Monday, December 08, 2003
| Week 14 - 2003/2004 |
I had a suspicion that it might be difficult to get the Chargers game on today. Apparently, there are people in the world who don't feel like San Diego vs. Detroit is a big game. Go figure. But when next April rolls around and everyone's wondering who's going to be drafted #1 overall, IT WON'T SEEM SO SMALL, THEN, WILL IT, BITCH? No one is buying this argument today, however. I do give the sports bar props for telling me that they can't put the game on because their "satellite card is frozen," a blatant lie so they don't have to say, "Your team sucks, loser."
Our table has been stolen by a group of about 82 people, and since I don't feel like fighting more than 70 people at the moment, Danks and I take a seat in the back. Terry Bradshaw is babbling on FOX's pregame show, putting Jim Haslett in about 4 different jobs next year, despite the fact that he's got four years left on his Saints contract.
Danks is still glowing about his 3+ hours spent sitting next to Crazy Fish Guy last week, and our conversation turns to speculation about what he does for a living. I guess that he's a multi-millionaire, his family fortune having been made in the ladies' plus size undergarments industry, and now he's just laying low and gambling it all away. If there's any left of that fortune, I dream that he will bequeath it to me.
Speak of the devil, and Crazy Fish Guy shall appear. He comes over and starts talking to Danks about the Patriots/Fish game, and it's like they're old friends. Friendly AFC East Rivals... and caring and supportive lovers. It's very sweet.
A waitress comes to the back room and finds us and says, "Hey, you guys want your table?" The oafs that were there before have gone, and she made a trip back to tell us. That's a beautiful thing.
So we're back in the front room now. The games on the menu are... Cincinnati/Baltimore, Oakland/Pittsburgh (and San Diego/Detroit is bad?), and Seattle/Minnesota.
Danks and A.J. are sitting next to each other as they go head-to-head in a fantasy football playoff game. The day is set up for some legendary trash talk, but it seems that neither of them are manly enough to start saying anything.
I know I said the Steelers/Raiders game was bad earlier, but that was before I remembered that we'd all get to see the Maddux/Mirer showdown that we've been waiting for all season.
The CBS commentators can't stop talking about what Bill Callahan said last week, when he called the Raiders "the dumbest team in America." I just don't know why there's this much controversy about it. One, limiting the field of comparison to America makes it an understatement. I'm sure most worldwide teams in any sport, in any age group, are smarter than the Raiders. And two, the fact that the Raiders are dumb... what was he expecting? Did he expect film sessions to be like Mensa meetings? Why the anger? That's like being elected to Congress, and showing up and saying, "Dammit, everyone here is white." Well, yeah... what did you expect?
Kordell connects with some anonymous Bears receiver for a long TD pass, and if the Bears win today, they actually have some playoff hope. How amusing would it be for Kordell to make the playoffs in Chicago while Pittsburgh wins 6 games?
Score update: San Diego 7, Detroit 0. I explode in celebration. People seem confused and annoyed.
In the first quarter, Washington's total offense is roughly equal to the length of my cock.
Baltimore is owning the Bengals in the first half. The score is still relatively close, but the Baltimore defense is locking down Jon Kitna, and Jamal Lewis is running hard. I hate the Ravens. I wish they weren't good.
Randy Moss is just not fair. The Seahawks are powerless to stop him. I wonder how many Vikings huddles have sounded something like, "So, Randy... you just run real fast, turn around at about the goal line and catch it, OK?" "Okay."
There's a commercial for 60 Minutes, and tonight's show is about the Abercrombie & Fitch company, possibly doing more to destroy any moral fiber left in America than any other company. Naked teenagers, racism, tremendous. Thanks for your contribution to society, you dirty money-grubbing whores.
A big man for the Ravens is laying on the ground. There are a lot of Ravens fans in the house, and they're all kinda quiet right now, and without the Chargers, I'm overcome with boredom, so... I start yelling for him to quit faking it and just get up. No one seems amused except my buddy Chris, who's also reminding me that he could be seriously hurt. He's right, he could be, I don't know. Eh, whatever. I keep yelling, "JUST GET UP, BITCH."
Deuce McAllister has his helmet popped off in the backfield, and then still goes for about a 7-yard gain. I don't think I had ever seen his face before. His helmet came off, and defenders starting running in the other direction. He has what you might call... an unsightly grill.
It's now 14-0 Bolts. You know, I'm glad they're winning, I guess... but if I can't watch it, I'd just assume they lost and got the better draft pick. Really, how much joy are they bringing me today? It looks like I'm going to need Atlanta to win tonight so we don't lose pace.
Rick Mirer's halftime numbers: 3/11, 20 yards, 1 INT. I wonder if the Patriots made the right decision, taking Bledsoe over Mirer.
Snoop Dogg has broken another cultural barrier and brought us all closer together: he's become the first gangsta rapper to appear in an AOL commercial. Way to tear down those barriers, Snoop... from now on, I may just call him Jackie Robinson. What a brutal commercial. For some reason, Snoop being in an AOL commercial bothers me way more than him producing a full-length porn DVD. It's just sad. It's like watching Joe Montana play for the Chiefs.
The Minnesota punter drops the snap and just takes off running up the middle, easily picking up the first down. Seattle LB Isiah Kacyvenski runs downfield alongside him, about 3 feet away, for 15 yards before he realizes that someone next to him has the ball. That's probably not going on his personal highlight reel. Great camera shot.
Hines Ward catches a ball downfield for the Steelers, and then laterals to... either Jay Riemersma and Dan Krieder, I'm not sure, one of the big white guys who's number ends in 5 for the Steelers. Bill Cowher yells at Hines, kinda laughing, "DON'T YOU DO THAT!" If the game were close, I don't think Bill would be laughing so much, I think his foot would be broken off in Hines' ass.
The Steelers/Raiders game has become a romp, so CBS switches us to the Titans/Colts game, where Steve McNair is going to need to work some magic.
Detroit has pulled to within 7 of the Bolts.
A Bills fan sits down at the table next to us. Danks holds his lighter to him as if he's going to set him on fire. I wish his jacket was made of some strange new highly flammable material, just so I could see Danks' face when the thing went up.
Bruce Smith records his record-setting sack for the Redskins. Yay. His recent quest for that record has been obscene, stealing playing time from someone who's probably more deserving at this point, complaining to the owner that he wants more playing time, all because he wants his name to be in the record books for an achievement to which he has no rightful claim. The NFL's all-time sack leader is Deacon Jones, but since the NFL didn't start keeping that sack until '82, he gets left out. Congratulations, Bruce Smith, paper sack champion. Go retire.
The Titans are getting the ball back with about 50 seconds on the clock, no timeouts, and they need a field goal. Justin McCareins, however, fumbles. Sad way to end that game. Steve McNair, in his postgame press conference, had nothing but good things to say about Justin McCareins, and how if McCareins didn't make some of the plays he had made earlier in the game, they wouldn't even have been in a position to make a run at the end. Nice move by McNair. That's what a good teammate and leader does. McCareins had to appreciate that.
The Patriots/Dolphins game is underway, and it's not yet clear how the weather will affect the Patriots 4-yards-and-under passing game. The snow is piled up around the stadium and the bleachers looks like they're still full of snow. It may not be a lot of fun for the players or the fans, but it looks awesome on TV.
Shawn Bryson, who Danks started in a fantasy football playoff game, had 8 catches for 42 yards. Odd, I didn't even know he had been traded to the Patriots.
Crazy Fish Guy is sitting behind us, and in a bit of an upset, he's talking to a woman. She's got puffy bleach-blonde hair... I dunno, she kinda looks like an ex-Brooklyn hooker that's found God. For some reason, I can picture her going through Crazy Fish Guy's wallet as he's passed out asleep in a cheap motel. Damn my imagination. Anyway, I don't know who this woman is, or who she's with, but she's getting an earful about the Dolphins. I'd imagine that if this lady doesn't know what "the over" is, she's probably pretty confused. Oh, and I've also decided to refer to her as Crazy Fish Ho.
Dave Wannstedt, his tan, and his aqua and orange knit cap look absurd.
The Patriots get an early field goal from Adam Vinatieri, and looking at the field, and the complete discomfort of the Dolphins, I tell Danks that that's all the points they'll need. It's over. That 3 might as well be 45.
You may remember another Dolphins fan who I once theorized was Crazy Fish Guy's illegitimate son. He's sitting a couple spots away from Crazy Fish Guy. I'm guessing that Crazy Fish Guy made his son go sit somewhere else while he tried to spit game at Crazy Fish Ho.
And now a brief pause as I go watch WVU whoop Maryland's ass in basketball, just weeks before they also whoop their ass in football...
...alright, we had a little overtime situation there, and I missed about the entire first half of the 4 o'clock games. The Mounties, however, did pull out an overtime victory. I did manage to see Jamie Nails of the Dolphins have his helmet cracked open by Ted Johnson. Really, the thing just literally split in half. That had to be just a little bit frightening. After the game, Ted Johnson had these comments: "(Nails) looked at me like, `Is that the way it's going to be?' And we were like, `Yeah, that's the way it's going to be.'" Pretty manly, for a Patriot.
As I return to my table, it appears that Crazy Fish Ho has left. That's too bad. But there is always the possibility that she's just going to get their cheap hotel room ready... wine, incense, vibrating bed, that sort of thing. Danks gives her directions as she leaves.
Someone is interviewing Donovan McNabb after their 36-10 mauling of the Cowboys, and after Steve McNair, I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have as the quarterback of my team (sorry Dougie). Through the whole year, when the Eagles were down, and now that they're up, he's remained calm, had confidence in himself in his teammates, never got too low, never got too high, and the Eagles are playing their best football at the right time.
Of course, that's all just a little bit of social concern on my part, and my desire to prop up a black quarterback.
Watching some halftime highlights, I see that Warren Sapp had another touchdown today. I hate him more and more with each week. For me, the list of the most vile human beings on earth goes 1) Osama, 2) Sapp, 3) Saddam.
A commercial for a Gateway computer flashes the words, "Respect musicians and their copyrights" across the screen for no apparent reason. How nice. Why don't they tell all of our popular musicians and record companies to respect the general public by not giving people like Kid Rock record deals. I'm supposed to respect his copyrights? Why? Because someone spent 8 minutes writing a song for him, he performed it in a cowboy hat and a wifebeater, and now it's a hit? Yeah, that's completely respectable.
Man, I get bitter when the Chargers aren't on. My apologies. To you, that is, not Kid Rock.
Rodney Harrison absolutely mauls Jay Fiedler and forces a fumble that should about end the game. If you're a quarterback and you turn to your blindside, about the last person in the world you want to see right there is Rodney Harrison. Patriots recover. The Dolphins are without hope.
Some guy walks in from the bowling alley and asks us, "Did they announce who's playing in the Super Bowl yet?" No, pal, they didn't, but check back in a few months.
Somehow, Paris Hilton has come up in conversation, and Danks says, "I would be proud to be in a sex video with her. I'd want all of you guys to see it." Eh, no thanks. I do anxiously await the release of the Danks/Crazy Fish Guy video, however.
Deion Branch catches a pass about 20 yards downfield for the Patriots. And then a couple of plays later, he does it again. Wow, Tom Brady is really overthrowing those four yard dump-offs.
The score is still 3-0, and I turn around and say to Crazy Fish Guy, "I hope you didn't take the over." And he goes, "HELL NO, I TOOK THE UNDER!" I just can't make that sound as amusing as it was in person. Crazy Fish Guy is awesome.
Jay Fiedler throws a touchdown pass to Tedy Bruschi, and it's now 10-0 Pats. The New England fans are all throwing handfuls of snow up into the air, and on TV, it just looks awesome. Great visual (courtesy of [stolen from, actually] the Sports Frog).
Y'know, if I was an NFL free agent, and Buffalo wanted me... I don't think I could sign with them, just on the off chance that I'd have to see Sam Adams in the shower.
I feel bad for Junior Seau. The poor guy goes to a new team, and they do have an excellent defense, but their offense just can't score enough points to win games. That's gotta be hard for him to get used to. Oh, wait. Never mind.
Clinton Portis gives a game ball to his mother on the sidelines. Very sweet. Portis looks just like his mother. And he doesn't look feminine at all. Which isn't such a good thing for Mrs. Portis.
Patriots fans are throwing the snow once again. It looks like a lot of fun to be there right now... I bet all the people who went home at halftime because their feet were cold are now regretting it. The Patriots are pretty impressive, for a team that (with the exception of Rodney Harrison) lacks good players. They play excellent defense, and their offense somehow manages to prance their way up and down the field, four yard completion by four yard completion. The AFC playoffs are shaping up to be very intriguing. Indy, Tennessee, KC, New England, Baltimore... all of those teams are playing very very good football right now.
