Sunday, September 12, 2004
| Week 01 - 2004/2005 |
At first, I didn't like the idea of the NFL opening on Thursday night. It was important to me that the first NFL Sunday remain special and pure. It's the same reason that you don't listen to the band's CD right before you go into the concert. You want the real thing to hit you all at once, untainted.
But upon further review, the Thursday night start works out perfectly. If the NFL feels it necessary to have a celebratory concert with Britney Spears and Billy Joe Cyrus or whoever, they can do it on Thursday, and the first Sunday will remain pure. The NFL isn't about concerts and ceremonies and agonizingly long pre-game shows... it's about so much more.
The NFL is about beautiful 75-degree Sunday afternoons spent in smoky bars with degenerate fans and bitchy waitresses. The NFL is about sitting in one place for 8 hours, wearing out your neck trying to watch four games at once, and having your entire daily diet consist of beer and chicken wings.
The NFL is about days like today. Welcome back to the Smorgasbord.
Before we get started, I wanna send some love to a couple of people who are usually with me for the Smorgasbord, but who won't be joining me today because they're currently honeymooning in the path of Hurricane Ivan. I don't know how they'd feel about being identified by name, so... Spiros and Aretha, you're definitely missed. I am joined by my boys Danks, AJ, and Kevin.
I get to the place at 11:50, and I'm not the first one there. There's a table of what appears to be a group of douchebag Raven fans in the back. I walk around, and look for the TV on which the Chargers game will be appearing... and I can't find it. We're not off to a good start.
I track down the tool who operates the TVs (who's also wearing a Chiefs jersey), and make him aware of the situation. The following conversation takes place:
Tool: "Yeah, we've only got nine TVs, and that was the only game I couldn't get on."
Me: "You've had every Chargers game on for me for the past five years."
Tool: "Yeah, sorry... I wish I had better news for you."
This low-level functionary evidently doesn't know who I am or how I roll. I've been coming here for five years now, and this dickhole can't find a place for the Chargers game somewhere among nine TVs? He better recognize. It's time to find the owner.
Owner found, situation rectified, MJD taken care of. The Bears/Lions game has been bumped to a TV at the bar.
The remote-wielding tool in the Chiefs jersey tells the table of Ravens fans that the Chargers/Texans game will be replacing the highly-anticipated Bears/Lions showdown. They tell the guy that it's cool because they'd rather see it anyway. He points to me and says, "You can thank him, he's a big Chargers fan." One of the Ravens fans goes, "A big what fan?" Guy says, "Chargers." Ravens fan exhales and shakes his head. Through non-verbal communication, he's made a fine point.
I settle in to watch a little of ESPN's pre-game, and Michael Irvin says that Deion Sanders, right now, is the best cornerback in the National Football League. Come on now. I like Michael Irvin, but I guess it takes a while for the coke to get all the way out of someone's system.
We've been joined by some Browns fans, and they're barking. Check it out, Browns fans, it hasn't been acceptable for an adult to bark like that in public since Arsenio Hall went off the air, alright? Get it together. Browns fans and their little dog masks are approaching Raiders fan status. I am down with the Ravens today.
On CBS's pregame, they're showing some exterior shots of Cleveland's new stadium. One of the Brownies behind me remarks, "That stadium is so sexy." Browns fans screw concrete.
Watching Tom Jackson is funny. For all those years, he sat next to Chris Berman and played it straight. He did his job well, but there wasn't much excitement from him, there wasn't a lot of flavor. But now he's sitting next to Michael Irvin, and it's like he's remembered that he's black and doesn't have to act like a weatherman at all times. Good for TJ.
There has yet to be a Crazy Fish Guy sighting. I hope he didn't take his life at some point during the Dolphins stellar off-season.
This loser Browns fan is still barking, and I grow to hate the Browns more and more with each "woof." I hope Jeff Garcia gets caught on TV blowing someone on the sidelines. Danks adds, "Preferably William Green."
As the childish barking continues, Danks turns and responds with a "Go Ravens! MEOW!"
Last night I was laying in bed, looking forward to the next day and thinking to myself, "I get to see Drew Brees tomorrow." And I was happy about it. That's the power that the NFL has over me.
It's 1:00. The Texans win the toss, and the Chargers will kick. The Nate Kaeding era is about to begin.
The games I can see are Ravens/Browns, Chargers/Texans, Rams/Cardinals, and Jets/Bengals. Larry Fitzgerald has wasted no time in making the first great catch of his career. He's got amazing body control and hands. I'm a huge Larry Fitzgerald fan.
Just a minute into the Chargers game, Domanick Davis is working hard at mercilessly killing my enthusiasm. He is shredding the Chargers D.
William Green has started for the Browns as Lee Suggs is out with some kind of a neck problem that could be serious. Anyway, Green drops a wide open catch, and I demand that someone piss test him right there. A guy at the Ravens table says, "He better catch that next time, or his wife will stab him."
The Texans kick an early field goal, and the Chargers trail by 3. I'm glad they did it early, I was getting uncomfortable watching the Chargers for more than 5 minutes without them trailing. This is more in my comfort zone.
Every time I look over to the Rams game, Marshall Faulk is shaking someone out of his jock. He looks healthy, and he looks young. It's like someone turned back the clock for him. He looks 25.
Drew Brees is on fire early, and the Bolts are actually moving the ball. I may be forced out of my comfort zone.
"Holding, #85 offense. 10 yards from the spot of the foul. Repeat 2nd down." That's more like it.
Drew Brees continues to complete passes. However, we've also racked up 2 holding calls and 1 false start on the first drive. San Diego... SUPER CHARGERS.
Rookie kicker Nate Kaeding's first FG attempt in the NFL will be a 48-yarder, and he will drill it down the pipe. The Nate Kaeding era is going to be awesome.
Y'know, Emmitt Smith is looking pretty impressive in the Rams/Cardinals game, too. He's also turned back the clock. He looks 42.
Y'know, I like tennis, but CBS can feel free to stop with the U.S. Open commercials. It's opening Sunday in the NFL. I don't think I'd be watching if it was Andy Roddick against John the Baptist, but Roger Federer vs. Lleyton Hewitt? There's no way. Danks terms it a matchup between a "Australian racist and a Swiss pussy."
So far the Baltimore/Cleveland game, Deion Sanders has been rendered ineffective by Jeff Garcia's unwillingness or inability to throw a pass longer than four yards.
The Texans fumble, and there's a huge pile in front of the San Diego sideline. The Chargers clearly recovered, but some liquored-up official is considering giving it to Houston. Marty Schottenheimer is frothing at the mouth. He's actually in the pile pulling players away. There's about fifteen players in the pile, and I'd say that Marty's in good enough shape to beat the hell out of at least six or seven of them.
The Chargers, in a goal line situation, run the option with Drew Brees. Who says Week 1 is too early for signs of desperation?
L.T. gets in two plays later. Chargers lead, 10-6. In the 2nd quarter, my foot is shaking, and I'm chewing my fingernails.
Through the window, I can see a group of girls practicing touch football across the road. The girl they have at quarterback can't throw the ball. She can't get her hand around it. Every pass is a 4-yard rainbow. She throws like Jeff Garcia. And she's probably done as many guys as Jeff Garcia.
CBS shows a commercial for the new sitcom based on the life of Tony Kornheiser, and I'm not sure, but I think Theo from The Cosby Show is playing a Wilbon-like character. Sure... Wilbon, Theo... it's a natural fit. Maybe Cockroach will be playing statboy.
Tyrone Wheatley's stats thus far: 6 carries, 8 yards.
By the way, that Jeff Garcia joke I made up there? Yeah... that was really really wrong and I'm sorry. Kinda.
Randy Cross, during a Cleveland drive, completely out of the blue: "Hey, how fabulous is Greg Gumbel?" What?
Larry Fitzgerald, or as I like to call him, "The Cardinals offense," makes another sick catch by pinning the ball against his hip. Larry is for real.
This Cleveland/Baltimore game is disgusting. I've been talking about Jeff Garcia, but so far, Kyle Boller is making him look like Dan Marino. The fact that Kyle Boller is a starting NFL quarterback should frighten all of us.
The Texans continue moving the ball at will. Domanick Davis, David Carr, and Andre Johnson are all incredibly sharp. Either the Texans are going to be the most unstoppable force in fantasy football this year, or the Chargers defense isn't very good. I think the former is more likely, though your opinion may differ.
DirecTV is running a "Hang with Peyton" sweepstakes where the winner gets to spend a day hanging out with Peyton Manning. Since when is the winner of a sweepstakes punished? What's next, is Ed McMahon going to come to my door and demand that I give him money? Hanging out with Peyton Manning... that sounds great, if you like listening to Jethro Tull albums and watching reruns of Hee-Haw.
Jerry Rice has now caught a pass in 274 straight games. I hate him.
Curtis Martin is looking awesome. Is this 1996? Marshall Faulk, Curtis Martin, and Emmitt Smith all look good.
Texans kicker Kris Brown, helping out with the kickoff coverage, takes a shot in the head. I wish Chris Tucker was standing over him, his gold chain hanging in Brown's face, screaming, "YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!" But maybe that's just me.
Roy Williams for the Lions makes an absurd one-handed catch in traffic. This catch doesn't even make sense. While we're on the subject, I like the Lions. They have a lot of young talent, but all of you on the Lions-to-the-playoffs bandwagon can slow your roll. They're talented, but they aren't ready. Maybe next year.
Both CBS and Fox appear to be making more efforts to show more stats. They are blatantly catering to the fantasy football audience. 10 years ago, could you have even imagined this? Is fantasy football the most dorkish thing to ever go completely mainstream?
Kellen Winslow Jr. (who needs a nickname) drops an easy pass that hit him in the chest. The sports bar absolutely explodes. Kellen Jr. is not the most popular man in the world.
Deion is back for a punt return. Even at 37, just by going back to catch a punt, Deion can get everyone's attention. The entire place stops to watch. He gets like 4 yards and slips. Browns fans go nuts and start their damn barking again. Congratulations, fellas, you stopped a 37-year-old man on a punt return. Go nuts.
At the end of a play in the Chargers/Texans game, Andre Johnson grabs Jerry Wilson's facemask and yanks it down to the ground. Oh, OK. This obviously should result in a 15-yard penalty against the Chargers. There's a league-wide conspiracy against the Chargers.
Matt Stover boots a field goal for the Ravens, and the offensive showcase that is the Ravens/Browns game is now tied at 3 in the third quarter. This game makes the Miami/Florida St. game from Friday night look pretty.
And Larry Fitzgerald makes a third circus catch. This 2004 draft class has a chance to be ridiculous.
Kevin Smith is in a commercial for "Jersey Girl," talking about how he wants money so he can stay with his hot wife. The commercial looks like it was filmed with a camcorder made in 1979, is not entertaining, and is not funny. If this is any indication of the quality of Jersey Girl, I'll be avoiding it like I would avoid "Varsity Blues 2." And while we're on the subject, the term "Bling Bling" is now officially dead. Thank you white people, and Kevin Smith in particular, for killing it.
The Chargers game comes back from a commercial, and Nate Kaeding is ready to kick a field goal. While he's lining it up, there's a Levitra ad overlaid on the TV screen. This is weird. You can see the happy erect guy's smiling face, you can see his newly-satisfied wife, and the word "Levitra" at the bottom of the screen, all half faded-out. I can't explain it. Appropriately, Nate Kaeding kicks it hard and straight, and the Chargers and Texans are tied at 20 heading into the 4th quarter.
I like the new Mia Hamm Gatorade commercial, with all the people thanking her. My favorite part is when Nomar Garciaparra says, "Thanks, beautiful... for having sex with me when everyone in the world outside of Chicago hates me and thinks I'm an overpaid sissy."
Curtis Martin continues to hammer away for the Jets. He's over 150. What the hell? Since when is Curtis Martin good again? I'm impressed.
Ed Reed blows an assignment for the Ravens, and the Browns lead 10-3. And then they get an interception from Kyle "May I Offer You the Football, Sir?" Boller. The barking continues, and I want to stab someone. Seriously, unless you're marrying the Prince of Zamunda, and he instructs you to bark like a dog right before you get married, then don't bark. Ever.
I don't think I've mentioned how good Drew Brees looks today. He's missed a few throws, but he's also made some great ones, and this is key: Whenever the Chargers have needed to pick up a 3rd down, Drew has found a way. And he hasn't turned the ball over, either.
And while we're on the subject, Chargers TE Antonio Gates is having a monster day. Right now, he's got 7 for 116, and if your league awards points for penalties, he'll be even better. He's racked up four of those. I guess you have to expect that from someone who was the star forward on Kent State's Elite Eight basketball team three years ago.
3rd and 14 for the Chargers, and Drew Brees finds Eric Parker in the endzone. I am a nervous wreck.
The Brownies lead by 10, and in this game, it might as well for a 400-point lead. I don't think Kyle Boller could lead a touchdown drive if there was no defense on the field. It's over. Impressive win for the new-look Browns in Week 1.
Jason Babin of the Texans... I had never heard of him, but he's really good. Gets get penetration and is a sure tackler.
And now the barking Browns fans have turned to what may be an even more annoying habit: stealing someone else's chant. They're singing, "Here we go, Brownies, Here we go! WOOF, WOOF!" Good, I'm glad they mixed in the barking, because while I hate them, I hadn't actually wished for any of them to get in car accidents on the way home. Now I have.
There's some kind of a stoppage in the Texans/Chargers game. The power is out in the stadium or something, I don't know. The game has come to a complete stop. My league-wide conspiracy theory is gaining momentum.
The Raiders have tied up the Steelers late in the game. The unstoppable Alvis Whitted got loose in the vaunted Steelers secondary for a TD, and then someone caught a 2-point conversion pass without a Steeler within 5 yards of him.
The Chargers game is back on, and the time is being kept on the field. Domanick Davis coughs it up again, and the Chargers have the ball, up 7 with 3:18 to play. I am shaking uncontrollably. My water is spilling. The Chargers have lost too many games just like this.
And Drew Brees hits Antonio Gates to convert another big 3rd down.
The Texans burn a couple of timeouts, and again, it's 3rd down. This time, it's LaDainian Tomlinson around the corner, and he would not be denied. It won't make any highlight reels, but it was one of the best six-yard runs you'll ever see. I wish I could describe it to you. I don't think any other back in the game was getting that corner, making those guys miss, and doing just what needed to be done. Game over, and the Chargers have opened the season with a victory.
Now if the Steelers can just polish off the Raiders, the Chargers will hold the outright division lead for about the next seven hours. HERE WE GO, STEELERS, HERE WE GO.
Jeff Reed hits a field goal as time expires, and the Steelers have taken care of business. It is good to be a Chargers fan today.
I don't know why, but Chargers victories put me in the mood to yell "WHORE" at Lauren Adams, who's singing the national anthem before the Eagles/Giants game.
With 13:08 left in the 1st quarter of the 49ers/Falcons game, Michael Vick is already getting pulverized. If the Falcons QB was anyone other than Michael Vick, they'd probably be in the hospital right now. If it was Vinny Testaverde... I don't even want to think about it.
But speaking of Vinny, he looks sharp. Say what you want about him, but he still throws one of the prettiest balls in football. This Vinny thing might just work out for a few weeks, until he remembers that he's 61 years old.
I don't know if I mentioned this guy last year, but there's a Steelers fan, who's also a regular here, sitting in front of us cheering wildly for a Terrell Owens touchdown. He is the worst "fantasy fan" I've ever seen. I can't stand people who put their fantasy rooting interests above, equal, or even near their interest in their favorite team, and this guy spends entire Sundays doing it. And who outside of Philadelphia cheers for Terrell Owens? The man has no redeeming qualities. Did these same people cheer against Roy Hobbs in The Natural? Were they big Pol Pot fans?
And the Falcons give up a blocked punt. So far in this game, there's been 2 sacks and a blocked punt. I could start at guard for the Falcons.
Hey, ref Johnny Grier's put on some weight in the off-season. He's not in Forrest Whitaker territory or anything, but getting up and down the field's going to be a little harder. He needs to give Ed Hochuli a call. His off-season workouts probably rival Jerry Rice's.
There's a big girly looking "V" in the middle of the Vikings new playing surface. It looks like a logo for a brand of women's rodeo jeans or something.
Daunte Culpepper's touchdown celebration, the stuttering false start call, looks like an Elaine Benes dance move.
Ron Dayne scores a touchdown. I have never before typed those five words in succession.
Alge Crumper, Michael Vick's favorite target, catches a short hitch in front of Tony Parrish who just allows him to take on step towards the sideline and then house it. Brutal play by Tony Parrish.
Danks, a native New Englander and Red Sox fan, is blatantly staring down this Yankees fan. I'm starting to understand that the general public feels about Yankees fans about how I feel about Raiders fans. I guess the only difference is the tin-foil Darth Vader costume. Danks, upon just seeing this guy, looks legitimately pissed off.
The Steelers fantasy fan that I mentioned above just had his girlfriend smell his fingers. He must be in a fantasy asshole-fingering league.
AJ wonders aloud if it's legal to stand next to a guy who's trying to catch a punt and scream in his ear. It's a good question. It's probably legal, and it's just the kind of thing I would do if I was in the NFL. I'd do research on the guy, find out his mother's name, see if he had any disasters in his childhood or dead family members that I could bring up, and I'd unleash it on him as he called for a fair catch. But maybe that's just me.
Kurt Warner gets called for a false start. I've never seen a QB get called for a false start before. That's new. The offensive linemen had to love it, because now he can't bitch at them.
AJ says Varsity Blues is the best sports movie of all-time. I'm not sure I can be friends with AJ anymore.
Steve Christie, in all of his time with the Chargers, didn't kick a ball longer than 40 yards. He tried, but that was as far as it went. He'd leave 45-yard field goals short. They'd bounce in the endzone. And he just hit a 53-yarder for the Giants. Thanks a lot, loser.
J.R. Reed is returning kicks for Philadelphia. He's much shorter and his skin is much lighter than it was when he was a center on the UNC Basketball team.
I told him I wasn't going to do this, but I can't let it go. AJ looks around the table and tells us that his friend told him that the NFL would be fining players for dropping interceptions. Not the coach, not the team... the league. Someone told him that Paul Tagliabue was levying fines against dropped interceptions, and AJ wanted to know if it was true. AJ is, for the most part, an intelligent guy, but when I'm not around him, he must hang out with some really bright people. Anyway, the truth is that, yes, it is true, and anyone who fumbles has to spend 15 days in a maximum-security prison.
Fox is advertising a new segment on their pregame show where Terry Bradshaw interviews players and "asks them the questions no one else will ask!" Danks and I guess that these questions include, "Hey, ya like fishin'?!" and, "Could you teach me how to read?"
Terence Newman gets called for interference on Randy Moss. He was blatantly guilty. As they both got up, they got tangled up, were jawing at each other, and pushing back and forth. On the next play, Randy Moss catches a touchdown pass right in front of him. Note to Terence: That's why he's Randy Moss, and that's why you're Terence Newman. At this point in your career, it's probably not a good idea to piss him off.
Danks and AJ have to leave, and none of these games are within 10 points. Well, the 49ers/Falcons game is, but I don't have a lot of interest in it. And judging from the mostly-empty stands in Candlestick, I'm not alone. I'm gonna bounce, too. But it's been real... welcome back to the NFL, and welcome back to the Smorgasbord. I hope you've enjoyed.
