Monday, October 27, 2003
| Week 08 - 2003/2004 |
Any Sunday in which the Chargers don't lose is a good Sunday for MJD, and since the Bolts are slated for a Monday night ass-pounding of the fish, I'll be going home happy this evening. I just need to see my girl, slap Crazy Fish Guy around for a little while, and I'll be alright.
At least, that's how I had things planned, but the day was shrouded in a cloud of morosity from the second I woke up. I usually roll out of bed on Sunday morning and am driving to the Sports Bar without being fully awake. I was looking forward to the extra hour of sleep this week, but was deprived of it because of an early phone call by a douchebag friend that completely forgot about the time change. That set the tone for the day.
Again, an inauspicious beginning. In fact, it goes way beyond inauspicious, I'm pissed off. We've been sitting at the same table in this place for four years now, and I get there early every week to ensure that it continues. I walk in at about 10 minutes after noon, and it's taken. I know it seems like I'm bitching about something trivial, but my feng shui is going to be fucked up all day... I am not at all happy.
Jillian Barberie, the woman who does the weather reports on Fox... well, what's a nice way to put this... she's... she's redefining the word skank with each second she remains on TV. Does she shop at Bangkok whorehouse rummage sales? She just has kind of a presence that says, "Pass me around like a spliff at a Bob Marley concert."
James Brown hosts the Fox pregame show along with Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson, and he's about the the third whitest guy on the set. He should have to change his name to ensure that he'll never be confused with someone who had some actual soul. He was talking about a song that Fox used during a little vignette, and when he said the words "rap song" and "Xzibit," he sounded like a Texan trying to read french for the first time. He had to force the words out of his mouth. He looked just completely uncomfortable speaking the words. It seemed about as natural as Kid Rock reading... well, Kid Rock being able to read at all.
Once again, no Crazy Fish Guy. I didn't expect him, and honestly, I'm glad he wasn't here. The Chargers play the Fish on Monday night, and while I'm sure that Crazy Fish Guy wouldn't have been talking any trash, I'd still have been looking at him, and in my head, calling him names... I wouldn't want to, but... I'm just that kind of guy. I can't help it.
Some knob has shown up wearing a Marc Bulger jersey and a Steelers hat. I don't know who he's actually going to root for in the game, but either way, he's a pussy. I would feel completely justified if I smacked him in the mouth.
The Patriots/Browns game is on in the back room, and my buddy Danks wants to go back there to watch it. I don't want to the guy to sit there for 3 hours by himself (though I've sat through many a depressing Charger game with my imaginary girlfriend as my only company), so I'm going with him. Chris and A.J. stay out front to watch the Steelers.
The back room is normally where Giants fans are caged up, but they must be on local TV today, because there's only a couple of them in the house. I'm sitting near a guy in a Shockey jersey, and he just got his order of chicken wings. The first thing I hear him say is, "These fuckin' wings are really fuckin' good, dude," with extra emphasis on the 2nd and 6th words of the sentence.
The move to the back does have at least one positive. I'm watching the Patriots with Danks, so that means I'll get to enjoy a full game of Rodney Harrison again. I miss him more than any other player that's departed from one of my favorite pro teams. If I made a list of guys who I'd pay to watch play, it would include (but wouldn't necessarily be limited to) Randy Moss, LaDainian Tomlinson, Steve McNair, and Rodney Harrison.
The back room is also home this week to someone who's showing the ability to become one of the all-time annoying fans in sports bar history. It's early, but he's got tremendous upside. He's a Browns fan. He's big, he's loud, he's unpleasant, and he's unclean. He sums up the city of Cleveland pretty well. His presence, plus supporting Danks, plus Rodney Harrison = MJD, temporary Patriots fan.
The four games I can see are G-Men/Vikes, Titans/Jags, Panthers/Saints, and Pats/Browns.
Watching an early highlight, some Seahawk is 10 yards open in all directions streaking down the field against the Bengals. As it turns out, he's a tight end. That's not a good sign for the Bengals.
Chris, sitting in the front room, said he wanted updates on some of his fantasy players that Danks and I could watch in the back room. Ike Hilliard scores, and Danks, sitting no more than 30 feet away from Chris and A.J., calls him on his cell phone to pass along the update.
Fox's commercial for their new show Arrested Development is loud. That's it, there's really nothing more to the commercial, it's just loud. The intent is to be really loud, so you'll notice the commercial. What a very Fox thing to do.
The Browns offensive line provides about as much protection as a mesh rubber.
Eddie George has three substantial gains on three straight Titans plays. That hasn't happened since 1999.
Daunte Culpepper drops back, and there is absolutely no indication that anyone on the Giants defensive line will be able to get near him anytime within the next half hour or so. He unloads a pass to Randy Moss that travels 70 yards in the air. Remember what I was saying a few weeks ago about leaving Gus Frerotte in the starting line-up? Yeah... Never mind.
That Brian Urlacher candy bar commercial where he busts through the wall of the locker room comes on, and the guy in the Shockey jersey says, completely serious, "That could never happen." Guy must be a physics major.
I'd just like to let everyone know that I'm thoroughly enjoying my reunion with Rodney Harrison. He's mean, he's tough, and it seems like he's in on every play.
It might not make any highlight reel, but Steve McNair just made a great throw for a touchdown to Tyrone Calico. Calico followed it up with a sweet split-legged dunk over the goalposts.
Tim Couch reminds me of Rob Johnson. His preference is to hang out in the pocket all day with no inclination to move. I think I even saw him back there masturbating. He drops back, and he's going to throw the ball, or he's going to get sacked. With Tim Couch, there are no other options.
Kerry Collins misses a wide open Shockey in the endzone. Shockey is fired up on the sidelines, any gay people in the area might want to move to somewhere safer. I can't read lips, but he may have just called Kerry Collins something that rhymes with "Sockchucker."
The Giants look pretty solid thus far offensively, but they've just failed to capitalize in the red zone. Daunte Culpepper is getting way too much time, though. The Giants are up, but I don't see them winning this game.
With the Fox crew in Pittsburgh, Best Damn Sports Show Host Chris Rose and Marv Levy are handling the halftime duties for Fox, in what looks like some recycled old ghetto studio. Incidentally, Marv Levy is the smartest and most decent man that Chris Rose has ever been around. Of course, you could say the same about 90% of the world's population if they were sitting next to Chris Rose.
Gary Anderson is the best 44-year old South African in the NFL.
There's a guy sitting at a table in the back room who is spontaneously rooting for any team that scores. I think he must have a favorite team in each division. I'd also be willing to bet that he's the only black man in West Virginia that owns a David Beckham jersey.
Dan Krieder, Steelers fullback, makes an acrobatic (well, somewhat acrobatic) one-handed catch. I implore Bill Cowher to split him out wide from now on, but he refuses.
The LeBron James Nike commercial when he pauses with the ball for about 30 seconds... I've gotta admit, that was pretty sweet. I have no idea what message Nike was trying to get across to me, but I liked it anyway. The entire room went silent during the commercial, just waiting to see what was going to happen. It came on again later, and I did the exact same thing. I can't explain it.
Eddie George's first 5 carries went for 38 yards. His next 9 went for 9 yards. That's more like it, Eddie.
The Browns, facing a 4th and 1, fake a punt and get the first down. Unclean Browns fan didn't even notice. He was completely oblivious to the whole thing. After a couple of replays, he catches on and goes nuts. "GUTSY CALL, BUTCH! WOOOOOO! RUFF RUFF RUFF!" Glad you could join us today, toolbox.
Some guy in the Patriots crowd is holding up the "D" and the "Fence," and not to be too hard on that guy, because there's one in every stadium, but come on... that's just not cute anymore. Stop putting those people on TV. "That's the most overused thing ever," says Danks. I'd hate to be stuck sitting behind the guy holding those up. I'd like to take a Sharpie and write "I-L-D-O" across his fence posts.
I'm not making a lot of observations right now... the primary game I'm watching is Browns/Pats, and the score is an electrifying 6-3. It barely even resembles football. If Rodney Harrison wasn't a Patriot, I'd probably be asleep.
Unclean Browns fan stands up, and the guy is wearing an orange t-shirt with both the Browns and Raiders logos on it. I don't really know what's going on with that. Maybe he's just a big Kid Rock fan. I'd like to kick him down a flight of stairs and yell, "Somebody's gotta feel this!"
Jeremy Shockey makes a big play of some kind, and the guy in the Shockey jersey goes, "Fuck that shit! Do that!" Actually, Shockey fan has been remarkably well-behaved, and is just enthusiastic and loyal... I have no quarrel with him. He amuses me.
Unclean Browns fan barks like a dog every time they show a fan in the crowd with a dog mask on. Those aren't real dogs, man. They're people with dog masks on. Come on. And now the Patriots are about to attempt a field goal with under two minutes left to take a 6-point lead, and the guy just gets up and leaves the room. He just leaves... doesn't even watch it. Big fan, this guy. And then he comes back and bitches about how his beloved Browns always do this to him, make him wait until the last minute, and then lose... Man, I wish this fuck was there last week when the Chargers beat the Browns, I'd have made him my bitch.
I take a walk through the adjoining bowling alley to use the bathroom, and there's a big dirty redneck guy bowling in a "Nas" t-shirt. I have no words.
As the Rams/Steelers game ends, Marc Bulger and Amos Zereoue meet at midfield, exchange hugs and pleasantries, and I'm sure, share their thoughts on the completely dominating, extremely thorough ass-pounding their alma mater applied to some hapless team on Wednesday night.
Remember what I said earlier about the Giants not winning that game? Yeah... never mind.
I just watched a 9-3 shootout, the Steelers were beaten handily, and the mood is glum. The sports bar is nearly empty. The afternoon games look about as appealing as Kid Rock Unplugged. Jets/Eagles, 49ers/Cardinals, Colts/Texans. Ouch.
Remember what I said in my season preview about the AFC North consisting of the Steelers and a bunch of other teams? Yeah... never mind.
After the early games, the people who were at our table leave, and we go sit there. Chris finds a nearly-completed crossword puzzle that they were working on. It just adds insult to injury... our table was hijacked by the kind of bastards who sit in a sports bar and do a fucking crossword puzzle. Say, what's a 5-letter word for "Assface who stole our table," second letter u, third letter s, fourth letter s, fifth letter y?
About a minute after we get back to our table, Chris empties the contents of his water glass into my lap. At this point, I didn't even really care. I'll make a few dirty sex jokes about his grandmother and we'll call it even.
Our new waitress is, you guessed it... my sweet sweet girlfriend. She smells terrific today. I think her parents also might be in the house today, she's spent some time talking to a couple of older people at another table, and there's something of a resemblance. I'm honored that she feels it's time for me to meet her parents. I exchange pleasantries with him by waving at them from across the room and whispering "Hi mom, Hi dad." They didn't acknowledge me, and they seemed a little startled, but I feel like on some deep level, they were able to feel the love I have for their daughter. Dad didn't alert the bouncers or throw anything at me, and I've got to interpret that to mean that I have his blessing to make an honest woman out of his daughter.
AJ is watching the Niners/Cards in game in Arizona and comments that the weather always looks so nice there.
AJ: It's always so nice there, it never rains or anything.
Me: It's 120 degrees, man.
AJ: Yeah, but it never rains.
Chris: Dude, it's called the desert.
AJ: I'm just saying... it never rains there.
Vinny Testaverde, off a flea flicker, throws a beautiful deep ball to Santana Moss. I can't find it in me to care. I'm just bored by these games... we're considering leaving at halftime.
I make the suggestion that we adopt the Cardinals for the afternoon, cheer wildly for them, and say ridiculous things. This idea is slow to gain momentum.
Jeff Blake throws an interception, I demand a flag be thrown for interference.
I'm on a first name basis with Jeff Blake. I'm his biggest fan, and I don't care who knows it.
Chris, in support of the Cardinals, is going, "Caw! Caw! Caw!"
I start screaming about how the 49ers shouldn't fuck with the Cardinals because the cardinal is the official state bird of West Virginia, and this sparks a long conversation about various state birds and insects. AJ ends it by saying, "The state cock... is AJ's."
The cheer-wildly-for-the-Cardinals movement just isn't working out. It's not really fun for me to mock root for a terrible team, because I've been sincerely rooting for a terrible team since childhood.
Jeff "Boggs" Garcia is hurt and knocked from the game. The midweek acquisition of Byron Hadley really paid off for the Cardinals.
Alright, we're leaving. Everyone else has pretty much made the decision to leave, and none of these games are worth sitting through by myself. I blow a kiss goodbye to mom and dad, and I'm out.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 12:33 PM 0 comments
Monday, October 20, 2003
| Week 07 - 2003/2004 |
I felt pretty good about the Chargers chances this week. The Browns offensive line had some injury problems, we had a week off to work out some of the secondary problems, and I broke out the for-emergency-use-only Chargers socks.
Also, the Bolts were playing at 1 o'clock instead of their usual 4 o'clock starting time, so if they did happen to lose, I'd have a whole three or fours to shake off the misery before returning home. That way, maybe I could have a Sunday where I wouldn't have to go home and sit alone in the dark for a few hours and think about why the Chargers suck large amounts of wang.
Each week, the people at the bar make little signs indicating which game is going to be on each TV, and as I walk in today, I see that the Chargers/Browns game is on the middle TV, which means I'll be watching it and listening to it. This is a rare treat, and I've got to believe it was done with me in mind. That's a sign of a quality establishment. They know how to take care of the losers that spend 8 hours there every Sunday.
As if Terry Bradshaw isn't annoying enough on his own, Fox has decided to have his brother involved in the pre-game show this week. It appears as if Howie Long is attempting to explain something football-related, but I can't hear it because Terry Bradshaw is too busy laughing hysterically at every joke he makes.
My buddy Danks, a long-suffering Red Sox fan, walks in just as Fox decides to show highlights of the game seven loss to the Yankees. Ouch.
My buddy Chris, who arrived at the place before I did, tells me about some Browns fans who came in earlier. They walked in, sat down, said, "Hey, the Browns are on the middle TV, cool," got some takeout, and left at about 12:30. Diehards.
Before the games get underway, we have a little discussion about the easiest positions in the NFL to play. I didn't hear it, but I guess Michael Irvin was saying on Gameday that offensive linemen have the easiest jobs, which strikes me as ridiculous. Defensive ends, especially the ones that are about 6'4", 280 and ripped, are about the best big athletes you're going to find in the world. It takes a little bit more than just standing in their way. The easiest? Either running back or the big defensive tackle who's job is just to take up space and attempt to move forwards.
We're just about to kickoff. The Browns are wearing their all-orange uniforms this week, apparently choosing to honor Halloween in lieu of their usual weekly tribute to feces.
Orpheus Roye, brother of former NHL goalie Patrick, plays for the Browns. What a talented family.
CBS has busted out the big guns for the Browns/Chargers game. Ian Eagle and Soloman Wilcots.
There's a dude sitting at the table next to ours wearing a Steelers jersey, and rooting for the Browns. I'm not sure of the reason, but I'm pretty sure this douche is a big-time fantasy fan. See? Some of you, I'm sure, don't fully understand the scourge of the fantasy fan. This is what happens. You end up with a guy who's supposedly a Steelers fan cheering for the Browns. It's the guy I mentioned last week, the one on crutches. I now hate him. I want to snap his crutches over my knee and toss them down into the bowling alley.
LaDainian Tomlinson is having his way with the Browns D. He is Ike, they are Tina. Jamal Lewis's record may be in trouble.
And the Browns are forced to burn a timeout with the first play of the 2nd quarter. Exactly how does that happen?
Danks, Nate, and I decide that if a Battle Royale were held among all NFL punters, Darren Bennett is winning it easily.
I'm not making a whole lot of game updates right now. There's just one game I'm focusing on, I'm watching it intently, and things are going well. I don't want to jinx it.
Mario Edwards of the Dallas Cowboys and the all-neck team intercepts a pass, starts high-stepping at about the 4, and is surprised to see a defender in his way at about the 2. He loses the high-step and gets in anyway.
On a drive close to the end of the first half, the Bolts force the Browns into a punting situation. The Browns punt, penalty on the Chargers... first down, Brownies. 3 more downs... and the Browns are in another punting situation. They punt... penalty on the Chargers, first down, Brownies. They end up scoring before the half. This... this is not good.
Quincy Carter is having a day. I would point out that the Cowboys haven't played much of a schedule to this point, and I'd like to see Quincy do this against a real team... but since he's in the NFC East, he might not ever have to do it against a real team.
My man Tim makes a surprise entrance in the first half of the Bolts game. He's wearing orange, but he lives a few hundred miles away and I haven't seen him in months, so I forgive him. He also brought a tube of something called "Wang Sauce." If the Chargers weren't winning, I'd be able to devote more time to figuring out exactly what the "Wang Sauce" is, but right now... I've got to let it go.
Nice crowd shot of a young lady in a Rams jersey, wearing a cheesehead at the Rams/Packers game. I don't understand. Perhaps she's a Rams fan that's just a really big fan of the cheese industry.
Randy Moss with a sweet little play, with the blind over-the-shoulder assist to Moe Williams. If anyone else in Minnesota could pass like that, the Timberwolves might've made it out of the first round of the playoffs by now.
You know who I'd like to see on the receiving end of a vicious, helmet-first, fine-inducing Rodney Harrison hit? Jared from Subway. These damn commercials just get worse and worse. I absolutely cannot wait until he gets arrested for something. It's set up perfectly... average Joe kind of guy, achieves quasi-celebrity status, too much money and too much fame go to his head... he gets pulled over with a Canadian prostitute, a few grams of coke in the glove box, a Glock under the drivers seat... something like that, I don't know. He'll probably hold up a six-inch Turkey Club in his mugshot.
The Chargers with an impressive red-zone sequence. It's 3rd and 6, followed by... a false start. Another false start. A sack. A missed field goal.
Eddie Berlin, Dane Looker, and Drew Bennett all score touchdowns during the early games... it's a white receiver explosion.
Joey Porter's gotten a lot of love for his return from a gunshot wound, but you know... Terrence Kiel's (rookie Chargers safety) return is far more manly. Porter was an innocent bystander, and took one in the ass. Kiel got carjacked, took one in the stomach, and fragments in the knee. When the NFL unveils its Gunshot-Survival Award, Terrence Kiel better be the inaugural winner.
Kelly Holcomb enters the game for the Brownies. That's too bad, the whole Tim Couch thing was working out very well for the Chargers.
The Rams, even without Marshall Faulk, are impressing me. That defense looks very tough at time. The Rams and Vikings are, in my opinion, the two favorites for the NFC championship.
Kelly Holcomb looks like he's 12. If he's not careful, he could end up in a hot tub with Mark Chmura.
Ian Eagle as Tim Dwight fumbles: "The Chargers have found ways to lose this season!" Remind me later to add Ian Eagle to the list of people I should murder.
Ian Eagle is pretty much openly rooting for the Browns. Kelly Holcomb has the offense moving, and Ian can barely contain his excitement.
A 17-point Chargers 4th quarter lead has shrunk to 3. My buddy A.J. is encouraging me to start smoking.
At to minutes 'till 4, Crazy Fish Gay enters the house! He's got on a very snug Dolphins t-shirt. Danks says, "That shirt... it scares me."
The Chargers have 3rd and inches at the goal line, a TD would slam the door on a victory. And Drew Brees rolls out and takes a 12-yard sack. Impressive. LT has been able to do anything he wants all day, and we have Drew Brees run 12 yards backwards and fall down when we need to gain a few inches.
With less than a minute left, the Chargers up by 6, they punt at about the Browns 30. I'm OK with it, Darren Bennett is very good at pinning teams deep in their own territory. He gets off an ideal punt, three Chargers are waiting for it as it approaches the goal line... and Kevin House, both feet planted firmly in the endzone, grabs the ball. Any one of those three guys could've easily put that ball down inside the one, and this guy grabs it while his feet are both about 10 inches deep in the endzone. That's the dumbest thing I've seen anyone do in a football game since Plaxico Burress spiked a live ball. Kevin House should be cut on Monday morning. I briefly lose control and start screaming that on Monday morning, Kevin House needs to spend his Monday morning "looking for a fucking job." I almost hope the guy was on crack. Seriously. I hope he at least has an excuse... "I'm sorry. I let the team down... I've been watching a lot of Playmakers, and I thought it was OK to smoke crack and beat up hookers just prior to game time. My head wasn't in the right place. I'm going to rehab now."
Less than a minute to play, and the Browns need to go 80 yards... and they can't do it...
BOLTS WIN.
WOOOOOOOO!!
AWWWW YEAH.
YOU LIKE THAT, BITCHES?!
THE BOLTS ARE BACK, BABY.
San Diego... SUPER CHARGERS.
Alright... it's about the end of the first quarter in all of the 4 o'clock games, and I've regained consciousness. Oh, and by the way, the Chargers are going to run the table. 11-5.
By the way, no sign of my girlfriend today. It's too bad that she couldn't be here to share this moment with me, the way we've shared so many other special moments... like our first imaginary date, our first imaginary kiss, our first imaginary EPT home pregnancy test.
Troy Brown hauls in an 80-yard TD catch in overtime. I'm happy for Danks, I'd hate to see the Pats lose in overtime after all the anguish he went through with the Red Sox this week, but... I'm also sorry Crazy Fish Guy had to see that.
Has there ever been a good commercial for a truck? Are rednecks the only people who buy trucks? We need to get a movement started for non-redneck people to start buying trucks, so maybe we can avoid every single truck advertisement starting some mulletted country music tool, and some unshaven drive-thru worker dreaming about something called a "hemmy."
The Texans are outgaining the Jets 128 yards to 2, and the Bills have a similar advantage over the Redskins, 129-5.
Patrick Ramsey unloads a sweet deep ball to Laveraneus Coles. I'm somewhat impressed with Patrick Ramsey, which is unfortunate, because I hate the Redskins. Ramsey has a nice arm, seems to be able to find open receivers, and is tough. Behind that offensive line, he'll have to be.
The Texans are having their way with the Jets, and if it continues... the Chargers won't be dead last in everyone's power rankings again this week.
San Diego... SUPER CHARGERS.
Perhaps I'm overreacting to one win, but you know... I don't care. It wasn't very long ago that the Chargers went 1-15, and back then, I had to fight to get their games on TV. Their one win was against Kansas City, and just as time was about to expire, and the game-deciding field goal was about to be kicked, every fucking TV station in the country cut away to some Florida election results that turned out to be completely meaningless, and I missed our one win. So when we're 0-5, and pull out a victory, it's happy time for MJD.
Patrick Ramsey, behind his stellar offensive line, manages to fumble twice in the same play.
Terrell Owens scores a touchdown, and breaks out the "run into the field goal posts, fall backwards, expose the taint, and give the football to a hottie in the first row" touchdown dance.
Todd Yoder is pushed out of bounds right into Jon Gruden, who goes down pretty hard. I am sad to report that Gruden was not seriously injured on the play.
The Fox commentators are talking about Terry Bradshaw's comments this morning that the Redskins were close to trading for Terrell Owens before the NFL's trading deadline this week. I don't believe it.
Moose Johnston, who's commentary I've enjoyed to this point, starts talking about how Bruce Smith, if he breaks the all-time sack record, deserves to be mentioned in the same company as Wayne Gretzky, Emmitt Smith, and Hank Aaron. Easy, Moose. They only started keeping that stat at about, what, 1980? Deacon Jones might have had 5,892 sacks, and no one would no it. And it's a sack, a relatively small portion of the game, much unlike rushing yards, TDs, hockey goals, or home runs on baseball. I don't mean to discredit Bruce Smith, but let's slow down a little. Gretzky, Emmitt and Hank? More like Steve Yzerman, Franco Harris, and Don Mattingly.
Tony Siragusa is doing some sideline reporting for Fox, and he's doing a tremendous job. He's entertaining without being over-the-top, relaxed and cool on camera, and fairly insightful. In many many many ways, he is the anti-Lisa Geurrero.
The Bills are up 10-0 on the Redskins. They show Jim Kelly on the sidelines, all I suddenly feel that the Bills are going to lose 13-10.
For some reason, a "Fuck the Yankees" chant breaks out in the bar. I like it.
Ed Hochuli is doing the Jets/Texans game, and he might be the best athlete on the field right now.
The Bills saw the tape last week of Brad Johnson and the Bucs abusing Champ Bailey on the bootleg roll-out, and are taking advantage. He gets suckered on that every damn time.
I'll be honest with you... I don't really care about any of these games going on right now. I'm still basking in the glow of the Chargers victory. If I saw my car explode in the parking lot right now, I probably wouldn't care too much.
A Redskins fan, on every 3rd down the Redskins have, screams, "DO SOMETHING!" I think he'd make an outstanding offensive coordinator.
Julian Peterson intercepts a Brad Johnson pass, and breaks off an outstanding runback. He looked better than any of the running backs currently on the Redskins roster.
Travis Henry is nice, but this Redskins/Bills game feels a lot more like the Redskins being terrible than it does the Bills being good.
The Texans/Jets game... well, it seems like both teams being terrible.
Moose Johnston on the Redskins offensive line: "Patrick Ramsey will not make it through the season." They show a stat that he's been hit 10 times, hurried 11 times, and fumbled 3 times. He is promptly sent to the locker room with a hand/arm injury. The good news for the Skins is that Rob Johnson is warming up.
I think we're all just soaking up the very emotional Rob Johnson/Buffalo homecoming moment right now. It's touching.
Moose Johnston on the Redskins offensive line: "It's not just individual guys getting beat, it's the entire philosophy." Rob Johnson is promptly mauled by the entire Bills defensive line.
Lamont Jordan scores for the Jets, and follows it with possibly the best TD celebration of the year this far. He takes the ball over to the goalposts, "pulls the cord" on it like a chainsaw, and pretends to saw down the goalposts. Nice.
Both the Redskins/Bills and the 49ers/Bucs games have been decided for some time now... and yes, now the Jets/Texans game has been mercifully brought to a conclusion. I am going to go home now and not be miserable.
San Diego... SUPER CHARGERS.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 12:30 PM 0 comments
Monday, October 13, 2003
| Week 06 - 2003/2004 |
Usually when someone says, "The bye week is coming at a really good time," it's because the team has played a few very physical games in a row, needs some time to get some bruises and nicks healed up, etc... but for me this week, the Chargers bye comes at a really good time because I'd really like to have a Sunday where I don't go home and cry for about an hour.
The bye week also meant that I'd get to see more actual good football games, and there were some classics on the slate today. Colts/Panthers, Cowboys/Eagles, and Sapp/Arrington all had a certain amount of intrigue, and I wouldn't have to miss any of them so I could better focus on the Chargers offensive line's 3-and-a-half hour game of "OLE!"
Oh, we're off to a solid start this week. Our waitress... is my girlfriend. I'm telling you, no one waits a table like this woman. She's amazing... constant attention, bright smiles, a completely imaginary love of me... it just doesn't get any better. I watch her wait other tables, and she's just as nice to all of them, and it occurs to me that maybe she really isn't in love with me, but is just nice to everyone... but then I think about how great it is that, despite her feelings for me, she is able to focus on the rest of her job, and treat all of the common people just as she does me, her one true love. She's amazing.
I'm sitting next to an Eagles fan, which has me concerned... and even worse, he's feeling chatty. He asks me who's my favorite team, and I tell him it's the Chargers, and he says, "Oh yeah, I remember you from like three years ago. You were sitting right there." Yes... that was me.
A sports bar regular who I don't really know has a seat at the end of our table... He's a serious fantasy fan, he carries a notebook listing the players from all three of his teams, and he's also feeling chatty. The guy is on crutches, and strangely, so is his girlfriend... and of course, my buddy Sammy asks if they can still find a way to have sex. You'll be happy to know they can.
Terry Bradshaw is annoying all hell. When I come here, I never get a choice in what pre-game show I'm going to watch, and I'm starting to think I might prefer an hour of Rush Limbaugh to Terry Bradshaw. He's like a child who thinks he knows something and can't wait to prove how smart and funny he is, so he'll scream, run around, jump up and down for attention, and I find myself just wishing he had been aborted. I can imagine that he would appeal very much to the NASCAR fans of the football community.
Usually, Redskins games and Giants games are confined to the back room, so the animalistic fans of the NFC East are usually kept apart from the decent God-fearing general population. This week, fans of the Eagles, Cowboys, and Redskins are all in the same room with me, and I think it's mostly Eagles fans. I feel like I'm in the zoo on the wrong side of the cage.
Warren Sapp ran around the Redskins warm-up lines, not through them. Pussy.
Terry Bradshaw and Cris Collinsworth have similar mullets. It's like they both secretly love the mullet, but are afraid to let it go in full force. It just cascades safely halfway down their neck, neatly gelled or moussed. It's very weak. Let your inner desire for a mullet run wild, fellas, don't hide from it.
The Eagles attempt an opening-game onside kick... and the Cowboys take it the other way to the house. That didn't work out too well for the Eagles fans in the room.
At least nine people in here have the Bud Light "Brian Henderson of 12 Maple Lane" commercial memorized. That commercial is being treated like high art by the football fans of America.
Quincy Carter takes the field... and the Breathe Right people are ignoring me. I'm going to keep writing them. I'm going to be like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank, requesting funds for the prison library. They can't ignore me forever.
A Donovan McNabb pass is batted down at the line of scrimmage, and a mastermind fan on the other side of me says, "Couldn't he see his hand right there?"
I'm hearing lots of "GET 'EM, GET 'EM, GET 'EM"s today. It's parents weekend at the university, so there's a lot of 40-50 year old men around who just spent some time in a college atmosphere and still think they're young and cool. They aren't.
Joe Buck is off somewhere else this week, annoying a whole other group of people, so Dick Stockton is in for him this week on Fox's #1 broadcast team. Switching to Dick Stockton from Joe Buck is like switching to Cristal after an evening of pounding Mad Dog.
Sammy calls my girlfriend by her first name. I think he's getting just a little bit too intimate with her. I am the jealous type.
I'm overhearing a conversation that's taking place next to me between a mother and a father of a local university student. The one father (same guy who made the inspired "Couldn't he see his hand right there?" comment) is trying to rationalize the fact that his daughter didn't spend much time with him this weekend, saying that she has a job, a boyfriend, her studies, etc. Maybe that's it, pal, or maybe she's like everyone else in the world and thinks you're an annoying knob.
Eagles fans like to spell out "E-A-G-L-E-S" after they score. I wonder why the Buccaneers don't do this. Sammy speculates that if the Eagles fans had to spell out Philadelphia, half of them would start it with, "F-I-L-L..."
Steven Davis is bouncing off Colts defenders like a pinball, shedding at least four tackles on his way to the house. The Panthers play tough defense and have a physical running game. Those two things never go out of style.
The chatty Eagles fans next to me was running a little smack at halftime of the Eagles/Cowboys game, accusing some Cowboys fans of jumping on the bandwagon when the Cowboys won the Super Bowl, making fun of Joey Galloway's contract... it's pretty standard stuff, really. A guy is walking back to his table in a Cowboys Emmitt Smith jersey, and the Eagles fan boos him. The Cowboys fan walks over and starts talking about how he doesn't appreciate being called out, and how he's just here to have a good time with his family, blah blah blah. The guy was just talking a little innocent smack, he never got personal, he never insulted anyone. The Cowboys fan won't hear it, though, he's been offended. People talk trash in sports bars, fella, it's what it happens. The world had to put up with Jimmy Johnson screaming, "HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS!" so you can put up with a little razzing on a Sunday afternoon. Very bush. I now kind of want to root for the Eagles.
At the start of the 4th quarter, all three games I'm watching are compelling. Eagles/Cowboys is close, Indy/Carolina is close, and so is 'Skins/Bucs.
We are getting outstanding service. Watching my baby wait a table is like watching Michelangelo sculpt. The service is almost too good, I feel like I'm taking advantage of her. If she could find a way to make my ice colder, she would. But I know I'll make it up to her later with a soft kiss, a tender caress, and an imaginary sensual massage.
The Eagles fan next to me, who I'm growing a little bit fond of, tells us that he's also a bookie. His dream scenario is for the Eagles to win by one point, so his team wins, and he'll collect some paper. Letting money interfere with the love of his team is a little disappointing, but after the incident with the sad Cowboys fan earlier, I'm willing to let it slide.
The United Way commercial with Chris Sameuls is outstanding. His crying as the little girl reads the end of "Little Women" is better than any of the acting you'll see on Fox this season.
Derrick Brooks takes a Patrick Ramsey interception to the house... and the Redskins/Bucs game is no longer compelling. Warren Sapp not only didn't run through the Redskins warm-up, he also never caught a pass, despite the fact that Ken Dilger was out. Warren is afraid of Lavar Arrington.
It's 3rd and 4, and the old Eagles fan father-of-the-year candidate is calling for a QB sneak. He also yells "GO DUCE!" every time Correll Buckhalter touches the ball. A few minutes later, the Eagles will get a first down on a QB sneak, and he'll complain that they only gained six inches on the play. If I saw this guy trapped under the tire of a Mack truck, I don't think I'd do anything to help him.
There must be 30 Eagles fans in the house today. I have rarely heard this place get as loud as it's getting today.
Correll Buckhalter (Duce, as he's known to Eagles superfans) breaks off a nifty spin move and gets to the house. The Eagles take the lead.
Peyton Manning and the Colts are down 7 with 2:00 to play and the ball deep in their own territory. If I had to choose one quarterback in that situation, I'm either going with Peyton Manning or Steve McNair. Or Vinny Testaverde.
A few minutes later, Peyton Manning finds Reggie Wayne for a touchdown. Overtime.
Fox runs a preview for tonight's baseball game, replaying the clip of Pedro Martinez tossing Don Zimmer. I'm not a baseball fan, but... anything is more enjoyable when old men are being tossed around. A lot of guys might have been afraid to throw an old man with a plate in his head to the ground, but not Pedro. And it's hard to blame him, the crazy old bastard was charging right at him. I wouldn't be mad at Pedro if he tagged him with a right cross. Did Don Zimmer think he was going to beat someone up? I'm not happy that the old man's in the hospital, don't get me wrong, but what was Pedro supposed to do?
The Eagles are down two, with about 1:00 to play. It's tense in the room.
Donovan McNabb coughs it up, and the Eagles go down. It'll be interesting to see how much slack the media cuts him this week.
It's hard not to like this Cowboys team. Young guys who were given no chance to succeed this year are now 4-1 and playing with confidence. Since there are zero other teams in the NFC East that are even remotely likable, and there are almost no ties left to the early-90s Cowboys, it's hard not to wish them well.
Jon Kasay comes on for a 41-yard field goal attempt. Win or lose, the Panthers have proved that they're no joke. The kick is up... and it's good. The Panthers remain undefeated.
The 4 o'clock games are underway, and Tommy Maddox is getting no time from the Steelers offensive line. None whatsoever.
Sammy has brought a bottle of champagne to pop open in the event of a Cubs victory this afternoon. They friendly staff even provided him with a bucket of ice to keep it cold during the game.
It's 7-3 early in the Cardinals/Ravens game, and all 41 people in attendance are getting their money's worth. As sad as the stadium looks, it's hard to blame the people of Arizona for not wanting to sit in 187 degree weather to watch a team with no chance of even sniffing the playoffs.
Once again, there is no Crazy Fish Guy. I hope he's not dead, but you know, if he was... and if his obituary was listed under anything other than "Crazy Fish Guy," I'd have no way of knowing it. It is something of a relief, though, to know that he hasn't been spending Sundays at a cheap motel with my girlfriend.
A newsflash comes on the screen announcing that Boston College is going to be joining the ACC. I'm really glad that BC took five or six minutes to think it over. Now, a whole new group of children are going to be exposed (no pun intended) to Catholics every Saturday in the fall, and that concerns me.
I find myself in the odd position of hoping Larry Centers gets the ball in the Buffalo game. Bye weeks, injuries, and a general lack of depth have led to me starting Larry Centers this week. Larry... Centers.
The Jets, the other team in the league that remains winless, are up 13-3 at the half over Buffalo. The Chargers are about to become the only 0'fer team in the league. They have somehow managed to disappoint me on their bye week.
I can't help but try to sneak a glance or two at the Cubs/Marlins game in the back room. Sammy's an insane Cubs fan. Carl Zamboni hasn't allowed a run in three innings for the Cubs.
An Angry Steelers fan calls Tommy Maddox a "fag." I've got to hand it to Steelers fans, they pay no attention to race when gay-bashing. They will gay-bash damn near anyone, God bless them. The people of Pittsburgh are making tremendous social progress.
Some commercial for an upcoming show on CBS is saying that "no parent should miss it," because a child prodigy violin player is kidnapped. As my own friendly public service reminder, I'd like to advise all parents that they don't have to watch it, because people kidnap prodigy violin players, not your loser kid.
I really don't feel like the Bills are featuring Larry Centers enough in their offense. I don't think they're fully realizing the explosive power of Larry Centers.
I am convinced that 90% of the Steelers considerable offensive problems stem from the offensive line. They can't block anybody, against the pass or against the run. Maddox has no time, he can't throw downfield, and the Steelers can't run.
The Jets are up 27-3, ensuring that the Chargers will be at the bottom of everyone's power rankings, and I will have to listen to every comic genius sportscaster make clever and original jokes about their "perfect season."
Alright, I have discovered the reason why Larry Centers' potential is not being realized in Buffalo. He no longer plays in Buffalo. He is a New England Patriot. Sorry, it just seems like those teams have interchangeable rosters anymore. If the Patriots and Bills completely swapped rosters, really, would anyone outside of New England notice? Still, it's a little embarrassing. If anyone else in the bar is writing a Sunday recap, they're probably mentioning what a jackass I am. I have no excuse.
Mike Lowell hits a 2-run homer for the Marlins. The Cubs are up 3-1 in the series, but these Marlins are proving difficult to reel in. Okay, sorry, I'm new to baseball.
The Pittsburgh/Denver game has been downright ugly. It vaguely reminds me of a game a long time ago, which has stuck with me as the ugliest game I had ever seen. The Chargers led the Raiders 7-6 for about the entire game, until James Jett got loose in the secondary for a game winning TD in the final minute. Right after that game, I attended a viewing for a very distant relative who had just died, and it actually cheered me up a little bit.
The Cardinals sometimes show signs of being an exciting team. They stretch the field and the spread the ball around. Unfortunately, Jeff Blake is very good at finding ways to kill all momentum they develop.
Jerome Bettis scores a 2-point conversion on the cleverly-designed "plop your ass down on Alan Faneca's ankle and ride it into the endzone" play.
Jason Elam kicks a long field goal to end the Steelers/Broncos game. Neither the Steelers or the Broncos looked very good, but at least the Broncos have the excuse of not having their starting quarterback. If the Steelers can find a way to patch up their offensive line, I think most of their problems would go away, at least on the offensive side of the ball, and that would make their problems on the defensive side of the ball seem a little less severe. As it is right now, they're going to find it difficult to even contend for a wild card spot.
The Cubbies lose 4-0, and Sammy's champagne is going to have to be saved for another day. The Cubs are going back to Wrigley, and Mark Prior and Kerry Wood are slated to pitch. I'm told that this is good.
Overall, I'd have to say that the bye week experience wasn't all I expected it to be. 'Tis better to have played and lost than to have never played at all. I missed the Bolts this week. I dunno, when they lose, I can at least feel like I have made an emotional investment in something, that I cared, that I paid attention, that I was moved, one way or the other, even if it results in me crying myself to sleep. I'm looking forward to going home in a state of depression next week.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 12:26 PM 0 comments
Monday, October 06, 2003
| Week 05 - 2003/2004 |
0-4 for the Chargers. I'd ask if it can get worse, but the Ryan Leaf era wasn't that long ago, so I'm pretty fucking sure it can get worse. Tonight, I thought about it and figured that it had been 10 months since a football team that I support has won a meaningful game. Just one win in that time period, and it was against a team that could be beaten by the Keanu Reeves team in The Replacements. And I don't mean his character, the fictional guy, I mean the real Keanu Reeves.
The Steelers were scheduled for a night game, which meant a sparse crowd at the bar today. But that didn't mean it would be uneventful. The early games were Cowboys/Cardinals, Denver/KC, and Atlanta/Minnesota.
It's a smaller crowd this week... just 3 people at our table. We take our seats and the sound in the bar is tuned to the radio, and not the pregame shows, which is terrific because Uncle Kracker is way more important to me than Gameday crew's comments about the Rush Limbaugh situation. Chris remarks that he could write a song just as good as the Uncle Kracker song in under 30 minutes, lyrics included. I think he's wrong... I say 10 minutes, tops.
I'm about to put out an APB on Crazy Fish Guy. The Fish game must've been on local TV, because he wasn't around. I feel like a kid who's dad went out to get cigarettes, and 3 days later, still hasn't returned. My girlfriend isn't around either... I'm becoming convinced that they're enjoying a tryst at a cheap neighborhood hotel. Bad vibe early.
They're speculating on Gameday that the winner of the Denver/KC game is going to win the AFC. It's still the first week in October, right? OK, just checking.
We've got a new waitress this week. I've never seen her here before, but she's really sweet and attentive, and it almost seems like she wants to replace my current girlfriend. You know, the other very sweet waitress who I've managed to convince myself is in love with me. The new girl is tempting me with courteous smiles and quick re-fills... but I will be strong, and remain loyal to my baby, imaginary as she may be.
Donovan McNabb is in a new Visa commercial. It wasn't very good, but I'm sure the media will make it out to be the greatest commercial in the history of network television... they really want to see commercials with black people succeed.
Say, do the Kansas City Chiefs have set plays for their running game, or is it just hand the ball to Priest on the left, or hand the ball to Priest on the right? He's an absolutely brilliant runner. He sees the play develop, and reacts quickly and smoothly.
The highly-anticipated Quincy Carter/Jeff Blake showdown is underway, or as it's called in the Limbaugh household, the "Affirmative Action Bowl." I think there's a vast media conspiracy underway because a black quarterback is touching the ball on virtually every play.
Sebastian Janikowski missed an early extra point against the Bears. The good news is that if he feels too bad about it, he can just pop some e, and feel up the long snapper, and all will be well.
Quincy Carter unloads a nice deep ball to Terry Glenn, who was 10 yards open in all directions. The instant replay shows that Joey Galloway is just as wide open on the other side. Glenn has an... unusual TD dance. I think it's called the "I see the endzone about once every 14 Months" dance. He may hurt himself.
The Cards respond with a quick TD pass. It's an action-packed game early on, and Quincy Carter and Jeff Blake's accomplishments aren't being propped up by the media, but by each other's respective teams.
Tim Duncan apparently kicks for Arizona now. Good to see him finding work in the offseason.
Some genius fan behind me screams, "Oh, you stupid quarterback!" What tremendous analysis. Y'know, if I should someday be blessed with a daughter, that's the kind of thing I'll expect her to say when she turns about 6.
Quincy Carter throws another strike, this one to... I dunno, some anonymous Dallas Cowboy, but that's not really the point. Quincy Carter throws an excellent ball, it reminds me of John Elway's.
I didn't know that big cartoon Cowboys mascot existed... it's a little embarrassing. It looks like the abused nephew of Ole Miss's Rebel mascot guy. I don't know if they're actually related, but if not, they probably attend Mascot Klan meetings together.
If you remember Week 1 when I bitched about Quincy Carter's Breathe Right strip... it has returned. It just looks so ridiculous, and it makes me uncomfortable. Is he going for a Nelly-like fashion statement? It's embarrassing on Nelly (much like everything else about Nelly), and it's worse on Q. I researched it, and the Breathe Right company does in fact make clear ones, which might be more appropriate for a man of his complexion. I've written to them and asked that they send a free case to Quincy Carter. Please do the same: CNS Inc., 20 Troy Road, Whippany, NJ 07981.
Gus Frerotte finds Randy Moss for a deep touchdown. With every TD pass Gus Frerotte throws, Daunte Culpepper's prognosis gets worse. I think he was just downgraded to questionable for the next Vikings game.
He Hate Me takes a kickoff to the house, and he looks like the happiest man in the universe. He's pounding his chest, flailing about, just going buck wild... good for him. I hope he's finding a place where he feels accepted and appreciated. He should put "YOU LOVE ME?" on the back of his jersey for the next home game.
Emmitt Smith is getting housed in the Cardinals game. And now he's leaving with a sprained right shoulder.
Marcell Shipp enters the game... and now he is getting housed.
Micheal Vick's earrings are out of control. Someone stole the Hope Diamond, sawed it in half and stuck the pieces in his ears. If he ever plays in Dallas, they might be confused for the big star at midfield.
Another absolutely brutal Subway commercial. I'm not going to recap it, it involved a grease fire and a burning shed or something, I don't know. I'm about to swear off Subway forever, just because of their commercials... it's that bad. I wish Jared would just take his spot on Hollywood Squares, or some "celebrity" reality show and just stay the fuck away from any TV show that I might consider watching.
Is it wrong for me to want Arrowhead Stadium to burn down? "ARROWHEAD ARSON" would make a great headline, that's all I'm saying. It just rolls off the tongue.
Randy Cross is absolutely fixated on the fact that the Chiefs crowd is late getting back into their seats at halftime. He's very offended. He won't let it go. I can see him in the booth running his hand through his million-dollar mullet.
Johnnie Morton busts out the worm after a touchdown. I haven't seen that move executed since "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo." His technique is flawless. Outstanding work, Johnnie Morton.
The Cowboys record safeties of the Cardinals on back-to-back possessions. How often does that happen?
Last three Cardinals drives: -1 yards, safety. -3 yards, safety. 3 yards, interception. Impressive.
Chris and I get deep into a discussion about punters' facemasks. Gary Anderson and the Cardinals punter both have the 1-bar facemask, and the Cardinals guy even has his bent down around his neck. His face isn't protected at all. Did these guys not see the Ryan Barker incident last year at Thanksgiving? The guy's nose was about where his left shoulder should be. About the same size, too. And they have no desire to protect their faces?
Moe Williams scores an easy TD for the Vikes. The Vikings offense is a well-oiled machine behind Gus Frerotte. Yep... Gus Frerotte. Daunte Culpepper has been downgraded to doubtful.
A commercial for AOL promises to block internet pop-up ads. There's a woman in the background, certain parts of her body being increasingly covered by pop-up ads on the television. They do end up giving a courtesy ass shot before going back to the AOL logo. Tremendous marketing strategy. "Use AOL, get to the titties much faster." Can no one advertise a product anymore without objectifying women?
Dante Hall takes a kick back... he is not human. Has a special teamer ever been the league MVP? Instant replay shows two pretty blatant illegal blocks in the back, but... whatever. It was money.
Up by 1 point with 2:20 to play... Priest Holmes coughs it up.
Fox has a new show this season called "Skin". I suppose it was only a matter of time, really. I can't wait until next season for the series premiere of their hot new show, "Muff".
And the Bears take down the Raiders... I'm thrilled, don't get me wrong, but that's one less winless team. At the end of the day, only two teams will remain winless, and I really don't want the Chargers to be one of them.
Jake Plummer folds in the clutch, and people are acting surprised. I know he's wearing different colors now, but... y'know, he is still Jake Plummer.
The Chargers game is underway, and the Bolts seem determined to make Byron Leftwich's second career start a successful one. You really have to admire their kindness, trying to make things easier on the young rookie. It feels so good to be a Chargers fan right now. We're like the Red Cross of the NFL, finding a way for troubled teams to get victories when they need them the most.
Normally at the sports bar, the Redskins game is on in the back room, and I've always been very supportive of the Redskins fan segregation. Today, they're on in the front room, and I'll be hearing Redskins fans yelling, "GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM!" about 1,827 times over the course of the afternoon. An average of about 114 times on each Donovan McNabb scramble.
Touchdown Jaguars. The Chargers are such a benevolent organization, I feel so much love for them right now.
David Boston catches a pass and drags a Jags defensive back for about 12 yards.
Jimmy Smith, making his return to the line-up from a drug suspension, hauls in the first of what I'm sure will be many receptions today. There is no limit to the generosity of the Chargers.
Donovan McNabb throws a TD pass, clearly due to affirmative action. It was about 4 yards to the fullback, but the press box explodes with joy, and they start telling stories about it, how Donovan McNabb fought through 192 defenders, launched a 98-yard pass and hit a receiver in the chest. They are really desirous that he succeed.
Unfortunately, it was a white guy that caught McNabb's TD pass. The media has been very desirous that a black receiver finally steps up and succeeds in the NFL.
Jimmy Smith hauls in a one-hander that wouldn't have been possible without his extra-long coke nail.
Dre Bly takes an interception away from Terrell Owens, and I hope his offensive coordinator tears into him on the sideline, screaming at him and insulting his mother. Fair is fair.
Donovan McNabb throws an interception. I only mention it here because the media probably won't report it.
For the Bolts, every possible aspect of the game has been terrible, except for David Boston. Still, we trail by only 3 at the half.
Emmitt Smith's postgame comments were... a little sad. He was talking about how his performance didn't matter, about how watching his daughter playing soccer was what it was all about, and if that's how he feels, that's outstanding. Really. But I don't think the Cardinals signed him to a big contract because of his youth-soccer-observing abilities. I don't mean to be too much of a dick, but really, is that fair to his team? Maybe next Sunday, they should all just skip the game and head to Emmitt's girl's soccer game. They might all be happier people.
David Boston and Jimmy Smith are both having huge games, and soon, every team in the league will be stockpiling receivers with past drug histories.
Drew Brees is the best blocking quarterback in the NFL. Unfortunately, he is about the 25th most accurate passer.
The Chargers start the 2nd half with a very nice drive... until fumbling it away inside the Jags 10. They proceed to give up an easy touchdown. On the next possession, David Boston takes a screen pass, runs 10 yards backwards, and decides he doesn't want the football anymore. He just tosses it. Tremendous. What did they do at halftime, chug Nyquil?
By the way, the waitress who wanted to be my girlfriend has ended her shift and is now sitting with some dude. Any chance we had at an imaginary relationship is now GONE, missy. I knew I shouldn't have been tempted by her... the unscrupulous harlot.
Cris Collinsworth comments that the sports world is "far ahead" of the rest of society in terms of race relations. I'd never expect Cris Collinsworth to think about it, but what does that say about where black people are accepted and where they aren't? Sports, music, and... where else? Why is it that way? And does that really count as being ahead?
It's becoming increasingly evident that the Chargers aren't going to win. The defense has tightened up in the 2nd half, but... we can't move the ball. The lead is only 13 with 8 minutes left, but it seems insurmountable. At what point do I pull the plug and go home? Not yet... there is still a bit of faith that hasn't yet been beaten out of me.
Chad Morton of the Redskins is wearing a stars-and-stripes Breathe Right strip, just a little bit less ridiculous than Quincy Carter's.
The Jaguars mascot is bungee jumping from the top of the scoreboard. I hope the cord breaks.
A key 3rd and 4 in the Chargers game, 3 and a half minutes left, Jags have a 6 point lead and the ball. We need it back. 3rd and 4, and...
I DON'T THINK YOU GOT THERE, BITCH.
The referee, however, disagrees with me. According to CBS's yellow line, he was two feet short... and on the measurement, he has it by the entire length of the football. Worst spot in the history of the NFL.
A bit later, it's 3rd and 8 for the Jags, 2:00 left... there's still time for a stop and a score. 3rd and 8, and...
Fred Taylor takes a screen pass to the house.
Plug... pulled.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 12:23 PM 0 comments
