Sunday, October 31, 2004
| Week 08 - 2004/2005 |
Accompanied by a sappy piano in the background, Terrell Owens is crying on CBS. Listen, I'm really sorry that his grandmother died, and it's cool that he's working to get funding for Alzheimer's research, but... it's 12:30 on a Sunday. It's time for football. It is not time for a very special episode of Dr. Phil. The only people I want to see crying today are Raiders fans at about 7:00 tonight when they realize that the only difference between Warren Sapp and the degenerate fan in the Darth Vader costume is that Sapp actually gets paid to embarrass himself on Sundays.
Crazy Fish Guy is not only in the house this week, he is sitting right next to us. I am currently about six feet away from the legend. He's feeling chatty, too. Right now, Danks is bearing the brunt of his verbal barrage. I overhear, "I gotta pray for a miracle to beat those stupid Jets." I really wanna hear Crazy Fish Guy say "fuck." I've never heard him say anything worse than "damn."
I'm trying to have various conversations with AJ and Danks, but Crazy Fish Guy isn't having it. He's trampling out conversations. Every time I try to say something, Crazy Fish Guy blurts out something about taking the over on some game.
The Mayne Event on ESPN is funny. Frank Caliendo on Fox is sometimes funny. These animated Thurston Long bits on CBS's pregame... are brutal. If you enjoy teary-eyed egomaniacs and lame-ass comedy, CBS's pregame is the place for you.
My man Chris joins us and has a seat at the end of the table, closest to Crazy Fish Guy. He looks at the legend and says, "How are you?" Crazy Fish Guy turns around with a massive glob of mayonnaise on his face. Later, I'm going to try and recreate this scene in a painting and sell it to the Louvre.
Crazy Fish Guy wisely has the over in the Chiefs/Colts game, and he's cheering for points. Anyone scores, he cheers. And while we're on the subject, what would the over have to be in a Chiefs/Colts game before you hesitated? Triple digits?
Perhaps you've heard about this little historical anomaly in the Redskins/Packers game. It's gotten a little bit of media attention. I don't wanna go over the state, but if the Packers win today, John Kerry wins, and evil is defeated. Needless to say... huge Pack fan today.
Johnnie Morton scores for the Chiefs and breaks out an absolutely stellar worm. This might be the greatest touchdown celebration in NFL history. It's up there with Billy "White Shoes" Johnson. Johnnie's technique is flawless. I wish he was a better player so we'd see it more often.
It's 10-0 Packers... and Kerry has taken Wisconsin.
I put Chris in charge of finding out how Crazy Fish Guy plans to vote. He's apparently not willing to tell. Chris broaches the subject, and Crazy Fish Guy says, "I don't know who's gonna win, but I bet there's gonna be lawsuits out the yin-yang." I'm laughing as I type that. I still wanna hear him say fuck, but yin-yang... that's pretty good, too.
The Giants are laying wood to the Vikings... it's 17-0 G-Men.
Our waitress today seems to not mind if her breast is pressed firmly against me. Never has a server been so careless about pressing a titty against me if she's reaching for a glass or an ashtray. This is awesome.
Touchdown Priest Holmes... and Crazy Fish Guy is just smiling ear-to-ear. He seems to just love gambling. People love a lot of things in life, be it their children, their wives, their hobbies. Crazy Fish Guy's true love... is the over.
And it's now 17-0 Packers... and John Kerry has taken Michigan, too.
Keyshawn scores a touchdown for the Cowboys, and takes the ball and gives it to a fan with a disability. That's awesome. Keyshawn deserves some love for that. And it was a very good play, too.
And the Skins pick up a touchdown to make it 17-7. Bush has taken West Virginia and Hawaii.
"I wonder how many 50-year-old white women in Wisconsin right now would like to have just one night with Daunte Culpepper. That'd be a great porno." - Danks
I haven't mentioned it yet, but it's going to be pretty intense in here at around 4:00. Danks is a big Patriots fan, and just about everyone else in the place but me is a big Steelers fan. It's also Raiders/Chargers day, which means MJD might have to stab someone. It's about halftime, and the tension is already building.
Crazy Fish Guy makes direct eye contact with me and says, "Two more touchdowns!" I am in awe of Crazy Fish Guy's love for the over. I'll probably never love a woman like he loves the over.
We're having power issues in the bar. The power company has apparently told the place not to use any power that isn't necessary. The air conditioning has been shut off. It's hot. It's damn hot. Real hot. Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking.
Crazy Fish Guy gets one of his touchdowns. I have no idea what the score of the Colts/Chiefs game is, nor do I care. It's like an NBA game. This game has just completely devalued the touchdown for the rest of the NFL. I'll check back with 5:00 left and the score is 77-70.
Packers add a field goal... and it's 20-7. John Kerry has taken Iowa.
Dante Hall appears to be getting some of his return mojo back. He doesn't score, but he breaks off a nice one. Haven't heard much from Dante this year.
And someone else scores, and Crazy Fish Guy gets his over. Congratulations, my man. I think he's touching himself.
Rod Gardner scores a touchdown for the Redskins... and Bush takes Minnesota. It looks as if this one could come down to Florida.
Keyshawn with another TD for the Cowboys, and he again gives the ball to a girl who uses a wheelchair. I'm starting to love Keyshawn, though I'm kinda concerned about people in Dallas starting to fake disabilities just so they can get Keyshawn's touchdown balls.
Interception Redskins. Says Chris, "30,000 black votes in Florida just got lost."
And... the power has gone completely out. The bar is dark, with the exception of candlelight. I almost instinctively yell, "ORGY!"
AJ points out that there are about three girls in the place. Man, are they gonna be sore tomorrow.
I then suggest that everyone go around the room and introduce ourselves. Danks goes, "Hi, I'm Danks, I'm a Pisces, and I love cock." Power outages do strange things to people. But I'm not judging.
It's been like five minutes... this is getting just flat-out weird. Chris just peed by candlelight.
I call my brother to get play-by-play of the end of the Redskins/Packers game. Ahman scores a touchdown, Kerry is able to keep Bush from stealing Florida again, and things are as they should be.
Alright... we once again have juice. Just in time for the Raiders/Chargers game. Chris has talked Crazy Fish Guy into calling up his bookie and putting some lumber down on the Chargers, so we have the Crazy Fish Guy karma on our side today. I think the Steelers and Patriots are playing, too, I dunno. We join the game in progress, just as the bitch-ass Raiders are ready to punt.
And that was easy. Drew Brees leads the Chargers downfield for a score. Touchdown for back-up TE Justin Peelle. Good guys leading 7-0, just like that.
Alright... this is the most bizarre sideline report since Eric Dickerson left Monday Night football. Scott Kaplan is reporting with a Spiderman mask on. He's showing us a massive swarm of bees that residing in the Raiders practice kicking net. A group of stadium workers drapes a tarp over the entire net. Don't do that... let's get a little home-field advantage out of this. Let them deal with the Bees. I would love to see Warren Sapp just get swarmed.
The Chargers have pumpkins painted on their field. No other team in the NFL has pumpkins on their field. We rule.
Early in the Steelers/Patriots game, Ben Roethlisberger finds Plaxico Burress deep for a Steelers TD. The place erupts. Danks is less than thrilled. 7-0 Steelers.
About a minute later, the Steelers jump on a Patriots fumble. Even Crazy Fish Guy is excited.
LaDainian Tomlinson goes over the top... TD Bolts. 14-0. The Raiders suck.
And it's Plaxico Burress in the endzone again. 14-3 Steelers. On the next play from scrimmage, Tom Brady is picked off, it's taken to the house, and it's 21-3 Steelers. Danks is calling for Rohan Davey. Watching a replay of Brady's INT, Danks says, "Nice pass, you fucking faggot."
Kerry Collins leads a touchdown drive. Yeah, I was shocked, too. It's 14-7.
But the Chargers respond. Keenan McCardell, who is awesome, was wide open in the endzone. Drew Brees is currently 12 of 14 passing, while on the TV next to him, Tom Brady is apparently going as 2003 Drew Brees for Halloween.
Danks continues to call various Patriots "fucking faggots." We here at the Smorgasbord apologize, but we've got a commitment to the truth. We're just keeping it real.
Tim Dwight pulls down a great catch in the endzone for another Chargers TD through the air. I just feel like giving Drew Brees a sponge bath right now. It's 28-7... how does Drew Brees' cock taste, Oakland?
CBS shows a shot of Charles Woodson walking off the field with head hanging. I yell, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PUSSY?!" Oh... it's halftime, which I guess means he's walking back to the locker room. Sorry.
At halftime, I see a highlight of Terrell Owens doing Ray Lewis's trademark spastic dance moves after scoring a touchdown. That's awesome. I'm not really a TO fan, but I am a Ray Lewis hater... and he just got SERVED. And it was a good impression, too... TO had to be studying film of that dance.
The Steelers keep rolling, and Tom Brady looks terrible. He appears to be confused and flustered by what the Steelers are doing to him. Danks is not taking it well. It's a little sad to see what's happening to him. He just yelled, "Tom Brady fucking licks taint," and then began singing, "Taaaaaint-Licker..."
Straight out of the half, it's another easy touchdown drive for the Chargers, and it's 35-7. It's something I'll never find out about first-hand, but having a long drive home from a football game after just getting torched by Drew Brees, while your face is covered in silver paint and your shoulder pad spikes are tearing up the upholstery of your car, just can't be a lot of fun.
The Steelers add a touchdown, and it's evident that another New England streak will be ending today. The good news is that I'm not sure many New Englanders will notice. When they do, though, they'll probably make up some "Curse of Bill Belichick's Dark Gray Hoodie" or something.
The Chargers score again... and the scoreboard reads Oakland 7, San Diego, forty-deuce. Warren Sapp on the sidelines is bitching out Norv Turner. Waaaaaaaaaaah... I guess he wants Norv to install the plays that don't so clearly expose your starting nose tackle and prize free agent acquisition to be a washed-up sack of shit that hasn't even come close to making one play all game.
Danks just broke off the top part of his zippo lighter. Looking at the bright side of things, though, he does observe that now the Patriots won't have to say that the last coach to beat them was Steve Spurrier. Hooray for the glass being half-full.
Jesse Chatman enters the game for LaDainian, and Jesse Chatman continues to do what Jesse Chatman does. This is three or four weeks in a row now that he has come in and just had his way with a defense.
I hadn't noticed to this point, but the Falcons are doing the Broncos dirty, in Denver.
"I would skullfuck Jim Nants right now." - Danks
With 2:00 to play, Sammy Davis intercepts Kerry Collins in the endzone... and the Raiders can suck me. I'd have liked to have seen some Phil Rivers at the end of the game, but for whatever the reason, Marty isn't having it. Oh well.
#23 for the Raiders makes a tackle at the line of scrimmage and gets up and starts pointing to himself like he's awesome. Scoreboard, bitch. If you were that good, you wouldn't be trying to find a way to pull Drew Brees's cock out of your mouth right now. Shut the fuck up and get back to your huddle.
It's over... 42-14 final. That felt good. And the Steelers game isn't officially over, but it's over.
Danks has taken a piece of paper from my notebook and written a suicide note. Here it is, verbatim:
"To all loved ones: Suck my fucking dick, this game sucks cunt. I always loved MJD and his huge cock. But who gives a fuck now. Go Red Sox, because you know how to win. Fuck the Pats, I hope they lose the rest of their games. Sucky my fucking greasy wop cock. - Danks."
At least he's taking the loss well.
It's hard to understate the value of this win for Pittsburgh. The Steelers had a good record, but had beaten nobodies. And this win comes in a dominating fashion against a team who had won more consecutive games than anyone in history. Remember in Pulp Fiction when the Wolf says, "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet"? Well... now they can. The Steelers are back to playing physical football, and they are very good at it. Get yourselves some lip balm, Steelers fans, and enjoy this one.
What a day. The Packers win for John Kerry, the Bolts dominate the weak little Raiders, the Steelers roll the Patriots, and Danks is going to kill himself... sweet. Is it a coincidence that we were so close to Crazy Fish Guy all day? I'm thinking no... I think good things happen when Crazy Fish Guy is close to me. I'm going to try to get him to adopt me.
