Monday, December 15, 2003
| Week 15- 2003/2004 |
I get to the place a little later than usual, and still... it's empty. There are 2 people in the place that aren't employees. My ex-girlfriend, who's working the bar today, says hello to me as I walk in, and I walk by like it never happened. Because that is how MJD rolls.
When I get there, CBS still has news coverage of the Saddam capture, which does not amuse me. I decide that if I miss any football because of this, I'm going to find where he is and set him free. I'm going to spring Saddam.
Who the hell is that guy in the "WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!" commercial? Good Lord... when they did the casting call, did they ask for the most annoying, over-the-top oiled-up bastard in the world? If Ray Lewis had a greasy little brother with ADD, it would be this fella.
The Fox pregame show is running a poll, and the question is: "Who is the league's most impressive Johnson?" Y'know, it's so hard to tell with everyone wearing cups. Perhaps this question would be better posed to Hank Bauer, former Chargers TE, and current Chargers radio color man (more on that later).
I wanted to vote Tom Brady or Doug Chapman, but they weren't options.
The crowd at the Steelers/Jets game looks a lot like the crowd here at the bar. The Cardinals have had crowds that have dwarfed this one. And it's snowing like a bastard, too. What's more slippery, snow on grass, or snow on the new rubber field surfaces?
Gus Johnson starts off the broadcast by saying it's a "special day in America!" referring, I guess, to the capture of Saddam Hussein. I don't understand why it makes today any more special for me, and Danks remarks that Saddam didn't look like he's been doing too much recently. Danks makes a fine point... the guy clearly couldn't even get his hands on a comb, so exactly what threat he was posing to the rest of the world, I'm not sure. Don't get me wrong, I don't want the bastard running around free, but I wasn't losing any sleep over the possibility that he might attack me with his scary beard.
It doesn't look like Crazy Fish Guy is going to be here today. I don't think the Fish play today, but he could at least show up and root for the over in every game. I ask one of the waitresses where he is, and she said something about a pentagon briefing for his heroic actions in the capture of a world dictator or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
Danks has left me... the Patriots game is on in the back, and they won't change it, despite the fact that Danks and I make up over 66% of their clientele right now.
Bill Cowher is standing on the field in warm-ups, snow a few inches deep on the field, and he looks into the camera and says, "This is football for the purists. Can't ask for anything more." That's pretty manly. How many other NFL coaches would be out there, freezing their stones off and being that excited about it?
Doing the Smorgasbord is a lot harder when I'm at a table by myself.
A waitress comes over to me and asks me if my name is Josh. It is not. Apparently, someone had called the bar and asked her to give a message to Josh, but described him only as "the guy who's there every week." And she automatically thought of me. I'm honored. I'm also a complete loser.
I think I might be the only Steeler fan here at this point, and I'm not even a Steeler fan. The crowd has swelled to about 8.
On a snow-covered field in a blizzard, the Jets have thrown the ball downfield on the first two plays. And the Steelers can't stop it. That's how good the Steelers secondary is - they can't slow down a passing game in a fucking blizzard. I start wondering about what kind of natural disaster would be most advantageous to the Steelers secondary. I think a tsunami would be best, but sadly, there aren't many tsunamis in Pittsburgh.
Marc Bulger takes a safety, and Seattle has a lead on the road for the first time since Chuck Knox retired.
There are massive piles of snow against the sides of the field in the Steelers/Jets game. I think Jets DT Josh Evans just tried to snort one of them.
Jerome Bettis moves into 8th on the NFL's all-time rushing list. That is unspeakably impressive for a running back of his size. Big backs like that have good years (Natrone Means, Marion Butts, Craig Heyward), but rarely do they say healthy enough to have a career that puts them in the Top 10 all-time. Jerome Bettis is the best big back in NFL history.
Speaking of impressive running backs, CBS has some interesting stats on Eddie George, who is taking a ton of criticism lately. 1) he's got the most carries in the NFL this year of anyone without a fumble, and 2) his yards per carry has increased in each month of this season.
Speaking of the Titans, Billy Volek reminds me a lot of Steve McNair, except without the arm strength, accuracy, mobility, or pocket presence. Their uniforms are similar, though.
Santana Moss was wide open in all directions by 15 yards, and Pennington lofted the ball up for him... and Moss just falls down. Great play, Dwayne Washington.
Some knob in the Jets crowd had a sign offering, "Congrat's" to the U.S. Military for their capture. The sentiment is lovely, but as flattered as I'm sure the armed forces are, the American public school system can't be happy about the use of the apostrophe in "Congrat's."
Seattle is now losing, 14-2. That's more like it.
My man the Rect-Dogg rolls in at about 2 o'clock, hardcore Steelers fan that he is. He's an intelligent adult male, but for as long as I've known him, he's managed to always look like a 10-year-old boy who ran away from home about two weeks ago. I think he's hungover. At the very least.
The Rect-Dogg is owner of a fantasy team that's playing for the championship in our league today, and asks me, completely seriously, if quarterbacks lose points for taking safeties or for throwing interceptions. He's in the championship game and doesn't know the rules of the league. As league commissioner, I'm embarrassed.
Chad Pennington throws a deep ball intended for Santana Moss, who managed to somehow get open in the Steelers secondary... only he was 8 yards out of the back of the endzone. The snow is such that Pennington had no idea of the whereabouts of the endzone.
Marc Bulger throws a TD pass for the Rams and the Rect-Dogg takes the opportunity to display his gross misunderstanding of the scoring system of our league. The TD pass, (yards and completion included) is worth 5 and a third points. Rect-Dogg guessed nine. Shameful. I feel much shame for my league. How would Paul Tagliabue explain it if, come January, the Chargers somehow miraculously ended up in the Super Bowl? That's how I feel right now.
By the way, it's 2:30 in the afternoon, and the Rect-Dogg had no idea about Saddam.
At halftime of the Steelers/Jets game, Dan Marino refers to Mike Logan as "Ernie Logan." Who the hell is Ernie Logan?
It's snowing like a bastard outside, I may have to bounce early today. The roads... don't look good.
At halftime, the Colts are outgaining the Falcons by 227-29. Not pretty.
One of the great things about the NFL playoffs approaching, to me at least, is the return of the Don Cheadle commercials. It just doesn't get cooler than Don Cheadle.
Weather has knocked out the satellite signal for the St. Louis/Seattle game. And the Titans/Bills game is going in and out.
Billy Volek coughs up a fumble, and then just stands there in one spot and watching Pat Williams take it to the house. Pat Williams, by the way, is bigger than many cars, and can absolutely haul. Volek really just made no effort to... do anything. He just stood there and watched everything happen.
A guy with an accent I can, regrettably, only describe as African, is sitting behind me cheering hard for Amos Zereoue. The way he says "Zereoue" is just as cool as it can be. Every time Tommy Maddox drops backs, he either says, "Get a touchdown!" or implores Tommy to throw it to Zereoue.
Tommy Maddox, trailing by 6 and inside the Jets 10, throws an interception. Fortunately for the Steelers, the Jets roughed the passer. Unfortunately for the Steelers, they didn't rough him hard enough to knock him from the game.
I find myself pulling hard for the Steelers in the absence of all my Steeler-loving homies. I can't really explain why. I feel like I have to represent in their absence.
The African fella claims that Zereoue is open on every play, and that Tommy Maddox just never sees him. He says at one point, "He must think he's a snowman!" I am in a sports bar in West Virginia, sitting next to an African man who's rooting for another African man in a snowstorm in New York. This will probably never happen to me again.
The Steelers are held out of the endzone... and then miss the field goal. Outstanding work, Steelers. The showdown next week against the Chargers looms large in terms of draft pick implications.
And on that note, I'm going to have to bounce. The snow is not relenting, and if I wait until later, I'll be spending the night at the sports bar... which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to worry about my ex-girlfriend being all up on my jock all night. I just don't want to deal with that.
(At this point, I went home... and listened to an Internet radio broadcast of the Chargers/Packers game. What follows is the transcript of an Instant Messenger conversation I had during the game with my man Wilcox, a Cowboys fan in the midst of watching them slap Washington around.)
Wilcox: No Sports Bar?
TheMightyMJD: Had to come home early. Weather.
Wilcox: Oh.
Wilcox: That must suck, especially since Bolts are playing.
TheMightyMJD: I'm listening to them.
TheMightyMJD: The Chargers color commentator is talking about how he needs to get himself in a Paris Hilton video.
Wilcox: Your announcers don't seem like good people.
TheMightyMJD: Danks would love him.
TheMightyMJD: By the way, listening to internet radio broadcasts of NFL games isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds.
Wilcox: That's funny, because it sounds about as much fun as an enema.
TheMightyMJD: Well, I'm not as much of an expert on things going up my ass as you are.
Wilcox: Newman has two picks today. I am wearing my Newman jersey.
TheMightyMJD: That's terrific.
TheMightyMJD: Antonio Gates is having a nice game.
TheMightyMJD: Brees is 9/13.
Wilcox: Impressive.
Wilcox: He's playing better than Q.
TheMightyMJD: Kasim Osgood RULES.
Wilcox: Q!
Wilcox: 5 yard TD run.
TheMightyMJD: Hey, red zone interception Thanks, Drew.
TheMightyMJD: E-LI! E-LI!
Wilcox: You don't like Ben Reallylonglastname as much?
TheMightyMJD: I dunno. Whatever.
Wilcox: I'm sensing hatred.
TheMightyMJD: You are very perceptive.
Wilcox: Why do you hate Reallylonglastname?
TheMightyMJD: I don't hate him.
Wilcox: Dislike?
TheMightyMJD: No. My hate is for Drew Brees.
TheMightyMJD: Fuck Donald Driver. Fuck Brett Favre. Fuck the referees. Fuck you. Fuck your cat.
Wilcox: My cat is alive.
TheMightyMJD: So?
Wilcox: She was thought to be dead at one point.
TheMightyMJD: So, is it a comfort for you to just be a bestialist instead of just a necrophiliac bestialist?
Wilcox: Is this what it's like to be around you when the Chargers lose every week? If so, I feel sorry for your bar buddies.
TheMightyMJD: I may start drinking.
TheMightyMJD: Hey, InsideHoops.com cut off the Rasheed Interview portion of Throwin' Bows.
Wilcox: Oh?
TheMightyMJD: Oh.
Wilcox: Why?
TheMightyMJD: I dunno.
TheMightyMJD: I think I'll e-mail them and ask.
Wilcox: Good idea.
TheMightyMJD: ANTONIO GATES HAS A MASSIVE DONG.
Wilcox: What'd he do?
TheMightyMJD: Caught a long pass.
TheMightyMJD: No one remembers him from his Kent State basketball days.
Wilcox: Well, I'm sure he'll be just as remembered for being a San Diego Chargers receiver.
TheMightyMJD: Do you remember him?
Wilcox: No.
TheMightyMJD: They had a run to the Elite Eight.
TheMightyMJD: 4th down, inside the 20.
Wilcox: You know what CFG would say.
TheMightyMJD: Brees ran for it.
TheMightyMJD: Which I suppose is the best way to keep him from throwing a pick.
TheMightyMJD: Penalty Bolts, illegal man downfield... 2nd and 17. Tremendous.
Wilcox: Lovely.
TheMightyMJD: According to the play-by-play guy, that penalty "muffed them up."
TheMightyMJD: Packers decline, as soon as they saw Brees would be taking the next snap.
TheMightyMJD: Dropped pass.
TheMightyMJD: Antonio Gates has 4 for 111.
Wilcox: My god
TheMightyMJD: And why the fuck are we kicking a field goal...
TheMightyMJD: 17-6.
Wilcox: 3 points is better than a pick in the end zone.
TheMightyMJD: Not really. Because we're not going to win... and if we're not going to win, I'd just assume have something to bitch about.
Wilcox: Don't you have enough?
TheMightyMJD: Good point.
Wilcox: Just think...when the Bolts finally get that elusive Super Bowl title, this will all be the more sweeter.
TheMightyMJD: Thank you, Sargeant Sunshine.
Wilcox: Would you prefer if I pooped all over your team?
TheMightyMJD: Lick me.
TheMightyMJD: Drew Brees, coughs it up on a sack... 1st down, Packers.
Wilcox: Spot?
TheMightyMJD: It took them 44 seconds to go 85 yards right before the half. Does it really matter?
Wilcox: LOL...I suppose not.
Wilcox: Game break just showed the fumble.
Wilcox: If it makes you feel any better, Brees got absolutely nailed on that play.
TheMightyMJD: Was he carted off on a stretcher?
Wilcox: I don't know.
TheMightyMJD: Then don't tease me.
Wilcox: There were about five people wearing white jerseys in his grill.
TheMightyMJD: Yeah, the radio guys mentioned the outstanding protection.
Wilcox: Tim Hasselbeck's passer rating in this game is 0.0.
TheMightyMJD: INTERFUCKINGCEPTED.
TheMightyMJD: Undrafted free agent from MOTHERFUCKING MAINE, Stephen Cooper, comes down with the ball. I've never heard of that guy. He's gotta be white.
TheMightyMJD: I gotta call Danks.
TheMightyMJD: Chargers play-by-play guy is comparing Drew Brees to a cat coughing up a hairball. I don't know why.
Wilcox: Will this all be in the Smorgasbord?
TheMightyMJD: I dunno.
Wilcox: Your analysis of the Chargers announcer is funny.
Wilcox: Did CFG appear today?
TheMightyMJD: I'm afraid not.
Wilcox: Terance Newman...with his third pick.
TheMightyMJD: Wow.
Wilcox: Terence Newman...has a huge cock.
TheMightyMJD: I'm sure he does.
TheMightyMJD: The Chargers color guy (ironic, considering he's about the whitest bastard in the universe) was talking earlier about how offensive linemen have the worst bodies, and he knows because he showered with them. Wide receivers have the best bodies, and he didn't know what any kickers looked like naked, regrettably. It was a little... well, unusual.
Wilcox: This...must go into the Smorgasbord.
TheMightyMJD: I just mention it because he might be the right guy to verify your analysis of Terrence Newman.
TheMightyMJD: TOUCH... DOWN.
TheMightyMJD: Brees to LT.
Wilcox: SAN DIEGO...
TheMightyMJD: are you waiting for me to say, "Super Chargers?"
Wilcox: Yes.
Wilcox: But, you didn't.
TheMightyMJD: DAVID BOSTON 2-POINT CONVERSION.
TheMightyMJD: Wow, it's a 3-point game.
Wilcox: SAN DIEGO...
TheMightyMJD: Stop it. It's not happening.
Wilcox: You are an awful human being.
TheMightyMJD: Antonio Gates has had the 1st 100-yard receiving game for a rookie Charger since 1989.
TheMightyMJD: By the way, I just checked... Stephen Cooper is not white.
Wilcox: Stephen Cooper is your colour guy?
TheMightyMJD: No, he's a man of color. He's the guy from Maine that had the INT.
Wilcox: Oh.
Wilcox: Troy Hambrick has been playing well today.
Wilcox: He has 39 yards on this drive alone. Normally, if he gets that many yards in a game, it's high.
TheMightyMJD: I'm really happy for him
TheMightyMJD: Brees, 19/28, 220... 1 TD, 1 INT.
TheMightyMJD: Come on Drew. Suck less.
TheMightyMJD: LT TO THE HOUSE.
TheMightyMJD: HOUSE.
TheMightyMJD: HOUSE.
TheMightyMJD: HOUSE.
TheMightyMJD: And... touchdown Packers. That didn't take long.
TheMightyMJD: It's always good to give up 30-second touchdown drives after scoring go-ahead touchdowns.
TheMightyMJD: About two hours ago, the Chargers color guy made a joke about who would get their next sack first, Marcellus Wiley, or some local grocery store workers who were on strike... and right now, he's still talking about. He's so excited about his own lame joke. If he wasn't a Chargers guy, I'd hate the man. I might hate him anyway.
TheMightyMJD: By the way, this is going to be far less interesting Smorgasbord material if you actually bother to respond every now and then.
TheMightyMJD: And Drew Brees, game on the line, down 3 in the 4th quarter... coughs up a fumble at his own 1 yard line. E-LI! E-LI!
TheMightyMJD: 2 Packer TDs have occurred since we last spoke... and MJD is out.
After the game, the Chargers radio station advertised a contest where a kid could win a chance to "Take a Charger to School." I'm just wondering... which Charger, and for what? There are about 3 Chargers that anyone outside of San Diego has heard of. What would I do with, say... Reche Caldwell? Have him carry my books? If I took OT Damion "False Start" McIntosh, he'd always be leaving before him I told him to go somewhere. If I selected CB Sammy Davis and asked him to just follow me around, I'm not sure he'd be able to stick with me.
That's all I have for you. See you next week.
