Monday, December 01, 2003
| Week 13 - 2003/2004 |
Well, my buddy Danks has pulled off a neat little trick this week. He's managed to embarrass me before I'm even in the building. In the parking lot, I see his new ride... and there's a "Notre Dame Mom" sticker on the back windshield. I don't think, if I even tried to make up something embarrassing about Danks, that I could top that.
The CBS pregame show has snippets of Lawrence Taylor's 60 Minutes interview, where he talked about his love of hookers and crack, and Boomer Esiason is just outraged. He says something to the effect of "That is not the NFL I played in, blah blah blah, I have my kids asking me what crack cocaine is, I don't need to hear this, blah blah blah." Sorry, Boomer, that was the NFL you played in, you just didn't get invited to the cool parties, dork. But seriously, a lot of players in the NFL have used and/or continue to use drugs. I don't think I'm going out on a limb there. So why turn a blind eye to it? Why does Boomer want to pretend it doesn't exist, and how does that help the situation in any way? Deion, appropriately, lit him up, and in my opinion, embarrassed the man.
Speaking of Deion, he explained today why he never ever picks the Chargers to win. It seems that someone poured a beer on him once in San Diego, and he's never forgotten it because he's never tasted alcohol. Yeah, neither has Vin Baker.
Crazy Fish Guy makes a surprise appearance. I wasn't expecting him because the Fish played on Thursday, but... here he is. And he's not wearing Dolphins gear, either... he doesn't quite look himself. Like Superman without the cape. He walks in and takes a look around the place, and he's eyeing up our table. I can just tell he's thinking of coming over. I'm trying to avoid eye contact. He goes to the bar. Nice.
The early games on the menu are Steelers/Bengals, Rams/Vikings, and Ravens/49ers. I'm sorry to say that Danks has left the table to go watch the Patriots game, which is only on at the bar. For those of you who were looking forward to laughing more at Danks, I apologize for the inconvenience. Hang tight, though.
Bengals Rookie WR Kelley Washington runs a simple little out-and-up pattern, which thoroughly confuses Steelers corner Chad Scott. Touchdown Bengals. The ball was even under thrown, Washington had to wait for it, and Scott still wasn't within 5 yards of him. There are people in this bar that could've covered that better. Some of them are over 40. And have one leg.
It's 17-7 Rams, early. What happened to the Vikings? Does anyone else remember when they were good? They're in the early stages of what could be a historic meltdown.
Big Tom Brady is like 11 of 11 early in the Patriots/Colts game, which would be impressive if more than 2 of those throws actually had to leave the backfield. I find Tom Brady highly annoying. The NFL should institute a rule requiring any playoff team to have one good offensive player.
Daunte Culpepper breaks off a 30-yard run for the Vikings. It really is impressive to see that huge ass moving at that speed. The last time the earth saw something that big moving that fast, it hit an iceberg, and Leonardo DiCaprio made a movie about it.
Jon Kitna (the benefit of Chad Scott in the opposing backfield notwithstanding) is really playing excellent football. Is the plan of handing the reins to Carson Palmer next year still in place? It would be hard to bench a guy playing as efficiently as he is. And it's not a Tom Brady or Brad Johnson type of efficient, either. He throws downfield often, and picks up large chunks or yardage, and does it without turning the ball over. I'm a Jon Kitna fan.
Chad Scott, once again, just embarrasses the entire profession of cornerback. He bit on a Chad Johnson fake in the endzone that left him about 6 yards away from the ball. I mean, the endzone isn't that big, it's hard to lose a guy by that much.
Jeff Garcia... is not having his finest game. It seems like every time I look over to that game, someone wearing purple catches a Jeff Garcia pass. I'm really hoping that this QB controversy in San Francisco escalates. I hope Garcia hides out in the film room, waiting for Rattay... and knocks him out with a big roll of film, and then holds a shank to his ear and says, "You're gonna swallow what I give you to swallow... or I'm gonna sink all nine inches of this into your ear."
CBS shows all of Tom Brady's 16 completions at halftime, and about three of them traveled more than four yards. Ryan Leaf could be making these throws. Crazy Fish Guy could be making these throws.
Since it's halftime, I'm reminded of the halftime show I witnessed on Thanksgiving during the Cowboys/Dolphins game. I had never in my life been quite so embarrassed to be an American. That country singer who does the Ford Truck commercials was singing some song about how great it is that the United States is bombing Iraq and Afghanistan. You know, my beliefs about the justification of the war aren't really relevant, but the fact of the matter is that a war occurred, innocent people suffered and died, and we make halftime shows out of it, complete with balloons, fireworks, and 6th-grade girls in Dallas Cowboys cheerleader outfits. I thought about dedicated an entire column to it, but by the time I finished it, I'd have had to go and find that Ford Truck douchefuck and beat him within an inch of his life with a ball-peen hammer.
Fox gives us some crowd shots in the Vikings/Rams game, and my buddy Chris remarks, "They've shown like three women in the St. Louis crowd, and... well, St. Louis is not the place to find a woman." My buddy Sammy theorizes that Brenda Warner may actually be the most attractive woman in St. Louis.
It's as if they've decided to turn back the clock a few years in the Vikes/Rams game. Marshall Faulk is healthy and productive, and the Vikings D is soft and weak.
The Steelers/Bengals game is coming down to the wire. There's 1:30 left, and the Steelers need a touchdown drive.
A guy for the Rams made a catch with his knees. I don't know how he managed to do it, but... he was rolling around, the ball came to him, and he squeezed it with his thighs. The referees refused to rule it a catch. If players aren't allowed to catch between their legs, isn't that discriminatory against wide receivers who don't have arms? That is clearly in violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Hines Ward gets kneed in the back on one play, and then takes a big shot to the ribs on the next play. He is clearly in pain, but there's just no time for whining. The Steelers need a touchdown. On the next play, Hines finds the endzone, and is helped off the field, immediately to the trainer. Hines Ward has a serious pair of balls. A very manly display.
But it takes the Bengals about four plays to march down the field and score the game-winning TD. So yeah, Hines, thanks for sacrificing your health. Here's another loss. Have a nice day.
New England's considerable lead has melted to 4, when the Colts have four plays to get in from the two yard line. Some very weak play-calling and offensive line play by the Colts allows the Patriots and Big Tom Brady to hang on. With all the weapons the Colts have, and 3rd down, the best they can come up with is a fade to a white guy? Come on now.
The Chargers game is underway, and Dante Hall takes the kickoff. I've grown to hate Dante Hall. He's tackled inside his own 30, and I yell for someone to kick him as he lays prone on the ground. Immediately after that, the Chargers are called for a personal foul, despite no one doing anything to warrant one. I feel like Johnny Grier heard me and flagged me.
Quentin Jammer intercepts Trent Green on the first play from scrimmage. Green returns to the sidelines to give Dick Vermeil a backrub.
Danks returns to the table, after having just spent three hours sitting next to Crazy Fish Guy. Perhaps for the 2nd week in a row. Crazy Fish Guy, apparently, really does have money on every game being played every Sunday. Wow. He also isn't a master football tactician, it seems. He was recommending to Danks that the Patriots go for it and 4th down at their own 20 in the first half, and go for two when the score is tied. See, this just goes to show you... there is no rhyme or reason to betting in the NFL. If Crazy Fish Guy can do OK, then, that's hard proof that no amount of skill or knowledge is going to give anyone an advantage over a bookie.
My buddies and I, inexplicably, get excited when a referee makes an "unabated to the quarterback" call. The sound isn't on the Bolts game, but we see a Chiefs player go streaking towards Doug Flutie before the snap. We are filled with eager anticipation as we read Johnny Grier's lips... YES! IT WAS UNABATED! WOOHOO!
The Chargers suck. Just in case you had forgotten.
We are absolutely powerless to stop Priest Holmes, in fact, we are even powerless to stop Derrick Blaylock. There is just nothing we can do. It's like Priest gets an automatic 4 yards just for touching the ball.
14-0 Chiefs, and Doug Flutie throws an interception. By the way, next week, I'm considering skipping a road trip to see some Top-20 college basketball, just so I can stay here and watch the Chargers/Lions game. If you know of any foundations out there that can help people like me, please let me know.
Our waitress leaves, and tells us that our new waitress is Erin... which is the name of my girlfriend. Excuse me, EX-GIRLFRIEND, after I saw her whoring around last week. As it turns out, there's a new Erin, a different girl. I might have to run some game on her, just to make the old Erin jealous.
LaDainian Tomlinson scores a touchdown... and somehow, we are in this game.
Tim Hasselbeck, new Redskins quarterback... is just not an attractive man. Neither is Kelly Holcomb. Holcomb looks like a 12-year-old recovering alcoholic.
I'm just wondering when some referee is going to develop a sense of humor about the instant replay ruling explanation. I want to hear a guy say, in his clear and sensible officiating voice, "After further review... I don't know what the hell I was thinking. The guy clearly had two feet in bounds, but... well, I put some lumber down on this game, and I thought I could get away with some bullshit. I am sorry. Ever since my wife left me, I've made a series of bad decisions. That explains the new tattoo, the massive 900-number phone bill, and the fact that I murdered a gas station attendant this morning. First down."
Fox has a very touching music video montage of some Tim Hasselbeck highlights, set to a light and breezy Sheryl Crow tune. Fox really knows how to get people fired up for football. So many times, after listening to Sheryl Crow, I will spontaneously scream, "TEAR HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF."
I'm noticing that this might be a short edition of the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord, and Chris suggests that I start making up stories about how he jumped up on the table, took his clothes off, and started slapping Bengals fans with his cock. I considered it, actually... and then I thought it would just be funnier if I said that he recommended that. Also, that way, he looks like the fucked up guy, not me.
About this time, the new waitress comes over and asks Chris if he wants to order any food. This, despite the fact that he ordered about 10 minutes ago. New Erin has been extremely busy, it seems, and is having a rough day. She leans down on me, resting her arm on my shoulder, laughing at herself, and says, "Can I go home?" And I'm thinking to myself, "Yeah... WITH ME." I think this will turn out to be the first tender moment in our young relationship.
On just pure talent alone, David Boston is the 2nd best receiver in the NFL. However, when you add in things like emotional stability, work ethic, and willingness to sacrifice for the team, he is the 208th best receiver in the NFL.
In regards to the potential new girlfriend/waitress, Danks suggests that looking at a girl's pupils can tell you how attracted she is to you. The bigger the pupil, the more attraction there is. Chris points out that it could also mean she was tripping on 'shrooms. In light of the recent happenings with Chris's order, it's a possibility. Danks says that if I ask her if she's digging my action, she'll so, "No, I'm just tripping my balls off. You look like Skeletor."
I just saw two people engaging in foreplay in a bathroom... in a cell phone commercial. What a tremendous little culture we've carved out for ourselves.
Dougie finds a wide open David Boston in the back of the endzone... and we've got a one-possession game. It's 21-17. Holy fuck.
Chris and I engage in a small argument about who's gunshot wound was manlier, Terrence Kiel's, or Joey Porter's. Kiel is the clear answer. I know I've mentioned this before, but Kiel took one in the abdomen and one in the leg in a carjacking. Porter was hanging around outside of a club and took a stray in the ass. Really, he probably milked the whole thing for all it was worth. If it was me, I'd have just pulled the bullet out, poured some peroxide over the wound, and went on with my day.
My ex-girlfriend is running around, playfully chasing a little kid. It's kinda cute, but not cute enough for that harlot to regain her spot in my heart. I'm just wondering if the kid is mine. He kinda has my eyebrows. If they were blonde.
I've gotta give props to the Chargers secondary today. They have been outstanding.
A Doug Flutie turnover leads to a quick Chiefs TD, and... I am no longer happy. It was a great turnover, too. Doug was in the shotgun, and the ball came at him, and he just swatted it away like it was going to burn him.
And on the ensuing possession, Doug marches us down the field, throws complete in the endzone to someone wearing red pants. The game appears to be over.
If the Saints/Skins game gives us one more crowd shot of Tim Hasselbeck's wife, I'm going to... well, I'll probably be thinking about her as I masturbate. Someone on the Fox production team is just amazed that someone as unattractive as Tim Hasselbeck could be married to someone that attractive, and he keeps showing it to boost his confidence.
Not interested in seeing the obligatory late meaningless Chargers TD, it is once again time to call it a day.
