Sunday, October 10, 2004
| Week 05 - 2004/2005 |
To start things off this week, I need to send out some love to my boy Kevin, who is currently at the hospital awaiting the delivery of the 2nd child. He's also probably really mad at his wife for going into labor right before the Steelers game. It wouldn't shock me to learn that he tried to reach in himself and yank the kid out before kickoff.
The Patriots are on in the back room, so I head back there with Danks. As I make the switch, I'm immediately rewarded, as I see Crazy Fish Guy hanging out in a corner by himself. I go over and apologize for pretending to screw his wife in the Smorgasbord last week.
Okay, I didn't, but I'm waiting for the day when Crazy Fish Guy stumbles upon the website, and comes up to me and says, "Hey, am I Crazy Fish Guy?" and then proceeds to kick my ass.
The games I'm watching are Cowboys/Giants, Raiders/Colts, Bucs/Saints, and Fish/Patriots.
Crazy Fish Guy, degenerate gambler that he is, tells Danks that he took the Dolphins... outright. Against the Patriots. I hope he was getting about 928-1 odds. Oh, and a Patriots fan is sitting with him, the same guy who was wearing a "G-Unit" t-shirt last week. Crazy Fish Guy and G-Unit. That should be a sitcom.
Tom Brady throws an interception to open the game, and Crazy Fish Guy celebrates a little. He almost immediately apologizes to G-Unit. He's such a sweet man... it's easy to see how a gal like the Crazy Fish Wife could fall for him.
Marcellus Wiley of the Cowboys yanks off Jeremy Shockey's helmet. Shockey keeps playing, like every player in the history of the NFL who's ever had their helmet ripped off would do. But, since he's Jeremy Shockey, pasty white media whore, the commentators make it seem like he's a Roman gladiator or something.
Danks spots Olindo Mare being carted off. He hasn't even kicked the ball yet. I hope he just decided in the pre-game that he didn't want to play football anymore, but he wanted to spend his life traveling around and snorting the yayo.
Some guy named "Gay" intercepts a pass for the Patriots. I start yelling things like, "YEAH. I LOVE GAY," and "KEEP IT GAY, BABY!" Unfortunately, Danks and I are the only ones in the room who know that a player named "Gay" even exists. I'm getting some looks. And some phone numbers.
The Dolphins defense is really really good. It's kind of unfortunate. But, being a Chargers fan, I'm intimately familiar with a team with an excellent defense, and no offense. Ryan Leaf and Craig Whelihan were doing the Fiedler/Feely bit long before anyone else. We're the originators in San Diego, baby.
Danks and I are sitting there enjoying our day, when a couple of Raiders fans who haven't showered since 1997 walk into the room, and shockingly, at about 1:45, can't find a place to sit. They grab a couple of chairs and just sit them down in the middle of the room, right next to our table. Fortunately, that doesn't last long, as they move on to ugly up some other table. Danks remarks that a benevolent and merciful God just wouldn't let that happen to us. "God said to himself that MJD and Danks might say some fucked-up shit, but I'm still not letting that happen to them."
The Cowboys attempt some chicanery, and Keyshawn Johnson throws a pass. It bounces off Giants corner Will Allen's chest. Dick Stockton calls it "a pretty good pass."
My brother calls me and is currently lobbying for Kevin to name his child, "Ben Roethlisberger."
This absolute dickweed of a Giants fan comes and sits with us. Apparently, Danks knows him. Almost immediately, I want to set him on fire. He claims to be a big Giants fan, but sat in the other room for the entire first quarter. Some Giant drops a TD pass, and he has no idea what the guy's name is. I know it was Tim Carter, and I hate watching the NFC East. I think this guy just called him Dave Meggett.
The Raiders defensive coordinator has a dirty redneck frosted mullet. He's like Randy Cross, except with a bushy goatee and without shampoo.
A white guy, Brock Forsey (really? a guy named Brock is white?), is getting carries for the Dolphins.
"FORSEY?! WHO THE HELL IS HE?" - Crazy Fish Guy.
Jay Fiedler throws a touchdown pass. Chris Chambers makes an amazing catch, as any receiver will have to do if he wants to catch a Jay Fiedler pass. Wes Welker, kick returner, is on to kick the extra point. I only know who Welker is because he spent the preseason and Week 1 returning kicks for the Chargers. He's now kicking for the Dolphins, and he drills the extra point. Of course, Welker's ensuing kickoff was fair caught at about the 30-yard-line by a Patriot wearing #90.
Deuce McAllister is fumbling the ball like someone dared him to.
Oh good, dickweed Giants fan is back. There's a sheet of paper laying on the table, and he points to it and asks, "What fantasy league is that?" Um, they're point spreads, asshole. Neither Danks or I have said a word to him, and he just keeps on talking.
Peyton Manning has three touchdown passes, none of them to Marvin Harrison or Brandon Stokely, both of whom are in my fantasy starting line-up. Just thought I'd mention it.
Tony Siragusa, who I used to hate, is the best sideline guy in sports that isn't named Craig Sager. I really like what The Goose does. He doesn't try to be too polished, he doesn't hustle to get meaningless interviews with annoyed coaches, he just does his thing. I like getting football insights from the sideline guy. He knows the players, he knows the coaches, and he knows what's going on during the game. He's funny, he's relaxed, and he's very good at his job.
Jeremy Shockey blatantly cheats to score a touchdown.
A family of four has a seat at the table behind us. Y'know, I love kids, I really do, but... I hope these youngsters are prepared for the barrage of filth that regularly spews from my mouth on Sundays. If I went to this family's house and was watching football, that would be one thing... but I'm in a bar. So I'm really sorry, mom and dad, but junior's about to become intimately acquainted with the word "fuck."
The Dolphins still have Wes Welker returning kicks, a decision I would question. If he gets hurt, who kicks? Is Garo Yepremian in the stands?
Richard Seymour blatantly roughs the passer. The ref throws a flag in his general direction, and Seymour tries to catch it, like he could avoid the penalty if he doesn't let the flag hit the ground. I like it... I think that should be a new rule.
Brian Griese, in for the injured Chris Simms, is 8 of 9 passing.
And Wes Welker buries a 28-yard field goal. That's unbelievable... and props to Dave Wannstedt for having the balls to let him kick it. If I was on ESPN's Primetime, Wes Welker would definitely be getting my game ball.
And Kurt Warner picks up his 2nd false start penalty of the year. That's gotta be a league record for QBs.
CBS has a shot of Rich Gannon, watching the game from a skybox with a neck brace on. Half the people in the room see him and start laughing. I'm a little disturbed by this. Don't get me wrong, no one on earth hates the Raiders more than I do, but I'm not going laugh at a guy because his neck is all messed-up. I mean, given the chance, I might kick him down a flight of stairs or something, because I'd feel I have a moral obligation to do things like that to Raiders, but I'm not going to laugh at him.
And here's another reason not to laugh: Kerry Collins has thrown 5 interceptions in his last 37 passes. Gannon, even with the neck brace, might be more effective.
And ladies and gentlemen, 7 pounds and 9 ounces of brand new Steelers fan has just been brought into the world. Welcome, Ryan. I guess the little guy really wanted to see the fourth quarter, so someone get the nurse to clean all that nasty baby goo off of him, and find him a TV.
I gotta give it up to Tom Coughlin and Kurt Warner. The Giants, I'm pretty sure, are for real. This was a big road win for them today, and Kurt looks as sharp as ever. And he's only going to get better as he gets more comfortable with the Giants receivers. And by the way, Eli Manning is a sock-chewin' bitch.
Dickweed Giants fan: "I think my fantasy team will be in 1st place by the end of the day."
Danks: "Who do you start at quarterback?"
DGF: "Ummmm... (20 second pause) Byron Leftwich, I think?"
This is the first guy I've ever met who not only sucks at being a football fan, but sucks at being a fantasy football fan. He's a rare double-threat.
It's 4:00. Powder blue makes my dick hard.
The TV that the Chargers are supposed to be on is also the same TV carrying the early Texans/Vikings game. It's going to overtime, and I am not amused.
Some Texans guy gets hurt, dragging out the entire process. Come on, pussy, get up. Be hurt at commercial or something, you're wasting time.
I can see the Chargers on a small television in a different room, about 50 feet away. We open the game with five consecutive passes. I'm cheering and screaming while nothing is happening on any of the three TVs in this room. People must think I'm rooting for a sideline shot of Dom Capers.
Touchdown Bolts on the opening drive. JACKSONVILLE DON'T KNOW.
The powder blues are more attractive than most women I've slept with.
The defense holds, the Bolts get the ball back, and march up the field AGAIN. It looks EASY. The Jacksonville defense has got nothing for Drew Brees, and I'm not even being sarcastic. They don't know. They don't know that Drew Brees is awesome.
Quentin Jammer makes a play, and Danks starts singing in a high falsetto, "Jam that bitch..." I smell a record deal.
I'm not paying a whole lot of attention to it, but when I glance over to the San Fran/Arizona game, it just looks ugly. Says Danks, "Larry Fitzgerald is the only person in this game who's life means anything."
And there's another Chargers fan in the house. This guy is sitting us, and he's got a little Chargers jersey bottle hugger thing. This is amazing, I've never seen another Chargers fan in here. There's one guy who wears a Tomlinson jersey all the time, and who probably claims to be a Bolts fan, but I've never seen him actually watching a Chargers game. This guy behinds me is awesome. I hope he's my biological father.
It's now 21-0 Chargers. It's 21-0 Chargers, against the league's best defense.
Y'know, I've seen several punters talking some shit today. Matt Turk did it in the Dolphins game, and the 49ers punter just did it. I think punters leaguewide were energized by Brian Moorman's effort last week.
Someone in the bar, who has requested anonymity, is buying us beer. I have to assume that it's the Chargers fan, in an effort to make up for all the time he didn't get to spend with me in my childhood. I forgive you, dad.
I think the 49ers might be able to win the Mountain West Conference.
I just yelled "I LOVE YOU, WADE PHILLIPS." And I am not ashamed.
The Chargers offensive and defensive lines, who were supposed to be about the two worst units in football, are playing very, very well. It's amazing, really. I never stopped believing in Marty Schottenheimer.
Chargers DT Jamal Williams is called for a personal foul. They show a replay, and towards the end of the play, the trips and falls over a Jags offensive lineman. I whine, "Oh, come on, he just tripped and fell on him." As soon as these words leave my mouth, Jamal Williams is seen throwing a series of punches at the guy as he laid on the ground. He started working the body... he looked like Tito Trinidad. Is it wrong that I really enjoyed that?
The Chargers are just rolling. The Jags will go on to add some late meaningless points against the prevent defense, but make no mistake about it, this was an ass-beating. The Chargers are just playing really, really well right now. It's a beautiful thing to me.
And that'll about do it for the Smorgasbord. I'm deciding to spend the rest of the afternoon celebrating the Chargers win, and the birth of young Ryan. I'll get back atcha next week.
