Monday, November 24, 2003
| Week 12 - 2003/2004 |
We get things started today with a table-wide discussion about Michael Jackson, which is always a tremendous way to start your day. Myself, I'm thinking that Michael isn't the kind of guy who's going to do well in prison. Tiny white girls never really give me that impression. Chris remarks that "The King of Pop" would take on a whole new meaning. Sammy asks Blohm, the proud father of a 2-year-old boy, if he can get the youngster a trip to the Neverland Ranch for Christmas. Yeah, I'm surrounded by people who can't get enough prison rape/molestation jokes... I'm guessing that a lot of you will stop reading right now, and hey... I can't blame you. The good news is... there's nowhere to go but up.
The bar is just empty today, and what few people are here are sad and desperate Steelers fans. I get the feeling that it won't be long before most of them become sad, desperate and drunk Steelers fans.
There's also no Crazy Fish Guy and no Danks. It's really just not the same without either of them. Danks is supposedly visiting with family in Maine, but... I've got this nagging picture in my mind of Danks and Crazy Fish Guy alone in a cheap hotel room, Crazy Fish Guy was his hairy hand under Danks' Notre Dame Volleyball t-shirt. Good God. Remember earlier when I said there was nowhere to go but up? Yeah... never mind.
The games on the 1 o'clock menu are Buffalo/Indianapolis, Pittsburgh/Cleveland, and Seattle/Baltimore.
The games start out eerily reminiscent of last week's. I'm not really the kind of guy who needs there to be 70 points in a game to consider it interesting, but Good Lord... someone do something. If you're a fan of punters, this day is for you.
Terrell Suggs makes a play for the Ravens, and Ray Lewis goes after him like he just stole the last cookie from the commissary. Suggs just absorbed more punishment than David Carr takes in an average week, and it was a result of Ray Lewis celebrating.
45 minutes into the three games I'm watching... and I've seen one field goal.
Oh, wait... make that two field goals. All the scoring I've seen today can be attributed to Phil Dawson.
Actually, that last field goal did have a bit of drama attached to it. A Steelers fan snuck an air horn into the Browns stadium, and blew it just as Dawson was kicking. When they came back from commercial, CBS had a close-up of Dawson's face, giving his best, "I'm a scary kicker" look to the guy with the air horn. CBS also caught on camera security personnel taking the air horn away from the guy. Nice work, Steeler fan. I respect that.
Tommy Maddox manages to string together 4 completions in a row. Sammy and I begin chanting, "MVP!"
Y'know, as bad as this Pittsburgh/Cleveland game is right now, I at least know I'll have the Chargers and Bengals to provide some entertainment this afternoon. That's comforting.
The Browns secondary features someone named "Crocker." CBS zooms in and I yell, "FUCK YOU, BETTY." And then I spent the next 3 minutes saying, "You get it? Betty Crocker?" and watching people not laugh. Eh, eat me.
Adding to the scoring explosion are Mike Vanderjagt and Josh Brown. This afternoon has all the excitement of... I dunno, the Pro Bowl if everyone played on quaaludes.
The Steelers recover a fumble in Browns territory, and most Steeler fans in the bar are just imploring the offense not to lose any yards so they can at least kick a field goal. That's what it's come to for Steeler fans.
The Steelers move inside the 10 yard line, and Tommy Maddox is scrambling. He had a chance to run into the endzone, but pulled up and tried to throw a shovel pass into the endzone, but it fell incomplete. At least four people around me yell "PUSSY!" at Tommy Maddox.
Tommy Maddox hits Mark Bruener for a TD on the next play, and as CBS is showing Maddox celebrating, someone goes, "You're still a puss."
Terrell Suggs makes another play for the Ravens, and again, Ray Lewis assaults him. If I was Suggs, I'd stop making tackles.
I'm getting more than little tired of this commercial for the NFL Network that wants us all to believe that Rich Eisen is the coolest human being alive. This happens to every SportsCenter anchor at some point. They come up with some catchphrases, say some mildly amusing things, gather some popularity, and eventually begin think they're the coolest people on the planet, and end up annoying the hell out of everyone. I'm not saying the job is easy, but... you're a SportsCenter anchor. Stop acting like you've cured cancer or made some long-lasting positive contribution to humanity. It happened to Dan Patrick, it happened to Stuart Scott, and now Rich Eisen apparently believes that he is worthy of praise and adulation.
CBS shows a clip of their pregame show in which Deion said he could take off his suit right now and cover Keyshawn Johnson. Ouch. That's harsh, but you know... I've got no reason to doubt him. Deion retired because he was getting torched by guys like Marvin Harrison, but Keyshawn, of course, is nowhere near being in Marvin Harrison's league. If a Keyshawn/Deion one-on-one competition was on pay-per-view, I've got to admit... I'd be tempted.
The Browns give the ball to James Jackson at the goal line, and Kendrell Bell just jumps over the pile and throws a forearm at his head, keeping him out of the endzone. That was beautiful. He looked like former Intercontinental Champion Tito Santana coming off the ropes.
Koren Robinson scores a touchdown for the Seahawks, and busts out the sprinkler. Not bad, Koren. The Seahawks, by the way, have officially put an end to today's scoring drought.
There is one lone loud Buffalo fan in the bar, and I've dubbed him "Mr. Buffalo." I'm not quite sure how to explain it, but... he just looks like the city of Buffalo. He's a large man, with curly sloppy hair, a plain white t-shirt, he's loud and abrasive, and the only things in the world that are important to him are football and chicken wings. I'm with him. Go Bills.
The Steelers intercept a Browns pass in the endzone, and the bar gets suddenly loud. I've never seen so many people care so much about a team that's so bad.
#64 for the Colts... I don't know who he is or what position he plays, but he's large, white, wearing #64, and rumbling down the field with the ball. A defender comes up on him to make a play, and #64 gives him a little shoulder shimmy. It was pretty impressive. I mean, the man never actually changed directions, of course but for a minute there, it looked like he might've considered it.
Marcus Robinson has risen from the dead and made an appearance in the Ravens game... I think that might actually be his second touchdown. Where the hell did he come from? Do they have Ickey Woods stashed on the sidelines somewhere, too?
CBS has a great Edgerrin James stat... he's gained more career yards in the fourth quarter than he has in any other quarter. That's pretty impressive. And just after they show the stat, he's tearing through Bills defenders en route to the endzone. Guys were just bouncing off of him. He was sending men in the other direction like Barbara Bush in a bikini.
CBS is really going heavy on the Survivor commercials and promos today. Apparently, the worst deception ever has taken place, and someone has lost immunity. Good. I hope he gets a disease. I thought deception was the point... what could the person have done that was so bad? Did he slip a roofie to the host guy and forcefully sodomize him? I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me exactly what Survivor has to do with reality. It's every bit as real as Hollywood Squares or Celebrity Jeopardy.
Bobby Engram scores a touchdown for the Seahawks, and he too busts out the sprinkler. What's going on there? And why does anyone in Seattle even know what the fuck a sprinkler looks like? Do they not get enough water?
60 Minutes tonight, apparently, is all about porn, and how more people watch porn than watch sports. Man, that's a lot of porn. The CBS people are calling it "adult entertainment" during the commercials, which is too bad, because for some reason, the idea of hearing Greg Gumbel say the word "porno" strikes me as funny.
My buddy AJ is also wondering about CBS's choice of words. "I don't know why they call it adult entertainment; it was entertaining when I was a child, too."
The Browns are trying to put together a drive to tie the Steelers, and Chad Scott makes an interception, the first good play he's made since his junior year of high school.
Down 10 with 4:00 to play, the Ravens are working on an absurd comeback. Ray Lewis forces a fumble, and they get the ball back.
After a day of Marcus Robinson making catches, Frank Sanders comes up with a big play for Baltimore. Sammy asks, "Who ARE these people?"
The Chargers/Bengals game is going to be on the TV that the Ravens/Seahawks game is currently occupying, but that's OK... because all Seattle has to do is stop Baltimore from converting his 4th and 28.
Anthony Wright tosses up a prayer. Sammy yells in mid-flight, "KNOCK IT DOWN!" The defender fails to do so. Dammit man, don't you ever watch Primetime? JUST KNOCK IT DOWN. 1st down Ravens.
And touchdown Ravens. They're down 3. The Chargers game has already started. I've got a bad feeling about this.
The Seahawks, with two tries to gain less than a yard, can't get a 1st down to end the fucking game. I am upset to the point of taking the Lord's name in vain because I'm anxious to see a 2-8 team that's already down 7 points. It may be time for therapy.
The Ravens regain possession, toss a long pass, get an interference call, and kick the field goal. Overtime. It'll be at least 5 o'clock before the Bolts come on. By the way, it's 14-0 Bengals.
Atlanta has jumped out to a 21-0 lead over the Titans.
It is now 5 o'clock... and still no Bolts. I am apparently the only person here that's of the opinion that the Chargers game is the most important game of the afternoon.
Some assface fantasy fan in a Redskins jersey walks in from the bowling alley and takes a look at the TVs, and we have the following exchange:
Dick: Hey, what's Shaun Alexander doing in this game?
Me: Torturing me.
Dick: What?
Me: I don't know, he doesn't have any touchdowns.
And the Ravens mercifully end it. Although, you know, that didn't work out too well for Steelers fans. They'd have been just one game back in the division had Baltimore not put together a string of miracle plays there.
A waitress is sitting on a barstool near me, with her back turned towards me, wrapping silverware or something. A good two inches of an aquamarine thong is exposed. I've gotta tell ya, this whole thong craze is missing me. It's not sexy, and it can't be comfortable. I mean, what's attractive about a girl with fabric shoved forcefully into her asscrack?
Early in the Chiefs/Raiders game, they show the clip of Trent Green (when he was a Ram) taking the hit from Rodney Harrison (when he was a Charger) that made him miss the entire '99 season. I know what's coming, and I'm actively cheering for Rodney to get there in slow-motion and hurt him. And when Trent does go down, I'm laughing very loud and calling Trent Green a sissy. The Chiefs fan in front of me doesn't look amused.
One of the long-suffering Bengals superfans from last week is back (yes, just one of them), and he hears me rooting for the Chargers, and appears interested in starting up a little friendly rivalry with me. He tells me he's a Bengals fan, and he "hasn't been able to say that in 13 years." I hate this man.
AJ says he's leaving at halftime of the Chargers game. I ask him where he has to go, and he says, "I'm running out of cigarettes, man." I think he's still mad at me for making fun of his "early start" musings last week. Good. I hope he cries.
Chargers DB Sammy Davis bites hard a Chad Johnson fake, and is just embarrassed as Johnson walks by him to the endzone. Davis never got within three yards of him. That's what it should look like if I tried to D up Chad Johnson. Sammy Davis was just made to look like a preschooler.
The Bolts are down 28-13 at the half. The defense is playing pretty well, other than the fact that we can't stop them on the ground, or in the air. We have effectively halted their sea attack, however.
CBS shows Chad Johnson talking with Sammy Davis during a timeout. I'm imagining that conversation went something like:
CJ: So... what's it feel like to be my bitch?
Davis: *sniffle*
Back from the half, CBS has high school pictures of Marty Schottenheimer and Marvin Lewis, who apparently went to the same school. Marvin Lewis had a monstrous 'fro in high school. It was high quality. How the hell he fit that thing under a football helmet is a miracle. Unsolved Mysteries should dedicate a show to it.
And in the second half, Chad Johnson and Jon Kitna continue to put up Sega Genesis numbers against the Bolts.
Sweet, my girlfriend is here. Working the late shift, it seems. And she's... she's got her arm around some dude, and someone's taking their picture with a cell phone. I convince myself that she's just being friendly to a customer, slap myself in the forehead a few times, and turn my head.
It's now 31-13 Bengals. The 2nd half has not started as I planned. Oh, and I think my kidneys are failing.
And now my girlfriend is walking around the bar, still making physical contact with this guy and smiling. This is going way beyond the normal duties of a waitress. I'm really considering breaking things off with her. There are plenty of women out there who have more to offer me in an imaginary relationship.
The words "CHARLENE YOU ARE THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE WILL YOU MARRY ME" appear on the JumboTron at Qualcomm Stadium. I'm considering that sweet and romantic gesture, and looking at my girlfriend and thinking to myself, "That could've been you someday, baby. But now that ship has SAILED, SWEETHEART."
Both the Tennessee/Atlanta and KC/Oakland games are far more competitive and meaningful, but my eyes refuse to leave the continued maiming of the Chargers. At this point, I'm entertaining notions of a comeback. It's amazing how logic manages to evacuate my mind at about this point every Sunday.
Sebastian Janikowski is wearing a baggy sweatshirt under his jersey, a big puffy handwarmer, and way too many pads for a kicker. I'm not buying it. I think he's got at least a couple kilos stashed on his body.
The Chargers are down by 11 with 10 minutes to play... I'm feeling some Flutie magic.
Phillip Buchanon, genius and Raiders DB, commits a huge penalty by taking his helmet off on the field. Why is it always the Chiefs that benefit from this sort of thing?
The Bengals throw deep to Chad Johnson in the endzone, and... in a bit of an upset, Sammy Davis manages not to completely screw the pooch. He actually made a pretty sweet play. And Chad Johnson congratulated him on it. That was awesome, all the way around. The 'Gals settle for a field goal. All we need are two touchdowns, baby. MJD believes.
I get a look at Michael Vick's giant diamond earrings on the sidelines of the Falcons game. And they weren't on TV, I could actually see them from here.
I love it when Greg Gumbel and Phil Simms talk about Rich Gannon's injury, mainly because when they say "torn labrum," I pretend that "labrum" is the plural form of "labia."
Touchdown Bolts. David Boston got loose for a touchdown with about 3:00 to play. We have all three timeouts, and just need a quick stop. MJD BELIEVES.
The Chiefs are about to attempt a game-winning field goal... and it's good. Sorry, Raiders. I think I just saw Sebastian Janikowski offer Bill Callahan some E.
3rd and 2 for the Bengals... come on defense. MJD BELIEVES.
1st down Bengals. MJD no longer believes.
Ooooh, and an idiot Bengals RB goes out of bounds and stops the clock. 3rd and 5, with 2:25 to play. MJD BELIEVES AGAIN.
1st down Bengals. And MJD no longer believes. MJD frowns. And MJD is going home.
