Monday, January 05, 2004
| Wild Card Weekend - 2003/2004 |
I walked into the Sports Bar this week... the place was packed... security was tight... electricity was in the air. I entered the front room, and the crowd erupted into a chant of "ONE MORE SMORGASBORD! (clap, clap, clapclapclap) ONE MORE SMORGASBORD!" I was moved... and so here it is. ONE MORE SMORGASBORD!
Actually, the place was damn near empty, and since I was gonna be there, I decided, fuck it, why not... one more Smorgasbord. Also, I wouldn't have wanted the last weekend of the Smorgasbord to have gone down without Danks in the house. The ladies deserve more Danks.
For reasons that are very dumb and that wouldn't make very good stories, I got about 3 hours of sleep last night, and am extremely tired. Waking up... was a struggle. It occurred to me as I got out of bed that if it was work that I had to attend today... I might not make it. But it was Wild Card Weekend at the Sports Bar... and here I am.
We'll be treated today to uninterrupted Joe Buck. On three huge TVs, all directly in front of me, it's all Joe Buck, all the time. I hate Joe Buck... but when this realization dawns on Danks, he acts like his dog just died. I've never seen more disdain for a commentator than Danks has for Joe Buck. It runs in the family, too... Señor Danks actually wrote a nasty letter to FOX after the ALCS bitching about Joe Buck. Ah, we only have about 50 more years of him as Fox's #1 football and baseball guy.
With the wind chill, it's 6 degrees in Green Bay. Chris observes that the Seahawks... are fucked.
Before the game, Joe Buck needs to stand in front of the camera holding a cell phone and say, "This is my cell phone." Yes, Joe Buck... that is your cell phone. And you are a tool. Hard to imagine Joe Buck's dad doing that, isn't it? I'm marking this down as the 2nd most embarrassing use of a cell phone this NFL season.
I'm amazed at how stress-free this place can be when the Chargers aren't playing. I didn't know it, but there are people in here every week actually having fun and enjoying themselves, not losing all circulation in their ass and holding their head in their hands as the Chargers get pasted every week.
In a span of about two minutes, Troy Aikman has said the words "naked backside" and Cris Collinsworth said the words "toss crack." If they happened individually, I'd never have noticed, but... coming so close together... strange. Something Freudian is in the air.
While we're on the subject of commentators, there are a few things from Saturday that I want to comment on. One, why is ABC bringing in Jon Gruden for the studio show? You've got Tom Jackson, Michael Irvin, Jaws, any number of people that have been doing this all year, and are good at what they do. But no... we've got to go with the coach who makes fake tough guy faces on the sidelines because he wants to be on TV. And Paul McGuire... y'know, I can't even go into how much I loathe his commentary. I'll just get pissed off, and the rest of the Smorgasbord will be better and every other word will be fuck.
Just as I'm thinking about how I can never watch Najeh Davenport again and not think about him squatting in some girl's closet... he takes a handoff, is stuffed in the backfield, and Cris Collinsworth, I kid you not, says, "Davenport takes the handoff, and all the sudden, there's a big pile in the backfield."
And heading into commercial, Joe Buck says, "Mike McKenzie is looking at Matt Hasselbeck and saying, 'Come and get me, big boy!'" It's official... FOX has a very latently gay vibe today. I can't explain why, but... I like their unusual approach to commentary.
I request that the Raptors/Suns game be put on, so you're going to get a little bonus NBA action. I realize that none of you care about the Raptors/Suns game, but I do... and it's a nice little diversion from Joe Buck. You'll have to deal.
The Suzie Kolber/Joe Namath/I-want-to-kiss-you incident comes up in conversation, and Danks poses an excellent question. What if it had been Lisa Guerrero that Joe propositioned? I'm guessing it wouldn't have been long before they were mugging out, and Joe would've been giving her some serious turf burns right there in the Meadowlands.
The commentators mention the "tuck rule" on a Matt Hasselbeck play, and Danks' eyes immediately light up. All Patriots fans just have a Pavlovian response to the words "tuck rule." I think he may have actually started drooling.
Stephon Marbury's head... is weird. It's not Sam Cassell weird, but it's definitely not normal. His forehead is the size of a Grady Jackson ass cheek. I think Steph is a guy that could benefit from a crazy afro.
This game is turning into a very-well-placed-Brett-Favre-lob fest.
Fox has a Nascar commercial that ends with the words, "THESE GUYS ARE TOUGH" coming across the screen. No... they aren't tough. Risking death so you can see a black-and-white checkered flag does not make somebody tough. It makes them a redneck.
Alright, maybe that isn't completely true. Chris Meyers is interviewing a Nascar driver on the sidelines who does not have a southern accent or any visible attire that has the word "Budweiser" on it. Also, his name isn't Rusty. Odd.
Jahidi White absolutely mauls Chris Bosh on consecutive trips down the floor. Once on a screen, and once on a spin move, and both times, Chris Bosh went flying. For you non-NBA fans (and judging from the hits to the Throwin' 'Bows articles, there are many of you), this is about the equivalent of... Todd Pinkston running into Casey Hampton.
With the score tied at 13, the Seahawks are putting together a lengthy and impressive drive.
Alright... I actually dozed off for a minute there. I awoke to find Chris with my notebook and pen. Be thankful, loyal reader, that I caught him in time, or you'd all be reading about the trojan horse, sodomy, and Greek meatballs right now.
With a bowling alley right next door, Chris, Danks, AJ, and I discuss getting a bowling team together for league competition. I, of course, can't bowl at all. I'm terrible. Chris and Danks are decent bowlers, however, which makes me happy, because I'd really just like to win every now and then so we can talk shit to the other old man teams we'd be bowling against. Chris says to me, "So... you suck, but you hope we're good, because you want to talk shit?" I have no idea why it would, but this seems to come as a surprise to him. He quickly appoints me as the Lee Flowers of our team. I can live with that.
Ahman Green wills his way into the endzone for the Pack. This is an excellent game... I hope I'm awake to see the end of it. The Seahawks have 2:44 to tie it up.
With :51 to go... it is tied.
Ryan Longwell misses a field goal at the end of regulation, and Brett Favre... does not seem amused by the little kicker guy. I wonder how Brett Favre and Mike Vanderjagt would get along as teammates.
So, for the overtime coin flip... Matt Hasselbeck makes the call and says, "We want the ball and we're going to score." I like it. Chris wonders aloud if this is going to start a new trend where players take advantage of the ref's mic and use it as an opportunity to talk shit before overtime starts. Chris wants to hear, "I want the ball... and FUCK YOU!" If it was me, I'd go with, "I want the ball... and I want your mother out of my house immediately."
Lesley Visser is doing some pregame work for CBS from the RCA Dome, and... she's just the anti-Lisa Guerrero. Competent, professional, and aging well. I dunno... I hate to objectify the woman and her work, but it came up at the table, and everyone agreed... Lesley Visser is a fine-looking older woman. Danks wants it noted that he prefers Linda Cohn, however. "She's been looking good lately," he says.
Brett Favre throws an absolutely perfect lob pass that lands in the breadbasket of Ahman Green, and Joe Buck refers to it as, "Just throwing it up and hoping someone makes a play." I dunno if I've mentioned it, but Joe Buck is a fuckhead.
I wonder if Armen Keteyain has ever considered having his last name legally changed to "Hammer."
And Matt Hasselbeck makes his prediction come true... he did throw a touchdown pass. To Al Harris. And that'll do it. Lambeau looks like a great place to be right now. I hope Hasselbeck doesn't regret saying what he said after the coin toss. It was cool. However, I should note that if it T.O. did something like that... he'd be lambasted for it.
Jim Nantz is doing a terrific Chuck Woolery impression, standing in front of two widescreen TVs, telling me how great HDTV is. And yeah, thanks a lot Jim Nantz, because the picture I see of an HDTV on this regular old TV looks really great. Really captures the greatness of HDTV.
Early in the Colts/Broncos game... it's the Edgerrin James show. The Colts offense is clicking.
Brandon Stokely takes one to the house... and Danks and I discuss the possibility of a White Receiver Renaissance. It's been kind of a down year for whitey at wideout. In recent years, Bill Schroeder and Ed McCaffrey have carried the torch, but the statistical leader this year was Justin McCareins with just over 800 yards.
The Broncos get the ball... and early, they have all kinds of running room.
CBS is giving us a nice shot of Mike Vanderjagt after every play. Danks guesses that the cameraman went to WVU. Every Vanderjagt camera shot is quickly followed by a lengthy crowd shot. I'm seeing more of the crowd than I am the actual game at this point.
Marvin Harrison catches a nice pass from Peyton Manning... and then CBS goes immediately to the crowd shot, where we see a handsome gentleman reacting to Marvin Harrison getting up and running to the endzone. Props to CBS, so few other networks have the courage to show not the touchdown, but an individual fan's reaction to it. Innovative.
Hey, the Lonely Colts Fan from last week is back... he's excited. I feel good for him. The Colts are laying wood.
Peyton Manning is going buck wild. If anyone had any questions about his ability to win a playoff game, I think they've been answered. He's 11/12 for 191... in the first half.
A table of dudes is actually cheering for a Coors Light commercial. Some idiot is playing air guitar along with it... another guy is screaming the word, "CHEERLEADERS!" What the fuck, man...? Are you twelve? Is the idea of cheerleaders new to you? Just embarrassing.
It's turned into kids day at the sports bar. There are at least five little rugrats wandering around this afternoon. I feel like throwing peanut shells at them. Y'know, I love being around kids (in a non-Michael Jackson kind of a way), but... at the sports bar? I want to watch football and feel free to scream "fuck" whenever I feel like it. I don't want to have to feel bad about it. I tell Danks that someday, if I'm fortunate enough to be blessed with children... I might take them to the sports bar when they're five years old... but it'll be OK, because they'll be drinking. "And saying fuck," adds Danks.
And Brandon Stokely takes another TD to the house... it must be a very exciting day for people who wish more white people were still excelling in the NFL.
It's a romp, Danks and I are both about to fall asleep at the table, so we decide to bolt at the half. And thus, the Smorgasbord will sadly be cut short. But it was a bonus edition anyway, so what do you have to complain about? I'm not planning on doing another next week, but... we'll see what happens. Who am I kidding, it'll probably end up turning into a playoffs-long thing, I have nothing better to do. But we'll see. Peace.
