and ended up just throwing him towards the endzone.
Jimmy Kleinsasser... might be the ugliest man in the NFL. Other candidates we come up with are Jeremy Shockey, Bruce Smith, and the clear winner, Edgerrin James.
It's 21-7, Chargers... I'm not shocked, but the speed and efficiency with which the offense is moving... well, it's something I'm not accustomed to seeing. Doug Flutie has been brilliant thus far. If he were here, sitting next to me... I would do anything the man asked of me. I'm getting a little bit scared thinking about where I would, or perhaps more accurately, would not, draw the line with Doug Flutie.
The Vikings score an imaginary touchdown. A guy catches the ball in the endzone, and it doesn't look like there's any way his feet were inbounds. Marty calls for a review. Ed Hochuli, who is probably an ass, says that the guy had his first foot down, "as the ball was on his fingertips." I guess the ball touching someone's fingertips counts as possession now. Nothing kills momentum like injustice. That was criminal.
I'm adding Ed Hochuli to my list of people that I want to fight.
Antonio Gates, former Kent State NCAA basketball hero, gets in the endzone for the Chargers. I love Antonio Gates, and I'm hoping that his future emergence is what will keep the Chargers from drafting Kellen Winslow Jr.
The Jets are down at the half to the Raiders. If I'm Herman Edwards, my halftime speech begins and ends with "You're about to lose to RICK... FUCKING... MIRER."
The Fox halftime show features 10 minutes of everyone in the study laughing at Terry Bradshaw. What tremendous entertainment value.
Kenny Albert is calling one of the games on TV, prompting someone to ask if he's Marv's son. Chris says, "If he is, I'm sure he's been molested."
The Vikings cough up a fumble, and Randy Moss was in the vicinity of it... and just didn't appear to want it. He was jogging to the loose ball.
At the end of the 3rd quarter, the Chargers are leading 35-14. Doug Flutie is running like Michael Vick, spreading the ball around to everyone, and every pass he throws is hitting someone in the numbers. This is truly remarkable.
Daunte Culpepper is forced from the pocket, and some idiot bearded stoner Vikings fan in front of us keeps screaming, "DO SOMETHING SPECIAL! DO SOMETHING SPECIAL!" Yeah, he got sacked on the next play. Special enough for you, loser?
The Chargers are in the red zone, and have a fumbled snap. If Drew Brees is in the game, at best, he falls on the ball for a one-yard loss. Since it's Doug Fltuie, however, he just decides, "eh... I guess I'll just pick it up and take it to the house." I love Doug Flutie. What he's doing today is just extraordinary.
42 points. The San Diego Chargers have just scored 42 points. In one game.
The Chargers are up 14, with about 4 to play. AJ asks me, "Is it over?" To be on the safe said, I say no, it's not over yet. And he says, "Alright, well let me know when I can cheer for a cheap Randy Moss touchdown without being accosted." Maybe next week, fella.
Vikings recover an onside kick. Fuck.
With about 2:00 to play, the Vikings are threatening. I am not amused.
Terrence Keil makes the interception, and the 1-7 Chargers have just beaten the 6-2 Vikings. This is surreal.
I was talking earlier about how everyone gives Joey Porter so much love for coming back from a gunshot wound, and sure, it's manly, but Porter was an innocent bystander and took one in the ass. It was no worse than what happened to Tommy Davidson in Booty Call, only I don't think anyone shaved his pubes. Terrence Keil, however, was shot once in the leg, and once in the abdomen in attempted carjacking, and no one's saying anything about him, and he's back and making game-winning plays. I just thought I'd mention it.
Charger heroes today: Marcellus Wiley, for saying what needed to be said about the Chargers QB situation. The coaching staff waited too long to do it and they were losing the team in the process, and Marcellus Wiley put his own reputation on the line by saying publicly what all his teammates were saying privately. Doug Flutie is also a hero for being awesome, LaDainian Tomlinson, for being his usual stud self, and Crazy Fish Guy, who believed when very few others did.
Hey, look, Buffalo and Dallas are still playing. I hadn't noticed. It's 10-6 in the fourth. I don't care who wins. Not even a little bit.
The stoner Vikings fan who was screaming "DO SOMETHING SPECIAL!" has recovered quickly from the loss, you'll be happy to know. Something about an oddly shaped peanut has him laughing hysterically.
I don't feel like watching the end of the Raiders/Jets game. There's no need to interfere with the joy of a Chargers victory by taking the chance of seeing a Raiders fan happy.
