Monday, November 17, 2003
| Week 11 - 2003/2004 |
Crazy Fish Guy and I are getting damn near intimate. For the second week in a row, he spots me and launches an ambush before I'm prepared. We're going over some of his bets, and I think he's bet every damn game being played. He put some lumber on the Bolts again. He took Jacksonville to beat the 11-point spread. He took the Rams. I can't remember what else, but I got every detail. It's like he doesn't talk to anyone all week, and just saves it all up for me... he was talking about stopping and getting gas last night, I don't know what the hell he was talking about, but I am wondering what kind of car he drives. I can't help but think it's a van. With kids in the back. That aren't his.
I should apologize. Sorry, Crazy Fish Guy.
CBS is reporting that four NFL players tested positive for THG, and surprisingly... they were all Raiders. I am aghast. How very un-Raiderlike. Bill Romanowski, using a steroid? For the love of all things holy, say it isn't so. Barrett Robbins, substance abusing? You have got to be kidding me. I just don't believe it... I won't believe it. They've been framed, I tell you.
Say, how much THG does it take to get to 3-7?
Heidi Klum is making an appearance on CBS's pregame show, and I can't hear the audio, but it looks like both Boomer and Deion are trying to run game on her. I imagine the dialogue is going something like this:
Deion: Heidi, I want to have sex with you.
Boomer: Heidi, I also want to have sex with you.
Deion: I want to have sex with you way worse than Boomer does. I also have a much better chance of making this happen.
Boomer: Please, please, please have sex with me.
Odds of Deion being the next head coach of the Falcons, about 12-1. Odds of Deion banging Heidi Klum, about... 5-3.
ESPN has a nice little feature about Emmitt Smith's relationship with Marcel Shipp. Emmitt does everything in his power to help Shipp, in fact, he does everything in his power to help out all the Cardinals. Michael Irvin wanted to do an interview with Emmitt, but Emmitt made him sit down with Anquan Boldin first and tell him every thing he knows about receiving. That's pretty manly. Emmitt says he tried to do the same thing in Dallas, but Troy Hambrick just wouldn't have it.
Most of the other early game conversation surrounds the injustice in the new college football rankings. How is it that previously-16th ranked Pitt takes a 52-31 ass-pounding at the hands of WVU, and WVU can't crack the top-25. Meanwhile, Kansas State beats the previously 15th-ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers, and jumps all the way to 18th. College football has all the integrity of a backwoods Maryland cockfighting league.
My buddy Jim walks in... looking a little bit rough. His hair is disheveled, he's in yesterday's clothes (which endured a 3-hour train ride, 8 hours at a drunken rowdy football game, and a few more hours surrounding some drunken rowdy bonfires), and I refuse to get close enough to him to smell him. Jim is a wreck, but you know... he's here. I'm damn proud.
The early games on the menu are Kansas City/Cincinnati, Washington/Carolina, and Miami/Baltimore.
My baby is working the early shift today. She's not waiting our table, but we do make incidental contact as she reaches over me for the salt shaker. To my friends, I will later describe this encounter as "sex."
I don't have any particular strong feelings about the Panthers or the Redskins, but something makes me want to see Stephen Davis run for about 230 yards, punch Steve Spurrier in the stomach, and drop a brick on his face.
Corey Dillon gets a carry in the Bengals/Chiefs game, it goes for about 8 yards, and he celebrates like he was just traded to Dallas. I've never seen a guy so happy to be getting a carry. Enjoy it, CD, it's probably your last one as a Bengal. By the way, you've been replaced by someone that shares a name with Cliff Huxtable's cutest daughter. Live with that, girlie man.
Someone got a little too close to the sideline microphone in the Skins/Panthers game while screaming the word "cocksucker." These kinds of things... just make me a happier person.
Jim, shockingly, has forgotten his wallet.
Hey, Patrick Ramsey was sacked. That Redskins offensive line might not be as good as everyone is making it out to be.
A disturbing development... there's a small contingent of Cincinnati Bengals fans in the house this week. It would be fine, but... I've never seen any of them in here before in my life. Actually, it's probably more likely that I had seen them before, but they were wearing Colts jerseys or something. These guys all end up sitting close together, trying to convince each other and themselves that they're long-suffering, die-hard Bengals fans. I'm not buying it. I've been here sitting through every single fucking game of a 1-15 Chargers season, and I only see these pussies when the Bengals are .500 and getting massive media attention. These people are an affront to real fans of bad teams everywhere. I suddenly hate the Bengals. I wish some real Bengals fan would come in here and just pound the fuck out of these people. They're embarassing.
My buddy Elissa (who's a woman, but if I'd feel like I was treating her differently because of her gender if I called her anything other than the 'buddy' by which I refer to everyone else... although I thought about just going with 'bitch') has Mushin Muhammad on her fantasy bench, but refuses to be happy for him having a monster day. I always root for my bench players, I feel like an owner needs to show his/her players that they're loved... Elissa refuses, so I start grossly overreacting every time Mushin catches a pass. I am currently the loudest fan in the bar, rooting for a player I don't like, on a team I don't like, and on a fantasy team that I don't like. I wish I was drunk.
Danks reveals that he's seen the Paris Hilton sex video... despite the fact that you probably don't know the guy, I think you'll agree that the image of Danks sitting on a couch in a Notre Dame volleyball t-shirt watching the Paris Hilton sex video is... kinda sad. In case any of you were interested in his review, he says it's worth watching, just for the educational value. Y'know... where would the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord be without Danks? I'm nominating Danks right now for SAS MVP... the nominees are Danks, my girlfriend, and Crazy Fish Guy. Perhaps we'll vote at the end of the regular season.
Patrick Ramsey goes down in a heap again, and some Panther has his hand firmly on Ramsey's ass... and it's going deeper and moving south as they cut away. Ramsey was slow to get up from the pile... and I'm not saying anything, I'm just saying... the guy seemed to enjoy being where he was.
It's 2:05 in the afternoon... and there has yet to be a touchdown scored in any game that I'm watching.
The Bears are somehow up 14-3 on the Rams... and the Falcons are up 17-3 on the Saints. The Bills have 5 points. Odd.
The Bengals are owning the time of possession against the Chiefs. One of the douchefuck Bengals fans says, "I've been a Bengals fan since Joe Montana!" What the hell does that mean? Since Joe Montana what? Beat your ass in the super bowl? Was born? Retired? Was in that legendary skit on Saturday Night Live?
At 2:43 in the afternoon... we've got a touchdown. Jake Delhomme has scored for the Panthers. 2:43 on a Sunday, and I've seen one damn touchdown.
I see a commercial for some diamond ring company or something, where a guy gives a girl a diamond, and they live happily ever after. It reminds me that I need to do some Christmas shopping, and I decide on a new gift policy... I'm not buying any gifts for any non-related females that won't be having sex with me. My buddy Chris recommends that I write on the card, "Do not open unless you plan on having sex with MJD."
I don't know who wears #59 for the Chiefs, but he just got flattened by a Jon Kitna stiff-arm. I don't imagine that one's going on his personal highlight reel. Stiff-armed by Jon Kitna... wow. That would be like losing to Kid Rock on Celebrity Jeopardy.
We have another touchdown... Jeremi Johnson of the Bengals continues the offensive explosion.
One of the Bengals superfans is singing along with a Ford truck commercial starring... I dunno, someone with a large belt buckle and a mullet. A few hours ago, I was hoping the Bengals pulled off the upset. Now, I hope they lose out. Dirty bastards.
Chad Johnson of the Bengals looks like 50 Cent.
Warren Sapp arrives at Raymond James stadium wearing a Kevin McHale jersey, which just makes no sense to me. Warren Sapp and Kevin McHale have about as much in common as do Terrell Owens and Bob Cousy. Seeing him in that jersey is just offensive, and I even hate the Celtics. Kevin McHale? All ability, no hype, business-like. Efficient, cool, effective. Warren Sapp? Loud, ignorant, has made a living off of hype and media attention, has a need to call attention to himself. Chris says he hopes Kevin McHale calls him and tells him to stop wearing his jersey.
The Dolphins should be embarrassed... an Anthony Wright-led team is taking them to overtime. At home, no less. If they do end up winning, they should refuse the victory.
Fox shows a girl in the crowd of the Panthers game, about six years old, face painted like a Panther, cute little whiskers and everything. Someone at our table (though I can't tell you who), just out of sheer boredom, screams, "whore!"
Okay, it was me. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me today.
The Dolphins get the W, and Crazy Fish Guy looks over to a couple of Ravens fans, and issues a sincere apology. You've just got to love that about Crazy Fish Guy.
CBS shows a commercial for some show, one of the ones where a 110-pound blonde girl with d-cup hooters is an international spy, lawyer, detective, congresswoman and forensics expert, and she saves the world every week... and they flash the words "HATE CRIMES" and "GAY BASHING" up on the screen in huge letters, as if they are the attraction to the show. "Wanna see gay people beaten up? Tune into CBS this week!" And then the hooker superhero ends up beating up the bad guys, so on one has to feel bad about watching the damn show in the first place... that's just quality entertainment.
The Bengals put away the W against the Chiefs, and the Jaguars lose by 7 to the Titans. That was a nice little string for Crazy Fish Guy. In a string of about 15 minutes, the Fish won, Jacksonville beat the spread, and the Dolphins remain the only unbeaten team of all-time. Congrats, Crazy Fish Guy.
The Chargers game comes on just in time to see Clitoris Portis stopped on a 4th and inches in San Diego territory.
Four minutes into the first quarter, however, the Bolts have gained one offensive yard. As it would later turn out, it would've been nice if they could've kept up this torrid pace all day.
I had forgotten about the Chad Clifton/Warren Sapp matchup this week. I ask around the table... "So, if Warren Sapp gets paralyzed by Chad Clifton today, do I have to feel bad?" The consensus is a resounding no, which is good, because I wouldn't have felt bad anyway. Sapp, by the way, according to Pam Oliver, said that he didn't feel bad, partially because it was just Chad Clifton, and not someone who was playing for an offensive record or something. That's lovely, Warren... Chad Clifton isn't making headlines, so his health is worth less than that of someone else. What a fuckhead.
Joe Buck, doing the Bucs/Packers game, is talking about the struggling Tampa Bay offense. He says that the Bucs are really good at the two-minute offense, and asks, seriously, why they just don't start the game in the 2-minute offense. How is this toolbox allowed anywhere near an NFL broadcast... someone that would ask that question in a bar, I would make fun of... Fox made him their #1 announcer. Tremendous.
New Orleans, after trailing 20-3 against the Falcons, comes back to win. Very nice meltdown, Falcons. Coach Deion would never let this sort of thing happen.
Donnie Edwards, when a play is clearly dead, reaches down and tries to rip the ball out of some Bronco's hands as he's laying there on his back after the whistle. Despite the 2-8 record, I do admire the Bolts willingness to attempt to cheat.
It's already 13-0 Broncos... Chris is falling asleep in his chair. He leaves. He's a woman. I tell him that he's acting very vaginal, and he can't understand what I'm saying. I'm forced to repeat myself like four times, until I just end up screaming the word "VAGINAL!" at the top of my lungs. I'd be embarrassed if that sort of thing didn't pale in comparison to some of my previous behavior.
Shannon Sharpe scores a touchdown for the Broncos, and is celebrating with their little horsie mascot. They're dancing together, I don't know what's going on. Thankfully, Sharpe kept his helmet on, otherwise, I don't know if I'd have been able to tell the two apart.
The Packers running game is making the Bucs defense look like Girl Scout Troop #82. There are massive holes for Ahman Green to run through. I think he's getting like 8 yards a carry at this point. The Pitt Panthers might be able to establish a running game against the Bucs.
20-0 Broncos... and in the 2nd quarter, the Chargers have gained less than 20 yards. It feels like 20 years ago that the Chargers beat the Vikings down.
Speaking of the Vikings, they're losing to Oakland at the moment, which is something I really don't want to happen. Not only does it cheapen the Bolts win over the Vikes, but... well, it's a Raider W. I suppose from here on out, I can just chalk up any Raider win to heavy steroid use, but still... it's more fun when they lose.
The ass-pounding of the Chargers continues, and I begin to daydream about the Bolts drafting Larry Fitzgerald. Just then, the Chargers force a turnover, and I feel like this is a good chance for them to get back in the mix. And then they turn it back over on the very next play. LAR-RY, LAR-RY, LAR-RY!
Nearing the half, Doug Flutie is 3-for-12 for 15 yards, and 1 INT. The Flutie magic this week is serving to make a good quarterback disappear, apparently. I suppose I should've known better than to expect that kind of performance two weeks in a row from a 41-year-old little person, but... eh, delusional optimism is something of a specialty of mine.
Quentin Jammer grabs Clitoris Portis's facemask, and attempts to remove his head from his shoulders. It's a 15-yard penalty, but... it's clear that we aren't going to win, and, truth be told... I don't really mind. Do it again.
At the half, it's 27-0 Denver, in case you were wondering about the carnage.
Watching some stats scroll across the bottom of the screen, I see that Kurt Kittner had an 80 yard, 2 INT day, and I'm thinking that Doug Flutie is going to have to have a great second half to get to those numbers.
If the Bolts don't come out and improve in the 3rd quarter... I'm not sticking around for the 4th.
I'm watching a little bit of the Colts/Jets game while the wholesale murder of the Chargers is at the half, and... you know, I wish that whole lawsuit against Peyton Manning had never happened. It forced an image of Peyton's pasty white ass cheeks into my mind, and the image is so disturbing that I just can't get it out of my mind. It reminds me of the time when I was about 8 and saw a Friday the 13th movie for the first time... It terrified me, and I just couldn't get it out of my head. It's happening all over again, but it's not a murderer in a goalie mask, it's a doughy pale ass.
I apologize for sharing that with you.
The 2nd half is underway, and it's clear... the Chargers are not going to be better.
Sammy Davis, Charger rookie corner... is called for a taunting penalty, down 27-0. I don't mind at all... at this point, it's hard to imagine any sort of behavior from a Chargers player that would upset me. Fuck it, let's go for someone's knees.
Shannon Sharpe rings up his 3rd TD of the day... and it's 34-0 Broncos. I'd say that we look like a high school team, but... I'm not sure if we're that good today. Shannon Sharpe hasn't had a 3 TD day since 1996. That one, too, came courtesy of the Chargers.
It's times like these that bring out the great philosopher in all of us. My buddy AJ starts talking about the false start penalty, and how the start is just early, it's not really false. He did, in fact, start... he just did it before he was supposed to. AJ theorizes that it should be called an "early start." Am I sitting next to Joe Buck all the sudden? I'm just... silently staring around the room. How do you react to that sort of thing? I end up just bursting into laughter and telling him that he's right, it should be called an early start.
I can't believe I'm doing this... but I just looked up "false" in the dictionary. Two of the ten given definitions include, "arising from mistaken ideas," and "unwise; imprudent." So there. If the offensive lineman started on the mistaken idea that the snap count was on two, instead of three, his start was false. It was also unwise and imprudent, so again, it could be said to be false.
I just spent like 10 minutes doing that. Fuck you, AJ.
The third quarter ends. The Chargers have one first down. Three quarters. Forty-five minutes of play. And one time, we were able to gain 10 yards. Marty Schottenheimer is turning over in his grave.
You know what... fuck it, I'm leaving. If the Chargers end up adding a late TD, I'll just end up making fun of them for it, and I don't want to do that. It also doesn't look like Warren Sapp is going to be seriously injured, and really, that's the only reason I'd care about the Bucs/Packers game... and if I look at Peyton Manning anymore, I'll need therapy. I'm out.
| Comments: |
My name is jesse, i love the bengals. i drew a bengals head and put it on my party pool blue wall. Beneath it i have 2 turtles, 2 frogs and a fish. I love the bengals and i love to shop. My boyfriend has huge balls, much bigger than yours. ANyways, bengals fans have always loved the bengals and they all have huge balls.
love jesse
...posted by
Anonymous: 1/11/05 20:53 Post a Comment
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