Monday, December 29, 2003
| Week 17- 2003/2004 |
I am without a wingman at the sports bar today. Goose, Cougar, Iceman, and Slider are all either out of town, working, or attending a basketball game. I don't even see Viper (Crazy Fish Guy). But I'm here. Alone. While the weather outside is the best it's going to be for months. I do this for you, the loyal reader. You owe me head. Please drop a line in the mailbag to make arrangements for delivery.
There is exactly 1 customer at the bar when I get there, and he's sitting at my table. I decide that this new jack bitch punk doesn't know who he's messin' with, and I go over and tell him that he'd like to get dealt with. Actually, I just went quietly to the back room. The games were better back there anyway.
I've decided, and it's unfortunate that I only came to this conclusion in Week 17, that as long as they're under .500, I'll be referring to the Cleveland Browns as the Cleveland Steamers. Really, it's not all that far from their real nickname. If you aren't familiar with the Cleveland Steamer, I can't explain it to you. There could be children reading. Go look it up.
Marcus Allen is doing a sideline report from some game, and he is struggling. Words are coming out slowly and without any certainty. I hope he's not reading from cue cards, because if he is... well, Marcus Allen can't read.
CBS is doing a little feature on Brett Favre and the recent passing of his father. I don't wanna trivialize the death of the man, but... what are the chances that Irv Favre plays a bigger role in the playoffs than just about anyone else? Brett Favre's teammates just have to be inspired by his play, even the fact that he's playing at all. And you know there's some worldwide karma in the corner of Brett Favre right now. Incidentally, I wonder how Irv felt about the 2Pac song in the background of CBS's feature on him.
After the Favre feature, Deion Sanders, while showing all due respect and admiration for Favre, takes the time to remind viewers that Brett Favre isn't the only NFL player who's ever lost a family member during the season, and that everyone that has to go through such a thing is deserving of respect. Nice work, Deion.
Neil O'Donnell is getting the starting nod for the Titans. Y'know, people make such a huge deal about Steve McNair playing through injuries, but what about O'Donnell? He's played an entire career without an upper lip.
There's virtually no one here, I'm sitting next to the TV showing the Dolphins game, and I'd have no excuse to tell him he couldn't sit with me, so I'm thinking... If Crazy Fish Guy shows, there's a pretty good chance I'll be sitting with him. The prospect of this happening... makes me nervous. Not in a bad way, but in kind of a... first-date jitters kinda way. I don't know what that says about me.
If I was from the mountains of outer Mongolia, and had no idea of the concept of football... seeing one of these Don Cheadle playoff commercials would have me glued to the TV come playoff time. The Diamond Ring? Oh hell yes.
Jack Del Rio reminds me of Dennis Hopper from Hoosiers. He's just got kind of a Shooter look about him. His hair is gelled or matted down somehow, he's got some darkness happening around his eyes. I suspect there may be a bottle around there somewhere, too.
There are exactly 2 people in the back room. Me, and one random straggling lonely Colts fan. The good thing about being so isolated is that I can feel free to break wind in any loud or offensive way that I see fit. I am taking advantage. Liberating.
Ray Brown, while I'm not sure if he's actually the oldest non-kicker in the NFL, is definitely the oldest-looking. If Bob Dole were black and huge, he would be Ray Brown. He's in his 18th or 19th year. The entire Chargers starting offensive line has 13. And that's on a good day, when there are no injuries.
The games I'm seeing are... Jets/Fish, Colts/Texans, Jags/Falcons, and Rams/Lions. Just in case you were interested. Because I'm certainly not.
The update on the bottom of the screen tells me that John Carney hit a field goal, which is good news. Not necessarily because I care about that game, but I am glad to know that someone didn't murder him during the week.
Hey, Barry Sanders is in the house at the Lions game. That's gotta be nice for the people of Detroit. But y'know what, with Shawn Bryson and Artose Pinner, they hardly miss him at all.
Just something to think about: What if the Coors Light advertising people were in charge of advertising Viagra and the other anti-impotency drugs?
TJ Duckett is looking all-world in the Falcons game. And Michael Vick is just as ridiculous to watch on TV as he is to play with in Madden. Early in the game, though, he hasn't been all that sharp. He's more like the Madden Michael Vick being controlled by MJD after about a half dozen bong hits.
The officials in the Miami game rule uncatchable a ball that hit Rob Konrad's hands. I wish I had more of an explanation for you.
Ricky Williams houses it on the next play, though, with a spectacular leap over a defender. The Dolphins are an excellent team when a playoff spot isn't on the line.
While I'm on the subject of the Dolphins, I think Dave Wannstedt should be kept around. The guy wins 10 games a year, which is pretty nice. I know the Dolphins need to get over that hump and make some noise in the playoffs, but... give him a good QB and/or a good #2 wideout, and then see what he can do. If he still screws the pooch, then can him... but Jay Fielder isn't getting anyone too deep into the postseason.
Mike Vanderjagt has tied some record in the Colts game. I dunno. He's still a kicker. It would really make my day if he went back to the sidelines and started screaming, "I'M A FUCKIN' SOLDIER!" But maybe that's just me.
Randy Cross, who I hate, says Chad Pennington is among the Top 5 quarterbacks in the NFL. When I first heard this, I thought it was absurd. Then I did some figuring. Let's say Manning, McNabb, and McNair are a clear top 3. And below them, fighting for the 4 and 5 spots are Brett Favre, Daunte Culpepper, Tom Brady, and Michael Vick. Does Pennington belong in that group right now? I'd say no, but it's certainly not that much of a stretch to say he will next year. I still hate Randy Cross, though.
The Texans are giving a game to the Colts, and the Lions are giving a game to the Rams. Very good to see... this is actually shaping up to be a pretty entertaining day of football.
Byron Leftwich is completely impressive for a rookie quarterback. He's strong, accurate, decisive, and quicker than he gets credit for. It's clearly his team in Jacksonville. And next year, I'm hoping that the team in San Diego is Mark Brunell's. Or Kurt Warner's. Or... Jarious Jackson might even be an improvement at this point.
The Steamers take a 13-7 lead over the Bengals, and seem primed to drop a great big steaming pile of unhappiness on the chest of the Bengals playoff hopes.
Neil O'Donnell has 124 yards and a touchdown at the half. That's ridiculously impressive. How many NFL teams could Neil start for? 5? 10? Chicago, Detroit, Arizona, Carolina, Cleveland, San Diego... perhaps Pittsburgh, Miami, Baltimore?
A guy comes in and sits at the table next to mine wearing a bright green Atlanta Hawks throwback jersey. Those things are tight. He and I, however, may be the only two people in the world that like them.
I think I just saw a commercial featuring black men playing basketball on rollerblades and eating Egg McMuffins. How am I supposed to react to that?
My man AJ enters the house, having got off of work early. AJ has started gambling now. "I need some money," he says. Solid financial planning, AJ.
The Dolphins long-snapper fires a punt way over the head of the punter. It cleared his outstretched arms by about three yards. The long-snapper just displayed more arm than Jay Fiedler has shown all year.
The Viagra commercials are in heavy rotation today. Upon seeing one, AJ, for some reason, feels it necessary to say to me, "I'm sure I need less help in that area than anyone on earth." I respond with, "Yeah... MJD needs a pill to keep it down." AJ laughs and says, "Seriously, man. A girl brushes up against my leg and I'm like, 'Wooooo!'" I... didn't know we were being serious.
This Jets/Dolphins game has been excellent so far. It's too bad there's no reason for me to give a rat's ass. Randy Cross, by the way, points out for the 872nd time today that the Jets' defense is slow. It only took him 17 weeks to catch on, too.
Indianapolis ties it up late in the 4th... Miami gets the W on a last-second Olindo Mare field goal, and Jacksonville fails to tie the score on one last crack at the endzone. Tremendously entertaining slate of early games... and Detroit is still up 10 on the Rams.
Mike Vanderjagt has a crucial kick here. If he makes it, he sets the all-time record for consecutive field goals, goes an entire year without missing a field goal, and secures a home playoff fame for the Colts, who would probably killed if they had to go on the road. If he misses it, the Colts get worked over next week. From 43 yards away, he buries it. But he is still a kicker.
4 o'clock approaches... and I'm feeling like I want to beat the fuck out of the Raiders. Fuck the #1 draft pick... we'd fuck it up anyway. We'll end up drafting Eli Manning, and he'll develop a heroin habit and start sleeping with Boy Scouts. Picking at 3 or 4 comes with far less expectations. That's the point I'm at right now.
I apologize for the three fucks in rapid succession at the beginning of that last item. This is what the Raiders do to me.
Charles Woodson and Charlie Garner have gotten themselves suspended for the last game of the year. What do you have to do to get suspended by the Raiders? Perform a Cleveland Steamer on Al Davis?
It later comes out that Woodson and Garner missed curfew last night, but eventually did arrive at the team hotel... at 10:30 a.m. Impressive.
During the first drive of the game... we are having our way. We forced a three-and-out, and now, our offensive line is making massive holes. LaDainian Tomlinson is unstoppable. I think he's the best offensive player in the league.
Detroit won, Cleveland won, and Arizona's up on Minnesota early. I think we can actually win this game and still get the #1 draft pick.
Just as I'm starting to feel good about the Bolts... we end up throwing on three straight downs, and it works out pretty well, if you like sacks and incompletions. Thanks, Drew.
Chris and Boogie have shown up, and are taking about the Steelers game against the Ravens tonight. They want the Steelers to not guard the wide receivers at all, let Anthony Wright throw for about 1100 yards, and just refuse to let Jamal Lewis even sniff the record. By the end of the game, they want him back down to about 1800 yards.
The Raiders, unable to move the ball at all offensively, take a punt return to the house. I blame Drew Brees. Seriously, I want Dougie. I need to see no more from Drew Brees to know that he is not the guy San Diego needs.
The Cardinals lead the Vikings 6-0 at the half.
Drew Brees manages to connect with a wide open David Boston in the endzone. Boston, completely wide open, had to struggle to get his feet in bounds. Such is the accuracy of Drew Brees. Nonetheless, it was a touchdown pass, and that's just not something I'm used to seeing. I'm speechless.
I can't hear him, but Bill Romanowski is doing color commentary for some FOX game. What must that be like... "Corey Chavous makes the tackle on the play for the Vikings. Chavous, unfortunately, is black. But white people like me can take tackle boxes full of steroids to keep up with his obvious genetic physical superiority. Please pass me the syringe." And then 'roid rage kicks in... "ARRRROOOOOOOO!!! WOOF!! WOOF!! BIG DOGS, BIG DOGS... LANDING ON MY FACE."
And the Raiders promptly take a kickoff return to the house. Offensively, we have had the Raiders completely locked up. They can do nothing. But they keep getting these weak little kick returns, and the score is tied.
During a long portion of the 2nd half, all action leaves the San Diego/Oakland game. Someone for the Chargers is hurt. I look up at the screen, see that it isn't Tomlinson, shrug and then look away. I mean, I hope the guy's OK, but in a football sense... if it's not LT, then... does it really matter?
Tee Martin finds himself in the grasp of a Chargers defender, and just launches a ball towards the sidelines. AJ wants an intentional grounding call. Chris reminds him that the quarterback is Tee Martin, and thus... that may have been exactly where he wanted to throw the ball.
We've got a small dilemma at the table. We've had excellent waitress service this afternoon, and we want to compliment the woman. But is it even possible to do that without coming off as the creepy sports bar patron who just wants to hook up with a waitress? We've got to risk it, though. She deserves the compliment. I'm about to volunteer, because you know... no matter how it comes off, I'm no stranger to humiliation around women. Chris was just engaged, though, so it's much safer for him. He accepts the assignment. The compliment goes off pretty smoothly. She's clearly in love with me.
Tee Martin is terrible. He makes Rick Mirer look like Dan Fouts. I'm going out on a limb and saying that the Chargers can beat any team in the league quarterbacked by Tee Martin.
It is so much fun to watch LaDainian Tomlinson. His absolute brilliance is the only reason I'd say that this (soon to be) 4-12 Chargers team could compete with the 1-15 team of 2000. The 1-15 team played a lot of close games, and had an excellent defense. They were, however, the most brutal team to watch in NFL history. This team has just been a mountain of suckiness all year long, but the heart, determination and skill of LaDainian Tomlinson, however, have made this team, at times, a lot of fun to watch. I also appreciate the fact that we've played very hard in the last two weeks of the year, when it would be easy for any team to just fold up shop and be comfortable with their level of suck. Much like the Raiders have done today. Quite vaginal, Raiders.
Total yards: LaDainian Tomlinson, 260. Oakland Raiders, 121.
The Cardinals, needing a touchdown to send their good-guy head coach Dave McGinnis out with a win and to send the Packers to the playoffs, lose yards on 2nd down, lose yards on 3rd down, and find themselves with a 4th and goal from the 28. Josh McCown takes the snap, and for the 18th consecutive play, starts running around aimlessly as soon as the ball is in his hands. He rolls to his right, and launches a pass that looks like it's heading for the 3rd row. As it sails, I say, "What is THAT?" And #89, Nathan Poole, hauls it in while being pushed out of bounds. Cardinals win. 0:00.
Prior to that moment, I had not jumped out of my seat in excitement for anyone other than the Chargers this year. I don't even know if I've done it for the Chargers. That was just an absolutely great moment. Best of the year, no question. Lambeau field gets the news, and it has to be the best place in the world to be right at that moment. Good for Brett Favre, good for Dave McGinnis, good for Emmitt Smith, good for the guy who made the "I'M STILL A CARDINALS FAN" sign. Amazing, amazing moment.
And just as it ends, Donnie Edwards picks off a Rick Mirer pass (shocking, I know) and just about seals the W for the Chargers.
So with the Cardinals win... we can go ahead and polish off these bitch-made punks in silver and black and STILL get the #1 draft pick. It doesn't get any better than that. This has been a tremendous football day. It's odd to say at 4-12, but... days like this make all the other days worth it.
And that's just about going to put a wrap on the inaugural season of the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord. I'm glad I could end it on a note like this. There might be something done for the playoffs, but if so, it probably won't be in the same format. I'm not sure. But I want you to know I've dug doing the Smorgasbord for you this year, even if it has kept me up until about 6 a.m. on more than a few Sunday nights/Monday mornings. But it's worth it. I've enjoyed my time spent at the bar among the drinkers, gamblers, whores, and thieves, and I hope it's brightened a few of your days along the line, too. And if you just come to the site on Mondays and read the Smorgasbord, don't be a dick and stop coming all together now. There's plenty more love to be spread. Peace.
