Saturday, April 24, 2004
| 2004 NFL Draft |
Outside, it's 68 degrees and there is not a cloud on the horizon. It's clear, crisp, and beautiful, and I have no interest. Today, I prefer an atmosphere of dim light, stale air conditioning, smoke, grease, and morons who think they're draft experts because they logged on to espn.com yesterday. Today, my boys Danks, AJ, Chris and I worship at the shrine of Mel Kiper Jr.
I'm about 10 minutes early for the draft, and on the TV next to the draft TV, ESPN 2 is running a SportsCentury show... about fishing. ESPN should create a new channel for hunting, fishing, soccer, "extreme" sports, and baseball, and just call it "ESPN Loser." A SportsCentury show about fishing? When did ESPN start hating sports? At least ESPN.com didn't include any fisherman in their greatest athlete of all-time debate this week. Personally, I'd go with Lars Svenshrinshälä. The way he reels in the burbot off the coast of Finland is breathtaking.
ESPN is showing a quote from some fan who said that if the Chargers had taken Michael Vick when they had the chance, they wouldn't have the #1 overall pick today. I don't buy it. You can argue Vick vs. Tomlinson all you want, but I don't think anyone would say Vick has done more at this stage of their careers. He had a great second half to his rookie year, and an injury-filled year. LT has been a stud from day one. Maybe you could argue that Vick would give the Chargers a brighter future than they have right now, but to think that he'd have the Chargers contending for the playoffs or something is absurd.
A woman is crying on the fishing show as she watched her husband win some kind of fishing tournament. I don't blame you one bit, lady. It's always tough when it first hits you. "My husband is a fucking tournament fisherman."
ESPN runs the classic clip of Colts GM Bill Tobin lighting up Mel Kiper, saying he isn't any more qualified to do what he does than his postman. As wrong as Tobin was, this clip just never gets old. I love the look on Kiper's face... he knows he's being lit up, and he knows a lot of people don't respect his work, but he also knows that Trev Alberts is going to suck. Say, I'm watching the draft today and Kiper's still there. Where's Bill Tobin? Advantage, Kiper.
Chris Berman says a name like Eli Manning's "commands respect." Sure, if you're a fan of whiny bitches. Peyton is the man, but there was another Manning who won about 8 games in 14 years. And he's a whiny bitch, too.
There is one little bit of serendipity in all of this, and it's that just as this Manning situation is unfolding, I'm also growing to love the term "sock-chewing bitch." I could use it upwards of 50 times today.
Alright, they did it. Eli Manning is a Charger. I seriously would not mind just making his punk ass sit out the year... and then going 0-16, and drafting him again. The New York fans are chanting "Eli sucks!" Eli is about to cry. Happy, Archie? One of the old man's proudest moments, I'm sure.
A live shot of some fans watching the draft in San Diego, where it's just after 9 a.m. And they're drinking. Nice.
And the Raiders take Robert Gallery... right before I learn that I'm sitting just a few inches away from a Raiders fan. Outstanding. Two seconds ago, he was talking about how the Raiders shouldn't take Gallery. Now, he's in love with him. How very Raider fan of him.
But sometimes, things really can change that quickly. 10 minutes ago, I saw Robert Gallery's ponytail as a unique and bold statement of his individuality. Now, I see it as a sign of an insecure, attention-craving, drug-abusing sociopath who goes to bed every night questioning his own sexuality. And I'm pretty sure that this change hasn't occurred in my perception, but rather in the actual character of Robert Gallery.
The Cardinals take Larry Fitzgerald. I'd love to hate Larry, but I can't, and I think he's got a good shot to become the best player in this entire draft. Tremendous work ethic, hands, and body control. I've never been anything but impressed with him. Except for when I watched him in college and was screaming at him to please go hang himself in the locker room.
The Giants and Chargers are talking...
And as we go to commercial, we see a naked woman in the crowd. She's got a few strategic body parts covered by signs, and I'm sure the New York football draft crowd is treating her with nothing but respect.
The only thing keeping me happy at this point is the fact that Eli Manning appears to be miserable.
The Giants take Phil Rivers, and that's gotta mean there's going to be a deal, right? The Giants like Roethlisberger better than Rivers, so if they made this choice, there's gotta be a reason for it, right?
Chris Mortenson becomes strangely obsessed with the Browns as the Giants are about to make their pick. He interrupts at least two different people with talk about the Browns. He just really really wants to be right, and if he is, he wants everyone to know it.
Alright... that worked out well. We got Phil, Eli is out the do', and we pulled a little bit of a jack move on the Giants. A 1, a 3, and a 5? I can deal with that. Nice work, AJ Smith.
The same Giants fans who just minutes ago were chanting "Eli sucks!" are now overjoyed at the trade? Oh, OK.
The Redskins go with Sean Taylor, another guy who I think is going to be an immediate impact player.
The Raiders fan congratulates me on the trade. It's really nice of him at all, and he doesn't appear to be nearly the unbathed, homicidal animal that most Raider fans are, but come on, man. I'm a division rival. Don't congratulate me on a draft pick. I wouldn't congratulate him right now if the Raiders traded Tyrone Wheatley for Michael Vick and 3 future #1 draft picks at the same time that he won the lottery.
Mort speculates that Kerry Collins is out in New York. Enjoy next year with your QBs being the bachelor and a goofy redneck rookie, Giants fans. If I'm a team that needs a quarterback, I'd be watching that situation closely. Teams could do a lot worse than Kerry Collins.
The Red Sox and Yankees game is put on, despite my wishes. Danks, a diehard Red Sox fan (which is another term for loser) is now glued to the wrong TV.
And Kellen Winslow goes to the Browns. Enjoy the lovely city. Say, was it wrong of me to hope that the Cardinals would draft him, right after ESPN's tribute to Pat Tillman, and then run the clip of Winslow going off about being a "souldjah"? Yes? Yeah, I thought so.
Roy Williams is headed to Detroit and looking good in the yellow suit. I know Detroit could use a wideout, and Roy Williams has an amazing skill set, but I think a good rule of thumb would be to never draft a receiver shorter than Paul Tagliabue in the Top 10.
Mort and Mel are arguing with Michael Irvin about Roy Williams perceived attitude problems, and if anyone would know if a receiver with a huge ego can succeed in the NFL, it's Mikey. Danks and I are kinda wishing for ESPN to come back from a commercial and see Michael Irvin finishing a line of coke and wiping his nose.
The Falcons go with DeAngelo Hall, and this is the first pick that I'm really not feeling. Hall is as physically talented as anyone, but is soft and thinks he's way better than he is.
Suzy Kolber interviews Eli, and unfortunately, he looks much happier. I just can't stand this douche. I bet he hates black people.
The Jags, having lost out on Roy Williams, maybe reach a little bit for Reggie Williams. Jags fans may not be the happiest people in the world, but they identified a need and took the best player available at that position. It's hard to argue with that. And they didn't have to trade up and get raked over the coals for a second round pick in the process.
at 10, the Texans go with a DB, and things could not have worked out better for the Steelers at 11. Early word was that they liked Phil Rivers better, but I'm a big Roethlisberger fan, too.
Big Ben takes a phone call from someone in the Steelers organization, and looks completely unhappy during it. The guy looks like his cat just died. I can't imagine any reason he'd be unhappy, perhaps it's just nerves. And his name is called, Danks says, "I hope he tears his ACL on his way to the podium."
The Jets take Jonathan Vilma, and the crowd erupts. "WOOO! WE'VE HEARD OF HIM! WOOHOO! GREAT PICK!"
And the Bills, at #13, take the guy I was hoping would slip to the Chargers in the 2nd round. I like Lee Evans, but at #13 overall? Bills be reachin'.
The people at the bar have mercifully decided to change the channel on one of the TVs from the scintillating 3-0 USA vs. Brazil women's soccer game to the Hornets/Heat game. The Hornets appear to actually be trying today. And Charles Barkley, you know I love you, but what is with the white sneakers with every suit? At least get some brown kicks, man, you're better than that.
USC wide receiver Mike Williams, having been denied entry into the draft, has, according to Sal Paolantonio, been "sent out of the country to an undisclosed location." Man, that was some court decision. He was not only denied entry, but exiled from the entire country? What happened to Maurice Clarett, was he executed?
It's sad about Mike Williams, but unlike Chris Berman, I don't see why the NCAA should just let him back in. It would be nice, but... no one forced Mike Williams to hire an agent before he was sure he could get into the draft. I feel for the guy, but long-term... Mike Williams is going to be alright. Not allowing athletes to hire agents is a fairly important rule, and I just don't see a lot of reason for the NFL to be making an exception here.
There haven't been any Madden commercials this year. I gotta tell ya, that's a pretty big disappointment for me.
Tommie Harris is taken by the Bears and is looking good. Black pinstripe suit, pink silk shirt and matching pink silk tie. Smooth. He's also in a room filled with people who's entire combined wardrobe cost about 1/100th of what Tommie's suit cost, and he's in a recliner, and I'm not sure anyone else even has a chair. There's an old school party going on in the Harris family today. And then ESPN showing Tommie Harris's dad dancing... that was just weird. That... well... I don't think it would be all that unfair to call Mr. Harris the white Mark Madsen. Potentially the weirdest draft moment ever.
Both Suzy Kolber and Chris Berman have both said it was "classy" of Eli Manning to hold up the Chargers jersey. Why? Someone explain to me what has been classy in the least about what Eli Manning has done here today. So now Berman respects him because of his name, and thinks he's classy because he held up a jersey. Man, it's easy to get respect and be called classy these days. Try not to commit felonious assault on anyone on your way to the podium, and Berman will call you classy.
And the Bucs go with WR Michael Clayton. Danks is upset... he was hoping the Patriots would grab him in the 1st round. Somehow, I don't feel all that bad for him. I don't care if Tedy Bruschi is kidnapped and sold into a Malaysian prostitution ring, I think it's even possible for me to feel bad for a Patriots fan at this point.
The draft has been on for 3 hours now, and it feels like 30 minutes. The draft is goodness.
Berman, Mort and Kiper spend a few minutes trying to figure out who just traded up to the #16 spot, when everyone at home sees, "#16 - EAGLES" quite plainly on their TV screen.
And the Eagles take Shawn Andrews. My scouting report says that he has to have one of the great draft profile photographs of all time. He was kinda going for that rapper's bodyguard look, and I think he pulled it off quite well. Tremendous upside here.
Before the 17th pick, Mort says, "This pick is going to be Steven Jackson." Mort's a little off today.
The Broncos pass on Jackson, and really, why shouldn't they? Does it matter who they have at RB? I think Ki-Jana Carter could go for about 1,300 yards for the Broncos.
I'm starting to get a little bit down on myself. My self-esteem is pretty low right now. I've been sitting next to this Raiders fan for close to four hours, and I haven't insulted him or his mother once. I haven't questioned his sexuality, physically threatened him in any way, or anything. I may have to slash his tires on the way out just so I can look at myself in the mirror tomorrow.
By the way, Eli Manning is still a bitch-made punk.
The Saints go with DE Will Smith, probably the best player available. Chris Berman makes the incredibly lame Will Smith "Men in Black" joke. Man, Berman's slipping. I'm just getting tired of him.
Minnesota's on the clock, and to hell with it, they're just not ready. They trade down one spot with Miami. Does the Minnesota front office just take this day off every year? Watch them take Maurice Clarett or something.
What is it with these ESPN draft commercials that show Eli Manning working out? Guy doesn't look like he's ever seen a weight before. And the NFL commercial with him holding the Giants and Chargers hats... did someone think that was funny? I don't get it. It's like the NFL is making fun of itself.
After Miami reaches on Vernon Carey, Minnesota goes with Kenechi Udeze, who is wearing a bold red and white striped dress shirt. Hey, sometimes the NFL draft overlaps with barbershop quarter practice. These things happen. Chris calls it the "Karl Malone I've Never Worn a Tie Before" look.
The Patriots are on the clock, and the NFL should not let them have this pick. They're too good already, just step in, Tags, and disallow it. Give it to the Chargers.
An ESPN score update shows the Calgary Flames leading the Detroit Red Wings 245-139. And they say no one plays defense in the NBA...
Vince Wilfork's a Patriot. Danks takes a few seconds away from the baseball game to look happy for a minute. I want to push him off a cliff.
The Cowboys are up, and Steven Jackson is still on the board. For some reason, they decided to take the full 15 minutes to do what we all know they're going to do.
And the Hornets close out the game with the Heat. Dwayne Wade, 2 points... not acceptable. You better come strong in Game 4, or the veteran Hornets could develop a huge mental advantage. And thanks for not completely rolling over, Hornets.
Trey Wingo on Steven Jackson: "He's got a great pound-it-up-the-middle attitude." I'd like to think I have that same attitude.
Okay, I'm an idiot. Dallas trades and Buffalo goes with J.P. Losman. At first, it's hard to figure out Dallas passing on Steven Jackson, but man... Buffalo gave up a ton. A 2, a 5, and a 1 next year? That's not a trade, that's a jack. No way Dallas could pass that up.
Boomer Esiason appears in a commercial for a youth NFL league and says, "Even mothers love it!" Translation: "This is where Boomer goes to meet MILFs."
Lots of debate among the ESPN boys about J.P. Losman. When Ben Roethlisberger was drafted, all anyone could talk about was the inferior competition of the MAC, but no one even brings up C-USA when talking about Losman.
The Seahawks go with Marcus Tubbs of Texas, and it's about right here where the draft ceases to be compelling television.
A lengthy and passionate argument breaks out among Michael Irvin and Ron Jaworski about Carson Palmer and Jon Kitna. A lot of people say a lot of things about Michael Irvin, but he's very good at his job. It's just nice to see someone speaking so passionately. I like Jaws, and Merril, and Mel, but not everyone has to sit there quietly in their pretty little suits all day. It's OK to get fired up... Michael Irvin is not only exactly right about how Carson Palmer should've had to beat Jon Kitna in training camp, but he's making for some damn fine television while he's doing it. Keep it coming, Mikey.
Chris Berman: "It's good to see Eli Manning smiling." I disagree. It would be good to see him on fire.
Coming back from the next commercial, Chris Boomer is actually giving a shirtless Archie Manning a back rub with hot scented oils.
And the Rams take Steven Jackson. I wonder if they had any idea that he would fall to them, or just made this decision on the spot when they found him in their laps at #24. Faulk is good, but he's getting up there in mileage... and the Rams end up with the best RB in the draft. Pretty slick.
The Packers go DB, which makes sense, as Mike McKenzie is unhappy with his contract. Little bit of a surprise that Ahmad Carroll goes before Chris Gamble, though.
Ellis Burks steps to the plate in the Sox/Yankees game. How is Ellis Burks still a professional athlete? Chris and I start speculating about who's on deck for the Red Sox. Wade Boggs? Don Baylor? Mike Greenwell?
The Bengals take Chris Perry, who I've never been that high on. Of course, if you need an RB at this point, the other option is Kevin Jones, who I'm definitely not high on.
ESPN replays the clip of Michael Irvin being drafted. These are probably the happiest people in the world at that particular point in time. Seeing a loved one get drafted will do that for you. So will mountains of coke. I wonder what happened to that chain Mike was wearing. Did he have to give it back to Run DMC?
The Red Sox are in the 11th inning, the draft is at commercial, and Danks is tense. A K-Swiss commercial is on, and no one is saying anything. Out of nowhere, Danks turns and says, "I wear my K-Swiss when I jack off all over your face."
Panthers go with Chris Gamble, which befuddles a moron sitting behind us who said, "Wow, they already had a great secondary." Um, not really, genius. The good news is that there are WRs on the board who I'd like the Chargers to grab at the top of round 2.
And then Atlanta takes one of them. And then Detroit goes with Kevin Jones, who will be behind NFL Europe's leading rusher, Avon Cobourne, on the depth chart for the rest of his career. And then the 49ers take Rashaun Woods, and the Bolts will not be getting a stud WR in the 2nd round. I blame Buffalo. Lee Evans at 13? Come on.
Could we please get a draft pick where no one trades down? There have been 82 trades in the first round, and I couldn't name the specifics of any of them other than the Manning/Rivers deal. I have been slightly disinterested in the draft for about an hour now.
The Patriots go with tight end Ben Watson, who no one has heard of but Mel Kiper. Somehow, someone will turn this into an excuse to call Bill Bellichick a genius.
Eli is shown putting on a Giants jersey in front of a bunch of Giants fans. Someone get him the matching skirt.
The Chargers are up in Round 2... and it's IGOR OLSHANSKY. I was just saying the other day that the Chargers don't have enough Ukranian immigrants. Now that void has been filled. Cries of "I'M IGOR OLSHANSKY, BITCH" are about to sweet the nation. And my Day One draft experience is about to come to an end.
Oh, and Eli Manning is a bitch.
