Sunday, September 26, 2004
| Week 03 - 2004/2005 |
The past couple of weeks, there's been a piece of paper on every table with the point spreads listed for every game. It's probably not a good sign for the Steelers when they're 1-point dogs to a team on which half of the players have family members in shelters. And speaking of the tragedies in Florida, I'd just like to send some prayers out to the family of Crazy Fish Guy... even if they're nowhere near Miami. Oh, and good luck to the hurricane victims, too, I guess.
There are only three 4:00 games on the schedule this week. I'm realizing that when the toolbox who runs the TVs told me that he'd have the Chargers on in the back room, he wasn't really doing me a huge favor. But I appreciate the gesture anyway.
On the all-time list of annoying personalities on Gameday, Rush Limbaugh's #1 spot is being threatened by Mike Ditka. He might have been a great football coach, but he's never said anything on TV that I wouldn't consider general common football knowledge. It seems like a lock to me that he ends up on The Best Damn Sports Show within 2 years.
ESPN Gameday has Randy Moss mic'd up from last Monday night, and y'know what... Randy's maturing. He gets in people's faces, he challenges them, but it's done in a leadership kind of a way. He's not perfect, but the things he's doing are done because he wants to make his team better and because he wants to win.
ESPN has some clips of what Pro Player stadium looks like at about 12:30. It's doing some serious raining. I heard there's been a Hurricane in Florida or something. Anyway, I think they should move the game indoors, and play some Arena ball. The 50-yard field, the nets, the whole deal... the 50-yard indoor war. It may be the only way either of those teams scores.
Games I can see are Saints/Rams, Chiefs/Texans, Jags/Titans, and Browns/Giants. I don't know who to root for in the Giants game... Giants fans are animals, but Browns fans actually bark. I'm just going to root for a lot of season-ending injuries.
As I attempt to start a "TEAR HIS ACL!" chant, Kurt Warner looks sharp in this game. It's cool that he's playing well while everyone in the world thought he was washed up, but if it means that I'm going to have to hear him attributing his high completion percentage to Jesus, I'd just rather he sucked again.
The Saints have a 4th down and 4 at their own 40 in the first quarter. Jim Haslett, for some reason, is going for it. The table next to us appears to be a collection of people who don't know each other, but are sitting together anyway. One of them is a Rams fan in an old-school Ike Bruce jersey, and one of them is a Saints who screams everything he says, is irate. "WHY Y'ALL DOIN' THAT? PUNT THE BALL! SMART ASSES."
Man, this new show on CBS called Clubhouse looks awesome. Dean Cain, Christopher Lloyd, precocious teenagers and our national pastime? Sign me up! I only wish Matt LeBlanc could be involved.
The Giants D looks awesome, too. What the hell has gotten into the Giants? If showing up early to team meetings means they're going to play like this, they should all just shut the fuck up and set their clocks ahead a half hour.
Since the Dolphins game has been moved to tonight, I'm thinking it's doubtful that Crazy Fish Guy will make an appearance today. DAMN YOU, HURRICANE JEANNE. DAMN YOU.
I think it's time to come out in opposition of Jim Nantz being back in the broadcast booth. Like my man Danks said, he should never leave the golf course. He should have to live in the Butler Cabin at Augusta, year round. A running back for the Browns picks up a blitz, and goes low to block a guy. He gets his ankles, and the Giants guy nearly does a flip. Nantz says he did a great job blocking. Hey, I'm really glad that he blocked the guy, but if the Giants defender didn't fly through the air, chances are that 1) it would've been a more effective block, and 2) Nantz never would've noticed it. A small thing to most people, maybe, but it reminded me to renew my membership in the "I Hate Jim Nantz" club.
Interesting stat from CBS: No coach in the league has a better than 50% success rate in challenges. Butch Davis leads the league at 48%. I'm glad he's good at something.
The Rams have a fullback/special teamer named Joey Goodspeed. I believe he may be the least aptly-named player in NFL history. It would be like if the star receiver for the Vikings was named Randy Attractive.
Dane Looker takes a hard hit in the Rams game, and the screaming Saints fan goes, "DANE, YOU GOT LOOKED." I don't know what the hell that means.
Bad news for the Texans... they can't run against the Chiefs. I guess Eric Hicks made some new friends during the week.
I think it's helpful for the Giants that when playing Jeff Garcia and the Browns, it isn't really necessary to defend anything more than six yards down the field.
The CBS crew surprises Phil Simms with a shot of his jersey being sold at 50% inside the Meadowlands. Phil remarks that he'll have to have his wife buy a jersey. Nantz says about Mrs. Simms, "She's too easy. She's just too easy." I don't think that's a real nice thing to say about someone's wife.
With 6:00 to play in the half, Jeff Garcia is 2 of 5, for 5 yards. I wanted to wait and give you his terrible halftime stats, but the Browns racked up some meaningless yards in the final minutes. Inconsiderate bastards.
There's a highlight from the Eagles game, and whoever just scored that touchdown celebrated by doing a long snap. Why he did such a thing, I can't imagine.
The first NFL Network commercial with Rich Eisen hosting the Newlywed Game was kind of amusing, but this new one with Kurt Warner talking about Eli Manning's wardrobe... it's brutal. I'd rather see Pete Coors talk about frost-brewing as he masturbates in the snowy wilderness. Eli appears to have about half as much charisma as Peyton, and that's not at all a good thing.
The Giants have a 4th down coming up, and Phil Simms says that the defense has to come out with the mentality that "they're going to slam it into us." If I were a coach, I'd have to worry about a player that was out on the field, just waiting for the opponent to slam it into them.
I haven't been watching much of the Texans/Titans game... nothing much seems to be happening. Some cat named Wrighster scores a touchdown for the Jags, giving them 7 points. That might be enough to get the job done.
A Giants wide receiver has a pass interference call go his way, and as the ref is giving the call, he jogs past him and pats him on the ass.
The Jags have actually put Steve McNair out of the game. What, did someone take Jack Del Rio's axe to him?
Fox zooms in on Mitch Berger, Saints punter, sitting on the sidelines and... touching himself in a very sensitive male area. I mean, he's really going at it. I don't know if he was scratching, adjusting, or congratulating himself for a really good punt, but he was definitely putting maximum effort into it. He may have sprained a finger.
Good news... Crazy Fish Guy is here. Bad news, he's all the way on the other side of the bar, and he's not wearing a tight Dolphins t-shirt. It's like seeing Superman without his cape.
Chris Brown breaks off a 26-yard touchdown run, and gives the Titans a 12-7 lead late in the game. Jacksonville's going to need to find some offense in a hurry.
Soccer sucks. I guess some collection of soccer douchebags plays home games at Arrowhead stadium, and the Arrowhead people left their yellow goalie box painted on the field. It's yellow, the same color as the magical first down line, and it's messing with me. I now hate the Kansas City Wizards.
Bad news for the rest of the AFC. Jacksonville found a way to put the ball in the endzone and take the lead back from Tennessee. The Jags offense might be bad, but if they're good enough to be one of those teams that finds a way to get it done in the clutch, Jacksonville could be a legitimate Super Bowl contender.
The Titans attempt to recreate the Music City Miracle, but it doesn't really work too well when the guy throws a bounce pass back across the field. Jags win.
These are the next three sentences that come from the mouth of Screaming Saints fan, all loud enough so that everyone in the bar can hear him:
"TAKE THE FIELD GOAL, YA OL' PUNK ASS."
"OH, HE MISSED IT... YOU SON OF A BITCH."
"THAT'S WHY YA MAMA'S NAMED LARRY."
I don't think John Carney's mother is really named Larry, by the way.
Jeff Garcia, in the shotgun awaiting the snap, sees the ball fly about three feet back over his head. He chases it down, catches up to it near his own 1-yard line, and then stands there and watches as the Giants pounce on it. I guess he was getting really tired of being sacked.
Marc Bulger, displaying a huge set, breaks off a 19-yard touchdown sprint to give the Rams a 3-point lead. Bulger looked like Randall Cunningham on that play... except, you know, being small, white, and slow. The old-school Rams fan, who actually moved to the other side of the table because he was tired of Screaming Saints fan, looks back over and gives him a satisfied glance. Screaming Saints fan: "FUCK YOU."
The massacre of the Browns is over, and we join the Chargers/Broncos game in progress. San Diego gives up their customary easy touchdown on the opening drive of the game. I'm glad that's out of the way. We are the nicest team in the league. 7-0 Broncos.
And the Texans, behind a clutch Kris Brown field goal, pull off the upset. The Chiefs are now 0-3, ensuring that the Chargers will go another week and not be in the cellar. God bless Kris Brown.
The Broncos are going with 9 in the box against Tomlinson and the Chargers. I can't imagine why they'd do such a thing, but they're really disrespecting the arm of Drew Brees right now. That last time I saw that many dudes in one box, it was in a movie called "All Night Gangbang, Volume XVII." Starring Jake Plummer's mother.
The son of Mrs. Larry Carney buries a late field goal and sends the Saints/Rams game into overtime.
The Chargers, needing to respond during their first drive of the game, pull some shenanigans and LaDainian Tomlinson hits Drew Brees in stride for a 38-yard gain. We get a field goal. That was awesome and all, but I really hope that doesn't turn out to be the longest pass play of the day for the Chargers.
Mike Martz goes for a 4th and 1 in his own territory in overtime. I don't think it's that bad of a call, and he might be the only coach in the world who would've made it. It worked.
With 6:43 to go in the first quarter, the Packers and Colts have already combined for 28 points.
I may be the only one in the world who feels this way, but it seems like Dick Enberg and Dan Dierdorf are actively rooting for the Broncos.
I debated whether or not to include this in the Smorgasbord, but... I've got a commitment to the truth. It's about this time that my man Danks says, "So... what kicker do you think has the biggest cock?" AJ thinks it's Kris Brown, which is understandable, considering the clutch kick he just made. Danks thinks it may be Gary Anderson. He is African, I suppose. I'm going with Mike Vanderjagt, but I think he's had an implant. Sebastian Janikowski definitely has the smallest. Hence, the roofies.
I'm pretty sure that you're at the world's only website where NFL kicker cock-size is openly discussed. I am so proud right now.
The Chargers offensive coordinator looks like he's about 12 years old. He looks like the kid starring in Clubhouse on CBS. Speaking of which...
"I like Dean Cain." - Dan Dierdorf
San Diego, thinking they stopped Denver short on third down, calls a timeout right before the half. The only problem is, we didn't stop them. It's first down Denver. We just called timeout for them. Only the Chargers... Good Lord. This kind of thing just does not happen to any other team. I am thrilled to be a Chargers fan right now.
We're being bombarded with commercials for Friday Night Lights, which, to me, looks remarkably similar to any other football movie ever made. All the quotes praising the movie during commercials are from people at tiny TV stations in Des Moines, or Larry King. Not a good sign for a movie.
At halftime, Drew Brees is the Chargers leading receiver. Great news for all of you who started Drew Brees at wideout in your fantasy league.
Some guy named Putzier, which is French for putz, keeps catching balls for the Broncos. It seems like this always happens. It's never Rod Smith, or a stud running back who kills us in Denver, but we always make a hero out of some anonymous 3rd-string tight end dickhole.
Quentin Griffin puts the ball on the ground, and the Chargers recover. And then the Chargers score. 13-10, Broncos. Two weeks in a row, we have played terrible, and we're still in the game. I can't decide if that's the sign of a quality team, or a sign that I'm going to be absolutely tortured all year long. Somehow, the latter seems more feasible.
The Broncos get the ball back, and the Bolts D holds strong. We force them to punt. We have all the momentum.
Until, that is, Kassim Osgood, goes barreling into the punter and picks up a 15-yard roughing penalty. Broncos punter Micah Knorr looked like his knee was pretty messed up on that play, but it wasn't. If you're going to pick up a disastrous 15-yarder, Kassim, at least have the decency to hurt the guy. Meanwhile, Enberg and Dierdorf are acting like it's so wonderful that Knorr's knee isn't torn to shreds. See? They love the Broncos. They hate the Chargers.
The Chargers D holds again, and forces another 4th down. This time, Mike Shanahan goes for it, and it results in Ashley Lelie outleaping Quentin Jammer in the endzone for a touchdown. That is what we call a game-changer... and it hurt. Really... really... bad.
Danks says the Colts/Pack contest looks like a WAC game. The Colts currently have 8 yards rushing, and 320 passing. Someone paint the turf blue.
Rookie kicker Nate Kaeding buries a 51-yard field goal and is the new leader in the clubhouse for the kicker-with-the-biggest-dong discussion.
Dick Enberg takes us through a touching story about how John Lynch became a Bronco because his grandparents live in the area. Wonderful. I am really interested in John Lynch's grandparents right now. He just won't shut up about Lynch's grandparents... he's babbling. I provide a voiceover. "John Lynch's grandmother's vagina hasn't been naturally moist in over 30 years..."
I am really really sorry for that.
Anyway, we're going to lose. Elam adds a field goal for the Broncos, and with a 10-point deficit, we can't move the ball. Drew Brees has missed about 3 sure touchdown passes today, to open receivers. I'm not blaming the loss on him entirely, he's also been sacked 82 times. We could've won this game. Fuck.
With 2:40 to go in the Colts/Packers game, Peyton Manning does something awesome. With the entire play clock remaining, and the game clock running, he has the team lined up at the line of scrimmage. He goes through about five audibles, and looks like he's about to run a play. He doesn't. The clock ticks all the way down to the 2-minute warning. He fooled the Packers coaching staff into not calling a timeout, and costing themselves a full 40 seconds. Fox shows the Green Bay defensive coordinator on the sidelines, hanging his head, knowing he just got schooled by Peyton Manning. The look on his face says, "I... got... served."
And that does it for the late games. Seeya next week.
