Sunday, October 03, 2004
| Week 04 - 2004/2005 |
Crazy Fish Guy's in the house this week, and he is, for some reason, wearing a snug Colorado State t-shirt. And his sunglasses, indoors. Danks speculates that CSU covered the spread yesterday, and he's showing some appreciation. I think he's just the finest CSU grad in the history of the world.
And oh... oh my. I think, and I can't verify it right now, but I think... that this could be the very first public sighting of the happy recipient of the Crazy Fish Stick... the Crazy Fish Wife. She is... well... She's a handsome woman. And has one of the most beautiful blonde femme-mullets I've ever seen. She is a vision.
This douchebag Steelers fan, who sometimes actually manages to watch the Steelers instead of the players on his fantasy team, starts talking up Mr. and Mrs. Crazy Fish Guy. CFG asks the guy, as always, if he thinks the Steelers are going to cover. And the douchebag says, "Well, I hope so, I've got Roethlisberger on my fantasy team this week." I absolutely hate this guy. Danks wonders aloud how he reacts when he sees that Best Buy commercial where the guy cheers for someone on his fantasy team. We're now waiting for that commercial.
So, we're discussing the Jamal Lewis decision, and how he gets to serve his sentence in the off-season, proving once again that celebrity athletes are treated way better than any of us could ever hope to be. I'm thinking that the judge in the case has Jamal on his fantasy team.
At 1:02, as football games are starting, all the TVs are still on ESPN. We're watching the National Scrabble Championship. I'm rooting for the black guy, but no one else joins me in my attempt to start a "TRIPLE WORD SCORE!" chant.
Eventually, the games we're seeing are the Steelers/Bengals, Patriots/Bills, and Eagles/Bears. I hate being in the same room with Eagles fans. The old TV guy used to keep the NFC East people in the back room, away from the normal decent human beings. This new guy is killing me.
The Eagles narrowly miss a TD pass, and Eagles fans act like all their parents were just simultaneously murdered. It's the Bears. Relax.
Some loser Eagles fan wearing a T.O. jersey tucked into his dockers comes over and asks the five of us if we want to switch him places, and sit in a booth. Sure, chief, we'll be happy to all cram into a booth, and make it so that 2 of us are facing in the opposite direction of the TV.
So those sunglasses that Crazy Fish Guy was wearing... they're not really sunglasses. They're the kind of glasses that just change from dark to light depending on the sun. Awesome.
And I think the same guy is rooting against the Steelers, just to be a dick. Of course, I do this same thing like every week, depending on what fans are in the bar, but it just seems far less cool when it's someone other than me doing it.
Before today, I don't think I had really realized just how hideous the new Bengals uniforms are. I've always liked the helmets, and the whole tiger-stripe scheme... but these new threads look like something designed by a cracked-out zookeeper.
The Bills are called for a roughing-the-passer penalty. Danks appears upset, not because Tom Brady might've gotten hurt, but because someone other than Bridget Moynihan touched him in such a manner.
The Bills intercept Tom Brady, and the Eagles fan in the dockers calls out, "Interception for the Giants!" I wish the sports bar had a jail underneath it like the Eagles stadium.
Ben Roethlisberger is infinitely impressive. It seems like he always knows how much touch to put on his throws, makes good decisions, and protects the ball. I'm not at all happy about it. I don't want any rookie quarterbacks to succeed until Phil Rivers is also awesome.
Terrell Owens finds the endzone, and does six sit-ups. Eagles fans laugh like they're witnessing Richard Pryor live at the Sunset Strip. Eagles fans love sit-ups, apparently.
The Eagles fan in the dockers is calling out things that are happening. After the ref calls holding, he yells, "Holding!" If someone drops a pass, he yells, "Incomplete!" Danks starts mocking him by saying things like "Third and Seven" before the play. Eventually, we all get in on it. Mockingly, 3 seconds after the referee says the exact same thing, I call out, "Personal foul!" and this douche does it at the exact same time. I'm now calling out things like, "Sunday!" and "Sports Bar!"
Brian Moorman, Bills punter, drops the snap, and takes off. Brian Moorman can haul. He's actually calling out blocks. Danks recalls that it's like the first bad-luck play to actually go against the Patriots in about three years.
In a very special event on the NFL network this week, Jim Mora sits down for an emotional interview with Dick Vermeil. I hope Dick Vermeil says that he thinks the Cheifs can still make the playoffs, and Mora starts going, "Playoffs? PLAYOFFS?!" and then Vermeil starts crying.
Referee Johnny Grier is doing the Patriots/Bills game, and he's down. Johnny Grier is hurt. I think he tripped over his cock.
There are 3 games on CBS this afternoon, and 2 of them are available in HDTV. The Chargers game isn't one of them. Fucking haters. It's always the Chargers who get the shaft. That's alright, because I know that this week, the Chargers are not fucking around.
When is Duce Staley going to get tired of this Jerome Bettis coming in at the goal-line thing? He just scored another little 1-yard TD, accompanied by me screaming, "BREAK HIS FUCKING LEG." Duce needs to get more selfish about this. I'm hoping for a mid-week T.O.-style metldown. It would certainly be warranted. The Steelers are keeping Duce out of the endzone, and he's got great numbers so far. This lack of TD's thing could keep him out of the Pro Bowl, just because Bill Cowher doesn't want to hurt Jerome Bettis's feelings.
So that Best Buy commercial with the fantasy fan does come on. I'm watching the loser Steelers/fantasy fan for his reaction. There isn't one. The lowlife was too busy cheering for Corey Dillon.
I can't say for sure, but I think Mrs. Crazy Fish Guy is a Steelers fan. And y'know, she does look like a Pittsburgh kind of gal. But I bet Crazy Fish Guy makes her wear a Larry Csonka jersey during naughty time. I wouldn't rule out a Dolphins helmet, either.
Dockers Eagles guy has now said for the 182nd time, while McNabb is under center, "What's Chunky Soup going to do?" This ACL, hopefully.
Troy Polamalu makes an interception late in the Steelers game, and the beauty of the pick itself was exceeded only by the runback. That was a man who wouldn't be denied. He even messed up his old boy Carson Palmer at the goal line. Polamalu is turning into an excellent player.
And the ticker shows that Cleveland beat Washington. Ouch. The Joe Gibbs era is shaping up to be as awesome as the Steve Spurrier era.
Richard Seymour picks up a Drew Bledsoe fumble and starts rumbling towards the house. Rodney Harrison comes out of nowhere at full speed to accompany Seymour to the house. If anyone was thinking about taking a shot at tackling Seymour, they just thought better of it. It seals the win for the Pats, who have now won 18 in a row. It's really an incredible number. I think five other teams have done it, and none of them played in a time where there was such parity. Winning 18 straight in the NFL would be like winning 40 straight NBA games, or 1,872 straight baseball games.
The TV douchebag is about 10 minutes late in changing the channels for the late games. I think he was busy masturbating to the tought of that Jim Mora/Dick Vermeil interview. When he does finally get around to changing the channel, it's just in time for the Chargers first false start penalty. Terrific.
I think Steve McNair could've played today. He's Steve McNair. Unless he actually has a limb missing, he could go. But since it's the Chargers, they think they can walk in and pick up a win with Billy Volek at the helm. Punk-asses. They don't even know who they're fucking with.
Crazy Fish Guy left after the 1:00 games. The Dolphins play at 4. Crazy Fish guy distributes his love in this order. 1) Gambling. 2) Dolphins. 3) Crazy Fish Wife. Actually, I'm not sure... 2 and 3 might need to be flipped. They went home, but who knows what they're doing. Either watching the Dolphins, or breaking out the Larry Csonka jersey.
On the first drive, Drew Brees hits Reche Caldwell for 49 yards, and then LT houses it. 7-0 Bolts. I told you, we are not here to fuck around this week.
My man Chris points out to be that every week, there's a few curious looks in my direction when people see someone actually cheering for the Chargers. I am who I am. SCREW YOU FOR JUDGING ME.
So I'm wondering... who would win a fight between Ed Hochuli and Mike Carey? Hochuli's bigger, sure... and don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mess with him. But he might be of one of those Golds Gym pussies who gets huge and oils themselves up, but would cry like a girl scout if someone actually hit them. My money's on Mike Carey. And I'd buy it on PPV.
Rod Smart suffers a pretty gruesome injury, caused apparently, by just fielding a punt. His knee looked all kinds of messed up. I hope he's alright.
The Titans, with a long series of 4-yard passes, have tied it up at 7. But they can't run against us, and I know we can win this game. I know it. I haven't felt like this since... I dunno, Stan Humphries retired.
On opposite sides of the table, going head-to-head in a fantasy match-up, Danks has Justin McCareins and Chris has Santana Moss. Chad Pennington. Every pass is going to Chrebet, a tight end, Curtis Martin, or that Sowell guy.
You know what's a shame? The Dolphins might have the best defense in the league. It's at least in the Top 5. They certainly have McCareins and Moss locked up. I give it three more weeks before they outright quit and make Jay Fiedler play middle linebacker for a series after each turnover he commits.
Chris Brown can't run on us. He has absolutely no room. Our run defense, in the span of a week, became good.
It's 5:15, and I don't think I've used a sentence without profanity since before 4:00.
Drew Brees with a perfect strike to Antonio Gates. Touchdown Bolts. 14-7. We look so sharp. The defense is strong, the offensive line is moving people, and Drew Brees can't miss. Startin' to come together, Pepper. Startin' to come together.
Y'know, doing the Smorgasbord is way more difficult when the Chargers aren't losing, and I don't have anything to bitch about. To compensate, from here on out, every Smorgasbord item that appears in orange will be something that I completely made up.
The Titans complete a short pass (which is about the extend of their offensive arsenal today), and Quentin Jammer makes a great open-field tackle. Danks spontaneously starts singing, "I'm gonna jam you like an animal... up the ass, bitch."
It's 24-7 Bolts late in the 3rd, and the Titans are driving. I think this is the first time they've been in Charger territory since the 1st quarter.
I just banged Crazy Fish Guy's wife in the bathroom.
LaDainian Tomlinson has just become the all-time leading rusher in Chargers history, surpassing the great Paul Rowe.
I know who Paul Rowe is.
After converting on 4th down like 5 times, the Titans finally do kick a field goal. 24-10 Bolts. And then they do one of those cheap little fake real kick, but really onside kick, things. And they recover. It's usually the Chargers resorting to cheap shenanigans to try to win games. I like this.
I'm pretty sure Mrs. Crasy Fish Guy gave me syphilis.
And on the next drive, the Titans convert like 8 more 4th downs, and they score again. 24-17. Fuck.
I guess Brett Favre suffered a concussion or something, and then threw a touchdown pass. That's cool and call, but Drew Brees did the same thing two weeks ago. I'm not saying that Favre isn't the man, but they're going to make it out like he just earned a purple heart, and I'd like for it to be noted that Drew Brees has equally huge balls.
Crazy Fish Guy just ripped his shirt off and challenged me to a fight.
On the ensuing possession, a Titans safety tries to make a jump on a ball and pick it off, but Reche Caldwell one-hands in and houses it. That should do it. I told you, we were not fucking around this week.
And the Titans start acting like little bitches, pushing and shoving and jawing after every play. Waaaaaaaaaah, we're losing, waaaaaaaah... Get the fuck off the field. Losers.
Crazy Fish Guy just kicked my ass, repeatedly punching me in the face and screaming, "THIS IS FOR BOB GRIESE!"
And LT's back-up, Jesse Chatman gets into the act, breaking off a touchdown run of his own. 38-17 Chargers. THAT, my friends... was an ass-beating. I feel like breaking into song... we looked absolutely dominant today. I fucking love it when the Chargers win.
Crazy Fish Guy just apologized and invited me over to his house to play Twister and watch The Karate Kid IV, the one with the girl.
Alright, I'm out. Next week, the winning streak continues against the Jags. Seeya next week.
