Monday, December 22, 2003
| Week 16- 2003/2004 |
The holiday season has necessitated some sports bar line-up shuffling. Danks is out (sorry, ladies), but we've got a couple of solid replacements. One is Snider, a sports bar veteran who's familiar with the all-day sports bar marathons, but hasn't made the pilgrimage in over 3 years. The other is Pat, who's spent the last 31 months of his life in Africa and South America. Losing Danks is difficult. How do you replace a guy who drives around with a "Notre Dame Mom" sticker on the back of his car? You can't. You just have to adjust and move on with what you have.
ESPN's Jamal Anderson is interviewing Shannon Sharpe, and he asks him to name his favorite trash-talk sound clip from his career. They go through some clips of some pretty funny stuff, but he decides on the time when he called the President of the United States from the sideline phone and asked him to send in the National Guard because "we are killing the Patriots." I've gotta admit, that was pretty money. Shannon Sharpe, when he retires, can look back on an outstanding career of trash-talking. I almost wish I didn't hate the horse-faced bastard.
Snider puts his hand on my little notebook and asks me if it is indeed where the Smorgasbord starts every week. I tell him that yes, this is where the magic happens. He is in awe. He excitedly tells me that he's hoping to get in. I offer no guarantees. It takes a special person, like an imaginary girlfriend or a lonely gambling-addicted Dolphins fan, to make the Smorgasbord.
Pat, in his first crazy African story of the day (he would later tell one of about artificially inseminating a cow), tells us of a Nairobi woman who was flying to London with her baby when another passenger noticed that the baby was extremely lethargic and the mother wasn't giving it much attention. When the plane landed and the authorities questioned her, they discovered that the baby was dead, hollowed out, and filled with cocaine. This is the first dead-baby-stuffed-with-yayo story to ever appear in the Smorgasbord. I'm glad you were all here to share it with me.
Snider and Sammy are reminiscing about years past when Bobby Shaw played for the Steelers. Every time he made a catch, Sammy, to show his support for Shaw, would tie a few cocktail napkins together and drape them around his neck to simulate the wearing of a shawl.
The early games that we're seeing include Chicago/Washington, Baltimore/Cleveland, and Buffalo/Miami. Just a terrible line-up. I have very little interest in any of these games.
This is the emptiest the place has been this year. There's no Steelers game at 1 o'clock, and no students in town. The place is desolate and lifeless...
...BUT HERE COMES CRAZY FISH GUY! Like Willis Reed coming back in the 1970 Finals to save the Knicks against the Lakers, Crazy Fish Guy is here to save us all today.
Snider, despite never having met or seen Crazy Fish Guy, immediately knows who he is. Such is the magic of Crazy Fish Guy.
Crazy Fish Guy asks if he can sit at our table. Crazy Fish Guy gets rejected like T.J. Ford trying to drive on Ben Wallace. I'd feel bad for keeping him all to myself during this holiday season, especially when so many others have to go without. But he sits at the adjacent table and is feeling chatty. I update him on the Dolphins status and tell him that Chris Chambers just scored. He asks, "Did they run it in?" No, Crazy Fish Guy... Chris Chambers is a wide receiver. But I'm glad you're here.
Rex Grossman is looking pretty solid for the Bears. Of course, in a game where the competition is provided by Tim "0.0" Hasselbeck, Ryan Leaf might look like Johnny Unitas.
Crazy Fish Guy asks me if the Chiefs managed to score yesterday, and I tell him that yes, the final score was 45-20. He says, "That sounds like an over game." Yes, Crazy Fish Guy... that was an over game.
Snider asks me which waitress is my girlfriend, and I point out the girl behind the bar and note that she's now my ex. Pat is confused by all of this, and I soon discover that it's difficult to explain the concept of my imaginary ex-girlfriend to someone who hasn't been following the Smorgasbord. Also, explaining the concept of my imaginary ex-girlfriend to someone who hasn't been following the Smorgasbord makes me seem like a sad and lonely failure of a human being.
Pat, out of the country for the better part of three years, asks me if Tim Couch's career has been going well. Wow, he really has been gone a long time.
Fox breaks in with a special alert. Our nation's threat level has risen from yellow to orange. As a precautionary measure, I decide I better not order the double cheeseburger.
Miami looks to be playing extremely well today. In fact, I thought they played fairly well on Monday Night against the Eagles, but just ran into a better team. They're still not making the playoffs, though. I think Buddy Ryan would make a better choice for Dolphins head coach than would Dave Wannsteadt.
My mom makes a brief appearance during the second half of the early games to say hello to Pat and Snider. At this very moment, my mother is sitting just inches away from Crazy Fish Guy. It's hard to put into words what it feels like to see your mother having to resist the temptation of turning around and giving into the seductive power of Crazy Fish Guy's tight gray Dolphins sweatshirt.
Tim Hasselbeck makes a touchdown catch for the Redskins, and my buddy Chris remarks that he's already a better wide receiver than he is a quarterback.
Chris, by the way, has brought a Jerome Bettis bobblehead doll with him. When the Chargers are up 35-0, I'm going to pull his unsightly head from his springed neck and crush it with a dirty butterknife.
Jamal Lewis is abusing the Browns run D, and in the process has set a new record for yards accumulated against one team in one year. It's really great that he's going to run for 2,000 yards and all, but shouldn't the yards he accumulates against the Browns force an asterisk next to his accomplishment? I think I could pound out a 100-yard game against the Browns. Crazy Fish Guy could probably start at outside linebacker for the Browns.
The Baltimore game is on the middle TV with sound, the very same TV that the Steelers/Chargers game will be on at 4. It's 28-0 Baltimore, and if I miss the beginning of the game this week, I'm going to be pissed. But I know it's going to happen.
A guy walks into the place wearing a t-shirt that says "Born Ugly, Live Ugly, Die Ugly." Getting a look at his grill, yes, I'd have to say that's a pretty apt description. I'm glad he's come to terms with it.
If the Chargers were to lose by 70, and Crazy Fish Guy were to whoop my ass, and if my ex-girlfriend were to serve me with a paternity suit, I would not be having as bad a day as John Carney is having right now. Donte Stallworth and a few other Saints combine to make a ridiculous play to tie the score and keep their playoff hopes alive, and John Carney... misses the extra point. Stallworth looks pissed. John Carney may be murdered in the locker room after the game.
Just as I suspected, we do miss the first five minutes of the Steelers/Chargers game... but the good news is that we're tuned in just in time to see Plaxico Burress catch a TD pass on the sad and defenseless Sammy Davis. What a terrific start. The MJD threat level has just been raised from Navajo White to Cornflower.
The Cardinals are wearing all-white uniforms today and I'm reminded of something that Colonel Nathan Jessop said to Lieutenant Dan Kaffee when Kaffee asked for a copy of Santiago's transfer order.
Hey, this is outstanding. Coors Light has unveiled a new commercial this week. They are heavily promoting the Super Bowl, which is apparently now all about fireworks and whores, but mainly whores. There may be some football involved somewhere, too, but the message of the commercial is very clear: the Super Bowl is now all about the whores.
There really aren't words to describe the feeling of watching the miserable Steelers offense have their way with the Chargers defense. It's like having your ass kicked by Screech.
Jerome Bettis, who was washed up three years ago, looks like an eager rookie against the Chargers defense. And I've got a Jerome Bettis bobblehead doll in my face.
I know the Chargers are 3-11, I know it's just a game, I know it's the holiday season, and I know these are some of the people I care most about in the world, but if all of my friends at the table were to spontaneously burst into flame right now, I'd probably laugh for a few minutes before I thought about pouring water on them.
Snider is talking about his grandmother taking a trip to Vegas, and asks aloud the rhetorical question, "What's my grandma going to do for a week alone in Vegas?" There's a certain look I get on my face when I'm trying to hold myself back from saying something fucked up about someone's grandmother. Chris knows this look well. And yes, I am the type of guy who will talk about someone's grandmother. We've all got our flaws, so screw you for judging me. Anyway, Snider senses my internal struggle and says, "Come on, just say it... don't make me read about it tomorrow in the Smorgasbord." If I had written this immediately after the game, you would all be reading right now about various lascivious career opportunities I would suggest for Snider's grandmother in the Vegas area, but since I've had a few hours to calm down and release some of the bitterness, I'm not going to do it. I am so proud of myself.
Late in the second quarter, the Steelers only have 80 times more total yards than do the Chargers. That is not an exaggeration. This could not be going worse. The MJD threat level has risen from maize to chartreuse.
LaDainian Tomlinson scores a touchdown, making the score 21-7. The sad, frustrated hopelessness that I was filled with a minute ago has given way to a much more bearable despondent despair.
Hey, the Chargers defense forced a stop. That's a neat little trick, defense... we should do that more often.
Rookie Chargers WR Kassim Osgood... TO THE HOUSE. 21-17 Steelers. I'm expecting my chant of "OSGOOD IS GOOD" to sweep the nation.
Regardless of the outcome of the game... y'know, I'm somewhat proud of my team. We have three wins. Our best quarterback is a 40-year-old little person. The team's biggest accomplishment this year was said 40-year-old little person winning an extremely lame musical competition during Monday Night Football. And yet, we are fighting and clawing to get back into this game. For all of this team's flaws, a lack of heart is not one of them. Marty Schottenheimer should be back.
I miss Danks. But not in a gay way. Any gay desires that reside in the heart of Danks will have to be fulfilled by the life-size cardboard cut out of Tom Brady that we got him for Christmas.
Fox keeps showing a sign that some fan made with caricature drawings of everyone on Fox's pre-game show. The sign says, "FOX ROX!" What kind of a loser does it take to go to the trouble of making a sign like that? Do Jimmy Johnson and Terry Bradshaw really excite someone that much? Does this same person tape and rewatch Howie Long's Radio Shack commercials? Are they inspired by the meaningful insight provided by Jillian Barberie's leather-clad ass every week?
Drew Brees scrambles, and at a certain point, just gets tired of carrying that damn football with him. So he drops it. The Steelers pick it up. They soon score. The MJD threat level has just risen from mulberry to raw umber. Drew Brees will not be receiving a Christmas card from MJD this year. If he got one, he'd probably just throw it to the nearest defender anyway.
Y'know, I was expecting this to be a lot more fun. All my friends are Steelers fans and I'm a Chargers fan, but the game is essentially meaningless. I was expecting to engage in some trash-talk, some general fun and shenanigans. But this game really has been the worst case scenario. It was 21-0 Steelers before we had a first down. All hope left early. And I could've eventually gotten over that and managed to still have some fun, but the Bolts insisted on fighting back and restoring in me some hope... only to have that hope crushed by Drew Brees, the human turnover machine.
And we have another interception courtesy of Drew Brees. I've got to give him some props, though. After each turnover he commits, he always hustles off to the sidelines. I think that's a sign of a great quarterback.
Terrell Owens has been forced to leave the 49ers game due to injury... and walks back out to the sidelines in street clothes, smiling and enjoying himself, despite the fact that the 49ers are losing. He looks like a guy who's just gotten the day off work. I really think that's how he feels right now. And now he's pulled out his cell phone, and is talking and laughing, paying no attention to the game or his teammates, who, and I don't know if I've mentioned this, are losing. His teammates really have to appreciate the support. TO is a dick.
Another LaDainian Tomlinson touchdown brings the Chargers back to within 7. Hope has surfaced again...
...but only until Drew Brees gets the ball back in his hands. The referee has outstanding coverage on LaDainian Tomlinson, but Brees tries to force the ball in there anyway. It bounces off LT's back shoulder, and some Steelers asshead takes it to the house. On the sidelines, Marty Schottenheimer informs Drew Brees that his services will no longer be required on this day, and for the first time in his career, Brees doesn't react well. This is the first time in my life that I've wanted to see a 60-year-old man beat up the starting quarterback of my favorite football team. The MJD threat level has just risen from burnt orange to sienna.
Doug Flutie comes into the game. Being acutely sensitive to the pain I'm feeling as a Chargers fan, Chris expresses a desire for the Steelers to hurt Doug Flutie.
Doug's first play is a scramble for about 12 yards, and I start talking shit about how they can't hurt Dougie. Chris asks, "Are you going to lose graciously?" I think we all know the answer to that one.
The Chargers haven't beaten the Steelers in quite a while. In fact, if memory serves correctly, the last time the Chargers beat the Steelers... man, that was a long time ago. Let me see if I can remember. I'm having a vision... It was a cold day at Three Rivers Stadium. It was a fourth down for the Steelers at the Chargers 3-yard line... Neil O'Donnell drops back, looks to get the ball to Barry Foster... AND CHARGER LINEBACKER DENNIS GIBSON BREAKS IT UP. HaHa... Bill Cowher has only lost once to the Chargers, but if I had to pick one game to win, I think I'd go with that one. Lick my crack, Steeler fan. Just thought I'd share that while we were on the subject of not losing graciously.
Some Steelers fans are getting excited. I am about to snap. I start yelling about how it's just the Chargers, and me and 10 guys from the bar could beat the Chargers. I then hold my head in my hands and curse myself.
There's less than a minute left, and I'm leaving... I look back at the TV only to see Doug Flutie get drilled by a Steelers linebacker. Chris got his wish. Chris and I are no longer friends. I hope that for Christmas, Chris gets gang raped by a group of syphilis-infested bikers. What a fitting end to the day. I avoid eye contact and head for the door. Fuck.
