Monday, September 29, 2003
| Week 04 - 2003/2004 |
When I awoke this morning, the day was agreeable. It wasn't particularly sunny, but it wasn't particularly dark, and the feel of the cool air against my skin was pleasant. As the morning progressed, the day grew darker and darker. Rain steadily fell. The day became bleak. Somber. Tedious. It was the day of the Raiders game. At 7:30, either the clouds will lift, life will be effused into the day, and we will all rejoice, or the Stygian gloom was make itself permanent, and we can forget about happy thoughts until Monday.
Not a particularly cheerful way to open the Smorgasbord, I know, but unfortunately I don't have a fucking time machine that will let me go back to a time and place in which I was a happy person. Oh, and I'm going to use the word 'fuck' a lot. It can't be helped. Motherfucker.
I get to the bar and take my usual seat. AJ is already in the house. "Danks isn't coming today," he says with a knowing half-smile. I ask why not. "F-1 Indy." Danks, congratulations, you've managed to make me embarrassed by your behavior on the 4th consecutive Sunday... and this time, you didn't even need to be in the same building. Well done.
Jamal Anderson interviews Joey Porter on ESPN's pregame show, and they show some of the Ray Lewis/Porter conversations before the game in Pittsburgh. Ray-Ray, if you remember, said he told Porter before the game that he was in his prayers. They zoomed in on him and played the tape, and I don't know what he was saying, but it was loud, angry, and profane, and unless he's some crazy motherfucker Baptist or something, prayer was definitely not involved.
Warren Sapp is on CBS's pregame show. Simeon Rice and John Lynch are on Fox's. Sapp is dancing. I hope he tears his ACL.
On ESPN, Steve Young is explaining some of the nuances of the quarterback scramble, and I'm thinking about how this knowledge can help me in Madden. I have problems.
Rush Limbaugh on ESPN is like Gretchen Mol in Rounders. Likable people are doing cool things, engrossing, entertaining, and and every now and then, Rush Mol has to insert his unsightly mug to bring all entertainment value to a discourteous halt.
Subway has a new commercial featuring a middle-aged man washing his car in a Kentucky cheerleader outfit, skirt and all. I don't know why. Do Sub chains *have* to have advertising like this? It's not as bad as Quizno's, but neither "Dude sucking off a wolf," or "Old man dancing and cheering as he washes his car," appear on the list of things MJD ever wants to see.
Crasy Fish Guy is not here today. Neither is my girlfriend. I hope they're not together somewhere, it will pain me to beat the fuck out of Crazy Fish Guy.
The early games are Steelers/Titans, Browns/Bengals, and Vikings/49ers.
Early in the Vikings game, Randy Moss is looking like the rookie version of Randy Moss, where he is doing things that the defense is powerless to stop. This is what Randy does. Maybe Gus Frerotte can just chuck it deep for Randy to go get better than Daunte Culpepper can.
The Browns take the opening kickoff to the house, but the Bengals respond with a very efficient and impressive drive to tie it up. The Bengals are decent. Seriously.
Jeff Garcia throws an interception, and on the return, Terrell Owens is engaged by a Vikings blocker, and just keeps backing up, seemingly happy to do so. It's like he's telling the guy, "Yo, keep blocking me, that's it, good job, keep blocking me so it looks like I'm actually doing something."
A.J.'s mother makes a brief stop at the bar today, just as William Green is knocked out cold. Chris remarks that playing with a concussion would be about like playing with 14 beers in you, and I point to A.J. (who can put away Natural Light with the best of them), and remark that 14 beers wouldn't put a dent in his playing ability. Just as his mother walks by.
The Vikings are putting a serious pounding on the 49ers. It's 21-0, but really, it's not that close.
The Steelers are, offensively and defensively, very impressive in the first half against the Titans. After a TD, Bill Cowher... I can't describe it. He looks like he's accusing someone of stealing one of his multi-colored sweaters, but he's happy. He's frothing at the mouth, congratulations the offense, defense, special teams, equipment managers. He is insane.
Gus Frerotte continues to carve up the 49ers. It doesn't look like the two teams are even playing the same sport.
Drew Bennett is abusing the Steelers secondary. CBS gives us a shot of him on the sidelines, and Drew Bennett... does not look like an NFL wide receiver. He looks like someone that goes to about 24 Phish concerts a year.
Jeff Fisher is throwing a temper tantrum on the Titans sidelines, jumping around, with his sunglasses around his neck, he looks... well, he kinda looks like a little girl. Little bit different vibe than the one given off by Bill Cowher.
49ers fans are calling for Ken Dorsey. That is not a sign of a Super Bowl contender.
Call me crazy, but I don't think Daunte Culpepper should be seeing the field again for the Vikings anytime soon. Gus Frerotte just seems to know what needs to be done, and he's doing it. Daunte has not been. Fuck all that, "You can't lose your job to injury" talk; I'm not asking for his paycheck to be rescinded, he just shouldn't start anymore.
A Jaguars special teamer absolutely mauls a Texans punt returner, about two seconds before the punt actually arrives. That... that's not legal.
Kevin Garnett is in the house at the Vikings game. He seems to have a look on his face that says, "You expect me to sign, before the season, a contract that isn't for the max? Yeah. And Ahmed Plummer is going to shut down Randy Moss." Or... perhaps I'm imagining that look.
Steve McNair continues to make plays with 300-pound men hanging off of him. It's amazing. If the guy was getting hit by a moving van while crazed woodpeckers snapped at his nipples and lightning struck him, he could still get off a 4-yard completion.
The Steelers can dominate in stretches, but their secondary absolutely will not allow them to become an excellent team. Too many breakdowns, and it sucks the life out of the team. Momentum vanishes when Chad Scott has to defend a deep ball.
About this time, I get nervous and twitchy. Bile builds up inside me. I can taste the hate. I detest anything silver or black. Black in the traditional sense, of course, not referring to, you know... the race of people. Unless they happen to play for or like the Raiders.
It's 35-0 in the 4th quarter, and Mike Tice is still airing it out to Randy. It's as if he's discovered all the fun and joy that Randy Moss can bring the for the first time. He's like me when Madden 2004 came out. It's getting late, and I'm accomplishing nothing, but dammit, but it's too much fun to let go.
Maybe it's just me, but there have been a few occasions in this game where T.O. had a ball thrown to him and he didn't come close to making a play on it, where Randy Moss would've had a very good shot at coming down with the same ball.
Tim Couch throws a clutch interception (I know, I'm shocked too), and the 'Gals get a W.
Some guy named Boiman for the Titans has a safety and an INT return for a touchdown. Congratulations to all of you that have him on your fantasy teams. Incidentally, his hair makes Carrot Top's look normal.
I don't know how much Plaxico Burress spends on getting his hair cornrowed, but it's worth it. Those are sweet.
The Steelers go down hard again, the Bengals and 49ers have wrapped things up, and the 4 o'clock games are underway. Only one of them will get any of my attention.
The width of Quentin Jammer's nose is comparable to the width of Daunte Culpepper's ass. Just thought I'd mention it.
A cutaway to the end of the Texans/Jags game shows a Texans fan deeply immersed in prayer. I don't think God is listening, pal.
LaDainian Tomlinson throws a touchdown pass to Drew Brees, who will be serving as the Chargers #2 wideout today.
LT is running with absolute ease against the Raiders. The Chargers offensive line, horrible in weeks 1 and 2, and down two starters, looks outstanding. Major props to Hudson Houck.
The Texans, at the 1, down 3 points with 1 second remaining... are going for the win. I could not disagree more, but you know... on a certain level, I admire the wang involved. David Carr goes over the top, and it pays off. Exciting moment for the young Texans franchise.
To this point, there is not a sign of a Raiders fan in the building. There must also be a Klan meeting in the area right now.
#57 for the Raiders goes upside Drew Brees's head for no reason. The Raiders, a personal foul? Ya don't say.
A large and prominent sign that reads "TRUST JESUS" is being held up in the Raiders "Black Hole" (the seating section affectionately named after the cavernous vagina of Bill Romanowski's mother), and I'm glad the sign exists. Looking at the Raiders fans, one might start to lose faith in any higher being, so I'm glad the sign is there to serve as a friendly reminder that despite the impure things going on in Oakland right now, someone is watching over us.
The Raiders personal foul tally climbs to 2.
Chris Meyers is doing sideline reporting for Fox, which I find to be ridiculous. Chris Meyers is a talented guy who does his job very well, and Fox has him on the sidelines of a game that isn't even their #1 game? Ridiculous. Chris Meyers is the closest thing anyone else has to Ernie Johnson. He needs to host his own pregame show.
A McDonalds commercial (which shows thin and active kids playing soccer after stuffing themselves full of french fries, shows kids in shopping carts, racing through a parking lot. What a healthy and safe activity to be promoting to our youngsters.
The Chargers look good today, but you know... If we go 2-14, but the two wins are against the Raiders... I'll be OK.
LT takes an absolutely gorgeous 55-yard run to the house, through a tremendous hole in the offensive line. Daunte Culpepper and Warren Sapp could've tango'd through that hole together. Rod Woodson tried to catch LT, and it was actually kind of sad... but still funny.
I would like someone to run John Parrella's jugular vein through a bandsaw. Just thought I'd mention it.
Cop at a Raiders home game... that can't be what that guy was envisioning when he joined the force. He showed up to work the first day and was like, "Yo, what are we doing today? Busting a drug ring, investigating a murder, what?" "No, today you'll be doing to the Raiders game and overseeing people dressed like Darth Vader as the embarrass themselves, their families, and the entire community. They are knife-wielding heathens with a need to pretend that they're tough, and they are likely to urinate all over themselves. Here's your flashlight."
Jake Plummer is 16/17 for 180 yards at the half. I don't quite know what to say.
A Raiders fan walks in at the half. Superfan was probably busy in the first half date-raping someone.
4th down and 6 in Raiders territory, and Marty Schottenheimer puts his wang on display. It's complete to Dondre Gilliam, who literally watched the last Chargers game at home on TV.
Rod Smart, you know I don't hate you, man... but what the fuck is going on with your hair? It's not an afro, it's not a mullett, it's just... large, unkempt, and a little bit frightening. Do you not visit the barber because he hate you?
Jerry Rice has the drops, and speaking of bad haircuts, when is the last time someone successfully pulled off the balding-cornrow-mullett look?
Y'know, I've got to give props to the late-arriving Raiders fan. He has been well-behaved to this point.
Alvis Whitted catches a touchdown pass, and the Chargers lead had whithered to 7. We always do this, we make a hero out of some fucking loser. It won't be Jerry Rice that beats us, it'll be Alvis fucking Whitted. "Black man's gone through life with the name Alvis," remarks AJ, sympathetically.
Rookie safety Jerry Wilson takes a 15-yard personal foul penalty for rudely interrupting the Raiders TD celebration. I have no problem with it.
The Chargers punt in overtime, and David Binn, Bolts long snapper, grabbed the return man and tried to throw him into the ball, so he would touch it first and the Bolts could pick it up. Tremendous initiative and creativity shown by David Binn.
Overtime against the Raiders, and injuries have made it so that Kevin House is going man-to-man against Jerry Rice. I think the Raiders might like that matchup.
I'm not doing to go into detail about what happened next, but my drive home was not a happy one. I couldn't wait to get to stoplights, so I could just throw things angrily in my car.
You know the Raiders fan that I complimented earlier? I didn't mean it. He has no value as a human being. He looks like Rich Gannon. I want to put his fucking head through a window.
The sky is dark and caliginous. I wish to speak to no one, about anything. I later in the evening refused a phone call from my own brother. Right now, self-pity is my only friend, and he is clinging to me tightly.
I hope, dear reader, that you have enjoyed this week's Smorgasbord, as certain parts of it were not written easily. I hope the sun returns tomorrow.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 12:20 PM 0 comments
Monday, September 22, 2003
| Week 03 - 2003/2004 |
I'm going to have to apologize in advance to the readers, but this week's Sunday at the sports bar was a little dirtier than usual. I don't have a concrete explanation for it. Perhaps it was the presence of a non-regular visitor. Perhaps it was the lack of Crazy Fish Guy's calming influence. Perhaps it was the fact that half the crew spent yesterday in College Park, Maryland watching the good guys lose 34-7. I don't know. But it got ugly quickly. If you're under 18, please read with a parent.
My big brother Dookie makes something of a surprise visit this weekend. He was nearby for a friend's wedding, but I wasn't sure if he'd swing by on Sunday or not. He did. At about 12:15, we walk in together, and he's telling me about this girl he was dancing with at the wedding last night. According to Dookie, she approached him on the dance floor, started grinding on him, and rubbing her ass all over him. Later, Dookie asks someone who the girl is, and as it turns out... she's 14. He'll have to wait to get her number.
It doesn't take long for the R. Kelly jokes to begin. I take my seat, turn to Chris, point to Dookie, and tell Chris to ask R. Kelly about the girl he danced with last night. Dookie retells the story, and Chris asks, "Did you pee on her?" We're not off to a good start.
Crazy Fish Guy is nowhere to be found. We check the schedule, and the Dolphins play the Sunday night game. This is not OK. I feel like a child the first night he's sleeping away from his parents.
Talking a little fantasy football before the game, Chris is talking about Derrick Mason, who leads the league in catches. "He's caught 20 balls." "Most of them off his chin," replies Sammy.
The three games on the early menu are Steelers/Bengals, Chiefs/Texans, and Falcons/Bucs. You know, people can say whatever they want about the Bengals, but the Bengal thing they have painted at midfield is very handsome. I like the stripes in the endzone, too. Even if they don't make the playoffs for the next 10 years, the award for most attractive paintjob on the field should go to the 'Gals.
Antwan Randle-El takes a reverse early in the Steelers game, and just makes some wicked moves, causing a series of Bengal-striped jock straps to be left on the field.
Jeff Reed misses a 23-yard field goal... by a pretty fair margin.
The Texans scouting department missed one little key detail on film this week: Priest Holmes is good. He just caught a pass downfield, no one within 10 yards of him on any side. Tremendous attention to detail, Texans.
Chad Johnson goes downfield and catches a pass, using a very Plaxico-like subtle push-off move. I'm pretty sure Chad Johnson has been watching Plaxico Burress tape.
Jason Gildon grabs an interception, and is on the ground before anyone touched him. Everyone in the bar screams at him to get up and run. He does. He fumbles. Everyone in the bar screams "YOU DUMB FUCK" at him.
Corey Dillon carries Kendrell Bell on his back for about three yards.
You know, it's bad enough that CBS subjects us to the same commercials about 86 times in one day; do they have to run the same ones from week to week? That guy in the shirt and tie diving off of the Survivor boat, I really can't see enough of that. By now, I've broken down his technique like he was Greg Louganis at the '84 Games.
Lord, why do you let these things happen. Warren Sapp just scored a touchdown, and did some kind of a dance he picked up in a gay bar on a San Francisco road trip, jumping up and down like a little girl. The man's ass is bigger than a few Central American countries. Some readers may remember me mentioning my "List of People I Want to Fight." Since it's highly unlikely that I'll ever have a real opportunity to fight anyone on the list, Warren Sapp is at the top of it. It pisses me off that they're playing in a dome, only because that makes the chances absolutely nil that he will get struck by lightning. Dan Reeves has the look of a man in need of some Zocor.
This commercial for the NFL Network that features a bunch of NFL coaches with their faces appearing on screen one after another... it serves as a tremendous reminder that the NFL coaching fraternity is white, white, white. Herm Edwards has a brief appearance, and then it's whitey, whitey, whitey, whitey, whitey, whitey, followed by another series of whiteys. It looks like a convention of Canadian gym teachers or something.
Craig Hentrich, on a fake punt for the Titans, throws a nice little sidearm laser for a first down. The Jets should call and inquire about his availability.
Jabbar Gaffney makes an incredible catch in the Texans game, falling down to the ground, and using all hands to pick a ball out of the air, about six inches from the ground as he was falling away from it. I think it's the first ever NFL catch for a receiver from Florida.
This little "Sappzilla" promo thing that Fox keeps running perfectly illustrates just why Warren Sapp and Fox are both so annoying. Sapp is desperate to get himself attention by showing off and yapping, and Fox is desperate to glorify these people. I give it a couple of months before Fox launches some kind of a Warren Sapp reality show.
As comely as the endzones and midfield are in Cincinatti, why the hell is one side of their stadium crooked? It's like someone thought it would be funny to let the drunk guy at the construction crew be in charge of the level one day.
Jay Riemersma streaking down the sideline... looks nothing at all like Plaxico Burress streaking down the sideline. Just thought I'd mention it.
I don't know if Bill Cowher is scarier when he's happy, or scarier when he's pissed off.
A nice little zoomed-in shot of Dan Reeves screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING?!" Get him some Zocor... before it's too late.
Danks spots a Bengals cheerleader as someone he's seen before in Maxim. I've grown to accept his love of Nascar and the Red Sox, I can even adjust to being seen with a dude in a Tom Brady jersey, but it's like he wants to find new and creative ways to embarrass me every week.
Joey Porter records a sack for the Steelers, and Elissa, in all sincerity, says during the celebration, "Don't slap him on the butt!"
Sammy went to a Pittsburgh Pirates game this week, and saw someone selling t-shirts that said, "Where was Ray Lewis when Joey Porter was shot?"
The Chiefs kicker, Jon Baker (a former Edmonton Eskimo), makes a pretty decent hit after a kickoff, driving some Texan way out of bounds... and then stands over him and talks some smack.
The Chiefs are routing the Texans, and it's looking like the Chargers will have stayed closer in score to the Chiefs than anyone else has thus far. MORAL VICTORY, BABY. I'm starting to feel good about the Bolts 4 o'clock game against the Ravens.
Some idiot at the next table keeps yelling, "HE'S FAT" every time Jerome Bettis touches the ball for the Steelers. He does it during replays, too, and unfortunately, the Steelers are feeding him the ball right now. I've heard the same thing screamed about 65 times. What tremendous powers of observation this man has. It won't be long before he's screaming, "HE HAS A MUSTACHE," every time Bill Cowher is on camera, or "HE'S #86" every time Hines Ward catches a ball.
Vinny throws an interception (shocking, I know), and Danks lets out the customary, "THANK YOU, VINNY!" You know, it seems like every week, someone is screaming, "THANK YOU, VINNY!"... and it's never a Jets fan.
Ellis Wyms and Warren Sapp are having a pretty heated argument on the sidelines... Monte Kiffin separates them, but it looked like they were pretty close to coming to blows. Ellis Wyms is now, my far, by favorite Tampa Bay Buccaneer. In fact, Warren Sapp has also topped my List of People I'd Like Ellis Wyms to Fight.
The Chiefs are up 35-7 in the 4th quarter against Houston, and Dick Vermeil is going deep. May the Lord inflict him with syphillis.
A borderline senior-citizen Ravens fan couple walks into the bar, and they sit down about 2 feet away from me. The guy reeks of cologne, which is understandable, it would take a lot to wash away the odor of Baltimore, a curious mix of crabs and murder.
Now the afore-mentioned idiot yells, "FAT BACK" after an Amos Zereoue carry. What a douche.
The Steelers/Bengals game comes to a quick end, and there's a bit of a channel controversy. The manager of the bar changes it to Fox before the 49ers/Giants game starts, and we get to see about 5 minutes of an infomercial for the ThermoSpa. The Jets/Pats game is coming down to the wire, and I'm seeing a grandmother and a guy with a gorilla chest in a hot tub. A barrage of comments emanates from our table. Sammy is chanting, "THER-MO-SPA! THER-MO-SPA!" They zoom in on the jets of the hot tub, and I scream, "THOSE AREN'T THE JETS WE WANNA SEE." An 80-year-old lady is shown in the ThermoSpa again, and a few people make comments about things they'd like to do to her. They make the earlier R. Kelly/pee comments seem tame. They finally get the Jets/Pats game on, and Dan Stryzinski goes down with an injury. "PUT HIM IN THE THERMOSPA."
The Texans are down 42-14, and are onside-kicking. The Falcons are down 31-10, and they're going deep and calling timeouts. Both games are under 1:30 from being over. Let the dreams die, fellas.
The Chargers powder blue uniforms... breathtaking. They are more attractive than most girls I've slept with.
Ravens fans are streaming in, this is ridiculous. There's probably close to 10, all told. Sadly... I am the lone Chargers fan. That seems to be pretty consistent from week to week.
The 4 o'clock games get underway, and the Chargers look nothing like the Chargers of weeks one and two. They are running the ball, they are stopping the run. I haven't been this happy since I was a little girl.
A key 3rd and 9 early in the Chargers/Ravens game, and exactly one of the Ravens fans is paying attention to the TV. He seems to be falling in love with Jeremy Shockey on the middle TV.
After Jamal Lewis's prediction that LaDainian Tomlinson wouldn't be able to run on the Ravens, he racks up 38 yards on the opening drive.
I'm not usually one given to this sort of thing, but the Chargers Cheerleaders throwback uniforms... wow. I may need some alone-time at the half. They're an old gold sweater type of thing, with a yellow skirt, and powder blue trim. They are the sexist cheerleader uniforms in the NFL, way better than any of the "how much can we show without showing actual nipple" uniforms of any other group.
Jeff Blake sacrifices his body for a Cardinals TD. Props to Jeff Blake and all, but he took a pretty good shot to the lower back with someone's helmet. It was an admirable play, but when the Cards are 3-13, and his kidneys start malfunctioning, is it a decision he'll be happy with?
I see a highlight of Steve McNair throwing a touchdown pass while someone is pulling him down by his shoulder pads from behind. It's the kind of thing that normal human beings can't do.
The Ravens score the gayest touchdown in the history of the NFL. Jamal Lewis gains three yards, is bottled up, fumbles forwards, it bounces right into the arms of someone named Ricard, and he takes it to the house. A few Ravens fans notice.
The old Ravens fan couple sitting in front of me is holding hands across the table. I'm hoping there's not a repeat of last week's mid-game ass-fisting carried out by the old Broncos fan couple. The place will run out of Handi-Wipes.
None of the Ravens fans in the bar are being particularly annoying, despite the weak TD, but there is a fantasy fan behind me, who's rooting for someone in every game. I hope the e coli virus is present in his chicken wings.
It looks to me like Ray Lewis has lost a step. He's just not making plays like he has in the past. Chris comments that he thinks the Ravens switch to the 3-4 is hurting him. In a 3-4, at least one linebacker is going to have to take on offensive lineman, and that's not Ray-Ray's specialty. In the 4-3, they can just put him in the middle and tell him to run around and make plays. The 3-4 limits him.
The Chargers owned the first half, but the Ravens owned the 2nd. They've taken a 21-3 lead, and are running the ball with ease. I hope the official aims his next penalty flag at Orlando Brown's bad eye. In fact, I hope the Chargers load up their cannon and point it at Orlando Brown's bad eye.
I am not a good loser. Unfortunate, because the Chargers look primed to do a lot of losing.
Just as the day began with some dirtiness, so will it end, it seems. We were appointed a new waitress while I was in the bathroom, and she's pointed out to me from across the room. She has, for lack of a better term... a big set. Danks remarks that the girl is in his Spanish class, and I ask, "What's Spanish for 'giant hooters?'"... at the exact moment she walks by. That... was unfortunate. I am ashamed.
This, of course, sparks a lengthy conversation about Spanish profanity, each member of the table showing off their knowledge. A.J., as it turns out, is something of an expert, saying things that would make a Spanish sailor blush. We all kind of look at him, and he says, "I used to have Hispanic orgies."
The above line was left blank because I needed a minute to process the "I used to have Hispanic orgies" comment.
As it turns out, "Hispanic Orgies" was the name of an adult video that A.J. owned. I am somewhat relieved, and I never thought I'd be happy about the fact that one of my friends owned a "Hispanic Orgies" video, but compared to what I thought a minute ago, I'm pretty happy.
Drew Brees goal-line interception kills any hope of a Chargers comeback. Three weeks into the season, I've become accustomed to losing.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 12:17 PM 0 comments
Monday, September 15, 2003
| Week 02 - 2003/2004 |
WVU lost in an embarrassing fashion yesterday to Cincinnati (is there any other way to lose to Cincinnati?), and for some reason, this weekend has the feel of a miserable 0'fer weekend. These weekends are pretty rare, but highly miserable. It occurs when the Mounties, Steelers, and Chargers all lose. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, by 7 p.m. on Sunday, the combination of humiliation, embarrassment, and ass-pain is enough to drive anyone to the brink of suicide. This is what we're trying to stave off today. I can't put my finger on why, but I've got a bad feeling about it.
Crazy Fish Guy makes his grand entrance about 10 minutes after I get there. He has a seat at my table. I feel honored, but I'm a little uncomfortable. He's talking, but I can't tell if I want to hug him or completely avoid eye contact. For now, I'm going with option B.
Michael Irvin and Tom Jackson have to be insulted by the fact that a part of their job is to justify what they say to Rush Limbaugh. The show works like this: Someone who knows something about the football says something. Rush Limbaugh can make a "challenge." And then whoever was challenged has to defend themselves against Rush's opinion, which was generated while sitting at home watching DirecTV and wishing black people didn't exist.
My buddy Danks shows up in a Tom Brady jersey and a Red Sox visor. I'm a little embarrassed.
My buddy Jonathan, who disappeared before the kickoff of the WVU game yesterday, shows his face. As it turns out, he got too drunk in the morning, and went home before the game started. This is the same guy who claimed earlier that morning that he was going to drink 250 beers in a week over spring break. Good luck with that one.
A locally-produced commercial airs, and Danks remarks that he's seen better acting in porn.
Speaking of porn, Dave Wannstedt's mustache makes an early appearance in a pre-game interview.
The early games have gotten underway. Trent Green's first pass was complete to Chad Scott for an easy touchdown.
Trent Green's second pass isn't as accurate; Mike Logan can't quite haul it in.
Terrell Owens goes down awkwardly... It looked like he may have been out for a few seconds. Jeff Garcia volunteered to perform CPR.
Early in the Jets/Fish game, it looks like Vinny Testaverde has gotten reacclimated to the idea that a first down requires 10 full yards.
Bill Cowher has, without question, the best red-flag toss in the league. It's better than most of Vinny's real passes.
Within 5 minutes of each other, Ahman Green, Jamal Lewis, and Dante Hall impressively get to the house.
Early in the Rams/49ers game, Marc Bulger is carving up the 49ers. T.O. has been concussed.
Charlie Sheen is on a CBS sitcom. I feel strangely disappointed.
A highly annoying 49ers fan is at work behind us. He's annoying, yes, but I wouldn't rank him among the most annoying sports bar fans of all time, as his rooting interest isn't for a team that's based in fantasy or completely loathsome. Still, though, I wish toss him from a 3rd-story window.
Chris Chambers make a sweet catch in the Fish/Jets game. It looks as if he has officially regained his balls.
Jeff Garcia follows T.O. to the sidelines, and the 49ers are in trouble. Thinking about the 49ers without Garcia or Owens... yuck.
Plaxico Burress is becoming a master of the art of the subtle push-off. It's just a little nudge to the back of a defender's pads before he goes up, almost completely unnoticeable in full speed. It's cheating, sure, but... it's very very good cheating.
The Fish take a 14-3 lead, and so much for Vinny's resurgence. Herman Edwards looks like he needs a hug. And a healthy Chad Pennington.
The Chiefs answer the Steelers with a nice long touchdown drive, consisting of a lot of Priest Holmes. This has the feel of a big early season game, with two good teams going toe-to-toe.
Alright, now Randy Quaid is on a CBS show. He's gone from Cousin Eddie to... a guy on a CBS show. If it wasn't for their NFL contract, would there be any need for CBS to exist? CBS has become the home of formerly likable actors who now just want to kick back and collect a fat weekly paycheck. Rick Vaughn, Cousin Eddie, Coach, the prison guard from the Green Mile. Thanks for being cool for a little while, fellas. Enjoy sucking on CBS.
Bill Cowher has been upset by something the referees have done, and one of them is now being submitted to a vicious Cowher Shower. The barrage of spit coming from his mouth makes it look like the Packers/Chiefs preseason game that was called because of rain. The players union and the officials need to get together before the season and make sure that Bill Cowher has had all his shots.
Blockbuster is giving away a free DVD that previews all of the new upcoming shows on CBS. Go ahead, we'll wait while you run to Blockbuster and get it.
Steve McNair suffers a gruesome finger injury. I'm not a doctor, but I know a finger isn't supposed to look like that. His ring finger is doing something freaky, and while I'm sure it hurts, a finger in that position would probably open up all kinds of new and exciting masturbation possibilities. The trainers ran out onto the field, and McNair waved them off and said, "Wait... I wanna try something first."
It's 27-20 at halftime of the Steelers/Chiefs game, and Randy Cross and his frosted mullet are talking about the excellent defense and inconsistent offense that's been played so far. Just thought I'd mention it.
Santana Moss takes Sam Madison out to the woodshed, toasting him down the sideline for a TD.
There is some kind of halftime ceremony honoring former Chiefs coach Hank Stramm. Yay. I'd like to matriculate my foot up his ass. I'm still a little bitter about last week's loss to the Chiefs. I won't apologize for it.
A depraved Quizno's commercial provides us with the visual of a guy sucking on a wolf. Seriously. A guy is shown laying down, with his lips pressed to the nether regions of a wolf. Tremendous marketing strategy, Quizno's. Nothing puts me in the mood for a sandwich like watching blatant bestiality. How did this commercial get past the focus groups? Was there a lot of market research suggesting that people wanted to see a wolf pleasured by a sandwich-loving male? Their new slogan is great, too. "Come to Quizno's. Suck off a wolf."
The Chiefs have taken control of the game. When their defense is playing well, the Chiefs look like a Super Bowl team.
Vinny is in midseason form. Down 21-10, he finds a wide open Patrick Surtain. "Vintage Vinny," says my buddy Chris.
Marc Bulger throws a TD strike. As he comes to the sidelines, he gets congratulations from Kurt Warner. The look on Bulger's face says, "Oh, hey old man... thanks a lot for your approval... and your job. Get your clipboard."
I'm trying to think of people that would make good candidates for a new CBS sitcom; people who fit the company mold of "Once likable, now irrelevant." Dennis Leary would make a fine candidate, I think. Matthew Broderick could get one. Ving Rhames should be popping up there any day now. Balki Bartokomous of Perfect Strangers, he's overdue for a spin-off.
Tommy Maddox, for no apparent reason, goes upside R-Kal Truluck's head. Down by three TDs, I see no reason why he shouldn't.
Jamal Lewis has gone buck wild, two days after being traded in my fantasy league. In one trade, this guy traded away Laveranues Coles, Jamal Lewis, and Patrick Ramsay. I'm guessing he did not enjoy his Sunday.
The 4 o'clock games get underway, and Reuben Droughns has scored on the Chargers. Congratulations to those of you who have him on your fantasy team.
My girlfriend starts her shift at about this time, and it appears that she is flirting with another guy. I've decided that we should have a very open relationship.
In the 1st quarter, Clinton Portis is on pace to annihilate Jamal Lewis's new rushing record. It won't happen, though, because either the Bolts defense will tighten up, or more likely, the Broncos will pull him from the game when they inevitably build a huge lead.
Our waitress is ending her shift, and she comes to give us the bill. She does, and walks away, and then turns back... at an unfortunate time. "She turned around and I was staring at her ass," says by buddy AJ.
The Chargers go down 14-0. The good news is that my girlfriend will be our new waitress. It would be a challenge for most couples, but we're going to do our best to maintain our intimacy through a dual relationship. If I catch A.J. staring at her ass, I will murder him with my butter knife.
Correll Buckhalter takes a carry for the Eagles, and as he turns the corner, an insane Eagles fan screams, "GO, PUSSY." Chris remarks that that sums up Eagles fans pretty well.
David Boston looks terrific on the sidelines, in his Chargers hat and diamond earring. I'm sure it's a look that he'll have a lot of opportunities to perfect over the course of the season.
Cooper Carlisle scores a TD against the Chargers. Again, congratulations to those of you who have him on your fantasy team.
Heard from the afore-mentioned insane Eagles fan, "YOU SUCK, TOM BRADY! I WANT YOU TO DIE!" Danks, in his Tom Brady jersey, offers no response.
My girlfriend smells like heaven. The way she empties an ashtray reminds me of how she will one day change the diapers of our children.
Jake Plummer gets hurt. I point this out to Chris, who has him on his fantasy team. "I don't give a fuck," is his response. It's good for owners to be able to accurately gauge the value of their players.
The Plummer injury, sadly, diminishes the Chargers chances for a comeback.
The Panthers have a shutout going against the Bucs...
There's a depraved Broncos fan couple sitting in front of us, and the guy has his hand a solid five inches down the back of her shorts. It's revolting. I can't really give any reasons for it, but these people just give off a very dirty sexual vibe. I bet they're going to Quizno's later.
The insane Eagles fan is screaming about Tom Brady not being able to throw a pass longer than 20 yards. Donovan McNabb is 0-5 on passes longer than 15 yards. Tom Brady completes a touchdown pass, and Danks looks across the room and goes, "Yeah, Tom Brady sucks." The Eagles are getting worked.
The Broncos kick a field goal, and I'm sure the guy sitting in front of us would've been clapping if he wasn't too busy fisting his girlfriend's ass in the middle of a sports bar. The Broncos/Chargers game is now officially a romp, and the 0'fer weekend is complete.
As an Eagles fan continues his bitching about Brady not being able to hit a pass longer than twenty yards, right on cue, Tom Brady launches a long touchdown pass. Insane Eagles fan is left without much to say.
A Bucs special teamer pats the referee on the ass after a call he agrees with. Classy move.
Edgerrin James looks like an evil Tracy Morgan.
The Bucs score what should be the game-winning TD. The Panthers take a time-out to ice Martin Grammatica for the extra point. The snap is blocked, the Panthers cave in the Tampa Bay line, and block the extra point. Unbelievable. I can't remember a more improbable play over the past few years.
At the end of the Eagles/Pats game, Donovan McNabb has a look on his face that's very reminiscent of Kordell Stewart.
Julius Peppers starts a fight with Kenyatta Walker, and it takes about half of the Panthers team to hold Peppers back. But they did, and Kenyatta Walker should write each of them thank-you notes.
The Bucs are trying to get in field goal range, but would it do any good? Martin Grammatica's brain has to be fried right now. He could possibly sky his next field goal attempt, and have it land softly at about the 10.
The Panthers complete the upset. An ugly, penalty-filled game, but the most entertaining game of the year thus far.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 12:12 PM 0 comments
Monday, September 08, 2003
| Week 01 - 2003/2004 |
Walking up the stairs to enter the sports bar, with the glow of three massive big screens off in the distance, I imagine that the trip through the afterlife tunnel into heaven might feel something like this.
It's not really the bar that has me thrilled, it's opening Sunday in the NFL. I have been giddy since waking up this morning. I feel good about the Chargers, and I feel good about spending the next 7 hours or so experiencing sensory overload due to the Chargers, chicken wings, fantasy stats, ass-crippling chairs, and Hank Williams Jr. singing the national anthem.
Ten minutes or so after entering the bar, here comes my man... Crazy Fish Guy. The legend of Crazy Fish Guy began about 3 years ago. Back then, he was just some weird lonely Dolphins fan that was always in the bar, and we were all sort of afraid to make contact with him. Since then, he's established his very own place in all of our hearts. Let me paint a picture as best I can.
Crazy Fish Guy is in his 40's, I'd guess, and always comes to the bar by himself. Good-sized beer gut, always covered by a tight sweatshirt or t-shirt with some prominent pit stains. He's got oversized, slightly-tinted glasses, sloppy dark hair, ever-present stubble, and a fairly strong southwestern Pennsylvania country music accent. There is always a gambling sheet sticking out of his pocket. I've never seen him in anything other than jeans, aqua and orange, and if I did, I wouldn't recognize him. I have no idea what his real name is, in fact, I hope he doesn't have one. I'd like to believe that when he goes home, his wife and children (in the unlikely event of their existence), call him Crazy Fish Guy.
After seeing Crazy Fish Guy for weeks and weeks and being a little creeped out by him, one day he takes the initiative and just sits down at our table. Uncomfortable silence ensues. We all kind of try to look at each other without letting Crazy Fish Guy know we're all looking at each other. We've seen him wander around and try to latch onto other tables before, but he's never done it to us. We can't believe it's really happening, and we're a little scared.
Crazy Fish Guy asks how everyone feels about the over/under in the Steelers game. We ask what it is, and he whips out the gambling sheet, which looks more like a table of specs for NASA's next mission. It's a parlay card on crack. To any game the conversation turns, Crazy Fish Guy has money on it. He likes to bet the over on every game, it seems. Crazy Fish Guy has what appears to be a serious gambling problem.
Over time, we all grow more comfortable with Crazy Fish Guy, and from time to time, we can discuss football with him, and he can discuss the ramifications of our observations on the bets he'll be laying down. We talk every weekend, but for no more than five minutes. Even so, a Sunday without seeing him feels incomplete, but if our visit exceeded five minutes, I might need months of therapy to recover. My relationship with Crazy Fish Guy is right where it should be.
Anyway, Crazy Fish Guy makes an appearance, and my world makes sense again. Everything is as it should be. He sat down at our table, I asked him if the listened to the WVU game last night, and said, "Yeah, I'm glad I took 'em, the spot went up to 10 and a half, but I kept 'em anyway." And then he went away.
On with the rest of the Sunday.
Kickoff is about 5 minutes away, my leg is shaking, and I look at the TV and yell "Fuck you, Priest" a few times in succession. I am out of control. The games on the menu are Steelers/Ravens, Chargers/Chiefs, and Dolphins/Texans. I love football.
It takes the Chiefs about 8 seconds to score. In a period of about 5 minutes, I went from deliriously giddy to hopelessly downtrodden. The Chiefs cut through the Chargers D like T.T. Boy through... I dunno. Something.
Fantasy Football Fans are out of control. I don't mean fantasy football players, I have a fantasy team, I love and support them. But getting loud in a bar every time one of your players has a 6-yard carry is ridiculous. Being loud and drawing attention to yourself when the Steelers score, and then again when the Ravens score... that's bad form. That's embarrassing. Respect the people that are there with a sincere love for their real team.
I wish to kick Dick Vermeil down a flight of stairs. I won't apologize for it.
Aaron Smith make a play in the Ravens backfield, gets up and does the trademark Joey Porter kick, and points at Joey on the sidelines. Nice little moment. It would've made Dick Vermeil cry if he wasn't busy carving up the Chargers.
Chargers left tackle Damion McIntosh has given up a ridiculously easy sack, and false started, which prompted the first Ed Hochuli sighting of the year. Ed Hochuli is a beast. He could start at linebacker for about 12 NFL teams. I wish he'd throw his flag, turn on his mic and say, "False start, #77 on the offense... there will be no 15-yard penalty, but I will, right now, proceed to whomp his ass." And then he'd grab #77, pull his jersey up over his head, and whale on him for a while.
The Chargers can't do anything right. Dropped passes, blown coverages, missed blocks... This is a nightmare.
I've become so bitter that I'm wishing for someone to poke Orlando Brown in his bad eye, for no real reason. I won't apologize for... OK, I'll apologize for that one. Sorry Orlando.
Ray-Ray Lewis makes a play and does Joey Porter's kick. Dick move.
Highlight: Lawyer Milloy sacks Tom Brady. The Pats, shut out in week one. When Milloy signed a contract with the Bills, did it include a "thanks for the other team's playbook" bonus?
Other than their secondary, pass rush, run defense, passing game, and running game, the Chargers look outstanding.
Kendrell Bell just made definitive and prolonged hand-to-nether-regions contact with Kyle Boller. I can't imagine that will be one of Kyle's favorite memories from his first ever NFL game, but it will definitely be a memory. After the game, I think I saw Bell walk up to Boller, put his arm around him and say, "Hey, good game... sorry I touched your junk. Incidental contact."
The Chargers are terrible. I feel like I've woken up on Christmas morning to find Santa Claus strangled and hanging from my living room chandelier.
Chris Chambers makes a ridiculous one-handed touchdown catch in the back of the endzone for the Fish. Crazy Fish guy has no reaction, probably because it doesn't look like the Fish are going to cover at this point. The Texans/Fish game is tight. Incidentally, the bar is teeming with Fish fans today. I'd like to believe that they're all illegitimate children of Crazy Fish Guy.Highlight: Sam Adams interception return for a touchdown. Yes, THE Sam Adams. Sam Adams has speed that is just not natural for a man his size. He was outrunning offensive linemen, which doesn't sound like a huge accomplishment, but come on... it's Sam fucking Adams.
Hines Ward and Chris McAllister have a nice feud going. Their hands are on each others' facemasks after every play. It's a battle that Hines is clearly winning. The Steelers are controlling the Ravens. Tommy Maddox looks like the MVP.
David Boston has apparently ceased to exist. The Chief secondary has him bottled up, which is not good.
The Texans take a 15-14 lead on the Fish. Every time I look up, Corey Bradford, Andre Johnson or Jabbar Gaffney are getting loose in the Dolphins secondary.
Coming back from commercial, CBS is showing the making of a Primanti Brothers sandwich at a Heinz Field concession stand. The sandwich looks money, but the person making it is throwing things together, and has no plastic glove on. It's skin on fries, skin on tomato, skin on meat, in succession. That's a bit of a concern. I don't want to assume that any individual is overly dirty, but in the "List of Occupations Most Likely to Have Outstanding Personal Hygiene," Heinz Field concessions worker isn't going to crack the top 10.
Ray Lewis, his team trailing 27-7, is talking trash to Steelers RB Verron Haynes. Haynes is laughing in his face.
Highlight: Indianapolis takes a 9-6 lead late in the game. How have the Browns held the Colts to 3 field goals? Makes little sense.
The Chargers Drayton Florence catches a punt, and stops to throw the ball across the field, only he throws it about 6 yards upfield. When I was a kid playing touch football, you could yell "spot" on a kick return, stop in place, and throw the ball downfield. Someone apparently told Drayton Florence that the NFL has enacted a similar policy. Sideline shot of the Chargers special teams coach, who should resign right now. Don't even wait for the game to end. Do the right thing, man, and just admit you are a failure.
John Stamos, Greece's favorite son, makes an appearance in a 10-10-Whatever commercial. I don't know how much the 10-10 people are paying John Stamos, but can it be worth it? Is there anyone out there who values John Stamos's word on anything? You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see Snoop Dogg do a commercial for 10-10-187. "I'm dialin' 1-8-7 with my (beep) in your mouth, (beep)ATCH."
I've never been a fan of the Gatorade commercial where Yao Ming, Derek Jeter, and Peyton Manning ask if Jimmy can come out and play, but what if it was Anthony Mason, Edgerrin James, and C.C. Sabathia stopping by and asking if Jimmy can come out and play? How would that work, mom?
With 5:30 left in the fourth quarter, a David Boston sighting. Glad you could join us today, David.
The Texans are down 5 against the Fish... and driving.
San Diego and Baltimore score simultaneous meaningless touchdowns. The late-game meaningless touchdown is an odd feeling. The pain of getting dominated is there, and it isn't going away, but still, the TD is nice, even if I can't quite admit it right now. It's kind of like being dumped by the love of your life, but having her call back in an hour and tell you that you have tremendous sexual abilities. The pain still overrides everything, but it is something hopeful for the future.
A guy walks into the bar with a Saints Ricky Williams jersey on, but he's taped over Williams name and #34, and and wrote "McALLISTER" over Williams, and put a 26 over the 34. He had the same jersey last year. It was kind of amusing then, but it's time to turn the page, fella.
My girlfriend walks by. We speak briefly. She is a waitress. We speak a maximum of 17 times a year, always within the customer/waitress relationship structure, but she's always so nice and has an adorable smile, and I believe she is my girlfriend. She has no idea, but we have a wonderful relationship. Last year, I made an engagement ring for her out of a cocktail napkin, but was unable to give it to her. I just couldn't find the right moment in the Chargers/Broncos game to get down on one knee, and do it right. But alas, she is not my waitress today. With an endearing smile, she says she'll send another waitress to our table, and as she walks away, I ask her to marry me. Sadly, she didn't hear me. But today, she won't even be bringing me ice water. I feel like I need to spice our relationship up somehow.
The Texans intercept Jay Fiedler. The Fish are in trouble.
The Texans are not going to be an easy win for anyone this year. They play very solid defense. They can run the ball. They have playmakers at receiver.
A Dallas Cowboys cheerleader is singing the national anthem for the Cowboys/Falcons game. In her cheerleader outfit. Only in America can you dress like a Texas hooker, sing the national anthem in front of 60,000 people, bang an entire defensive live, and do a photo spread for Penthouse all in one weekend, and then teach kindergarten the next day. U-S-A! U-S-A!
Kris Brown buried a field goal, and the Fish go down in week one. Three guys on the CBS panel picked the Fish to win the entire AFC before the game started, and my buddy Chris said right then that they had no chance. He was right. At least they didn't wait until December to completely melt down.
Heard from a fan sitting behind me, at the start of the Cowboys/Falcons game. "Why isn't Vick in?" That guy is probably the doormat in three fantasy leagues.
Heard from a different guy sitting behind me: "You know, the Cowboys really aren't that good." It's this kind of insightful analysis that you can get only at the Sports Bar on Sunday.
The Budweiser commercial where the ref explains that a personal foul penalty is a "make-good" call for an earlier pass interference call is excellent. I feel like buying some Budweiser, and I don't even like Budweiser. I'll pour it down the drain, just to show my support of them over Coors Light. Maybe I'll just mail the Budweiser people a check. And the Coors people a photocopy of my ass.
Doug Johnson throws a pass downfield that I wouldn't throw if I was at home playing Madden while stoned out of my mind. The receiver couldn't have been surrounded by more Cowboys if he was in a San Antonio gay rodeo bar.
Mario Edwards, corner for the Cowboys is the newest member of the All-Neck team, a group of players that my friends and I recognize for having substantial neck length. Harvey Williams is the head coach, Merton Hanks is the team president.
A guy who has been cheering loudly for the Cowboys goes crazy for a 49ers blocked punt. I don't know if he's ADD or a serious Fantasy Fan, but his behavior is not excusable.
Alright, there's a serious problem in the NFL. Quincy Carter and Garrison Hearst are men with very dark skin, and they're both wearing Breathe-Right strips that were made to match the skin-tone of Wilford Brimley. I don't know if the Breathe-Right people make one in a darker color, or a clear one, but it's a problem. When the shadows are right in Texas Stadium, it looks like there's just a light tan Breathe-Right strip floating around in Quincy Carter's helmet.
Steve Mariucci's postgame speech to his team was outstanding. I've never heard a coach give fans that much credit. It sounds like his team likes him, and like they're all buying into the family concept. I bet the Lions wish they could just call a press conference tomorrow and announce that they're done with their season. They're happy with their one win, and they're going home.
Howie Long reports that Kurt Warner may have sustained a concussion early in the Rams/Giants game. It would help explain his atrocious performance, but I'm not buying it, for two reasons. One, I think Mike Martz is absolutely married to the idea of Kurt Warner as his starting quarterback, and is trying to blame a non-existent concussion for his struggles today, so he can plug him back into the line-up next week when I'm sure he'll be fully recovered. Two, I think Martz wants to visit Warner in his New York hospital room and give him a thorough sponge bath.
The 49ers' Dennis Erickson hiring looks very good, mostly thanks to Kordell Stewart and his non-existent offensive line. Kordell threw some terrible interceptions, but he was being chased all day. It's like their line is composed of five Damion McIntoshes.
Joe Buck is a complete loser. If he and Paul McGuire were ever on the same broadcast team, the suicide rate among American football fans would increase dramatically.
Peerless Price is doing a terrific David Boston impersonation. He's a ghost all game, and makes an appearance with 4:55 left to play in the fourth quarter. The chances of Peerless Price emerging is a viable #1 receiver seem quite slim.
The Bears look like a terrible terrible team. No offensive line, very little passing game, very little running game, and a defense that isn't going to be able to overcome any of that. They do have some quality defenders, but all-around, their defense isn't good enough to put the team on its back and carry it to victories all by itself. The Bears have 2-14 potential. Their performance made the Chargers look respectable by comparison.
This Dr. Pepper commercial needs a lot more Anastacia, a lot less Cyndi Lauper, and to be muted every time it comes on.
All the 4:00 games are pretty much over. My ass is absolutely numb. Time to go home.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 12:09 PM 0 comments
