Monday, December 29, 2003
| Week 17- 2003/2004 |
I am without a wingman at the sports bar today. Goose, Cougar, Iceman, and Slider are all either out of town, working, or attending a basketball game. I don't even see Viper (Crazy Fish Guy). But I'm here. Alone. While the weather outside is the best it's going to be for months. I do this for you, the loyal reader. You owe me head. Please drop a line in the mailbag to make arrangements for delivery.
There is exactly 1 customer at the bar when I get there, and he's sitting at my table. I decide that this new jack bitch punk doesn't know who he's messin' with, and I go over and tell him that he'd like to get dealt with. Actually, I just went quietly to the back room. The games were better back there anyway.
I've decided, and it's unfortunate that I only came to this conclusion in Week 17, that as long as they're under .500, I'll be referring to the Cleveland Browns as the Cleveland Steamers. Really, it's not all that far from their real nickname. If you aren't familiar with the Cleveland Steamer, I can't explain it to you. There could be children reading. Go look it up.
Marcus Allen is doing a sideline report from some game, and he is struggling. Words are coming out slowly and without any certainty. I hope he's not reading from cue cards, because if he is... well, Marcus Allen can't read.
CBS is doing a little feature on Brett Favre and the recent passing of his father. I don't wanna trivialize the death of the man, but... what are the chances that Irv Favre plays a bigger role in the playoffs than just about anyone else? Brett Favre's teammates just have to be inspired by his play, even the fact that he's playing at all. And you know there's some worldwide karma in the corner of Brett Favre right now. Incidentally, I wonder how Irv felt about the 2Pac song in the background of CBS's feature on him.
After the Favre feature, Deion Sanders, while showing all due respect and admiration for Favre, takes the time to remind viewers that Brett Favre isn't the only NFL player who's ever lost a family member during the season, and that everyone that has to go through such a thing is deserving of respect. Nice work, Deion.
Neil O'Donnell is getting the starting nod for the Titans. Y'know, people make such a huge deal about Steve McNair playing through injuries, but what about O'Donnell? He's played an entire career without an upper lip.
There's virtually no one here, I'm sitting next to the TV showing the Dolphins game, and I'd have no excuse to tell him he couldn't sit with me, so I'm thinking... If Crazy Fish Guy shows, there's a pretty good chance I'll be sitting with him. The prospect of this happening... makes me nervous. Not in a bad way, but in kind of a... first-date jitters kinda way. I don't know what that says about me.
If I was from the mountains of outer Mongolia, and had no idea of the concept of football... seeing one of these Don Cheadle playoff commercials would have me glued to the TV come playoff time. The Diamond Ring? Oh hell yes.
Jack Del Rio reminds me of Dennis Hopper from Hoosiers. He's just got kind of a Shooter look about him. His hair is gelled or matted down somehow, he's got some darkness happening around his eyes. I suspect there may be a bottle around there somewhere, too.
There are exactly 2 people in the back room. Me, and one random straggling lonely Colts fan. The good thing about being so isolated is that I can feel free to break wind in any loud or offensive way that I see fit. I am taking advantage. Liberating.
Ray Brown, while I'm not sure if he's actually the oldest non-kicker in the NFL, is definitely the oldest-looking. If Bob Dole were black and huge, he would be Ray Brown. He's in his 18th or 19th year. The entire Chargers starting offensive line has 13. And that's on a good day, when there are no injuries.
The games I'm seeing are... Jets/Fish, Colts/Texans, Jags/Falcons, and Rams/Lions. Just in case you were interested. Because I'm certainly not.
The update on the bottom of the screen tells me that John Carney hit a field goal, which is good news. Not necessarily because I care about that game, but I am glad to know that someone didn't murder him during the week.
Hey, Barry Sanders is in the house at the Lions game. That's gotta be nice for the people of Detroit. But y'know what, with Shawn Bryson and Artose Pinner, they hardly miss him at all.
Just something to think about: What if the Coors Light advertising people were in charge of advertising Viagra and the other anti-impotency drugs?
TJ Duckett is looking all-world in the Falcons game. And Michael Vick is just as ridiculous to watch on TV as he is to play with in Madden. Early in the game, though, he hasn't been all that sharp. He's more like the Madden Michael Vick being controlled by MJD after about a half dozen bong hits.
The officials in the Miami game rule uncatchable a ball that hit Rob Konrad's hands. I wish I had more of an explanation for you.
Ricky Williams houses it on the next play, though, with a spectacular leap over a defender. The Dolphins are an excellent team when a playoff spot isn't on the line.
While I'm on the subject of the Dolphins, I think Dave Wannstedt should be kept around. The guy wins 10 games a year, which is pretty nice. I know the Dolphins need to get over that hump and make some noise in the playoffs, but... give him a good QB and/or a good #2 wideout, and then see what he can do. If he still screws the pooch, then can him... but Jay Fielder isn't getting anyone too deep into the postseason.
Mike Vanderjagt has tied some record in the Colts game. I dunno. He's still a kicker. It would really make my day if he went back to the sidelines and started screaming, "I'M A FUCKIN' SOLDIER!" But maybe that's just me.
Randy Cross, who I hate, says Chad Pennington is among the Top 5 quarterbacks in the NFL. When I first heard this, I thought it was absurd. Then I did some figuring. Let's say Manning, McNabb, and McNair are a clear top 3. And below them, fighting for the 4 and 5 spots are Brett Favre, Daunte Culpepper, Tom Brady, and Michael Vick. Does Pennington belong in that group right now? I'd say no, but it's certainly not that much of a stretch to say he will next year. I still hate Randy Cross, though.
The Texans are giving a game to the Colts, and the Lions are giving a game to the Rams. Very good to see... this is actually shaping up to be a pretty entertaining day of football.
Byron Leftwich is completely impressive for a rookie quarterback. He's strong, accurate, decisive, and quicker than he gets credit for. It's clearly his team in Jacksonville. And next year, I'm hoping that the team in San Diego is Mark Brunell's. Or Kurt Warner's. Or... Jarious Jackson might even be an improvement at this point.
The Steamers take a 13-7 lead over the Bengals, and seem primed to drop a great big steaming pile of unhappiness on the chest of the Bengals playoff hopes.
Neil O'Donnell has 124 yards and a touchdown at the half. That's ridiculously impressive. How many NFL teams could Neil start for? 5? 10? Chicago, Detroit, Arizona, Carolina, Cleveland, San Diego... perhaps Pittsburgh, Miami, Baltimore?
A guy comes in and sits at the table next to mine wearing a bright green Atlanta Hawks throwback jersey. Those things are tight. He and I, however, may be the only two people in the world that like them.
I think I just saw a commercial featuring black men playing basketball on rollerblades and eating Egg McMuffins. How am I supposed to react to that?
My man AJ enters the house, having got off of work early. AJ has started gambling now. "I need some money," he says. Solid financial planning, AJ.
The Dolphins long-snapper fires a punt way over the head of the punter. It cleared his outstretched arms by about three yards. The long-snapper just displayed more arm than Jay Fiedler has shown all year.
The Viagra commercials are in heavy rotation today. Upon seeing one, AJ, for some reason, feels it necessary to say to me, "I'm sure I need less help in that area than anyone on earth." I respond with, "Yeah... MJD needs a pill to keep it down." AJ laughs and says, "Seriously, man. A girl brushes up against my leg and I'm like, 'Wooooo!'" I... didn't know we were being serious.
This Jets/Dolphins game has been excellent so far. It's too bad there's no reason for me to give a rat's ass. Randy Cross, by the way, points out for the 872nd time today that the Jets' defense is slow. It only took him 17 weeks to catch on, too.
Indianapolis ties it up late in the 4th... Miami gets the W on a last-second Olindo Mare field goal, and Jacksonville fails to tie the score on one last crack at the endzone. Tremendously entertaining slate of early games... and Detroit is still up 10 on the Rams.
Mike Vanderjagt has a crucial kick here. If he makes it, he sets the all-time record for consecutive field goals, goes an entire year without missing a field goal, and secures a home playoff fame for the Colts, who would probably killed if they had to go on the road. If he misses it, the Colts get worked over next week. From 43 yards away, he buries it. But he is still a kicker.
4 o'clock approaches... and I'm feeling like I want to beat the fuck out of the Raiders. Fuck the #1 draft pick... we'd fuck it up anyway. We'll end up drafting Eli Manning, and he'll develop a heroin habit and start sleeping with Boy Scouts. Picking at 3 or 4 comes with far less expectations. That's the point I'm at right now.
I apologize for the three fucks in rapid succession at the beginning of that last item. This is what the Raiders do to me.
Charles Woodson and Charlie Garner have gotten themselves suspended for the last game of the year. What do you have to do to get suspended by the Raiders? Perform a Cleveland Steamer on Al Davis?
It later comes out that Woodson and Garner missed curfew last night, but eventually did arrive at the team hotel... at 10:30 a.m. Impressive.
During the first drive of the game... we are having our way. We forced a three-and-out, and now, our offensive line is making massive holes. LaDainian Tomlinson is unstoppable. I think he's the best offensive player in the league.
Detroit won, Cleveland won, and Arizona's up on Minnesota early. I think we can actually win this game and still get the #1 draft pick.
Just as I'm starting to feel good about the Bolts... we end up throwing on three straight downs, and it works out pretty well, if you like sacks and incompletions. Thanks, Drew.
Chris and Boogie have shown up, and are taking about the Steelers game against the Ravens tonight. They want the Steelers to not guard the wide receivers at all, let Anthony Wright throw for about 1100 yards, and just refuse to let Jamal Lewis even sniff the record. By the end of the game, they want him back down to about 1800 yards.
The Raiders, unable to move the ball at all offensively, take a punt return to the house. I blame Drew Brees. Seriously, I want Dougie. I need to see no more from Drew Brees to know that he is not the guy San Diego needs.
The Cardinals lead the Vikings 6-0 at the half.
Drew Brees manages to connect with a wide open David Boston in the endzone. Boston, completely wide open, had to struggle to get his feet in bounds. Such is the accuracy of Drew Brees. Nonetheless, it was a touchdown pass, and that's just not something I'm used to seeing. I'm speechless.
I can't hear him, but Bill Romanowski is doing color commentary for some FOX game. What must that be like... "Corey Chavous makes the tackle on the play for the Vikings. Chavous, unfortunately, is black. But white people like me can take tackle boxes full of steroids to keep up with his obvious genetic physical superiority. Please pass me the syringe." And then 'roid rage kicks in... "ARRRROOOOOOOO!!! WOOF!! WOOF!! BIG DOGS, BIG DOGS... LANDING ON MY FACE."
And the Raiders promptly take a kickoff return to the house. Offensively, we have had the Raiders completely locked up. They can do nothing. But they keep getting these weak little kick returns, and the score is tied.
During a long portion of the 2nd half, all action leaves the San Diego/Oakland game. Someone for the Chargers is hurt. I look up at the screen, see that it isn't Tomlinson, shrug and then look away. I mean, I hope the guy's OK, but in a football sense... if it's not LT, then... does it really matter?
Tee Martin finds himself in the grasp of a Chargers defender, and just launches a ball towards the sidelines. AJ wants an intentional grounding call. Chris reminds him that the quarterback is Tee Martin, and thus... that may have been exactly where he wanted to throw the ball.
We've got a small dilemma at the table. We've had excellent waitress service this afternoon, and we want to compliment the woman. But is it even possible to do that without coming off as the creepy sports bar patron who just wants to hook up with a waitress? We've got to risk it, though. She deserves the compliment. I'm about to volunteer, because you know... no matter how it comes off, I'm no stranger to humiliation around women. Chris was just engaged, though, so it's much safer for him. He accepts the assignment. The compliment goes off pretty smoothly. She's clearly in love with me.
Tee Martin is terrible. He makes Rick Mirer look like Dan Fouts. I'm going out on a limb and saying that the Chargers can beat any team in the league quarterbacked by Tee Martin.
It is so much fun to watch LaDainian Tomlinson. His absolute brilliance is the only reason I'd say that this (soon to be) 4-12 Chargers team could compete with the 1-15 team of 2000. The 1-15 team played a lot of close games, and had an excellent defense. They were, however, the most brutal team to watch in NFL history. This team has just been a mountain of suckiness all year long, but the heart, determination and skill of LaDainian Tomlinson, however, have made this team, at times, a lot of fun to watch. I also appreciate the fact that we've played very hard in the last two weeks of the year, when it would be easy for any team to just fold up shop and be comfortable with their level of suck. Much like the Raiders have done today. Quite vaginal, Raiders.
Total yards: LaDainian Tomlinson, 260. Oakland Raiders, 121.
The Cardinals, needing a touchdown to send their good-guy head coach Dave McGinnis out with a win and to send the Packers to the playoffs, lose yards on 2nd down, lose yards on 3rd down, and find themselves with a 4th and goal from the 28. Josh McCown takes the snap, and for the 18th consecutive play, starts running around aimlessly as soon as the ball is in his hands. He rolls to his right, and launches a pass that looks like it's heading for the 3rd row. As it sails, I say, "What is THAT?" And #89, Nathan Poole, hauls it in while being pushed out of bounds. Cardinals win. 0:00.
Prior to that moment, I had not jumped out of my seat in excitement for anyone other than the Chargers this year. I don't even know if I've done it for the Chargers. That was just an absolutely great moment. Best of the year, no question. Lambeau field gets the news, and it has to be the best place in the world to be right at that moment. Good for Brett Favre, good for Dave McGinnis, good for Emmitt Smith, good for the guy who made the "I'M STILL A CARDINALS FAN" sign. Amazing, amazing moment.
And just as it ends, Donnie Edwards picks off a Rick Mirer pass (shocking, I know) and just about seals the W for the Chargers.
So with the Cardinals win... we can go ahead and polish off these bitch-made punks in silver and black and STILL get the #1 draft pick. It doesn't get any better than that. This has been a tremendous football day. It's odd to say at 4-12, but... days like this make all the other days worth it.
And that's just about going to put a wrap on the inaugural season of the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord. I'm glad I could end it on a note like this. There might be something done for the playoffs, but if so, it probably won't be in the same format. I'm not sure. But I want you to know I've dug doing the Smorgasbord for you this year, even if it has kept me up until about 6 a.m. on more than a few Sunday nights/Monday mornings. But it's worth it. I've enjoyed my time spent at the bar among the drinkers, gamblers, whores, and thieves, and I hope it's brightened a few of your days along the line, too. And if you just come to the site on Mondays and read the Smorgasbord, don't be a dick and stop coming all together now. There's plenty more love to be spread. Peace.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 2:39 PM 0 comments
Monday, December 22, 2003
| Week 16- 2003/2004 |
The holiday season has necessitated some sports bar line-up shuffling. Danks is out (sorry, ladies), but we've got a couple of solid replacements. One is Snider, a sports bar veteran who's familiar with the all-day sports bar marathons, but hasn't made the pilgrimage in over 3 years. The other is Pat, who's spent the last 31 months of his life in Africa and South America. Losing Danks is difficult. How do you replace a guy who drives around with a "Notre Dame Mom" sticker on the back of his car? You can't. You just have to adjust and move on with what you have.
ESPN's Jamal Anderson is interviewing Shannon Sharpe, and he asks him to name his favorite trash-talk sound clip from his career. They go through some clips of some pretty funny stuff, but he decides on the time when he called the President of the United States from the sideline phone and asked him to send in the National Guard because "we are killing the Patriots." I've gotta admit, that was pretty money. Shannon Sharpe, when he retires, can look back on an outstanding career of trash-talking. I almost wish I didn't hate the horse-faced bastard.
Snider puts his hand on my little notebook and asks me if it is indeed where the Smorgasbord starts every week. I tell him that yes, this is where the magic happens. He is in awe. He excitedly tells me that he's hoping to get in. I offer no guarantees. It takes a special person, like an imaginary girlfriend or a lonely gambling-addicted Dolphins fan, to make the Smorgasbord.
Pat, in his first crazy African story of the day (he would later tell one of about artificially inseminating a cow), tells us of a Nairobi woman who was flying to London with her baby when another passenger noticed that the baby was extremely lethargic and the mother wasn't giving it much attention. When the plane landed and the authorities questioned her, they discovered that the baby was dead, hollowed out, and filled with cocaine. This is the first dead-baby-stuffed-with-yayo story to ever appear in the Smorgasbord. I'm glad you were all here to share it with me.
Snider and Sammy are reminiscing about years past when Bobby Shaw played for the Steelers. Every time he made a catch, Sammy, to show his support for Shaw, would tie a few cocktail napkins together and drape them around his neck to simulate the wearing of a shawl.
The early games that we're seeing include Chicago/Washington, Baltimore/Cleveland, and Buffalo/Miami. Just a terrible line-up. I have very little interest in any of these games.
This is the emptiest the place has been this year. There's no Steelers game at 1 o'clock, and no students in town. The place is desolate and lifeless...
...BUT HERE COMES CRAZY FISH GUY! Like Willis Reed coming back in the 1970 Finals to save the Knicks against the Lakers, Crazy Fish Guy is here to save us all today.
Snider, despite never having met or seen Crazy Fish Guy, immediately knows who he is. Such is the magic of Crazy Fish Guy.
Crazy Fish Guy asks if he can sit at our table. Crazy Fish Guy gets rejected like T.J. Ford trying to drive on Ben Wallace. I'd feel bad for keeping him all to myself during this holiday season, especially when so many others have to go without. But he sits at the adjacent table and is feeling chatty. I update him on the Dolphins status and tell him that Chris Chambers just scored. He asks, "Did they run it in?" No, Crazy Fish Guy... Chris Chambers is a wide receiver. But I'm glad you're here.
Rex Grossman is looking pretty solid for the Bears. Of course, in a game where the competition is provided by Tim "0.0" Hasselbeck, Ryan Leaf might look like Johnny Unitas.
Crazy Fish Guy asks me if the Chiefs managed to score yesterday, and I tell him that yes, the final score was 45-20. He says, "That sounds like an over game." Yes, Crazy Fish Guy... that was an over game.
Snider asks me which waitress is my girlfriend, and I point out the girl behind the bar and note that she's now my ex. Pat is confused by all of this, and I soon discover that it's difficult to explain the concept of my imaginary ex-girlfriend to someone who hasn't been following the Smorgasbord. Also, explaining the concept of my imaginary ex-girlfriend to someone who hasn't been following the Smorgasbord makes me seem like a sad and lonely failure of a human being.
Pat, out of the country for the better part of three years, asks me if Tim Couch's career has been going well. Wow, he really has been gone a long time.
Fox breaks in with a special alert. Our nation's threat level has risen from yellow to orange. As a precautionary measure, I decide I better not order the double cheeseburger.
Miami looks to be playing extremely well today. In fact, I thought they played fairly well on Monday Night against the Eagles, but just ran into a better team. They're still not making the playoffs, though. I think Buddy Ryan would make a better choice for Dolphins head coach than would Dave Wannsteadt.
My mom makes a brief appearance during the second half of the early games to say hello to Pat and Snider. At this very moment, my mother is sitting just inches away from Crazy Fish Guy. It's hard to put into words what it feels like to see your mother having to resist the temptation of turning around and giving into the seductive power of Crazy Fish Guy's tight gray Dolphins sweatshirt.
Tim Hasselbeck makes a touchdown catch for the Redskins, and my buddy Chris remarks that he's already a better wide receiver than he is a quarterback.
Chris, by the way, has brought a Jerome Bettis bobblehead doll with him. When the Chargers are up 35-0, I'm going to pull his unsightly head from his springed neck and crush it with a dirty butterknife.
Jamal Lewis is abusing the Browns run D, and in the process has set a new record for yards accumulated against one team in one year. It's really great that he's going to run for 2,000 yards and all, but shouldn't the yards he accumulates against the Browns force an asterisk next to his accomplishment? I think I could pound out a 100-yard game against the Browns. Crazy Fish Guy could probably start at outside linebacker for the Browns.
The Baltimore game is on the middle TV with sound, the very same TV that the Steelers/Chargers game will be on at 4. It's 28-0 Baltimore, and if I miss the beginning of the game this week, I'm going to be pissed. But I know it's going to happen.
A guy walks into the place wearing a t-shirt that says "Born Ugly, Live Ugly, Die Ugly." Getting a look at his grill, yes, I'd have to say that's a pretty apt description. I'm glad he's come to terms with it.
If the Chargers were to lose by 70, and Crazy Fish Guy were to whoop my ass, and if my ex-girlfriend were to serve me with a paternity suit, I would not be having as bad a day as John Carney is having right now. Donte Stallworth and a few other Saints combine to make a ridiculous play to tie the score and keep their playoff hopes alive, and John Carney... misses the extra point. Stallworth looks pissed. John Carney may be murdered in the locker room after the game.
Just as I suspected, we do miss the first five minutes of the Steelers/Chargers game... but the good news is that we're tuned in just in time to see Plaxico Burress catch a TD pass on the sad and defenseless Sammy Davis. What a terrific start. The MJD threat level has just been raised from Navajo White to Cornflower.
The Cardinals are wearing all-white uniforms today and I'm reminded of something that Colonel Nathan Jessop said to Lieutenant Dan Kaffee when Kaffee asked for a copy of Santiago's transfer order.
Hey, this is outstanding. Coors Light has unveiled a new commercial this week. They are heavily promoting the Super Bowl, which is apparently now all about fireworks and whores, but mainly whores. There may be some football involved somewhere, too, but the message of the commercial is very clear: the Super Bowl is now all about the whores.
There really aren't words to describe the feeling of watching the miserable Steelers offense have their way with the Chargers defense. It's like having your ass kicked by Screech.
Jerome Bettis, who was washed up three years ago, looks like an eager rookie against the Chargers defense. And I've got a Jerome Bettis bobblehead doll in my face.
I know the Chargers are 3-11, I know it's just a game, I know it's the holiday season, and I know these are some of the people I care most about in the world, but if all of my friends at the table were to spontaneously burst into flame right now, I'd probably laugh for a few minutes before I thought about pouring water on them.
Snider is talking about his grandmother taking a trip to Vegas, and asks aloud the rhetorical question, "What's my grandma going to do for a week alone in Vegas?" There's a certain look I get on my face when I'm trying to hold myself back from saying something fucked up about someone's grandmother. Chris knows this look well. And yes, I am the type of guy who will talk about someone's grandmother. We've all got our flaws, so screw you for judging me. Anyway, Snider senses my internal struggle and says, "Come on, just say it... don't make me read about it tomorrow in the Smorgasbord." If I had written this immediately after the game, you would all be reading right now about various lascivious career opportunities I would suggest for Snider's grandmother in the Vegas area, but since I've had a few hours to calm down and release some of the bitterness, I'm not going to do it. I am so proud of myself.
Late in the second quarter, the Steelers only have 80 times more total yards than do the Chargers. That is not an exaggeration. This could not be going worse. The MJD threat level has risen from maize to chartreuse.
LaDainian Tomlinson scores a touchdown, making the score 21-7. The sad, frustrated hopelessness that I was filled with a minute ago has given way to a much more bearable despondent despair.
Hey, the Chargers defense forced a stop. That's a neat little trick, defense... we should do that more often.
Rookie Chargers WR Kassim Osgood... TO THE HOUSE. 21-17 Steelers. I'm expecting my chant of "OSGOOD IS GOOD" to sweep the nation.
Regardless of the outcome of the game... y'know, I'm somewhat proud of my team. We have three wins. Our best quarterback is a 40-year-old little person. The team's biggest accomplishment this year was said 40-year-old little person winning an extremely lame musical competition during Monday Night Football. And yet, we are fighting and clawing to get back into this game. For all of this team's flaws, a lack of heart is not one of them. Marty Schottenheimer should be back.
I miss Danks. But not in a gay way. Any gay desires that reside in the heart of Danks will have to be fulfilled by the life-size cardboard cut out of Tom Brady that we got him for Christmas.
Fox keeps showing a sign that some fan made with caricature drawings of everyone on Fox's pre-game show. The sign says, "FOX ROX!" What kind of a loser does it take to go to the trouble of making a sign like that? Do Jimmy Johnson and Terry Bradshaw really excite someone that much? Does this same person tape and rewatch Howie Long's Radio Shack commercials? Are they inspired by the meaningful insight provided by Jillian Barberie's leather-clad ass every week?
Drew Brees scrambles, and at a certain point, just gets tired of carrying that damn football with him. So he drops it. The Steelers pick it up. They soon score. The MJD threat level has just risen from mulberry to raw umber. Drew Brees will not be receiving a Christmas card from MJD this year. If he got one, he'd probably just throw it to the nearest defender anyway.
Y'know, I was expecting this to be a lot more fun. All my friends are Steelers fans and I'm a Chargers fan, but the game is essentially meaningless. I was expecting to engage in some trash-talk, some general fun and shenanigans. But this game really has been the worst case scenario. It was 21-0 Steelers before we had a first down. All hope left early. And I could've eventually gotten over that and managed to still have some fun, but the Bolts insisted on fighting back and restoring in me some hope... only to have that hope crushed by Drew Brees, the human turnover machine.
And we have another interception courtesy of Drew Brees. I've got to give him some props, though. After each turnover he commits, he always hustles off to the sidelines. I think that's a sign of a great quarterback.
Terrell Owens has been forced to leave the 49ers game due to injury... and walks back out to the sidelines in street clothes, smiling and enjoying himself, despite the fact that the 49ers are losing. He looks like a guy who's just gotten the day off work. I really think that's how he feels right now. And now he's pulled out his cell phone, and is talking and laughing, paying no attention to the game or his teammates, who, and I don't know if I've mentioned this, are losing. His teammates really have to appreciate the support. TO is a dick.
Another LaDainian Tomlinson touchdown brings the Chargers back to within 7. Hope has surfaced again...
...but only until Drew Brees gets the ball back in his hands. The referee has outstanding coverage on LaDainian Tomlinson, but Brees tries to force the ball in there anyway. It bounces off LT's back shoulder, and some Steelers asshead takes it to the house. On the sidelines, Marty Schottenheimer informs Drew Brees that his services will no longer be required on this day, and for the first time in his career, Brees doesn't react well. This is the first time in my life that I've wanted to see a 60-year-old man beat up the starting quarterback of my favorite football team. The MJD threat level has just risen from burnt orange to sienna.
Doug Flutie comes into the game. Being acutely sensitive to the pain I'm feeling as a Chargers fan, Chris expresses a desire for the Steelers to hurt Doug Flutie.
Doug's first play is a scramble for about 12 yards, and I start talking shit about how they can't hurt Dougie. Chris asks, "Are you going to lose graciously?" I think we all know the answer to that one.
The Chargers haven't beaten the Steelers in quite a while. In fact, if memory serves correctly, the last time the Chargers beat the Steelers... man, that was a long time ago. Let me see if I can remember. I'm having a vision... It was a cold day at Three Rivers Stadium. It was a fourth down for the Steelers at the Chargers 3-yard line... Neil O'Donnell drops back, looks to get the ball to Barry Foster... AND CHARGER LINEBACKER DENNIS GIBSON BREAKS IT UP. HaHa... Bill Cowher has only lost once to the Chargers, but if I had to pick one game to win, I think I'd go with that one. Lick my crack, Steeler fan. Just thought I'd share that while we were on the subject of not losing graciously.
Some Steelers fans are getting excited. I am about to snap. I start yelling about how it's just the Chargers, and me and 10 guys from the bar could beat the Chargers. I then hold my head in my hands and curse myself.
There's less than a minute left, and I'm leaving... I look back at the TV only to see Doug Flutie get drilled by a Steelers linebacker. Chris got his wish. Chris and I are no longer friends. I hope that for Christmas, Chris gets gang raped by a group of syphilis-infested bikers. What a fitting end to the day. I avoid eye contact and head for the door. Fuck.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 2:38 PM 0 comments
Monday, December 15, 2003
| Week 15- 2003/2004 |
I get to the place a little later than usual, and still... it's empty. There are 2 people in the place that aren't employees. My ex-girlfriend, who's working the bar today, says hello to me as I walk in, and I walk by like it never happened. Because that is how MJD rolls.
When I get there, CBS still has news coverage of the Saddam capture, which does not amuse me. I decide that if I miss any football because of this, I'm going to find where he is and set him free. I'm going to spring Saddam.
Who the hell is that guy in the "WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!" commercial? Good Lord... when they did the casting call, did they ask for the most annoying, over-the-top oiled-up bastard in the world? If Ray Lewis had a greasy little brother with ADD, it would be this fella.
The Fox pregame show is running a poll, and the question is: "Who is the league's most impressive Johnson?" Y'know, it's so hard to tell with everyone wearing cups. Perhaps this question would be better posed to Hank Bauer, former Chargers TE, and current Chargers radio color man (more on that later).
I wanted to vote Tom Brady or Doug Chapman, but they weren't options.
The crowd at the Steelers/Jets game looks a lot like the crowd here at the bar. The Cardinals have had crowds that have dwarfed this one. And it's snowing like a bastard, too. What's more slippery, snow on grass, or snow on the new rubber field surfaces?
Gus Johnson starts off the broadcast by saying it's a "special day in America!" referring, I guess, to the capture of Saddam Hussein. I don't understand why it makes today any more special for me, and Danks remarks that Saddam didn't look like he's been doing too much recently. Danks makes a fine point... the guy clearly couldn't even get his hands on a comb, so exactly what threat he was posing to the rest of the world, I'm not sure. Don't get me wrong, I don't want the bastard running around free, but I wasn't losing any sleep over the possibility that he might attack me with his scary beard.
It doesn't look like Crazy Fish Guy is going to be here today. I don't think the Fish play today, but he could at least show up and root for the over in every game. I ask one of the waitresses where he is, and she said something about a pentagon briefing for his heroic actions in the capture of a world dictator or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
Danks has left me... the Patriots game is on in the back, and they won't change it, despite the fact that Danks and I make up over 66% of their clientele right now.
Bill Cowher is standing on the field in warm-ups, snow a few inches deep on the field, and he looks into the camera and says, "This is football for the purists. Can't ask for anything more." That's pretty manly. How many other NFL coaches would be out there, freezing their stones off and being that excited about it?
Doing the Smorgasbord is a lot harder when I'm at a table by myself.
A waitress comes over to me and asks me if my name is Josh. It is not. Apparently, someone had called the bar and asked her to give a message to Josh, but described him only as "the guy who's there every week." And she automatically thought of me. I'm honored. I'm also a complete loser.
I think I might be the only Steeler fan here at this point, and I'm not even a Steeler fan. The crowd has swelled to about 8.
On a snow-covered field in a blizzard, the Jets have thrown the ball downfield on the first two plays. And the Steelers can't stop it. That's how good the Steelers secondary is - they can't slow down a passing game in a fucking blizzard. I start wondering about what kind of natural disaster would be most advantageous to the Steelers secondary. I think a tsunami would be best, but sadly, there aren't many tsunamis in Pittsburgh.
Marc Bulger takes a safety, and Seattle has a lead on the road for the first time since Chuck Knox retired.
There are massive piles of snow against the sides of the field in the Steelers/Jets game. I think Jets DT Josh Evans just tried to snort one of them.
Jerome Bettis moves into 8th on the NFL's all-time rushing list. That is unspeakably impressive for a running back of his size. Big backs like that have good years (Natrone Means, Marion Butts, Craig Heyward), but rarely do they say healthy enough to have a career that puts them in the Top 10 all-time. Jerome Bettis is the best big back in NFL history.
Speaking of impressive running backs, CBS has some interesting stats on Eddie George, who is taking a ton of criticism lately. 1) he's got the most carries in the NFL this year of anyone without a fumble, and 2) his yards per carry has increased in each month of this season.
Speaking of the Titans, Billy Volek reminds me a lot of Steve McNair, except without the arm strength, accuracy, mobility, or pocket presence. Their uniforms are similar, though.
Santana Moss was wide open in all directions by 15 yards, and Pennington lofted the ball up for him... and Moss just falls down. Great play, Dwayne Washington.
Some knob in the Jets crowd had a sign offering, "Congrat's" to the U.S. Military for their capture. The sentiment is lovely, but as flattered as I'm sure the armed forces are, the American public school system can't be happy about the use of the apostrophe in "Congrat's."
Seattle is now losing, 14-2. That's more like it.
My man the Rect-Dogg rolls in at about 2 o'clock, hardcore Steelers fan that he is. He's an intelligent adult male, but for as long as I've known him, he's managed to always look like a 10-year-old boy who ran away from home about two weeks ago. I think he's hungover. At the very least.
The Rect-Dogg is owner of a fantasy team that's playing for the championship in our league today, and asks me, completely seriously, if quarterbacks lose points for taking safeties or for throwing interceptions. He's in the championship game and doesn't know the rules of the league. As league commissioner, I'm embarrassed.
Chad Pennington throws a deep ball intended for Santana Moss, who managed to somehow get open in the Steelers secondary... only he was 8 yards out of the back of the endzone. The snow is such that Pennington had no idea of the whereabouts of the endzone.
Marc Bulger throws a TD pass for the Rams and the Rect-Dogg takes the opportunity to display his gross misunderstanding of the scoring system of our league. The TD pass, (yards and completion included) is worth 5 and a third points. Rect-Dogg guessed nine. Shameful. I feel much shame for my league. How would Paul Tagliabue explain it if, come January, the Chargers somehow miraculously ended up in the Super Bowl? That's how I feel right now.
By the way, it's 2:30 in the afternoon, and the Rect-Dogg had no idea about Saddam.
At halftime of the Steelers/Jets game, Dan Marino refers to Mike Logan as "Ernie Logan." Who the hell is Ernie Logan?
It's snowing like a bastard outside, I may have to bounce early today. The roads... don't look good.
At halftime, the Colts are outgaining the Falcons by 227-29. Not pretty.
One of the great things about the NFL playoffs approaching, to me at least, is the return of the Don Cheadle commercials. It just doesn't get cooler than Don Cheadle.
Weather has knocked out the satellite signal for the St. Louis/Seattle game. And the Titans/Bills game is going in and out.
Billy Volek coughs up a fumble, and then just stands there in one spot and watching Pat Williams take it to the house. Pat Williams, by the way, is bigger than many cars, and can absolutely haul. Volek really just made no effort to... do anything. He just stood there and watched everything happen.
A guy with an accent I can, regrettably, only describe as African, is sitting behind me cheering hard for Amos Zereoue. The way he says "Zereoue" is just as cool as it can be. Every time Tommy Maddox drops backs, he either says, "Get a touchdown!" or implores Tommy to throw it to Zereoue.
Tommy Maddox, trailing by 6 and inside the Jets 10, throws an interception. Fortunately for the Steelers, the Jets roughed the passer. Unfortunately for the Steelers, they didn't rough him hard enough to knock him from the game.
I find myself pulling hard for the Steelers in the absence of all my Steeler-loving homies. I can't really explain why. I feel like I have to represent in their absence.
The African fella claims that Zereoue is open on every play, and that Tommy Maddox just never sees him. He says at one point, "He must think he's a snowman!" I am in a sports bar in West Virginia, sitting next to an African man who's rooting for another African man in a snowstorm in New York. This will probably never happen to me again.
The Steelers are held out of the endzone... and then miss the field goal. Outstanding work, Steelers. The showdown next week against the Chargers looms large in terms of draft pick implications.
And on that note, I'm going to have to bounce. The snow is not relenting, and if I wait until later, I'll be spending the night at the sports bar... which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to worry about my ex-girlfriend being all up on my jock all night. I just don't want to deal with that.
(At this point, I went home... and listened to an Internet radio broadcast of the Chargers/Packers game. What follows is the transcript of an Instant Messenger conversation I had during the game with my man Wilcox, a Cowboys fan in the midst of watching them slap Washington around.)
Wilcox: No Sports Bar?
TheMightyMJD: Had to come home early. Weather.
Wilcox: Oh.
Wilcox: That must suck, especially since Bolts are playing.
TheMightyMJD: I'm listening to them.
TheMightyMJD: The Chargers color commentator is talking about how he needs to get himself in a Paris Hilton video.
Wilcox: Your announcers don't seem like good people.
TheMightyMJD: Danks would love him.
TheMightyMJD: By the way, listening to internet radio broadcasts of NFL games isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds.
Wilcox: That's funny, because it sounds about as much fun as an enema.
TheMightyMJD: Well, I'm not as much of an expert on things going up my ass as you are.
Wilcox: Newman has two picks today. I am wearing my Newman jersey.
TheMightyMJD: That's terrific.
TheMightyMJD: Antonio Gates is having a nice game.
TheMightyMJD: Brees is 9/13.
Wilcox: Impressive.
Wilcox: He's playing better than Q.
TheMightyMJD: Kasim Osgood RULES.
Wilcox: Q!
Wilcox: 5 yard TD run.
TheMightyMJD: Hey, red zone interception Thanks, Drew.
TheMightyMJD: E-LI! E-LI!
Wilcox: You don't like Ben Reallylonglastname as much?
TheMightyMJD: I dunno. Whatever.
Wilcox: I'm sensing hatred.
TheMightyMJD: You are very perceptive.
Wilcox: Why do you hate Reallylonglastname?
TheMightyMJD: I don't hate him.
Wilcox: Dislike?
TheMightyMJD: No. My hate is for Drew Brees.
TheMightyMJD: Fuck Donald Driver. Fuck Brett Favre. Fuck the referees. Fuck you. Fuck your cat.
Wilcox: My cat is alive.
TheMightyMJD: So?
Wilcox: She was thought to be dead at one point.
TheMightyMJD: So, is it a comfort for you to just be a bestialist instead of just a necrophiliac bestialist?
Wilcox: Is this what it's like to be around you when the Chargers lose every week? If so, I feel sorry for your bar buddies.
TheMightyMJD: I may start drinking.
TheMightyMJD: Hey, InsideHoops.com cut off the Rasheed Interview portion of Throwin' Bows.
Wilcox: Oh?
TheMightyMJD: Oh.
Wilcox: Why?
TheMightyMJD: I dunno.
TheMightyMJD: I think I'll e-mail them and ask.
Wilcox: Good idea.
TheMightyMJD: ANTONIO GATES HAS A MASSIVE DONG.
Wilcox: What'd he do?
TheMightyMJD: Caught a long pass.
TheMightyMJD: No one remembers him from his Kent State basketball days.
Wilcox: Well, I'm sure he'll be just as remembered for being a San Diego Chargers receiver.
TheMightyMJD: Do you remember him?
Wilcox: No.
TheMightyMJD: They had a run to the Elite Eight.
TheMightyMJD: 4th down, inside the 20.
Wilcox: You know what CFG would say.
TheMightyMJD: Brees ran for it.
TheMightyMJD: Which I suppose is the best way to keep him from throwing a pick.
TheMightyMJD: Penalty Bolts, illegal man downfield... 2nd and 17. Tremendous.
Wilcox: Lovely.
TheMightyMJD: According to the play-by-play guy, that penalty "muffed them up."
TheMightyMJD: Packers decline, as soon as they saw Brees would be taking the next snap.
TheMightyMJD: Dropped pass.
TheMightyMJD: Antonio Gates has 4 for 111.
Wilcox: My god
TheMightyMJD: And why the fuck are we kicking a field goal...
TheMightyMJD: 17-6.
Wilcox: 3 points is better than a pick in the end zone.
TheMightyMJD: Not really. Because we're not going to win... and if we're not going to win, I'd just assume have something to bitch about.
Wilcox: Don't you have enough?
TheMightyMJD: Good point.
Wilcox: Just think...when the Bolts finally get that elusive Super Bowl title, this will all be the more sweeter.
TheMightyMJD: Thank you, Sargeant Sunshine.
Wilcox: Would you prefer if I pooped all over your team?
TheMightyMJD: Lick me.
TheMightyMJD: Drew Brees, coughs it up on a sack... 1st down, Packers.
Wilcox: Spot?
TheMightyMJD: It took them 44 seconds to go 85 yards right before the half. Does it really matter?
Wilcox: LOL...I suppose not.
Wilcox: Game break just showed the fumble.
Wilcox: If it makes you feel any better, Brees got absolutely nailed on that play.
TheMightyMJD: Was he carted off on a stretcher?
Wilcox: I don't know.
TheMightyMJD: Then don't tease me.
Wilcox: There were about five people wearing white jerseys in his grill.
TheMightyMJD: Yeah, the radio guys mentioned the outstanding protection.
Wilcox: Tim Hasselbeck's passer rating in this game is 0.0.
TheMightyMJD: INTERFUCKINGCEPTED.
TheMightyMJD: Undrafted free agent from MOTHERFUCKING MAINE, Stephen Cooper, comes down with the ball. I've never heard of that guy. He's gotta be white.
TheMightyMJD: I gotta call Danks.
TheMightyMJD: Chargers play-by-play guy is comparing Drew Brees to a cat coughing up a hairball. I don't know why.
Wilcox: Will this all be in the Smorgasbord?
TheMightyMJD: I dunno.
Wilcox: Your analysis of the Chargers announcer is funny.
Wilcox: Did CFG appear today?
TheMightyMJD: I'm afraid not.
Wilcox: Terance Newman...with his third pick.
TheMightyMJD: Wow.
Wilcox: Terence Newman...has a huge cock.
TheMightyMJD: I'm sure he does.
TheMightyMJD: The Chargers color guy (ironic, considering he's about the whitest bastard in the universe) was talking earlier about how offensive linemen have the worst bodies, and he knows because he showered with them. Wide receivers have the best bodies, and he didn't know what any kickers looked like naked, regrettably. It was a little... well, unusual.
Wilcox: This...must go into the Smorgasbord.
TheMightyMJD: I just mention it because he might be the right guy to verify your analysis of Terrence Newman.
TheMightyMJD: TOUCH... DOWN.
TheMightyMJD: Brees to LT.
Wilcox: SAN DIEGO...
TheMightyMJD: are you waiting for me to say, "Super Chargers?"
Wilcox: Yes.
Wilcox: But, you didn't.
TheMightyMJD: DAVID BOSTON 2-POINT CONVERSION.
TheMightyMJD: Wow, it's a 3-point game.
Wilcox: SAN DIEGO...
TheMightyMJD: Stop it. It's not happening.
Wilcox: You are an awful human being.
TheMightyMJD: Antonio Gates has had the 1st 100-yard receiving game for a rookie Charger since 1989.
TheMightyMJD: By the way, I just checked... Stephen Cooper is not white.
Wilcox: Stephen Cooper is your colour guy?
TheMightyMJD: No, he's a man of color. He's the guy from Maine that had the INT.
Wilcox: Oh.
Wilcox: Troy Hambrick has been playing well today.
Wilcox: He has 39 yards on this drive alone. Normally, if he gets that many yards in a game, it's high.
TheMightyMJD: I'm really happy for him
TheMightyMJD: Brees, 19/28, 220... 1 TD, 1 INT.
TheMightyMJD: Come on Drew. Suck less.
TheMightyMJD: LT TO THE HOUSE.
TheMightyMJD: HOUSE.
TheMightyMJD: HOUSE.
TheMightyMJD: HOUSE.
TheMightyMJD: And... touchdown Packers. That didn't take long.
TheMightyMJD: It's always good to give up 30-second touchdown drives after scoring go-ahead touchdowns.
TheMightyMJD: About two hours ago, the Chargers color guy made a joke about who would get their next sack first, Marcellus Wiley, or some local grocery store workers who were on strike... and right now, he's still talking about. He's so excited about his own lame joke. If he wasn't a Chargers guy, I'd hate the man. I might hate him anyway.
TheMightyMJD: By the way, this is going to be far less interesting Smorgasbord material if you actually bother to respond every now and then.
TheMightyMJD: And Drew Brees, game on the line, down 3 in the 4th quarter... coughs up a fumble at his own 1 yard line. E-LI! E-LI!
TheMightyMJD: 2 Packer TDs have occurred since we last spoke... and MJD is out.
After the game, the Chargers radio station advertised a contest where a kid could win a chance to "Take a Charger to School." I'm just wondering... which Charger, and for what? There are about 3 Chargers that anyone outside of San Diego has heard of. What would I do with, say... Reche Caldwell? Have him carry my books? If I took OT Damion "False Start" McIntosh, he'd always be leaving before him I told him to go somewhere. If I selected CB Sammy Davis and asked him to just follow me around, I'm not sure he'd be able to stick with me.
That's all I have for you. See you next week.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 2:35 PM 0 comments
Monday, December 08, 2003
| Week 14 - 2003/2004 |
I had a suspicion that it might be difficult to get the Chargers game on today. Apparently, there are people in the world who don't feel like San Diego vs. Detroit is a big game. Go figure. But when next April rolls around and everyone's wondering who's going to be drafted #1 overall, IT WON'T SEEM SO SMALL, THEN, WILL IT, BITCH? No one is buying this argument today, however. I do give the sports bar props for telling me that they can't put the game on because their "satellite card is frozen," a blatant lie so they don't have to say, "Your team sucks, loser."
Our table has been stolen by a group of about 82 people, and since I don't feel like fighting more than 70 people at the moment, Danks and I take a seat in the back. Terry Bradshaw is babbling on FOX's pregame show, putting Jim Haslett in about 4 different jobs next year, despite the fact that he's got four years left on his Saints contract.
Danks is still glowing about his 3+ hours spent sitting next to Crazy Fish Guy last week, and our conversation turns to speculation about what he does for a living. I guess that he's a multi-millionaire, his family fortune having been made in the ladies' plus size undergarments industry, and now he's just laying low and gambling it all away. If there's any left of that fortune, I dream that he will bequeath it to me.
Speak of the devil, and Crazy Fish Guy shall appear. He comes over and starts talking to Danks about the Patriots/Fish game, and it's like they're old friends. Friendly AFC East Rivals... and caring and supportive lovers. It's very sweet.
A waitress comes to the back room and finds us and says, "Hey, you guys want your table?" The oafs that were there before have gone, and she made a trip back to tell us. That's a beautiful thing.
So we're back in the front room now. The games on the menu are... Cincinnati/Baltimore, Oakland/Pittsburgh (and San Diego/Detroit is bad?), and Seattle/Minnesota.
Danks and A.J. are sitting next to each other as they go head-to-head in a fantasy football playoff game. The day is set up for some legendary trash talk, but it seems that neither of them are manly enough to start saying anything.
I know I said the Steelers/Raiders game was bad earlier, but that was before I remembered that we'd all get to see the Maddux/Mirer showdown that we've been waiting for all season.
The CBS commentators can't stop talking about what Bill Callahan said last week, when he called the Raiders "the dumbest team in America." I just don't know why there's this much controversy about it. One, limiting the field of comparison to America makes it an understatement. I'm sure most worldwide teams in any sport, in any age group, are smarter than the Raiders. And two, the fact that the Raiders are dumb... what was he expecting? Did he expect film sessions to be like Mensa meetings? Why the anger? That's like being elected to Congress, and showing up and saying, "Dammit, everyone here is white." Well, yeah... what did you expect?
Kordell connects with some anonymous Bears receiver for a long TD pass, and if the Bears win today, they actually have some playoff hope. How amusing would it be for Kordell to make the playoffs in Chicago while Pittsburgh wins 6 games?
Score update: San Diego 7, Detroit 0. I explode in celebration. People seem confused and annoyed.
In the first quarter, Washington's total offense is roughly equal to the length of my cock.
Baltimore is owning the Bengals in the first half. The score is still relatively close, but the Baltimore defense is locking down Jon Kitna, and Jamal Lewis is running hard. I hate the Ravens. I wish they weren't good.
Randy Moss is just not fair. The Seahawks are powerless to stop him. I wonder how many Vikings huddles have sounded something like, "So, Randy... you just run real fast, turn around at about the goal line and catch it, OK?" "Okay."
There's a commercial for 60 Minutes, and tonight's show is about the Abercrombie & Fitch company, possibly doing more to destroy any moral fiber left in America than any other company. Naked teenagers, racism, tremendous. Thanks for your contribution to society, you dirty money-grubbing whores.
A big man for the Ravens is laying on the ground. There are a lot of Ravens fans in the house, and they're all kinda quiet right now, and without the Chargers, I'm overcome with boredom, so... I start yelling for him to quit faking it and just get up. No one seems amused except my buddy Chris, who's also reminding me that he could be seriously hurt. He's right, he could be, I don't know. Eh, whatever. I keep yelling, "JUST GET UP, BITCH."
Deuce McAllister has his helmet popped off in the backfield, and then still goes for about a 7-yard gain. I don't think I had ever seen his face before. His helmet came off, and defenders starting running in the other direction. He has what you might call... an unsightly grill.
It's now 14-0 Bolts. You know, I'm glad they're winning, I guess... but if I can't watch it, I'd just assume they lost and got the better draft pick. Really, how much joy are they bringing me today? It looks like I'm going to need Atlanta to win tonight so we don't lose pace.
Rick Mirer's halftime numbers: 3/11, 20 yards, 1 INT. I wonder if the Patriots made the right decision, taking Bledsoe over Mirer.
Snoop Dogg has broken another cultural barrier and brought us all closer together: he's become the first gangsta rapper to appear in an AOL commercial. Way to tear down those barriers, Snoop... from now on, I may just call him Jackie Robinson. What a brutal commercial. For some reason, Snoop being in an AOL commercial bothers me way more than him producing a full-length porn DVD. It's just sad. It's like watching Joe Montana play for the Chiefs.
The Minnesota punter drops the snap and just takes off running up the middle, easily picking up the first down. Seattle LB Isiah Kacyvenski runs downfield alongside him, about 3 feet away, for 15 yards before he realizes that someone next to him has the ball. That's probably not going on his personal highlight reel. Great camera shot.
Hines Ward catches a ball downfield for the Steelers, and then laterals to... either Jay Riemersma and Dan Krieder, I'm not sure, one of the big white guys who's number ends in 5 for the Steelers. Bill Cowher yells at Hines, kinda laughing, "DON'T YOU DO THAT!" If the game were close, I don't think Bill would be laughing so much, I think his foot would be broken off in Hines' ass.
The Steelers/Raiders game has become a romp, so CBS switches us to the Titans/Colts game, where Steve McNair is going to need to work some magic.
Detroit has pulled to within 7 of the Bolts.
A Bills fan sits down at the table next to us. Danks holds his lighter to him as if he's going to set him on fire. I wish his jacket was made of some strange new highly flammable material, just so I could see Danks' face when the thing went up.
Bruce Smith records his record-setting sack for the Redskins. Yay. His recent quest for that record has been obscene, stealing playing time from someone who's probably more deserving at this point, complaining to the owner that he wants more playing time, all because he wants his name to be in the record books for an achievement to which he has no rightful claim. The NFL's all-time sack leader is Deacon Jones, but since the NFL didn't start keeping that sack until '82, he gets left out. Congratulations, Bruce Smith, paper sack champion. Go retire.
The Titans are getting the ball back with about 50 seconds on the clock, no timeouts, and they need a field goal. Justin McCareins, however, fumbles. Sad way to end that game. Steve McNair, in his postgame press conference, had nothing but good things to say about Justin McCareins, and how if McCareins didn't make some of the plays he had made earlier in the game, they wouldn't even have been in a position to make a run at the end. Nice move by McNair. That's what a good teammate and leader does. McCareins had to appreciate that.
The Patriots/Dolphins game is underway, and it's not yet clear how the weather will affect the Patriots 4-yards-and-under passing game. The snow is piled up around the stadium and the bleachers looks like they're still full of snow. It may not be a lot of fun for the players or the fans, but it looks awesome on TV.
Shawn Bryson, who Danks started in a fantasy football playoff game, had 8 catches for 42 yards. Odd, I didn't even know he had been traded to the Patriots.
Crazy Fish Guy is sitting behind us, and in a bit of an upset, he's talking to a woman. She's got puffy bleach-blonde hair... I dunno, she kinda looks like an ex-Brooklyn hooker that's found God. For some reason, I can picture her going through Crazy Fish Guy's wallet as he's passed out asleep in a cheap motel. Damn my imagination. Anyway, I don't know who this woman is, or who she's with, but she's getting an earful about the Dolphins. I'd imagine that if this lady doesn't know what "the over" is, she's probably pretty confused. Oh, and I've also decided to refer to her as Crazy Fish Ho.
Dave Wannstedt, his tan, and his aqua and orange knit cap look absurd.
The Patriots get an early field goal from Adam Vinatieri, and looking at the field, and the complete discomfort of the Dolphins, I tell Danks that that's all the points they'll need. It's over. That 3 might as well be 45.
You may remember another Dolphins fan who I once theorized was Crazy Fish Guy's illegitimate son. He's sitting a couple spots away from Crazy Fish Guy. I'm guessing that Crazy Fish Guy made his son go sit somewhere else while he tried to spit game at Crazy Fish Ho.
And now a brief pause as I go watch WVU whoop Maryland's ass in basketball, just weeks before they also whoop their ass in football...
...alright, we had a little overtime situation there, and I missed about the entire first half of the 4 o'clock games. The Mounties, however, did pull out an overtime victory. I did manage to see Jamie Nails of the Dolphins have his helmet cracked open by Ted Johnson. Really, the thing just literally split in half. That had to be just a little bit frightening. After the game, Ted Johnson had these comments: "(Nails) looked at me like, `Is that the way it's going to be?' And we were like, `Yeah, that's the way it's going to be.'" Pretty manly, for a Patriot.
As I return to my table, it appears that Crazy Fish Ho has left. That's too bad. But there is always the possibility that she's just going to get their cheap hotel room ready... wine, incense, vibrating bed, that sort of thing. Danks gives her directions as she leaves.
Someone is interviewing Donovan McNabb after their 36-10 mauling of the Cowboys, and after Steve McNair, I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have as the quarterback of my team (sorry Dougie). Through the whole year, when the Eagles were down, and now that they're up, he's remained calm, had confidence in himself in his teammates, never got too low, never got too high, and the Eagles are playing their best football at the right time.
Of course, that's all just a little bit of social concern on my part, and my desire to prop up a black quarterback.
Watching some halftime highlights, I see that Warren Sapp had another touchdown today. I hate him more and more with each week. For me, the list of the most vile human beings on earth goes 1) Osama, 2) Sapp, 3) Saddam.
A commercial for a Gateway computer flashes the words, "Respect musicians and their copyrights" across the screen for no apparent reason. How nice. Why don't they tell all of our popular musicians and record companies to respect the general public by not giving people like Kid Rock record deals. I'm supposed to respect his copyrights? Why? Because someone spent 8 minutes writing a song for him, he performed it in a cowboy hat and a wifebeater, and now it's a hit? Yeah, that's completely respectable.
Man, I get bitter when the Chargers aren't on. My apologies. To you, that is, not Kid Rock.
Rodney Harrison absolutely mauls Jay Fiedler and forces a fumble that should about end the game. If you're a quarterback and you turn to your blindside, about the last person in the world you want to see right there is Rodney Harrison. Patriots recover. The Dolphins are without hope.
Some guy walks in from the bowling alley and asks us, "Did they announce who's playing in the Super Bowl yet?" No, pal, they didn't, but check back in a few months.
Somehow, Paris Hilton has come up in conversation, and Danks says, "I would be proud to be in a sex video with her. I'd want all of you guys to see it." Eh, no thanks. I do anxiously await the release of the Danks/Crazy Fish Guy video, however.
Deion Branch catches a pass about 20 yards downfield for the Patriots. And then a couple of plays later, he does it again. Wow, Tom Brady is really overthrowing those four yard dump-offs.
The score is still 3-0, and I turn around and say to Crazy Fish Guy, "I hope you didn't take the over." And he goes, "HELL NO, I TOOK THE UNDER!" I just can't make that sound as amusing as it was in person. Crazy Fish Guy is awesome.
Jay Fiedler throws a touchdown pass to Tedy Bruschi, and it's now 10-0 Pats. The New England fans are all throwing handfuls of snow up into the air, and on TV, it just looks awesome. Great visual (courtesy of [stolen from, actually] the Sports Frog).
Y'know, if I was an NFL free agent, and Buffalo wanted me... I don't think I could sign with them, just on the off chance that I'd have to see Sam Adams in the shower.
I feel bad for Junior Seau. The poor guy goes to a new team, and they do have an excellent defense, but their offense just can't score enough points to win games. That's gotta be hard for him to get used to. Oh, wait. Never mind.
Clinton Portis gives a game ball to his mother on the sidelines. Very sweet. Portis looks just like his mother. And he doesn't look feminine at all. Which isn't such a good thing for Mrs. Portis.
Patriots fans are throwing the snow once again. It looks like a lot of fun to be there right now... I bet all the people who went home at halftime because their feet were cold are now regretting it. The Patriots are pretty impressive, for a team that (with the exception of Rodney Harrison) lacks good players. They play excellent defense, and their offense somehow manages to prance their way up and down the field, four yard completion by four yard completion. The AFC playoffs are shaping up to be very intriguing. Indy, Tennessee, KC, New England, Baltimore... all of those teams are playing very very good football right now.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 2:30 PM 0 comments
Monday, December 01, 2003
| Week 13 - 2003/2004 |
Well, my buddy Danks has pulled off a neat little trick this week. He's managed to embarrass me before I'm even in the building. In the parking lot, I see his new ride... and there's a "Notre Dame Mom" sticker on the back windshield. I don't think, if I even tried to make up something embarrassing about Danks, that I could top that.
The CBS pregame show has snippets of Lawrence Taylor's 60 Minutes interview, where he talked about his love of hookers and crack, and Boomer Esiason is just outraged. He says something to the effect of "That is not the NFL I played in, blah blah blah, I have my kids asking me what crack cocaine is, I don't need to hear this, blah blah blah." Sorry, Boomer, that was the NFL you played in, you just didn't get invited to the cool parties, dork. But seriously, a lot of players in the NFL have used and/or continue to use drugs. I don't think I'm going out on a limb there. So why turn a blind eye to it? Why does Boomer want to pretend it doesn't exist, and how does that help the situation in any way? Deion, appropriately, lit him up, and in my opinion, embarrassed the man.
Speaking of Deion, he explained today why he never ever picks the Chargers to win. It seems that someone poured a beer on him once in San Diego, and he's never forgotten it because he's never tasted alcohol. Yeah, neither has Vin Baker.
Crazy Fish Guy makes a surprise appearance. I wasn't expecting him because the Fish played on Thursday, but... here he is. And he's not wearing Dolphins gear, either... he doesn't quite look himself. Like Superman without the cape. He walks in and takes a look around the place, and he's eyeing up our table. I can just tell he's thinking of coming over. I'm trying to avoid eye contact. He goes to the bar. Nice.
The early games on the menu are Steelers/Bengals, Rams/Vikings, and Ravens/49ers. I'm sorry to say that Danks has left the table to go watch the Patriots game, which is only on at the bar. For those of you who were looking forward to laughing more at Danks, I apologize for the inconvenience. Hang tight, though.
Bengals Rookie WR Kelley Washington runs a simple little out-and-up pattern, which thoroughly confuses Steelers corner Chad Scott. Touchdown Bengals. The ball was even under thrown, Washington had to wait for it, and Scott still wasn't within 5 yards of him. There are people in this bar that could've covered that better. Some of them are over 40. And have one leg.
It's 17-7 Rams, early. What happened to the Vikings? Does anyone else remember when they were good? They're in the early stages of what could be a historic meltdown.
Big Tom Brady is like 11 of 11 early in the Patriots/Colts game, which would be impressive if more than 2 of those throws actually had to leave the backfield. I find Tom Brady highly annoying. The NFL should institute a rule requiring any playoff team to have one good offensive player.
Daunte Culpepper breaks off a 30-yard run for the Vikings. It really is impressive to see that huge ass moving at that speed. The last time the earth saw something that big moving that fast, it hit an iceberg, and Leonardo DiCaprio made a movie about it.
Jon Kitna (the benefit of Chad Scott in the opposing backfield notwithstanding) is really playing excellent football. Is the plan of handing the reins to Carson Palmer next year still in place? It would be hard to bench a guy playing as efficiently as he is. And it's not a Tom Brady or Brad Johnson type of efficient, either. He throws downfield often, and picks up large chunks or yardage, and does it without turning the ball over. I'm a Jon Kitna fan.
Chad Scott, once again, just embarrasses the entire profession of cornerback. He bit on a Chad Johnson fake in the endzone that left him about 6 yards away from the ball. I mean, the endzone isn't that big, it's hard to lose a guy by that much.
Jeff Garcia... is not having his finest game. It seems like every time I look over to that game, someone wearing purple catches a Jeff Garcia pass. I'm really hoping that this QB controversy in San Francisco escalates. I hope Garcia hides out in the film room, waiting for Rattay... and knocks him out with a big roll of film, and then holds a shank to his ear and says, "You're gonna swallow what I give you to swallow... or I'm gonna sink all nine inches of this into your ear."
CBS shows all of Tom Brady's 16 completions at halftime, and about three of them traveled more than four yards. Ryan Leaf could be making these throws. Crazy Fish Guy could be making these throws.
Since it's halftime, I'm reminded of the halftime show I witnessed on Thanksgiving during the Cowboys/Dolphins game. I had never in my life been quite so embarrassed to be an American. That country singer who does the Ford Truck commercials was singing some song about how great it is that the United States is bombing Iraq and Afghanistan. You know, my beliefs about the justification of the war aren't really relevant, but the fact of the matter is that a war occurred, innocent people suffered and died, and we make halftime shows out of it, complete with balloons, fireworks, and 6th-grade girls in Dallas Cowboys cheerleader outfits. I thought about dedicated an entire column to it, but by the time I finished it, I'd have had to go and find that Ford Truck douchefuck and beat him within an inch of his life with a ball-peen hammer.
Fox gives us some crowd shots in the Vikings/Rams game, and my buddy Chris remarks, "They've shown like three women in the St. Louis crowd, and... well, St. Louis is not the place to find a woman." My buddy Sammy theorizes that Brenda Warner may actually be the most attractive woman in St. Louis.
It's as if they've decided to turn back the clock a few years in the Vikes/Rams game. Marshall Faulk is healthy and productive, and the Vikings D is soft and weak.
The Steelers/Bengals game is coming down to the wire. There's 1:30 left, and the Steelers need a touchdown drive.
A guy for the Rams made a catch with his knees. I don't know how he managed to do it, but... he was rolling around, the ball came to him, and he squeezed it with his thighs. The referees refused to rule it a catch. If players aren't allowed to catch between their legs, isn't that discriminatory against wide receivers who don't have arms? That is clearly in violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Hines Ward gets kneed in the back on one play, and then takes a big shot to the ribs on the next play. He is clearly in pain, but there's just no time for whining. The Steelers need a touchdown. On the next play, Hines finds the endzone, and is helped off the field, immediately to the trainer. Hines Ward has a serious pair of balls. A very manly display.
But it takes the Bengals about four plays to march down the field and score the game-winning TD. So yeah, Hines, thanks for sacrificing your health. Here's another loss. Have a nice day.
New England's considerable lead has melted to 4, when the Colts have four plays to get in from the two yard line. Some very weak play-calling and offensive line play by the Colts allows the Patriots and Big Tom Brady to hang on. With all the weapons the Colts have, and 3rd down, the best they can come up with is a fade to a white guy? Come on now.
The Chargers game is underway, and Dante Hall takes the kickoff. I've grown to hate Dante Hall. He's tackled inside his own 30, and I yell for someone to kick him as he lays prone on the ground. Immediately after that, the Chargers are called for a personal foul, despite no one doing anything to warrant one. I feel like Johnny Grier heard me and flagged me.
Quentin Jammer intercepts Trent Green on the first play from scrimmage. Green returns to the sidelines to give Dick Vermeil a backrub.
Danks returns to the table, after having just spent three hours sitting next to Crazy Fish Guy. Perhaps for the 2nd week in a row. Crazy Fish Guy, apparently, really does have money on every game being played every Sunday. Wow. He also isn't a master football tactician, it seems. He was recommending to Danks that the Patriots go for it and 4th down at their own 20 in the first half, and go for two when the score is tied. See, this just goes to show you... there is no rhyme or reason to betting in the NFL. If Crazy Fish Guy can do OK, then, that's hard proof that no amount of skill or knowledge is going to give anyone an advantage over a bookie.
My buddies and I, inexplicably, get excited when a referee makes an "unabated to the quarterback" call. The sound isn't on the Bolts game, but we see a Chiefs player go streaking towards Doug Flutie before the snap. We are filled with eager anticipation as we read Johnny Grier's lips... YES! IT WAS UNABATED! WOOHOO!
The Chargers suck. Just in case you had forgotten.
We are absolutely powerless to stop Priest Holmes, in fact, we are even powerless to stop Derrick Blaylock. There is just nothing we can do. It's like Priest gets an automatic 4 yards just for touching the ball.
14-0 Chiefs, and Doug Flutie throws an interception. By the way, next week, I'm considering skipping a road trip to see some Top-20 college basketball, just so I can stay here and watch the Chargers/Lions game. If you know of any foundations out there that can help people like me, please let me know.
Our waitress leaves, and tells us that our new waitress is Erin... which is the name of my girlfriend. Excuse me, EX-GIRLFRIEND, after I saw her whoring around last week. As it turns out, there's a new Erin, a different girl. I might have to run some game on her, just to make the old Erin jealous.
LaDainian Tomlinson scores a touchdown... and somehow, we are in this game.
Tim Hasselbeck, new Redskins quarterback... is just not an attractive man. Neither is Kelly Holcomb. Holcomb looks like a 12-year-old recovering alcoholic.
I'm just wondering when some referee is going to develop a sense of humor about the instant replay ruling explanation. I want to hear a guy say, in his clear and sensible officiating voice, "After further review... I don't know what the hell I was thinking. The guy clearly had two feet in bounds, but... well, I put some lumber down on this game, and I thought I could get away with some bullshit. I am sorry. Ever since my wife left me, I've made a series of bad decisions. That explains the new tattoo, the massive 900-number phone bill, and the fact that I murdered a gas station attendant this morning. First down."
Fox has a very touching music video montage of some Tim Hasselbeck highlights, set to a light and breezy Sheryl Crow tune. Fox really knows how to get people fired up for football. So many times, after listening to Sheryl Crow, I will spontaneously scream, "TEAR HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF."
I'm noticing that this might be a short edition of the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord, and Chris suggests that I start making up stories about how he jumped up on the table, took his clothes off, and started slapping Bengals fans with his cock. I considered it, actually... and then I thought it would just be funnier if I said that he recommended that. Also, that way, he looks like the fucked up guy, not me.
About this time, the new waitress comes over and asks Chris if he wants to order any food. This, despite the fact that he ordered about 10 minutes ago. New Erin has been extremely busy, it seems, and is having a rough day. She leans down on me, resting her arm on my shoulder, laughing at herself, and says, "Can I go home?" And I'm thinking to myself, "Yeah... WITH ME." I think this will turn out to be the first tender moment in our young relationship.
On just pure talent alone, David Boston is the 2nd best receiver in the NFL. However, when you add in things like emotional stability, work ethic, and willingness to sacrifice for the team, he is the 208th best receiver in the NFL.
In regards to the potential new girlfriend/waitress, Danks suggests that looking at a girl's pupils can tell you how attracted she is to you. The bigger the pupil, the more attraction there is. Chris points out that it could also mean she was tripping on 'shrooms. In light of the recent happenings with Chris's order, it's a possibility. Danks says that if I ask her if she's digging my action, she'll so, "No, I'm just tripping my balls off. You look like Skeletor."
I just saw two people engaging in foreplay in a bathroom... in a cell phone commercial. What a tremendous little culture we've carved out for ourselves.
Dougie finds a wide open David Boston in the back of the endzone... and we've got a one-possession game. It's 21-17. Holy fuck.
Chris and I engage in a small argument about who's gunshot wound was manlier, Terrence Kiel's, or Joey Porter's. Kiel is the clear answer. I know I've mentioned this before, but Kiel took one in the abdomen and one in the leg in a carjacking. Porter was hanging around outside of a club and took a stray in the ass. Really, he probably milked the whole thing for all it was worth. If it was me, I'd have just pulled the bullet out, poured some peroxide over the wound, and went on with my day.
My ex-girlfriend is running around, playfully chasing a little kid. It's kinda cute, but not cute enough for that harlot to regain her spot in my heart. I'm just wondering if the kid is mine. He kinda has my eyebrows. If they were blonde.
I've gotta give props to the Chargers secondary today. They have been outstanding.
A Doug Flutie turnover leads to a quick Chiefs TD, and... I am no longer happy. It was a great turnover, too. Doug was in the shotgun, and the ball came at him, and he just swatted it away like it was going to burn him.
And on the ensuing possession, Doug marches us down the field, throws complete in the endzone to someone wearing red pants. The game appears to be over.
If the Saints/Skins game gives us one more crowd shot of Tim Hasselbeck's wife, I'm going to... well, I'll probably be thinking about her as I masturbate. Someone on the Fox production team is just amazed that someone as unattractive as Tim Hasselbeck could be married to someone that attractive, and he keeps showing it to boost his confidence.
Not interested in seeing the obligatory late meaningless Chargers TD, it is once again time to call it a day.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 2:25 PM 0 comments
