Monday, November 24, 2003
| Week 12 - 2003/2004 |
We get things started today with a table-wide discussion about Michael Jackson, which is always a tremendous way to start your day. Myself, I'm thinking that Michael isn't the kind of guy who's going to do well in prison. Tiny white girls never really give me that impression. Chris remarks that "The King of Pop" would take on a whole new meaning. Sammy asks Blohm, the proud father of a 2-year-old boy, if he can get the youngster a trip to the Neverland Ranch for Christmas. Yeah, I'm surrounded by people who can't get enough prison rape/molestation jokes... I'm guessing that a lot of you will stop reading right now, and hey... I can't blame you. The good news is... there's nowhere to go but up.
The bar is just empty today, and what few people are here are sad and desperate Steelers fans. I get the feeling that it won't be long before most of them become sad, desperate and drunk Steelers fans.
There's also no Crazy Fish Guy and no Danks. It's really just not the same without either of them. Danks is supposedly visiting with family in Maine, but... I've got this nagging picture in my mind of Danks and Crazy Fish Guy alone in a cheap hotel room, Crazy Fish Guy was his hairy hand under Danks' Notre Dame Volleyball t-shirt. Good God. Remember earlier when I said there was nowhere to go but up? Yeah... never mind.
The games on the 1 o'clock menu are Buffalo/Indianapolis, Pittsburgh/Cleveland, and Seattle/Baltimore.
The games start out eerily reminiscent of last week's. I'm not really the kind of guy who needs there to be 70 points in a game to consider it interesting, but Good Lord... someone do something. If you're a fan of punters, this day is for you.
Terrell Suggs makes a play for the Ravens, and Ray Lewis goes after him like he just stole the last cookie from the commissary. Suggs just absorbed more punishment than David Carr takes in an average week, and it was a result of Ray Lewis celebrating.
45 minutes into the three games I'm watching... and I've seen one field goal.
Oh, wait... make that two field goals. All the scoring I've seen today can be attributed to Phil Dawson.
Actually, that last field goal did have a bit of drama attached to it. A Steelers fan snuck an air horn into the Browns stadium, and blew it just as Dawson was kicking. When they came back from commercial, CBS had a close-up of Dawson's face, giving his best, "I'm a scary kicker" look to the guy with the air horn. CBS also caught on camera security personnel taking the air horn away from the guy. Nice work, Steeler fan. I respect that.
Tommy Maddox manages to string together 4 completions in a row. Sammy and I begin chanting, "MVP!"
Y'know, as bad as this Pittsburgh/Cleveland game is right now, I at least know I'll have the Chargers and Bengals to provide some entertainment this afternoon. That's comforting.
The Browns secondary features someone named "Crocker." CBS zooms in and I yell, "FUCK YOU, BETTY." And then I spent the next 3 minutes saying, "You get it? Betty Crocker?" and watching people not laugh. Eh, eat me.
Adding to the scoring explosion are Mike Vanderjagt and Josh Brown. This afternoon has all the excitement of... I dunno, the Pro Bowl if everyone played on quaaludes.
The Steelers recover a fumble in Browns territory, and most Steeler fans in the bar are just imploring the offense not to lose any yards so they can at least kick a field goal. That's what it's come to for Steeler fans.
The Steelers move inside the 10 yard line, and Tommy Maddox is scrambling. He had a chance to run into the endzone, but pulled up and tried to throw a shovel pass into the endzone, but it fell incomplete. At least four people around me yell "PUSSY!" at Tommy Maddox.
Tommy Maddox hits Mark Bruener for a TD on the next play, and as CBS is showing Maddox celebrating, someone goes, "You're still a puss."
Terrell Suggs makes another play for the Ravens, and again, Ray Lewis assaults him. If I was Suggs, I'd stop making tackles.
I'm getting more than little tired of this commercial for the NFL Network that wants us all to believe that Rich Eisen is the coolest human being alive. This happens to every SportsCenter anchor at some point. They come up with some catchphrases, say some mildly amusing things, gather some popularity, and eventually begin think they're the coolest people on the planet, and end up annoying the hell out of everyone. I'm not saying the job is easy, but... you're a SportsCenter anchor. Stop acting like you've cured cancer or made some long-lasting positive contribution to humanity. It happened to Dan Patrick, it happened to Stuart Scott, and now Rich Eisen apparently believes that he is worthy of praise and adulation.
CBS shows a clip of their pregame show in which Deion said he could take off his suit right now and cover Keyshawn Johnson. Ouch. That's harsh, but you know... I've got no reason to doubt him. Deion retired because he was getting torched by guys like Marvin Harrison, but Keyshawn, of course, is nowhere near being in Marvin Harrison's league. If a Keyshawn/Deion one-on-one competition was on pay-per-view, I've got to admit... I'd be tempted.
The Browns give the ball to James Jackson at the goal line, and Kendrell Bell just jumps over the pile and throws a forearm at his head, keeping him out of the endzone. That was beautiful. He looked like former Intercontinental Champion Tito Santana coming off the ropes.
Koren Robinson scores a touchdown for the Seahawks, and busts out the sprinkler. Not bad, Koren. The Seahawks, by the way, have officially put an end to today's scoring drought.
There is one lone loud Buffalo fan in the bar, and I've dubbed him "Mr. Buffalo." I'm not quite sure how to explain it, but... he just looks like the city of Buffalo. He's a large man, with curly sloppy hair, a plain white t-shirt, he's loud and abrasive, and the only things in the world that are important to him are football and chicken wings. I'm with him. Go Bills.
The Steelers intercept a Browns pass in the endzone, and the bar gets suddenly loud. I've never seen so many people care so much about a team that's so bad.
#64 for the Colts... I don't know who he is or what position he plays, but he's large, white, wearing #64, and rumbling down the field with the ball. A defender comes up on him to make a play, and #64 gives him a little shoulder shimmy. It was pretty impressive. I mean, the man never actually changed directions, of course but for a minute there, it looked like he might've considered it.
Marcus Robinson has risen from the dead and made an appearance in the Ravens game... I think that might actually be his second touchdown. Where the hell did he come from? Do they have Ickey Woods stashed on the sidelines somewhere, too?
CBS has a great Edgerrin James stat... he's gained more career yards in the fourth quarter than he has in any other quarter. That's pretty impressive. And just after they show the stat, he's tearing through Bills defenders en route to the endzone. Guys were just bouncing off of him. He was sending men in the other direction like Barbara Bush in a bikini.
CBS is really going heavy on the Survivor commercials and promos today. Apparently, the worst deception ever has taken place, and someone has lost immunity. Good. I hope he gets a disease. I thought deception was the point... what could the person have done that was so bad? Did he slip a roofie to the host guy and forcefully sodomize him? I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me exactly what Survivor has to do with reality. It's every bit as real as Hollywood Squares or Celebrity Jeopardy.
Bobby Engram scores a touchdown for the Seahawks, and he too busts out the sprinkler. What's going on there? And why does anyone in Seattle even know what the fuck a sprinkler looks like? Do they not get enough water?
60 Minutes tonight, apparently, is all about porn, and how more people watch porn than watch sports. Man, that's a lot of porn. The CBS people are calling it "adult entertainment" during the commercials, which is too bad, because for some reason, the idea of hearing Greg Gumbel say the word "porno" strikes me as funny.
My buddy AJ is also wondering about CBS's choice of words. "I don't know why they call it adult entertainment; it was entertaining when I was a child, too."
The Browns are trying to put together a drive to tie the Steelers, and Chad Scott makes an interception, the first good play he's made since his junior year of high school.
Down 10 with 4:00 to play, the Ravens are working on an absurd comeback. Ray Lewis forces a fumble, and they get the ball back.
After a day of Marcus Robinson making catches, Frank Sanders comes up with a big play for Baltimore. Sammy asks, "Who ARE these people?"
The Chargers/Bengals game is going to be on the TV that the Ravens/Seahawks game is currently occupying, but that's OK... because all Seattle has to do is stop Baltimore from converting his 4th and 28.
Anthony Wright tosses up a prayer. Sammy yells in mid-flight, "KNOCK IT DOWN!" The defender fails to do so. Dammit man, don't you ever watch Primetime? JUST KNOCK IT DOWN. 1st down Ravens.
And touchdown Ravens. They're down 3. The Chargers game has already started. I've got a bad feeling about this.
The Seahawks, with two tries to gain less than a yard, can't get a 1st down to end the fucking game. I am upset to the point of taking the Lord's name in vain because I'm anxious to see a 2-8 team that's already down 7 points. It may be time for therapy.
The Ravens regain possession, toss a long pass, get an interference call, and kick the field goal. Overtime. It'll be at least 5 o'clock before the Bolts come on. By the way, it's 14-0 Bengals.
Atlanta has jumped out to a 21-0 lead over the Titans.
It is now 5 o'clock... and still no Bolts. I am apparently the only person here that's of the opinion that the Chargers game is the most important game of the afternoon.
Some assface fantasy fan in a Redskins jersey walks in from the bowling alley and takes a look at the TVs, and we have the following exchange:
Dick: Hey, what's Shaun Alexander doing in this game?
Me: Torturing me.
Dick: What?
Me: I don't know, he doesn't have any touchdowns.
And the Ravens mercifully end it. Although, you know, that didn't work out too well for Steelers fans. They'd have been just one game back in the division had Baltimore not put together a string of miracle plays there.
A waitress is sitting on a barstool near me, with her back turned towards me, wrapping silverware or something. A good two inches of an aquamarine thong is exposed. I've gotta tell ya, this whole thong craze is missing me. It's not sexy, and it can't be comfortable. I mean, what's attractive about a girl with fabric shoved forcefully into her asscrack?
Early in the Chiefs/Raiders game, they show the clip of Trent Green (when he was a Ram) taking the hit from Rodney Harrison (when he was a Charger) that made him miss the entire '99 season. I know what's coming, and I'm actively cheering for Rodney to get there in slow-motion and hurt him. And when Trent does go down, I'm laughing very loud and calling Trent Green a sissy. The Chiefs fan in front of me doesn't look amused.
One of the long-suffering Bengals superfans from last week is back (yes, just one of them), and he hears me rooting for the Chargers, and appears interested in starting up a little friendly rivalry with me. He tells me he's a Bengals fan, and he "hasn't been able to say that in 13 years." I hate this man.
AJ says he's leaving at halftime of the Chargers game. I ask him where he has to go, and he says, "I'm running out of cigarettes, man." I think he's still mad at me for making fun of his "early start" musings last week. Good. I hope he cries.
Chargers DB Sammy Davis bites hard a Chad Johnson fake, and is just embarrassed as Johnson walks by him to the endzone. Davis never got within three yards of him. That's what it should look like if I tried to D up Chad Johnson. Sammy Davis was just made to look like a preschooler.
The Bolts are down 28-13 at the half. The defense is playing pretty well, other than the fact that we can't stop them on the ground, or in the air. We have effectively halted their sea attack, however.
CBS shows Chad Johnson talking with Sammy Davis during a timeout. I'm imagining that conversation went something like:
CJ: So... what's it feel like to be my bitch?
Davis: *sniffle*
Back from the half, CBS has high school pictures of Marty Schottenheimer and Marvin Lewis, who apparently went to the same school. Marvin Lewis had a monstrous 'fro in high school. It was high quality. How the hell he fit that thing under a football helmet is a miracle. Unsolved Mysteries should dedicate a show to it.
And in the second half, Chad Johnson and Jon Kitna continue to put up Sega Genesis numbers against the Bolts.
Sweet, my girlfriend is here. Working the late shift, it seems. And she's... she's got her arm around some dude, and someone's taking their picture with a cell phone. I convince myself that she's just being friendly to a customer, slap myself in the forehead a few times, and turn my head.
It's now 31-13 Bengals. The 2nd half has not started as I planned. Oh, and I think my kidneys are failing.
And now my girlfriend is walking around the bar, still making physical contact with this guy and smiling. This is going way beyond the normal duties of a waitress. I'm really considering breaking things off with her. There are plenty of women out there who have more to offer me in an imaginary relationship.
The words "CHARLENE YOU ARE THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE WILL YOU MARRY ME" appear on the JumboTron at Qualcomm Stadium. I'm considering that sweet and romantic gesture, and looking at my girlfriend and thinking to myself, "That could've been you someday, baby. But now that ship has SAILED, SWEETHEART."
Both the Tennessee/Atlanta and KC/Oakland games are far more competitive and meaningful, but my eyes refuse to leave the continued maiming of the Chargers. At this point, I'm entertaining notions of a comeback. It's amazing how logic manages to evacuate my mind at about this point every Sunday.
Sebastian Janikowski is wearing a baggy sweatshirt under his jersey, a big puffy handwarmer, and way too many pads for a kicker. I'm not buying it. I think he's got at least a couple kilos stashed on his body.
The Chargers are down by 11 with 10 minutes to play... I'm feeling some Flutie magic.
Phillip Buchanon, genius and Raiders DB, commits a huge penalty by taking his helmet off on the field. Why is it always the Chiefs that benefit from this sort of thing?
The Bengals throw deep to Chad Johnson in the endzone, and... in a bit of an upset, Sammy Davis manages not to completely screw the pooch. He actually made a pretty sweet play. And Chad Johnson congratulated him on it. That was awesome, all the way around. The 'Gals settle for a field goal. All we need are two touchdowns, baby. MJD believes.
I get a look at Michael Vick's giant diamond earrings on the sidelines of the Falcons game. And they weren't on TV, I could actually see them from here.
I love it when Greg Gumbel and Phil Simms talk about Rich Gannon's injury, mainly because when they say "torn labrum," I pretend that "labrum" is the plural form of "labia."
Touchdown Bolts. David Boston got loose for a touchdown with about 3:00 to play. We have all three timeouts, and just need a quick stop. MJD BELIEVES.
The Chiefs are about to attempt a game-winning field goal... and it's good. Sorry, Raiders. I think I just saw Sebastian Janikowski offer Bill Callahan some E.
3rd and 2 for the Bengals... come on defense. MJD BELIEVES.
1st down Bengals. MJD no longer believes.
Ooooh, and an idiot Bengals RB goes out of bounds and stops the clock. 3rd and 5, with 2:25 to play. MJD BELIEVES AGAIN.
1st down Bengals. And MJD no longer believes. MJD frowns. And MJD is going home.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 2:19 PM 0 comments
Monday, November 17, 2003
| Week 11 - 2003/2004 |
Crazy Fish Guy and I are getting damn near intimate. For the second week in a row, he spots me and launches an ambush before I'm prepared. We're going over some of his bets, and I think he's bet every damn game being played. He put some lumber on the Bolts again. He took Jacksonville to beat the 11-point spread. He took the Rams. I can't remember what else, but I got every detail. It's like he doesn't talk to anyone all week, and just saves it all up for me... he was talking about stopping and getting gas last night, I don't know what the hell he was talking about, but I am wondering what kind of car he drives. I can't help but think it's a van. With kids in the back. That aren't his.
I should apologize. Sorry, Crazy Fish Guy.
CBS is reporting that four NFL players tested positive for THG, and surprisingly... they were all Raiders. I am aghast. How very un-Raiderlike. Bill Romanowski, using a steroid? For the love of all things holy, say it isn't so. Barrett Robbins, substance abusing? You have got to be kidding me. I just don't believe it... I won't believe it. They've been framed, I tell you.
Say, how much THG does it take to get to 3-7?
Heidi Klum is making an appearance on CBS's pregame show, and I can't hear the audio, but it looks like both Boomer and Deion are trying to run game on her. I imagine the dialogue is going something like this:
Deion: Heidi, I want to have sex with you.
Boomer: Heidi, I also want to have sex with you.
Deion: I want to have sex with you way worse than Boomer does. I also have a much better chance of making this happen.
Boomer: Please, please, please have sex with me.
Odds of Deion being the next head coach of the Falcons, about 12-1. Odds of Deion banging Heidi Klum, about... 5-3.
ESPN has a nice little feature about Emmitt Smith's relationship with Marcel Shipp. Emmitt does everything in his power to help Shipp, in fact, he does everything in his power to help out all the Cardinals. Michael Irvin wanted to do an interview with Emmitt, but Emmitt made him sit down with Anquan Boldin first and tell him every thing he knows about receiving. That's pretty manly. Emmitt says he tried to do the same thing in Dallas, but Troy Hambrick just wouldn't have it.
Most of the other early game conversation surrounds the injustice in the new college football rankings. How is it that previously-16th ranked Pitt takes a 52-31 ass-pounding at the hands of WVU, and WVU can't crack the top-25. Meanwhile, Kansas State beats the previously 15th-ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers, and jumps all the way to 18th. College football has all the integrity of a backwoods Maryland cockfighting league.
My buddy Jim walks in... looking a little bit rough. His hair is disheveled, he's in yesterday's clothes (which endured a 3-hour train ride, 8 hours at a drunken rowdy football game, and a few more hours surrounding some drunken rowdy bonfires), and I refuse to get close enough to him to smell him. Jim is a wreck, but you know... he's here. I'm damn proud.
The early games on the menu are Kansas City/Cincinnati, Washington/Carolina, and Miami/Baltimore.
My baby is working the early shift today. She's not waiting our table, but we do make incidental contact as she reaches over me for the salt shaker. To my friends, I will later describe this encounter as "sex."
I don't have any particular strong feelings about the Panthers or the Redskins, but something makes me want to see Stephen Davis run for about 230 yards, punch Steve Spurrier in the stomach, and drop a brick on his face.
Corey Dillon gets a carry in the Bengals/Chiefs game, it goes for about 8 yards, and he celebrates like he was just traded to Dallas. I've never seen a guy so happy to be getting a carry. Enjoy it, CD, it's probably your last one as a Bengal. By the way, you've been replaced by someone that shares a name with Cliff Huxtable's cutest daughter. Live with that, girlie man.
Someone got a little too close to the sideline microphone in the Skins/Panthers game while screaming the word "cocksucker." These kinds of things... just make me a happier person.
Jim, shockingly, has forgotten his wallet.
Hey, Patrick Ramsey was sacked. That Redskins offensive line might not be as good as everyone is making it out to be.
A disturbing development... there's a small contingent of Cincinnati Bengals fans in the house this week. It would be fine, but... I've never seen any of them in here before in my life. Actually, it's probably more likely that I had seen them before, but they were wearing Colts jerseys or something. These guys all end up sitting close together, trying to convince each other and themselves that they're long-suffering, die-hard Bengals fans. I'm not buying it. I've been here sitting through every single fucking game of a 1-15 Chargers season, and I only see these pussies when the Bengals are .500 and getting massive media attention. These people are an affront to real fans of bad teams everywhere. I suddenly hate the Bengals. I wish some real Bengals fan would come in here and just pound the fuck out of these people. They're embarassing.
My buddy Elissa (who's a woman, but if I'd feel like I was treating her differently because of her gender if I called her anything other than the 'buddy' by which I refer to everyone else... although I thought about just going with 'bitch') has Mushin Muhammad on her fantasy bench, but refuses to be happy for him having a monster day. I always root for my bench players, I feel like an owner needs to show his/her players that they're loved... Elissa refuses, so I start grossly overreacting every time Mushin catches a pass. I am currently the loudest fan in the bar, rooting for a player I don't like, on a team I don't like, and on a fantasy team that I don't like. I wish I was drunk.
Danks reveals that he's seen the Paris Hilton sex video... despite the fact that you probably don't know the guy, I think you'll agree that the image of Danks sitting on a couch in a Notre Dame volleyball t-shirt watching the Paris Hilton sex video is... kinda sad. In case any of you were interested in his review, he says it's worth watching, just for the educational value. Y'know... where would the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord be without Danks? I'm nominating Danks right now for SAS MVP... the nominees are Danks, my girlfriend, and Crazy Fish Guy. Perhaps we'll vote at the end of the regular season.
Patrick Ramsey goes down in a heap again, and some Panther has his hand firmly on Ramsey's ass... and it's going deeper and moving south as they cut away. Ramsey was slow to get up from the pile... and I'm not saying anything, I'm just saying... the guy seemed to enjoy being where he was.
It's 2:05 in the afternoon... and there has yet to be a touchdown scored in any game that I'm watching.
The Bears are somehow up 14-3 on the Rams... and the Falcons are up 17-3 on the Saints. The Bills have 5 points. Odd.
The Bengals are owning the time of possession against the Chiefs. One of the douchefuck Bengals fans says, "I've been a Bengals fan since Joe Montana!" What the hell does that mean? Since Joe Montana what? Beat your ass in the super bowl? Was born? Retired? Was in that legendary skit on Saturday Night Live?
At 2:43 in the afternoon... we've got a touchdown. Jake Delhomme has scored for the Panthers. 2:43 on a Sunday, and I've seen one damn touchdown.
I see a commercial for some diamond ring company or something, where a guy gives a girl a diamond, and they live happily ever after. It reminds me that I need to do some Christmas shopping, and I decide on a new gift policy... I'm not buying any gifts for any non-related females that won't be having sex with me. My buddy Chris recommends that I write on the card, "Do not open unless you plan on having sex with MJD."
I don't know who wears #59 for the Chiefs, but he just got flattened by a Jon Kitna stiff-arm. I don't imagine that one's going on his personal highlight reel. Stiff-armed by Jon Kitna... wow. That would be like losing to Kid Rock on Celebrity Jeopardy.
We have another touchdown... Jeremi Johnson of the Bengals continues the offensive explosion.
One of the Bengals superfans is singing along with a Ford truck commercial starring... I dunno, someone with a large belt buckle and a mullet. A few hours ago, I was hoping the Bengals pulled off the upset. Now, I hope they lose out. Dirty bastards.
Chad Johnson of the Bengals looks like 50 Cent.
Warren Sapp arrives at Raymond James stadium wearing a Kevin McHale jersey, which just makes no sense to me. Warren Sapp and Kevin McHale have about as much in common as do Terrell Owens and Bob Cousy. Seeing him in that jersey is just offensive, and I even hate the Celtics. Kevin McHale? All ability, no hype, business-like. Efficient, cool, effective. Warren Sapp? Loud, ignorant, has made a living off of hype and media attention, has a need to call attention to himself. Chris says he hopes Kevin McHale calls him and tells him to stop wearing his jersey.
The Dolphins should be embarrassed... an Anthony Wright-led team is taking them to overtime. At home, no less. If they do end up winning, they should refuse the victory.
Fox shows a girl in the crowd of the Panthers game, about six years old, face painted like a Panther, cute little whiskers and everything. Someone at our table (though I can't tell you who), just out of sheer boredom, screams, "whore!"
Okay, it was me. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me today.
The Dolphins get the W, and Crazy Fish Guy looks over to a couple of Ravens fans, and issues a sincere apology. You've just got to love that about Crazy Fish Guy.
CBS shows a commercial for some show, one of the ones where a 110-pound blonde girl with d-cup hooters is an international spy, lawyer, detective, congresswoman and forensics expert, and she saves the world every week... and they flash the words "HATE CRIMES" and "GAY BASHING" up on the screen in huge letters, as if they are the attraction to the show. "Wanna see gay people beaten up? Tune into CBS this week!" And then the hooker superhero ends up beating up the bad guys, so on one has to feel bad about watching the damn show in the first place... that's just quality entertainment.
The Bengals put away the W against the Chiefs, and the Jaguars lose by 7 to the Titans. That was a nice little string for Crazy Fish Guy. In a string of about 15 minutes, the Fish won, Jacksonville beat the spread, and the Dolphins remain the only unbeaten team of all-time. Congrats, Crazy Fish Guy.
The Chargers game comes on just in time to see Clitoris Portis stopped on a 4th and inches in San Diego territory.
Four minutes into the first quarter, however, the Bolts have gained one offensive yard. As it would later turn out, it would've been nice if they could've kept up this torrid pace all day.
I had forgotten about the Chad Clifton/Warren Sapp matchup this week. I ask around the table... "So, if Warren Sapp gets paralyzed by Chad Clifton today, do I have to feel bad?" The consensus is a resounding no, which is good, because I wouldn't have felt bad anyway. Sapp, by the way, according to Pam Oliver, said that he didn't feel bad, partially because it was just Chad Clifton, and not someone who was playing for an offensive record or something. That's lovely, Warren... Chad Clifton isn't making headlines, so his health is worth less than that of someone else. What a fuckhead.
Joe Buck, doing the Bucs/Packers game, is talking about the struggling Tampa Bay offense. He says that the Bucs are really good at the two-minute offense, and asks, seriously, why they just don't start the game in the 2-minute offense. How is this toolbox allowed anywhere near an NFL broadcast... someone that would ask that question in a bar, I would make fun of... Fox made him their #1 announcer. Tremendous.
New Orleans, after trailing 20-3 against the Falcons, comes back to win. Very nice meltdown, Falcons. Coach Deion would never let this sort of thing happen.
Donnie Edwards, when a play is clearly dead, reaches down and tries to rip the ball out of some Bronco's hands as he's laying there on his back after the whistle. Despite the 2-8 record, I do admire the Bolts willingness to attempt to cheat.
It's already 13-0 Broncos... Chris is falling asleep in his chair. He leaves. He's a woman. I tell him that he's acting very vaginal, and he can't understand what I'm saying. I'm forced to repeat myself like four times, until I just end up screaming the word "VAGINAL!" at the top of my lungs. I'd be embarrassed if that sort of thing didn't pale in comparison to some of my previous behavior.
Shannon Sharpe scores a touchdown for the Broncos, and is celebrating with their little horsie mascot. They're dancing together, I don't know what's going on. Thankfully, Sharpe kept his helmet on, otherwise, I don't know if I'd have been able to tell the two apart.
The Packers running game is making the Bucs defense look like Girl Scout Troop #82. There are massive holes for Ahman Green to run through. I think he's getting like 8 yards a carry at this point. The Pitt Panthers might be able to establish a running game against the Bucs.
20-0 Broncos... and in the 2nd quarter, the Chargers have gained less than 20 yards. It feels like 20 years ago that the Chargers beat the Vikings down.
Speaking of the Vikings, they're losing to Oakland at the moment, which is something I really don't want to happen. Not only does it cheapen the Bolts win over the Vikes, but... well, it's a Raider W. I suppose from here on out, I can just chalk up any Raider win to heavy steroid use, but still... it's more fun when they lose.
The ass-pounding of the Chargers continues, and I begin to daydream about the Bolts drafting Larry Fitzgerald. Just then, the Chargers force a turnover, and I feel like this is a good chance for them to get back in the mix. And then they turn it back over on the very next play. LAR-RY, LAR-RY, LAR-RY!
Nearing the half, Doug Flutie is 3-for-12 for 15 yards, and 1 INT. The Flutie magic this week is serving to make a good quarterback disappear, apparently. I suppose I should've known better than to expect that kind of performance two weeks in a row from a 41-year-old little person, but... eh, delusional optimism is something of a specialty of mine.
Quentin Jammer grabs Clitoris Portis's facemask, and attempts to remove his head from his shoulders. It's a 15-yard penalty, but... it's clear that we aren't going to win, and, truth be told... I don't really mind. Do it again.
At the half, it's 27-0 Denver, in case you were wondering about the carnage.
Watching some stats scroll across the bottom of the screen, I see that Kurt Kittner had an 80 yard, 2 INT day, and I'm thinking that Doug Flutie is going to have to have a great second half to get to those numbers.
If the Bolts don't come out and improve in the 3rd quarter... I'm not sticking around for the 4th.
I'm watching a little bit of the Colts/Jets game while the wholesale murder of the Chargers is at the half, and... you know, I wish that whole lawsuit against Peyton Manning had never happened. It forced an image of Peyton's pasty white ass cheeks into my mind, and the image is so disturbing that I just can't get it out of my mind. It reminds me of the time when I was about 8 and saw a Friday the 13th movie for the first time... It terrified me, and I just couldn't get it out of my head. It's happening all over again, but it's not a murderer in a goalie mask, it's a doughy pale ass.
I apologize for sharing that with you.
The 2nd half is underway, and it's clear... the Chargers are not going to be better.
Sammy Davis, Charger rookie corner... is called for a taunting penalty, down 27-0. I don't mind at all... at this point, it's hard to imagine any sort of behavior from a Chargers player that would upset me. Fuck it, let's go for someone's knees.
Shannon Sharpe rings up his 3rd TD of the day... and it's 34-0 Broncos. I'd say that we look like a high school team, but... I'm not sure if we're that good today. Shannon Sharpe hasn't had a 3 TD day since 1996. That one, too, came courtesy of the Chargers.
It's times like these that bring out the great philosopher in all of us. My buddy AJ starts talking about the false start penalty, and how the start is just early, it's not really false. He did, in fact, start... he just did it before he was supposed to. AJ theorizes that it should be called an "early start." Am I sitting next to Joe Buck all the sudden? I'm just... silently staring around the room. How do you react to that sort of thing? I end up just bursting into laughter and telling him that he's right, it should be called an early start.
I can't believe I'm doing this... but I just looked up "false" in the dictionary. Two of the ten given definitions include, "arising from mistaken ideas," and "unwise; imprudent." So there. If the offensive lineman started on the mistaken idea that the snap count was on two, instead of three, his start was false. It was also unwise and imprudent, so again, it could be said to be false.
I just spent like 10 minutes doing that. Fuck you, AJ.
The third quarter ends. The Chargers have one first down. Three quarters. Forty-five minutes of play. And one time, we were able to gain 10 yards. Marty Schottenheimer is turning over in his grave.
You know what... fuck it, I'm leaving. If the Chargers end up adding a late TD, I'll just end up making fun of them for it, and I don't want to do that. It also doesn't look like Warren Sapp is going to be seriously injured, and really, that's the only reason I'd care about the Bucs/Packers game... and if I look at Peyton Manning anymore, I'll need therapy. I'm out.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 2:16 PM 1 comments
Monday, November 10, 2003
| Week 10 - 2003/2004 |
We've got a rookie waitress this week, and so far, she's on top of her game. Friendly and attentive, but not overbearing. She has been made aware of our presence, and she was given the nod. You know how in baseball, you save your best pitchers for the toughest games? I think that's what's happening here. They've brought in a ringer.
I'm sitting there by myself, waiting for my boys to get there, and here comes Crazy Fish Guy. You know the love I have for Crazy Fish Guy, but I'm alone. I've got no cover. And Crazy Fish Guy is all up in my grill.
He whips out his gambling sheet, whatever the thing is called, and we talk a little gambling. He refused to put money on the Cheifs/Browns game because it was something he called a "set-up" game, and he goes into detail about how bookies always do that, and I don't know what the hell he's talking about. I'm nodding and agreeing. There's not much else I can do. If he told me he was going to sell his house, get an "I Love Dave Wannsteadt" tattoo, and move to Miami to be closer to him, I'd just nod and look back at the TV. I'm more than a little uncomfortable, but I do know this: I hope the Browns win so I can write later about the prescience of Crazy Fish Guy.
10 minutes later... it's still just me and Crazy Fish Guy. They're talking to Jerome Bettis on Gameday, and he says, "The Bus got flattened!" Yes, Crazy Fish Guy... the Bus got flattened.
Gameday's got a feature coming up about Dick Vermeil... and it looks like he's going to cry. They're calling it a very "special" segment, but I don't know what's so special about Dick Vermeil crying. It's more of a surprise when he doesn't cry during a press conference.
Crazy Fish Guy's sandwich arrives. I get a bit of a reprieve.
Someone on Gameday points out that none of last year's division winners are currently in first place. That's ridiculous. How does that happen?
Gameday has a little music video recap of the season thus far, set to a new version of Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive," and I have to admit... it was money. It's like that song was written for the sole purpose of retrospective sports recap videos.
My buddy AJ walks in, and he's got his French book with him. He's got a little homework to do this afternoon. Our new waitress, as it turns out... is also a French teacher. It's like the woman has been born to wait on this particular table on this particular day. I feel like tipping her every time she comes to the table... She is SuperWaitress. She should have an S on her chest.
ESPN has a microphone on Ray Lewis from a game earlier this year, and the way he leads and motivates and cares for his teammates is just impressive. I really wish I didn't hate him. If he was a Charger, I'd probably worship the man, but... he's a Raven, and therefore, a douchebag.
This Dick Vermeil/Trent Green feature... I'm glad they're close and all, but come on, that's getting a little bit... weird. Their relationship, to me, seems very similar to that of a Boy Scout and an overly affectionate Scoutmaster. It's just... well, it's very intimate. That's all I'm saying.
It's almost 1 o'clock, and the place is nearly empty. It feels a little odd.
The games on the TVs are Miami/Tennessee, Pittsburgh/Arizona, and Cleveland/Kansas City. We're sitting next to a disgruntled Steelers fan who was in Pittsburgh this morning, but actually gave away his tickets.
The Browns are getting a lot of pressure to Trent Green early. So much, in fact, that Trent Green just threw the ball to an offensive lineman. On purpose.
The Steelers have thus far been embarrassing. Jeff Reed just missed a very short field goal. Going away to commercial break, the commentator says, "Well, you know what they say about chip shots..." Actually, I have no idea what they say about chip shots. Does anyone know what they say about chip shots?
I just searched on Google for "what they say about chip shots," and it came back with 0 results.
The Pittsburgh/Arizona game lacks anything resembling any kind of entertainment value. If I was at home, and they only two things on TV were this game, and a documentary about a Clint Eastwood urology exam... well, I'd have a decision to make.
The Titans are just having their way with the Dolphins. It's 14-0, and Steve McNair is just not stoppable. Anyone who would seriously vote for Dante Hall over Steve McNair for MVP needs to check themselves into a room next to Rush Limbaugh's. Dante Hall has 4 return TDs on the year, and one receiving TD. That's about a TD every other game. If the Titans were without Steve McNair, would it hurt them by more than a TD every other game?
I try not to mention my fantasy football team too often in the Smorgasbord, because I know you don't care, but I do want to mention that I started the Dolphins defense this week, and also gave Chad Pennington the nod over Steve McNair, because I figured the Dolphins D would at least be able to slow him a bit. Not so. He is torching the highly-flammable Fish D, and I feel like Crazy Fish Guy is to blame. He's watching his team take it in the jaw, and is just sitting there with a goofy half-smile on his face, clutching his gambling sheet. God bless him.
I think the Dolphins uniforms were specifically designed for people with dark skin. The color combination of white, aqua, and pasty Caucasian just doesn't work. They should have a tanning bed in the trainer's room.
Emmitt Smith is on the sidelines for the Cardinals with a massive wad of chewing tobacco in his mouth. I guess that's what spending so much time in Texas will do to a guy.
Jay Fielder's ears... are massive. I don't think I've ever seen ears that big. They're like David Boston's pipes, or Dolly Parton's jugs. They just don't make anatomical sense. If he catches a strong breeze from behind, he could take flight.
I don't know if it's a local commercial or a national commercial, but the brand name "Uncle Charley's Sausage" is just a little bit creepy. Maybe it's just me, but I think Uncle Charley needs to keep his sausage to himself. That's just not right.
A commercial for a new movie features the line, "YOUR FATHER IS IN THE 14TH CENTURY!" Yeah, sounds like a classic. I didn't note the name of it because I'd feel bad if I actually made more people aware of the film.
The commentator in the Steelers/Cards game keeps emphasizing the second syllable of Plaxico Burress's last name. Plaxico BurESS, he says. What, is he French all the sudden? A distant relative of Tony Parker, perhaps? How does an NFL commentator not know the proper pronunciation of Plax's name... if he was mispronouncing Chris Doering, I could understand, the Plax caught 100 balls last year. That's embarrassing.
I've seen it dozens of times now, but the Pioneer Pure Vision commercial, with the blatant ass shot of the girl surfing as they cut out the TV screen around her... y'know, Pioneer, people know what you're doing. It's not subtle.
Every time someone punts in the Steelers/Cards game, the now legendary commentator says they're "going for the corner." Josh Miller gets off a punt, the guy says he's going for the corner, and it lands squarely between the hash marks.
Jason Gildon becomes the Steelers all-time sack leader, and the commentator says, "Congratulations, brother!" I'd just like point out that I'm pretty sure he is neither related to Jason Gildon, or black.
Johnnie Morton's worm... that's the best touchdown celebration in the game. I hope Dick Vermeil talks about how cool it is in his post-game press conference and starts crying.
Tim Duncan of the Cardinals misses an extra point by about 6 yards. He's really not the same without David Robinson around.
The commentator in the Steelers/Cards game (I wish there was an easy way to abbreviate that), just called Antwan Randle-El "Antwan Randle-Bell." He also keeps calling James Farrior "James Furrier." Apparently, Chingy is calling the Steelers game today.
CBS switches the Dolphins/Titans massacre to the end of the Indy/Jacksonville game. Fred Taylor scores to give Jacksonville the lead with about a minute to go. Peyton Manning has time to lead a touchdown drive, but... once again, throws a pick with the game on the line.
The Cardinals pick up a late cheap touchdown, and Crazy Fish Guy erupts with excitement. He bet the over. "That was a big one," he says. Indeed.
The 4 o'clock games are about to start, including the Chargers/Vikings game, and everyone I'm sitting with has a serious anti-Chargers fantasy football interest. I've got a Culpepper owner, a Moss owner, and someone playing against LaDainian Tomlinson. I could lose some friends today.
Crazy Fish Guy leans over and lets me know that he feels good about the Chargers. So good, in fact, that he has put some lumber down on them. You are the fucking man, Crazy Fish Guy.
The Chargers are leading 7-0 before they have the game on. I'm not sure, but I think I might have just touched Crazy Fish Guy.
It's now 14-0 Chargers. Holy fuck.
Quincy Carter is back to wearing a Caucasian Breathe Right strip. I give up, Quincy. Some people just do not want to be helped. Whatever. Nice stripe across your nose, pussy.
The three games on right now are Chargers/Vikings, Bills/Cowboys, and Jets/Raiders. My buddy Chris and I have the following exchange:
Chris: So... you're lined up across from Barrett Robbins.
Me: I'd have some AA brochures tucked in my sock, and hand them to him.
Chris: Would you go there?
Me: Oh, I'd go there.
Someone for the Raiders just attempted to tackle Santana Moss, and ended up just throwing him towards the endzone.
Jimmy Kleinsasser... might be the ugliest man in the NFL. Other candidates we come up with are Jeremy Shockey, Bruce Smith, and the clear winner, Edgerrin James.
It's 21-7, Chargers... I'm not shocked, but the speed and efficiency with which the offense is moving... well, it's something I'm not accustomed to seeing. Doug Flutie has been brilliant thus far. If he were here, sitting next to me... I would do anything the man asked of me. I'm getting a little bit scared thinking about where I would, or perhaps more accurately, would not, draw the line with Doug Flutie.
The Vikings score an imaginary touchdown. A guy catches the ball in the endzone, and it doesn't look like there's any way his feet were inbounds. Marty calls for a review. Ed Hochuli, who is probably an ass, says that the guy had his first foot down, "as the ball was on his fingertips." I guess the ball touching someone's fingertips counts as possession now. Nothing kills momentum like injustice. That was criminal.
I'm adding Ed Hochuli to my list of people that I want to fight.
Antonio Gates, former Kent State NCAA basketball hero, gets in the endzone for the Chargers. I love Antonio Gates, and I'm hoping that his future emergence is what will keep the Chargers from drafting Kellen Winslow Jr.
The Jets are down at the half to the Raiders. If I'm Herman Edwards, my halftime speech begins and ends with "You're about to lose to RICK... FUCKING... MIRER."
The Fox halftime show features 10 minutes of everyone in the study laughing at Terry Bradshaw. What tremendous entertainment value.
Kenny Albert is calling one of the games on TV, prompting someone to ask if he's Marv's son. Chris says, "If he is, I'm sure he's been molested."
The Vikings cough up a fumble, and Randy Moss was in the vicinity of it... and just didn't appear to want it. He was jogging to the loose ball.
At the end of the 3rd quarter, the Chargers are leading 35-14. Doug Flutie is running like Michael Vick, spreading the ball around to everyone, and every pass he throws is hitting someone in the numbers. This is truly remarkable.
Daunte Culpepper is forced from the pocket, and some idiot bearded stoner Vikings fan in front of us keeps screaming, "DO SOMETHING SPECIAL! DO SOMETHING SPECIAL!" Yeah, he got sacked on the next play. Special enough for you, loser?
The Chargers are in the red zone, and have a fumbled snap. If Drew Brees is in the game, at best, he falls on the ball for a one-yard loss. Since it's Doug Fltuie, however, he just decides, "eh... I guess I'll just pick it up and take it to the house." I love Doug Flutie. What he's doing today is just extraordinary.
42 points. The San Diego Chargers have just scored 42 points. In one game.
The Chargers are up 14, with about 4 to play. AJ asks me, "Is it over?" To be on the safe said, I say no, it's not over yet. And he says, "Alright, well let me know when I can cheer for a cheap Randy Moss touchdown without being accosted." Maybe next week, fella.
Vikings recover an onside kick. Fuck.
With about 2:00 to play, the Vikings are threatening. I am not amused.
Terrence Keil makes the interception, and the 1-7 Chargers have just beaten the 6-2 Vikings. This is surreal.
I was talking earlier about how everyone gives Joey Porter so much love for coming back from a gunshot wound, and sure, it's manly, but Porter was an innocent bystander and took one in the ass. It was no worse than what happened to Tommy Davidson in Booty Call, only I don't think anyone shaved his pubes. Terrence Keil, however, was shot once in the leg, and once in the abdomen in attempted carjacking, and no one's saying anything about him, and he's back and making game-winning plays. I just thought I'd mention it.
Charger heroes today: Marcellus Wiley, for saying what needed to be said about the Chargers QB situation. The coaching staff waited too long to do it and they were losing the team in the process, and Marcellus Wiley put his own reputation on the line by saying publicly what all his teammates were saying privately. Doug Flutie is also a hero for being awesome, LaDainian Tomlinson, for being his usual stud self, and Crazy Fish Guy, who believed when very few others did.
Hey, look, Buffalo and Dallas are still playing. I hadn't noticed. It's 10-6 in the fourth. I don't care who wins. Not even a little bit.
The stoner Vikings fan who was screaming "DO SOMETHING SPECIAL!" has recovered quickly from the loss, you'll be happy to know. Something about an oddly shaped peanut has him laughing hysterically.
I don't feel like watching the end of the Raiders/Jets game. There's no need to interfere with the joy of a Chargers victory by taking the chance of seeing a Raiders fan happy.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 1:36 PM 0 comments
Monday, November 03, 2003
| Week 09 - 2003/2004 |
There are seven TVs in the joint, but the Chargers/Bears game isn't on any of them. I'm pissed, but at the same time... I do understand. It's not exactly an epic tilt between two football powerhouses that we're talking about. That's not to say that this fact stopped me from bitching, because it didn't. I found my pal, the owner, and discussed things with the girl who runs the TVs, she did a little shuffling, and soon, the Bolts are on a big screen about 10 feet in front of me.
Trent Green is visiting the CBS pre-game show this week, apparently on-hand to receive the "NFL Quarterback Most Resembling a Chipmunk" award. Congratulations, Trent, on behalf of small woodland creatures everywhere.
A Chargers win is fairly important to me this week. In light of all the things going on back in San Diego, it would just be nice to see the boys pull out a W. They spent most of the week in Chicago breathing fresh air and getting away from things, and I think they'll be in a better state of mind this week. I'm enlisting the help of all my partners at the table, Chris, AJ, Danks, Sammy, and Blohm. For the next few hours, we are a tightly-knit group of loud, obnoxious Chargers fans.
They're all cool with this, obviously, but it does spark a discussion about the late season Chargers/Steelers game for which we will most certainly not be a close-knit group of loud, obnoxious Chargers fans. Everyone in the group, with the exception of myself, is a hardcore Steelers fan. Chris asks, about that week, "Me and you... are we gonna be OK?" I don't have an answer for him.
Danks walks in wearing a Notre Dame Volleyball t-shirt. I had never before in my life seen a Notre Dame Volleyball t-shirt or a man that lacks the self-respect to wear one.
It's a bit after 1 o'clock, and we're treated to about two minutes of "Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2," and then a few more minutes of "Blue's Clues" before the games start. I, for some reason, can't stop myself from screaming, "FUCK YOU, BLUE." I am childish and depraved.
The first few passes thrown by Drew Brees fail to come within two yards of their intended receivers. He's horribly inaccurate and also makes bad decisions, which is not as bad as it sounds, because I think if he was good at just one of those things instead of zero, he'd throw a lot more picks.
The Chargers are looking absolutely horrendous at this point. I need to write a formal letter of apology to everyone in the bar for having this game put on the TV.
It just keeps getting more absurd by the minute. We can't throw, we can't run, and we can't stop the Bears from doing either with ease. For the Bears, it's 1986. I see Chris Chandler on the sidelines writing lyrics to the "We Are Going to Beat the Piss Out of the Chargers Shuffle."
I hate the all-white uniforms of the Chargers. The white is just too sharp, too clean, too bright, and too much of it. We look like pussies. On this Sunday, the clothes make the man.
Through the Bears own ineptitude, they are held to a field goal on their first drive. On the advice of my buddy Chris, I am now openly calling for the Chargers to take cheap shots at Chris Chandler's head.
Sammy, temporary Chargers fan and full-time Steelers fan, is absolutely giddy about a Todd Heap touchdown reception because he's on the bench of his fantasy team. I am ashamed.
The Texans have busted out a new red jersey for this week. I've gotta admit, it's handsome.
I am being let down by my group of loud obnoxious Chargers fans. There's more talk about sandwiches and fantasy football than there is actual football. Of course, the Chargers have yet to provide any reason for anyone to say anything positive, but still, I'm hurt.
Tim Dwight hasn't had a successful kick return in a very long time. I see no reason for him to still be employed by the Chargers organization on Monday morning.
If it wasn't for LaDainian Tomlinson, I would have no reason to live.
The first of many commercials we'll be seeing that day for the Country Music Awards is being shown, where apparently Norah Jones and Dolly Parton and doing some kind of a performance together. What a tremendous combination, the rare pairing of someone with a tremendous amount of talent and someone with a freakish set of jublies. It's like the Miles Davis/Justin Timberlake collaboration we've all been waiting for.
The Chargers offense today is reminding me of the Ryan Leaf/Craig Whelihan era in San Diego, and I wish I was making that up. It involves a lot of runs, a lot of screens, and an occasional shot downfield that will probably end disastrously.
Chargers tackle Damian McIntosh should just go ahead and change his first name to "False Start" and save everyone a little time.
The Bears march down the field like the Germans through France. That touchdown drive could not have been easier. There is absolutely no phase of the game in which the Chargers are even adequate right now. I can't even fathom how bad this team would be without LaDainian Tomlinson.
My head is down, I'm not watching anything. My buddy Chris points out to me that the Ravens have male cheerleaders. I appreciate him pointing this out to me, and I'd love to poke fun at them, but I'm just not in the mood.
Alright, I'm sad and disgusted, but I'm not dead. I can't just let that slide. The Ravens have dude cheerleaders. I think it's outstanding. So many other players sleep with their team's cheerleaders, and I'm glad that the Ravens organization has taken steps to allow the majority of Ravens players to do the same thing. Shouldn't San Francisco have been the first team to come up with this innovation?
Chris and I have the following exchange:
Me: How bad is it for me to hope that one of the houses burning in San Diego belongs to Marty Schottenheimer?
Chris: It's pretty bad.
Me: With his wife and children in it?
Chris: (shakes head)
Me: Yeah. Sorry.
Drew Brees lofts up a deep ball, and as it's fluttering through the air, I yell, "incomplete." As it turns out, "incomplete" was a little too optimistic. An exclamation of "Interception" would have been more accurate. This is what happens when I try to see the glass as half-full.
The Chargers should immediately remove the "JB" patch from their jerseys. John Butler does not deserve this. There is absolutely no excuse for a team to be this bad in every phase of the game. None. This single game is more than enough justification for the firing of any head coach. This is the worst performance of professional football that I have ever seen one team display, and I sat through every fucking game of the Leaf, Whelihan, and Harbaugh eras in San Diego. I am not exaggerating. At least during the Leaf era, he was universally worthy of hate. I didn't have to feel bad for wishing bad things upon him, but I do when it's Drew Brees. I'm starting to miss the Leaf era.
To any Chargers fans who might happen to be reading, Mel Kiper Jr. has Roy Williams, WR of Texas, as clearly the #1 overall player available in the draft. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Through all of this, the Chargers are only down 10-0 at the half, which is a solid testament to just how bad the Bears are.
Rick Mirer has entered the game for the Raiders, and I can't make fun. At the moment, Rick Mirer is not an object of ridicule, but an attractive alternative.
Updates are probably going to be sparse in the second half... I'm in no mood.
People are pointing out to me that it's only 10-0 and that there's still a chance to win. I don't care right now if we do win. I hope we don't. We don't deserve to win. This performance has been so thoroughly disgusting that stealing a cheap win would not make me feel better.
In the second half, I'm hoping for the Bears to just score quickly so we can have the ball. It's like when you're getting killed by the computer in Madden and you're just hoping for them to score quickly so you can get the ball back. You don't care how ugly the score gets, but being on offense is just less boring than being on defense. That's the stage I've reached.
Personal foul on the Chargers for a chop block, and why not... we might as well at least try to injure someone.
There might be other games on right now, I don't know. My eyes are transfixed on the carnage. If you're waiting for me to say something about your particular favorite team, here you go: I hope they lose by 50.
Yes, your team, too.
The computer-animated Nike commercial with Michael Vick and Terrell Owens playing for some fictitious team... I just don't get it. Vick drops back, and shakes off about 29 tackles, and T.O. has time to run about a 400 yard pattern. Vick eventually throws it, T.O. catches it, and then still has about 40 yards to go before getting to the endzone. They score, they're happy, and I don't feel like buying Nike products.
13-0 Bears. I may take up smoking.
The Raiders are down 17-3 to the Lions, and not even that is making me happy.
Little Dougie Flutie is warming up on the sidelines, just a few hours too late. I hope part of his pre-game ritual involves running over Drew Brees with a lawnmower.
The Bears are running the ball, picking up like 4 or 5 yards a clip. Come on, Doug is warming up, let's see what we can do. Just go deep, Bears, it'll be there, I promise.
Bears punt... Little Dougie has the Chargers moving. He might be the fastest man in the world over the age of 40.
This is surreal. The Chargers are moving the ball efficiently. A dramatic turnaround is underway...
Touchdown Chargers. We are down 6 points and have all the momentum.
Chris pops in a piece of gum, and the minty smell is making its way across the table. AJ has a disgusted look on his face and asks, "What's that smell?" "Mint. It's my gum," Chris tells him. "It's making me sick. I need to smell smoke," says AJ. I think that's a pretty clear sign that someone has a little bit of a nicotine problem.
Little Dougie has been in the game for about 2 minutes. Total yards for the Chargers B.D. (Before Dougie), 84. Total yards A.D., 74.
We're down six points with 3:20 to play, and on 4th and 5, elect to punt. I don't understand why. The punt, by the way, is returned by the Bears to about the Chargers original line of scrimmage. Tremendous game management, Bolts.
I notice some blood on the left pant leg of Drew Brees. I don't know how it got there, but I hope it hurt.
The Bears have a big furry Bear mascot now. The name on the back of his jersey is "Staley." I don't know why.
The Bolts game has officially ended. We didn't win, and I'd have felt a little guilty if we did. One, because of my behavior, and two, because we really wouldn't have deserved to. Incidentally, the Chargers are probably screwed at the QB position. I definitely don't get the feeling that the organization is ready to pull the plug on Drew Brees, and it looks like that needs to happen. Drew is a competitor, he works hard, and I think he has heart, but he just can't get it done. When he does make a good decision, he's just inaccurate. He's like... a poor man's Jay Fiedler. That's not good. This is not in reaction to one game, by the way, but this entire year. He's been terrible.
Alright, I can turn some attention to other games now. My heart's not in it, but what the hell else am I going to do? My girlfriend isn't here, and no one will go bowling with me.
Up 6 with about 2 minutes to go, Peyton Manning is set to embark on a game-ending drive for the Colts, but he's suddenly overcome by the spirit of Drew Brees, and gives the Dolphins a gift interception. Two plays later, however, Brian Griese is also visited by the ghost of Drew, drops back 12 yards, and coughs the ball up after being made to be Dwight Freeney's bitch. The Colts hang on to win.
John Carney hits a last minute field goal, and the Bucs lose at home to the Saints. Haha. Blow me, Warren Sapp.
The Dolphins lose and Crazy Fish Guy, who had somehow snuck in when I wasn't looking, walks out of the back room. He looks just as happy-go-lucky as he ever does. I, on the other hand, look live I've just been sold into an arranged marriage with Tonya Harding. Crazy Fish Guy takes losses much better than I do. I feel like I'm Luke, and he's Yoda. There is much he can teach me. Control, control, I must learn control.
Hey, Ray Lewis has a black breathe right strip. I hope he gives Quincy Carter a call.
The 4 o'clock games I can see are Philadelphia/Atlanta, Pittsburgh/Seattle, and Redskins/Cowboys.
The Redskins offensive line... well, they'd fit right in with the overall Chargers team philosophy of "be as terrible as your heart desires." Patrick Ramsey has to feel like the blonde kid that Ed Norton Jr. beats up in Fight Club. He just can't take much more of this.
Deion Sanders spoke in depth this week about his desire to be the next head coach of the Falcons. Apparently, Falcons players are intrigued by the idea and have gone down 10-0 to the Eagles to help facilitate the exit of Dan Reeves.
Every time Patrick Ramsey walks back to the sidelines, he looks at Steve Spurrier like, "Hey, asshead, do you think you could stop smirking for long enough to help me figure out how not to get paralyzed out there?"
The Jets and G-Men are nearing the end of overtime. The thought of both groups of fans leaving unhappy is something that appeals to me a great deal.
LaVar Arrington accidentally wipes out Bill Parcells on the sidelines. They cut to a shot of the Ramsey and Spurrier on the other sideline, and you can almost hear Ramsey thinking, "Why can't that happen on THIS sideline?"
Jerry Jones is down on the field, encouraging Larry Allen. Larry Allen is a man who's put in a career's worth of hard work and continues to play when his body is probably telling him that he shouldn't, and I'm sure that what he needs right now is a pep talk from a plastic-faced bazillionaire with the athletic inclination of Rosie O'Donnell on quaaludes.
Another commercial for the Country Music Awards invades my airspace, and I let out a big, "YEEEEEE-HA!" The Harley-Davidson crew sitting to my right doesn't look amused, but one of the guys has a canary yellow bandana tied around his neck, so I don't think there's any reason to be afraid.
Tim Rattay has the 49ers out to a 14-3 lead on the Rams, which is a bit shocking.
Tommy Maddox is absolutely statuesque in the pocket. It's not that he's completely immobile, he just... doesn't seem to want to move. Maybe he should stop having a big meal before each drive.
We get a few close-ups of Jerry Jones on the sidelines during the Cowboys game, and he licks his lips just like LL Cool J. It's almost like he's doing an impression. I hope he doesn't watch Any Given Sunday and sign LL to a multi-year deal in the offseason.
A Texans highlight is shown at halftime of one of the games, and they apparently won today with Tony Banks at quarterback. Tony Banks and Rick Mirer are now among the quarterbacks that had better days than Drew Brees. Ouch. Incidentally, I can't hear the name "Tony Banks" without thinking of Tony Yayo and Lloyd Banks of 50 Cent's crew, G-Unit. I have an image in my mind of Tony Banks spending his off-days rolling around in 50 Cent's H2 with all kinds of gold and ice on his person. That's just the way my mind works. I apologize.
Is it just me, or is there a certain amount of intrigue in the Cardinals/Bengals game this week? Exactly how did we get to this point? If someone told me before the year that I'd have the least bit of interest in this game, I don't think I'd have believed them. It would have been like telling me that I will someday be looking forward to seeing an action/adventure movie starring Freddie Prinze Jr. and Carrot Top.
And the Cowboys and Redskins wrap up the longest first half in NFL history. It's about 10 minutes after six when they go trotting into the locker rooms. Parcells must work hourly. There aren't many things as painful to watch as a sloppy ugly football game that also takes forever, and I speak from experience. At least the Chargers had the decency to fail miserably in a reasonable amount of time this week.
The Steelers/Seahawks game at 9-6 has every bit as much intrigue as the top-notch Pats/Browns game that I endured last week.
The 49ers are now laying wood to the Rams. How are the Rams so dominant last week on the road and so weak against a division rival this week? This loss just makes no sense.
Fred Smoot also has a black breathe right strip. I am now watching actively for a close-up of Quincy Carter.
Tommy Maddox throws a TD pass to Hines Ward, and thought it was getting called back for holding, and he went fucking berserk. I don't think I've seen anyone other than Bobby Knight get so agitated at a call. Seriously. He had to be physically restrained. For a minute there, it was like Ron Artest played for the Steelers.
I don't know if he's an official team mascot, or just a fan, but there's a guy at the Cardinals game in a big furry Cardinal costume, and in the Arizona heat, that just has to be torturous. I guess it's no worse than the naked barrel guy in Denver, but really... it's the Cardinals, man. Is it worth it?
Close-up of Quincy Carter... and the Breathe Right problem has been solved! Quincy's so dark that I can't tell if he's wearing a black strip or no strip at all, but either way, I'm happy. Major ups to the people at the Breathe Right company, and as promised, I will now put an end to my letter-writing campaign.
Some guy behind us is calling for the Steelers to throw a fade to Plaxico Burress in the endzone, because "he's 7 feet tall, how could he miss it?" His error was pointed out to him, and he says, "Okay, 6'10"."
The Steelers, like the Chargers, also come up short in their comeback bid, and this day has just not gone well. I feel like breaking something. Not out of destructive anger, just because I'd like to have something I can at least talk about the next day. I don't wish to discuss with anyone just how bad the Chargers are, but if I slice up my hand by putting it through someone's driver side window, I'll at least have a story to tell. This is how my mind works. I need therapy.
The Cardinals pull off an upset win over the Bengals. It's the first time anyone has pulled off an upset win over the Bengals since the 1980s.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 12:36 PM 0 comments
