Monday, January 19, 2004
| Championship Sunday - 2003/2004 |
So the football action isn't starting until 3 o'clock today, but this could be the last Smorgasbord and I don't wanna shortchange anyone. I'm still getting there at 12:30 to take in the Spurs/Celtics game. Some of you may not be down with pro hoops (and judging from the number of hits on the "Throwin' 'Bows" articles, most of you aren't... fucking pricks), but you're just going to have to deal. There won't be a ton of actual basketball updates... just consider it a pregame show.
I walk in, of course, to an empty bar... and my ex-girlfriend is sitting at the bar enjoying a meal by her lonesome. She waves and gives me a bubbly "Hi!" and I smile and return it... but she can fucking forget about it. The Good Ship MJD has sailed, lady.
Actually, I'm in love with her again. But I've always wanted to say "The Good Ship MJD has sailed." We're back together again. Touching conclusion to the Smorgasbords, is it not?
The ABC Hoops pregame is live from Times Square... and there's an absolutely massive advertisement in Times Square for My Little Pony™. I had no idea My Little Pony™ was back in. Man, those were some cute little ponies, weren't they? By far, the most oddly attractive little pony toys ever created... I'm not saying that I was ever scolded as a child for forcing G.I. Joe and My Little Pony™ into compromising sexual positions or anything, but hey... those were some cute ponies.
It's in my head, so I'm going to share... Suga Suga, how ya get so fly? Suga Suga, how ya get so flyyyyy... God, that song is so brutal. What a childish and weak little song. Why is it that music is the only profession in America where the worse you actually are, the more likely you are to succeed...? Whoever "wrote" that thing and thought they made a musical accomplishment needs to be beaten savagely with a bag of hammers. It was playing in the car on the way home, and it's suck in my head, and on the odd chance that you're the guy who called "Open House Party" to request that song, you are a total fucking loser. Loser. Understand it... you are a loser.
Bowling is on one of the TVs now... and there's a sign that says, "PBA is A-OK!" What kind of a person makes a sign that says, "PBA is A-OK!"?
My man Nate is in the house this week. Nate's not much of a football fan, but... he's a fun guy to hang out with. He races some little Supercross Bikes or something, I dunno... he partakes in some pretend sport on a motorbike. And he's insisted that the Supercross race be on one of the TVs here today. I watch for like an hour, and not one single dude pops a wheelie. Weak.
We're hearing Top 40 jukebox music in the bar right now... only for football do we get to hear the commentary. And just as Danks comments that Ricky Davis of the Celtics looks like Dre from Outkast... "I Like the Way You Move" comes on. That was just odd.
My man Chris shows up... and begins drinking immediately. Despite the fact that we'll be here in excess of 10 hours today.
Speaking of NBA players who look like celebrities. Jiri Welsch looks like Drew Barrymore with a different hairstyle.
Chris says it's his dream to get rich enough to purchase the University of Maine so he can make their mascot "The Gay Lobsters." I recommend a couple of Lobster mascots on the sidelines, running around with pink triangles on their claws, making out after touchdowns. I think we're on to something here.
The Celtics get worked over... and kickoff is approaching. This is the best football weekend of the year. Clearly and without question. I'm sure over the course of this week you'll hear more about why I hate the fucking Super Bowl. I actually boycotted it last year. Didn't watch a second of it.
Hey, I wonder what Bryant Gumbel was like back when he was black.
Just as the AFC Championship Game kicks off... Chris is talking about playing softball with a gymnast. I have no friends.
Stats on the Patriots first drive: 13 plays, 65 yards, 7:11 off the clock, 126 times Evans said the words, "I hate the fucking Patriots."
I suppose I should give some background there. Chris and I have been highly critical of the Patriots (their offense in particular) over the past couple of seasons. Offensively... they just aren't a team to be respected. They do not have a manly running game. They do not throw the ball downfield. Their offense is built around the 3 and 4 yard pass that is always open and just very very weak. As Chris said today, it's like playing Madden against someone who throws screen passes all day. Also, if you look back at most of the key games they've won in the playoffs, they usually get some weird thing to happen during the game or at the end of the game. It's true... the tuck rule. What happened at the end of today's game. The AFC Championship game against the Steelers they had some highly improbable plays. It's just difficult to respect them, but it wouldn't be fair to say all this and not mention that they are superbly coached and have an outstanding defense. So there. That's pretty much the story of Chris's hatred... and it's just getting started.
For whatever it's worth, I thought Tom Brady was very impressive on the opening drive, and not in a weak 4-yard-pass kind of a way. I'm also slightly in favor of the Patriots today because of Rodney Harrison, a long-time MJD Favorite who was flipped over and done dry by the Chargers organization. I like seeing him get his chance at a ring, because I think it's clear that it was never going to fucking happen in San Diego.
My man Blohmmer has shown an uncanny ability to pour a beer and get the head to rise well above the top of the mug, and then just as it rises to its apex and threatens to spill, retreats safely back into the glass... it's a thing of beauty. Chris attempts it... and he looks like a small child trying to pour their own Kool-Aid for the first time in their young life. It isn't pretty.
Rodney, by the way, had like five tackles and in interception on the opening drive. He's one of the few guys that I would pay to watch football. I'm enjoying watching a defense and a defensive coordinator that actually knows how to use him.
"I hate the fucking Patriots." - Chris, for the 319th time.
And to this point in the game, Tom Brady has thrown two long passes... and both have nearly been intercepted. Tom Brady is very good in a lot of ways, but if it's a pass longer than 4 yards... he's about 23rd on the list of guys you want throwing it for you.
My man Jim makes his customary 2nd quarter entrance. Jim also wants to drink, but once again... has forgotten his wallet. Jim did drink, and I can't go into details, but the words "weed reimbursement" and "herbal compensation" were being thrown around the table.
It's 10-0 Pats, and Peyton throws his 2nd pick. Uh-oh...
On a 4th down play in the 1st half, a Colts defender busts through the line, and is clearly and blatantly held by a Patriots offensive lineman. No call... and they pick up the first down. Huge break for the Pats.
"Fuckin' Patriots. I fuckin' hate 'em." - Chris.
Y'know, it just dawned on me... I'm not going to see Crazy Fish Guy for about another 8 months. 8 months, no Crazy Fish Guy... I'm having a difficult time coming to terms with this. So if you happen to know Crazy Fish Guy... please click the "contact" link at the top of the page and let me know how I can harass him at home.
So, this Colts guy is back to punt... and in case you missed any and all pre-game talk over the past week, let me fill you in: He has not punted a football since he was six years old. I'm predicting a pulled hammy on this effort...
...and as it turns out, the punter wasn't the one who was rusty, but it was the long snapper. Snapped it right over his head. Safety for the Pats.
"They get the fuckin' luckiest, gayest BULLSHIT." - Chris, becoming angrier and drunker by the minute.
Lonely Blue-Haired Colts fan... is leaving at the half. There are few things sadder to look at than a blue-haired guy who just watched his team be abused. And how he's leaving. Lonely Blue-Haired Colts fan, we hardly knew ye.
A teacher from high school who once told my friends Jim and A.J. that they were worthless human beings and would never amount to anything has been spotted in the bar. I didn't really know the guy, but... I dunno, something about the day makes me not adverse to the idea of kicking an old man down a flight of stairs.
Alright, the Patriots mascot guy... is gay. I don't say this to insult the man, but... look at him. He is clearly homosexual. I think we should all applaud the Patriots organization for taking this progressive step towards equality.
There are hundreds of people packed into this bar today... and it's obvious that about 9 of them have any serious interest in football. As the Colts line up for a kick return, someone behind me asks, "WHERE'S 'HE HATE ME'?" Um, I'm guessing he's probably somewhere near Lincoln Financial Field right now, assface.
Ty Law records another pick... and right now, I'm just happy for my man Danks. Peyton Manning has no answers for Bill Belichick's D.
"I hate the fuckin' Patriots." - Chris, angrier and drunker than before, and getting furious with me for being happy for Danks.
The Patriots get a key first down on some incredibly lucky deflection catch. Chris, seething with anger and turning a few different colors, says, "I bet the commentators are talking about what great focus and concentration he had."
4th quarter now, the Colts get an interception in the endzone... and it's all on you right now, Peyton.
On a 4th and 13 for the Colts, the tactical football genius behind me calls for Peyton Manning to run a quarterback draw.
CBS zooms in for a shot of a Pats cheerleader... and wow, she's got a huge nose. Attractive girl, probably very sweet and a terrific cook, but... damn, that's a blowhole. Her nose could start at free safety for at least 10 NFL teams. It deserves an invite to the combine, at least.
Chris is seriously angry right now. Not like unemotionally-involved sports fan anger that will be gone in ten minutes, but he's about as mad as the Samuel Jackson character in Changing Lanes. His anger kinda puts a damper on the mood of the table. For most of the 4th quarter, everyone is fairly quiet.
2:00 to play, the Colts have 2 timeouts on the ball on the 20. Do you want to be a man, Peyton Manning? Now is the time.
Guy at the table next to us yells, "All the sudden, I'm a bigger Colts fan than I am a Giants fan!" I admire his hardcore loyalty. He was wearing a Steelers hat, by the way.
The Colts are robbed on what clearly should have been two defensive holding calls at the end of the game. Clearly.
"___." - Chris, too angry to speak, silently wishing that bad things would happen to Danks.
The Pats take the ball back to run out the clock, and someone yells, "Call a timeout that you don't have!" I think it actually might've been Bill Callahan.
Lots of Eagles fans showing up... you can tell by the increase in cologne and decrease in overall IQ in the room. I think we can all agree that Eagles fans are pretty annoying... certainly a few notches higher on the evolutionary chain than Raiders fan, but still... bordering on subhuman. We're all going to be loud (and drunk) fake-ass Panthers fans today, and just see what happens.
A guy in a Giants hat starts a "E-A-G-L-E-S" chant... Ah, loyalty.
Chris continues to try and have a pretty beer pour with a head that rises above the top of the glass but doesn't spill... but he just can't do it. Every time, he either just tries to put in one drop at a time, or ends up spilling about four ounces of beer on the table.
The atmosphere in getting charged in here. Lots of anticipation and excitement. Eagles fans are plentiful and ready to be loud, but... I think a lot of people are going to be cheering for the Panthers, too.
Danks gets up to go to the bathroom after the Pats have won, and immediately says, "I just stood up and realized... damn, I'm drunk."
And that was immediately followed by Danks saying, "I just ashed in my beer."
McNabb goes down early in the game... and they show Koy Detmer warming up on the sidelines, and Danks yells, "YEAH, I HAVE THE SAME NAME AS A FISH!" Nate and Chris stare at him blankly... and Danks goes, "So yeah... there's a fish called koi."
So, the "E-A-G-L-E-S" chant is becoming commonplace now... so everyone at our table chants, "S-U-C-K" at it's conclusion, every single time.
McNabb throws a pick... and Danks walks to the front of the room, stands directly in front of the television and gives the signal for possession to Carolina. My favorite moment of the day so far.
Danks, back at the table now, is talking shit to Eagles fans in full-on Tollbooth Willie mode. He's threatening to "fuckin' Cahlton Fisk somebody's head with a Louisville fuckin' Sluggah." I've never been so proud of him.
Can anyone explain to me why this BillJoeJimBobDaleRustyKenny goofy redneck NASCAR bastard is involved with Fox's halftime show?
Danks, with beer actually dripping from his nose and his chin, yells, "WE NEED ANOTHER PITCHER!"
A guy sitting at the bar actually sends us a pitcher of beer and comes over and says, "This is just so you keep doing the S-U-C-K chant at the conclusion of each E-A-G-L-E-S chant." That's awesome... I assure him, he won't be disappointed.
Danks is now talking about how we need to invade Canada for the gold. The Danks train... has derailed.
Ricky Manning comes up with an interception for the Panthers. He is, by the way, no relation to Peyton.
Nate, Danks, and his buddy Seth are now singing at the top of their lungs, Adam Sandler's "Medium Pace." If you aren't familiar with that tune, I highly recommend checking out the lyrics here. Keep in mind... at the top of their lungs, and they made it through nearly the whole song.
An Eagles fan across the room is yelling at us that the Eagles were down last week and came back... It was good-natured and fun at that point, and Nate yells back at the guy, "THAT WAS LAST WEEK, SO WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?" Guy turns around and extends his middle finger in our direction for about a full minute.
We've been sent another pitcher of beer by the guy who likes the S-U-C-K chant. It comes right after DeShaun Foster broke off that extremely manly touchdown run... and the Eagles fan across the room gave us the finger again.
Danks and Seth have also now mastered the pretty beer pour... and Chris continues to put more and more beer onto the table and into the carpet. He tries three in a row... spills over his own glass, and then tries to fill Danks' and Seth's glasses, and spills over their mugs, too. It's starting to remind me of watching Craig Whelihan try to play quarterback... some people just aren't born to do certain things, and there comes a time when they have to just accept it.
I'm about the only person at the table who isn't visibly fucked-up beyond a reasonable level. "I can't believe they're still serving us beer," says Danks. Me neither. But they are.
Our conversation turns to academics (very briefly, I assure you) and Nate says, "Alcohol is the only thing keeping me at this school."
The Eagles pick up a holding call... and we chant, "H-O-L-D-I-N-G."
Donovan McNabb goes down, and can't get up... as a Panthers d-lineman stands over him, I yell, "KICK HIM!" I didn't know about his ribs at the time, we couldn't hear the TV at all. So, um... I'm sorry. Kinda.
The Panthers fumble... Eagles fans are excited. We hear the "E-A-G-L-E-S" chant... and then a replay shows the Panther player was clearly down, and we chant, "C-H-A-L-L-E-N-G-E." I wanted us to spell out "overturned" afterwards, but... today's a day where it's probably best not to get too ambitious with our spelling capabilities.
A couple of girls are sitting with the Eagles fans across the room, and they're yelling something at us, a little upset. We can't hear what they're saying, but Nate looks over at the girl and yells, "SCOREBOARD, BITCH."
And the guy sends us a 3rd pitcher... just hammered, all around.
The yelling between Nate and the girls continues... and Nate calls one of them a "retard." So the other girl walks over to our table looks at Nate (probably the most in-shape guy in the bar, by the way) and goes, "You're twenty pounds overweight and you need a new hat," and she flips his hat backwards off his head.
The girl has tight twin pigtails and after her fit, she's walking away and Chris yells, "YOU NEED TO TAKE IT EASY, PRINCESS LEIA."
The Eagles fan across the room is getting into it with another Jersey guy (but non-Eagles fan) at a nearby table... and they're about to rumble when a couple of bouncers come over and have to break it up. About five different guys were involved, I don't know who wanted to fight who, but I'm glad it didn't go down... I don't think anyone would've been able to stand that kind of cologne-mixing.
So as the game winds down and the Panthers wrap things up, the two girls come over to our table, and are acting all cute and apologetic. Nate apologizes for his use of the word "retard" (as he should, obviously) and then... in an odd and awkward moment, she kisses him on the mouth.
So the girls are hanging around the table now, and it seems like a prime opportunity for Danks to run some game... instead, he ends up talking about where his mom went to high school in Philly. Solid move.
Meanwhile, the beer is still flowing freely at the table. Danks looks up at the TV and goes, "Hey, the game's over. I had no idea."
These girls are still hanging around, hugging, kissing, or touching everything that moves... and some random old guy sees what's happening and walks over and takes full advantage of the situation, and squeezes up on both of them before leaving. Nice work, old man.
Getting the bill... the total count was 15 pitchers of beer, the overwhelming majority of which were consumed by Chris and Danks.
As we're leaving, a couple of Eagles fans are actually fighting in the stairwell on the way out. They were guys who knew each other, friends actually, and one of them got upset because his friend upset the wings that he was taking out in a box. So they fought. Good idea. One of our girls, who was leaving at the same time, actually got clocked in the face during the fracas. Way to be, Eagles fan.
Nate walks over to the two girls, who have now gone to sit at the bar, and puts his arms around them... and gets kissed again. Nice work, Nate.
And that'll about do it for this week's Smorgasbord. I don't know where (or if) I'll be watching the Super Bowl, but it won't be at the bar again... they've got some ridiculous cover charge on Super Bowl Sunday. So I'm undecided... so I may or may not have something for you after the Super Bowl. But I hope you've enjoyed... Peace.
