Monday, January 12, 2004
| Divisional Weekend - 2003/2004 |
Checking out the last few minutes of the CBS pre-game show, Danks brings up the idea of a flag football tournament between the pre-game show teams. I say we exclude ringers like Keyshawn and Shannon Sharpe... and I'm giving the edge to CBS. Deion is clearly the best athlete involved, and Jim Nantz has a solid edge over either James Brown or Chris Berman.
CBS is doing a pre-game feature on the Eagles' season, and a few Eagles players are talking about what they would've done if Rush Limbaugh had singled them out instead of Donovan McNabb. N.D. Kalu says he doesn't believe in turning the other cheek... and would've said something about rush being a junkie. I feel you, N.D.
Wow... it is fucking loud in Kansas City. Of course, if I was heading into a playoff game against Peyton Manning with that secondary, I'd probably be screaming in terror, too.
Danks says that if he were an NFL head coach, he'd bring in Don Cheadle to give the pre-game and halftime motivational talks. I've heard worse ideas.
Before I can ever order a glass of water, Peyton Manning is shredding the Chiefs defense... with ease. Kansas City is fucked.
Alright, maybe it's a tad premature to call a team fucked before Priest Holmes has a chance to touch the ball. That guy is decent. The Priest molests his team all the way up the field before settling for a field goal.
That citibank commercial where the dude has a woman's voice dubbed over his, talking about a $1500 leather bustier... overrated. Don't laugh at it. You'll only encourage more.
While on the subject of commercials... making a strong case for the most annoying word in commercial history: Hemi.
A sign in the KC crowd reads: "FOR ROOKIE FAN'S: YELL." Tremendous lesson for the rookies, but I guess they don't cover proper use of apostrophes until the 2nd season.
Who's this guy catching a TD for the Colts? Lopienski? Lebowski? I dunno. Brandon Stokely is already lighting it up. It's as if Peyton Manning is on a mission to prove that you don't need black people on your team to be successful in the NFL.
Early in the game, Danks feels good about the Patriots chances against either of these teams. Myself, I can't really tell how the Patriots would fare because neither team has attempted a 3-year out pattern yet.
Johnnie Morton, wide open, sees a pass bounce off his hands. I yell for him to do the worm anyway.
Does Morten Anderson wear a toy football helmet? It looks like something he took from a trick-or-treater. His facemask just doesn't look real. I built sturdier things in Mr. Six's shop class.
Somehow, Suzanne Somers comes up in conversation. Don't ask me how. As it turns out, my man A.J. has a bit of a thing for her. It's actually... I dunno what to call it. To say it's an obsession really kinda cheapens the intense feelings he has for her. Regardless of what it's called, it's disturbing. A direct quote: "I seriously have a problem with her. I'm being dead serious, man." I taunt him with the fact that I received the first season of Three's Company on DVD for Christmas. He began to salivate. We've all got our celebrity crushes... but A.J.'s thing for Suzanne Somers... he requires therapy. And it's not even Suzanne Somers of 15 years ago, A.J. would go for Suzanne Somers right now. Thankfully, he lacks the financial ability to actually stalk her. If he would happen to win the lottery, well... I hope Suzanne has a good security system.
So all of this leads to more "celebrity hottie" talk... Rene Russo comes up. My man Chris mentions the Thomas Crown Affair, a movie in which (in his words), Rene Russo "dirtied herself." At the very mention of the scene, A.J. and Danks raise their glasses to toast.
The Patriots offense is being discussed again, and Chris, Steelers fan, says he'd rather lose than run the Patriots "weak" offense, which consists mainly of passes 4 yards and under. Myself, being a Chargers fan... I'll stuff the ball under the center's shirt and have him run blindfolded into the field goal posts if it means another win or two. I just don't care... I want a winning season, and I would lie, cheat, steal, or run the Patriots offense to get one.
Priest breaks off about a 50 yard run... and just after the lone woman at our table, Lady E, implores him to put the ball away... he coughs it up. That's a game-turner.
My man Jim rolls in at about 2:30, having broke his cell phone last night. He called a pizza place, they said they were closed, so he spiked his phone. Jim is a child and a moron. Apparently, this place sells 20 inch pizzas... so Jim called up and goes, "Yo, I wanna roll on dubs." And the person who answered the phone says, "What are you talking about?"
Jim, by the way, has failed to make any travel arrangements for himself and will be missing his entire first day of classes.
I guess Reggie Wayne insisted in the huddle that a black man be allowed to catch a touchdown pass, and Peyton obliged. Who says we don't need Affirmative Action in this country?
A kickoff return is housed, courtesy of Dante Hall, or, as I like to call him, "the only reason the Chiefs have a chance to win this game."
Eric Hicks of the Chiefs has a fucking Nike swoosh tat on his arm. I hope he's at least been paid for that... if not... why would someone willingly smear their body with corporate logos?
The winner of the 12-year-old division of the Punt, Pass, and Kick competition... looks just like Tom Brady. The kid and Brady also had similar performances in the "throw it longer than 20 yards" portion of the competition.
The bar is being flooded with Eagle fans. I have no real problems with Donovan McNabb or any of the Eagles, but their fans... animals. I think our table just turned into an aggressive group of Packer fans.
Should the Chiefs have attempted an onside kick with 4:00 to play in the game? Yes. That's all I have to say on the issue. For more extensive information, tune into any sports show between now and Wednesday.
Whoa... the Lonely Colts fan has died his hair blue. Y'know, I admire his dedication, but... well, actually, no I don't. That's just dumb.
We've got a half hour between games... so Danks and I venture down to the bowling alley to check out the league situation and see if any are forming soon and how to get in one. No leagues start until May... so how the fuck am I supposed to satisfy my competitive bowling jones between now and May? I think I've been blackballed because of my obvious physical superiority.
Joe Buck lets us all know that Donovan McNabb came to the game in a luxury ride, and Brett Favre took the bus... Wow, Brett Favre... what a great man. He takes the BUS, ladies and gentlemen... as if this is supposed to have some reflection on their character. I hope I can find it in my heart to forgive Donovan McNabb for hopping in his own car after sleeping in his own bed in his own city and driving to the game, but... he just doesn't have the character of Brett Favre, who, for some really noble reason, didn't drive his own car from Green Bay to the stadium in Philadelphia. Not realizing the value of public transportation is just one of many of McNabb's flaws. I guess Rush Limbaugh was right.
The only guy on the Fox pre-game show I don't hate is Howie Long. Yeah... process that. The only guy I don't hate is the fucking Raider.
Y'know, I'm as down with Brett Favre as anyone, but... Sarah McLachlan's "In the Arms of the Angels" song... it's just a bit much, especially in an NFL pre-game show. Come on.
Frank Caliendo... very solid job with that Rush Limbaugh impression.
The Eagles fan invasion continues... and one guy shows up, but apparently he's been designated to wear the cologne for all 30-or-so Eagles fans in the place. It's just brutal. I've been around a lot of cologne-doused douchefucks before, but this guy... he's ruining the purity of the cigarette-smoke-filled air. Chris says, "I wonder which team he's rooting for..." I get for someone to light up a smoke.
And finally... kickoff. The bar is packed.
The pace of this game, you might say... is a bit different from the early game.
Correll Buckhalter employs his new Roger Dorn-inspired "¡Olè!" blocking technique... McNabb gets hit, coughs it up, and the Pack score on the next play. A good-sized group of fans erupt... I didn't know there were that many people rooting for the Pack here. I guess fans are harder to pick out when they aren't sopping in cologne, rude and unbathed.
A.J. left... but not before drawing an extremely crude vagina in my notebook. If this is any representation of the girls that A.J. has known... he needs to be taking a few of them to the free clinic. They have issues.
It's 14-7, with a 4th and inches at the goal line for the Pack... and they do not get in. I approve of the aggressive call, though. They don't score, but it ends up not really hurting them.
With under a minute left in the half... Donovan McNabb runs out of bounds to conserve time. Two Eagles fans call him a pussy for not taking the hit. Seriously.
Alright... I'm gonna have to bounce at the half. Everyone else is leaving, and I can't withstand the Eagle fan barrage on my own.
A few second half notes, though... kind of a Smorgasbord post script:
Troy Aikman, after Donovan McNabb was tackled after a 5-yard gain by three Packers, says he "almost broke it."
Sherman got scared on the 4th and 1. It's that simple.
The Brett Favre interception... it looked like everyone on the field but Brett thought it was a pass play. He looked to hand the ball off, but Green had flared out. He looked up, saw a receiver running a fly pattern, and he lofted it up... but it was a post corner, the receiver broke, and it was an easy interception. Of course, I could be wrong about all of that.
The Eagles/Panthers game will be a very close one next week... I like the Panthers chances. Oh, and it might not have been the best idea for Donovan McNabb to say, "Oh, we're not worried about Carolina right now," in his postgame comments, no matter how he actually meant that.
