Sunday, October 24, 2004
| Week 07 - 2004/2005 |
"Is this guy just another dumb fucking white man, or what?" That's Robert Deniro from Casino and today, it's me when I learn that the TV guy has the Chargers game on at the tiny little TV at the bar. He knows I'm coming, he knows I'll bitch, and he knows he's going to end up putting my game on anyway... I don't know why he insists on going through this ritual every week. I ask him to move the game, and he says he put it on at the bar because of the team's combined records. Meanwhile, the Rams/Dolphins game is on the big screen in the front room. Jagoff.
I'm watching Fox's pregame, something I haven't done all year, and something I hoped to never have to do again. Fox's pregame has about as much actual NFL analysis as does FoodNation with Bobby Flay.
On ESPN's pre-game show, they're asking which is bigger: the Patriots streak, or the Red Sox playing the World Series. Tough question. Ask your average New Englander if they'd rather win Game 2 against the Cardinals or disband the entire Patriots franchise, and they'll offer to personally help tear down Gillette stadium.
Oh, good... coming up next, Terry Bradshaw interviews Warren Sapp. No one in that room will be annoying or anything.
Bradshaw, asking the hard-hitting questions, wants to know if Sapp wears boxers or briefs. Sapp answers, "neither." I begin to twitch involuntarily. Sapp then starts singing "Free-Ballin'" to the tune of Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'," which was actually really funny.
Games I can see are Iggles/Browns, Titans/Vikings, Bolts/Cardinals, and Jags/Colts.
Jay Glazer is working the sidelines of the Iggles/Browns game, and he reports that the officials have rejected some of the footballs that were to be used for the game. The Browns sent out these scuffed up footballs because, according to Glazer, "Jeff Garcia prefers to play with older, used balls." I bet T.O. made him say that.
Doesn't Carolina usually wear black? I haven't seen them much this year. Today, they're wearing some powder blue rip-offs. They look like pussies. The Chargers, when they wear the powder blues, however, look both stylish and masculine.
On the first play from scrimmage for the Eagles, Donovan McNabb goes deep to Todd Pinkston. Sam Rosen calls him Terrell Owens. On the second play, McNabb throws for a TD to Chad Lewis. Sam Rosen calls him Mike Bartrum. Good start for the Eagles. Bad start for Sam Rosen. Pat Summerall never screwed up that bad, and he apparently was drunk for 90% of his career. If Rosen starts referring to Donovan McNabb as Ty Detmer, he might wanna consider retiring.
On the Chargers first play from scrimmage, LaDainian Tomlinson coughs up a fumble. It's just feels weird... it's not something you see often. I feel like I just caught the Pope masturbating. He hasn't lost a fumble since 2001.
The Browns respond by running right through the Eagles defense for a touchdown. Lee Suggs and William Green both just absolutely gashed them. This appears to be the Eagles achilles heel.
So Carolina, already up 3-0, is knocking on the door. On the same play, the Chargers pick up pass interference and roughing the passer penalties. At least we did manage to get a fake interception out of it.
Terrell Owens, touchdown. He runs over to the corner of a stadium and spikes the ball off of a sign that says, "T.O. has B.O." I hope Owens wasn't offended by the insinuation that he has body odor, but rather the sheer lameness of the sign. The people who made that lame-ass sign just got more attention than they ever deserved. Really, Cleveland, the best you can come up with is saying that Owens smells bad? OHHHH... T.O. GOT SERVED.
The Chargers somehow escape giving up only a field goal, and it's 6-0. It should be 14-0, or at least 10-0.
Through four offensive plays, the Chargers have one fumble, one holding call, and one false start. I'm noticing that we're getting off to slow starts on the road.
Browns WR Andre King falls down on the way from the huddle to the line of scrimmage. For seemingly no reason, he just fell. I thought he blacked out or something. I'd later learn that he sprained his ankle. Yes, he sprained his ankle on the way from the huddle to the line of scrimmage. Does he have the Samuel L. Jackson from Unbreakable disease?
So, my potential new girlfriend is here, but she's not my waitress. She keeps looking over and smiling, but she hasn't actually talked to me. I like it when they play hard-to-get. I'll have her naked by halftime.
The Carolina/SD game has turned into the Brad Hoover show. He's running, he's catching, he's making me wish he would sprain his ankle on the way from the huddle to the line of scrimmage. I hate him.
Terrell Owens hauls in another touchdown catch, and goes to the back of the endzone and tears down a sign that had a picture of a rat, and said, "Takes One to know one," with the T. and the O. standing out. Another outstanding sign, Cleveland. Apparently, no one in Cleveland ever got out of the fifth grade. In the 2nd half, are they going to break out the sign that says, "T.O. is a big poopyhead"?
Ricky Manning, CB for the Panthers, commits about a 40-yard pass interference penalty. I yell, "FUCK YOU AND YOUR BROTHER PEYTON." At least a few people always think I'm serious when I do this. The Chargers have been completely outplayed, and actually have a chance to be leading at halftime.
At halftime of the Eagles/Browns game, Jimmy Johnson and Howie Long are talking about nothing but how great Terrell Owens is playing, and how the Eagles are dominating. They're up by 4, and the Browns can run on them at will. It's going to be a game.
Hey, the Dolphins are winning. Did the Rams start Jim Everett?
Danks: "Hey, Kaeding hasn't missed one yet this year, has he?"
Me: "No, actually, he hasn't."
DOINK. Nate Kaeding banks one off the goal post, no good. Thanks a lot, Danks, you dirty prick.
Halftime has come and gone, and I've had no waitresses naked. Just didn't want to leave you hanging.
This guy comes and sits at the table next to us, looking like one of the old bosses in Casino. That's two Casino references in one Smorgasbord. Extra value for you, the reader. Anyway, if I wanna have the TV guy clipped, this is definitely the man I need to talk to. He has killed before, clearly.
LaDainian finally gets into the groove and breaks off an 8-yard touchdown run. Chargers lead, never to look back.
Quentin Jammer lays a big hit on someone, and Danks starts singing his own special tune. It's like a slow, high-pitched love song... "You got Jammed, bitch..."
Brandon Short, special teamer for the Eagles, takes a knee to the head and immediately goes limp. He's bleeding from the mouth. Not good. He's moving, but the movements aren't natural. He's kinda twitching, almost.
Okay... he's moving, he's up, he's walking. Phew. He's also talking shit to the Browns bench as he gets carted off. Nice.
Things are looking good for the Fish. They're up 31-14. For all the St. Louis reporters who have ever been annoyed with Mike Martz's smart-ass know-it-all attitude at press conferences, today is the day for revenge. Good luck finding a justification for getting worked by the Dolphins, pal.
And Jesse Chatman breaks off a long run down to the Carolina 10. Tomlinson has been bottled up all day, Chatman comes in, and has his way. Either the Panthers D doesn't key on the run so much when Chatman is in, or LaDainian Tomlinson is only the 2nd-best running back in the NFL... behind Jesse Chatman.
It's a Jesse Chatman touchdown, AND THAT'S HOW WE DO SHIT IN SAN DIEGO. 17-6, Chargers.
Josh Scobee, roughly the size of my right leg, is about to attempt a 53-yarder to win for the Jags. His career long is 48 yards. It's up, it's good, and Jacksonville's going to win in Indy. Impressive W for the Jags, and all three Mannings, Peyton, Eli, and Ricky, are losing today. And while we're at it, Archie loses every day when he wakes up realizes that his youngest son is a sock-chewin' bitch.
The Browns, down 7 and driving, get an absolute gift of a roughing the passer call on a 4th down that wouldn't have been successful. I think the refs might be rooting for Garcia to beat Owens. I'm serious. And I don't blame them... I am too.
Garcia runs it in for a Cleveland score, and the game is tied. Man, I really want the Browns to win this thing. And then I want Jeff Garcia to go find Terrell Owens, tackle him, hold him down, and start humping his facemask.
Danks chuckles every time the Iggles return a kick, because their kick returner is named J.R. Reed. J.R. Reid is a former center for the Charlotte Hornets and UNC Tarheels, and had a marvelous high-top fade, second only in beauty to the guy from Kid 'n Play. I don't remember if it was Kid or Play, though. Sorry.
The Eagles go long to T.O. in overtime, and it's incomplete. I yell, "SORRY, BITCH." This old pro bowler-looking guy with a rapist mustache laughs and turns around to me and says, "I like you!"
Almost immediately after that, Randall Gay of the Patriots recovers a fumble, and I yell, "IT'S GAY TIME!" In retrospect, this is probably not the best way to respond when a creepy old guy just told me he likes me. Something tells me I'm about to get his phone number.
David Akers is cash... and unfortunately, the Eagles win. Jeff Garcia will have to hump T.O.'s facemask some other day.
For some reason, we decide to build a team of peanuts. This is done by, first, getting some complimentary peanuts. Second, opening them until we find the perfectly-sized nut to play each position. Huge nuts are linemen, long, thin nuts are wideouts, etc. We build an entire offense and defense, complete with punter and kicker. We haven't even been drinking. We are losers.
Larry Fitzerald is on fire early for the Cardinals, and they're up 7-3 over the Seahawks. Josh McCown actually has pretty amazing numbers thus far.
David Patten catches a nice TD pass from Tom Brady, and the Patriots go up 13-7. I really want Tom Brady to get arrested for something absolutely filthy. I don't have anything against him, but he's just too clean-cut, too universally-liked... I want to wake up tomorrow and see a picture of him in the paper beating up a stripper or something.
The Patriots have won their last 27 games when leading at the half. They lead the Jets at the half.
Wow... Ann Heche is staring in a CBS made-for-TV movie, and it even looks like a particularly bad CBS made-for-TV movie. I guess all that 'I'm a lesbian, no I'm not a lesbian' stuff wasn't as good for her career as she thought it would be. It's too bad, I think she's a pretty good actress.
CBS shows Jack Del Rio's postgame speech, and he's babbling something about a Clint Eastwood movie and "shootin' em up." Whatever. I think Jack Del Rio might be on speed. At the very least, he drinks like 7 Red Bulls before each game. Just try to keep your punters away from axes, fella.
Danks asks if there are any famous Steelers fans. I mention that yes, Liberace was a huge Steelers fan. Chris suggests that Liberace was probably more likely to be a Chargers fan, and I gotta admit, he's right. I can see Liberace wearing a sequined lightning bolt jacket... AND LOOKING DAMN GOOD DOING IT.
Sorry.
The Seahawks are down 10 at the half. Wasn't it just like a week ago that everyone thought they were the best team in the NFL? Call me crazy, but losing to the Cardinals just might do something to negatively affect their reputation as a great football team.
It looks like it's raining pretty well at the Patriots game. The Red Sox might not play tonight. How is it that in such a violent sport, with so much more athletic and physical activity, they'll play in a damn monsoon, but a light drizzle starts in a baseball game, and they call it off? I think they should just leave the tarp on the field and play on it.
If Pam Oliver interviewed me, I'd definitely have to pull a Joe Namath on her. Only it would be much dirtier.
Emmitt Smith gets loose in the Seahawks secondary and absolutely jukes the jockstrap off of some d-back. I'm guessing that that guy won't particularly enjoy the film session where he sees a 54-year-old running back breaking his ankles in the open field.
This guy for the Packers named Jue... I bet he's not even Jewish. Poser.
3rd and 2, late in the game for the Patriots... if they pick this up, they can run out the clock and take home a W. Corey Dillon gets it, and the streak is now at 21. The game next week at Pittsburgh, though... that one will be tough.
I don't think I'm going to be able to stay for the duration of the Cardinals/Seahawks game. There's too much time left, and my ass hurts. Back atcha next week for Chargers/Raiders.
